I cant exactly call her my gf because we have to still meet up but we have talked a lot on the phone and showed eachother affection. I dont know why but sometimes she ignores me for hours. At first I thought she was busy but then I would see her online and still not taking the time to reply. I feel like a fool for thinking so much about it and even coming here. What should I do? On one hand, I dont want to come over as some emotional crybaby, ive done that before and it felt embarassing. On the other hand, just letting it slide makes me suffer and thats why im here. Anyone have advice? I just dont get why she would do this. It really makes me doubt if she still likes me. But everytime I asked her she said she does. Sometimes I think shes just using me for some sexual pleasure
You have PTSD right? or maybe its BPD? I haven't read the rest of the thread yet, I have a ton experience in this area having C-PTSD and many relationships, I suffer with the exact same things but I've learned to deal with those feelings somewhat effectively. I think it's the distrust symptom of PTSD making you feel and think you have doubts which is overriding any clear evidence there might be that she cares about you. Such as being your girlfriend, anything sex-related, other stuff, and saying she likes you.
"I just dont get why she would do this" / "hours" - She can have a lot of reasons to appear online and not able to reply. Such as on her phone and just browsing. She also might be able to reply but not want to, because of her own anxiety, etc. You're probably subconsciously applying pressure on her to talk with you which might make her feel more pressured and anxious? Not your fault but if you look at it that way you might be able to stop doing it. This brings up another point, which is even if you can't see the reason doesn't mean there isn't one. It's best to assume that there is a reason, than assume there isn't one. Since she has BPD, anxiety and other things are perfectly valid reasons, but I also think, that everyone needs time to themselves from time to time. Some people want to talk to some of their partners almost all the time, I'm one of those people, but I just leave them a few messages while they're away then carry on with my business. Everytime I get a message back it makes me happy. Also hours doesn't seem like a very long time to me? I count myself lucky to get a message once/day if my partner is busy and exhausted. If you need to talk to her every hour you should be able to realise that could get exhausting for anyone? Even more so for introverts or people that don't want to socialise a lot.
"Just letting it slide makes me suffer" - She's not doing anything wrong, so you need to look at it from this perspective, which doesn't mean you have to suffer, it means that you have to learn to deal with your own feelings, either by yourself or find a friend to vent to that is supportive of her. I think the easiest way to make the feelings go away is to look at the clear evidence supporting that she does care about you. She has BPD which is extremely difficult to deal with as well and she is doing the same thing as best as she can. To be a good partner to someone with BPD you have to be really supportive and validating, which sounds like she is doing that for you. If you realise you've come across as emotional crybaby before then you should be able to stop it from happening again. It's not that your feelings aren't real, they are, but having feelings and suffering doesn't mean the other person is doing anything wrong, it's because they're dealing with their mental illness and you have one too. There's a reason why relationships are harder for people with mental illness and it's to do with self-sabotage and self-fulfilling thoughts and feelings.
tl;dr she does care about you
She just replied. She said she was busy. I guess she didnt have enough time to reply to my wall of text. I feel bad for giving this so much energy now.
This is what I thought. It takes a while to read a lot of replies too and I forgot about that, since I send a lot too and I think my partner might skim them sometimes. Don't be hard on yourself but recognize it's probably the PTSD making you feel this way and not anything she did. She was busy, she was reading. Try not to pressure her, because I know if someone pressured me then I would feel realllly bad. So try to look at it from her perspective too. Also though, your feelings are real, the best way I found to deal with them is look at the evidence that she does care, and if she seems to ignore you, the likely reason is they're actually busy.
I asked her how her day was and she said she doesnt want to talk about it. I dont want it to be that strict with a schedule but i also dont want to feel like im being neglected
This means she had a bad day. You need to be more supportive and look at it from her perspective. She might be feeling neglected too.
well, she was suicidal yesterday out of nowhere even though she said she has no depression. She is always binge eating too. I find it hard to understand her at all
This means she's having very bad days and negative thoughts. Binge eating is comfort eating to make her feel better. It's not difficult to understand, you need to be more supportive and look at it from her perspective.
Yes, exactly, its starting to get suspicious at this point. This shit has happened before. I said something offensive and she would ignore me for days. But this time I didnt say anything wrong, it just seems random and that makes me question her feelings for me. Im gonna be very straight forward, i have to guard my emotions and my partner should amount to them IMO
Suspicion is the PTSD talking. If you say something offensive being ghosted is pretty normal in today's society, there are worse consequences like breaking up entirely. You might've said something wrong or made her feel bad without knowing, for example making her feel pressured to talk. Even so, she's still replying to you and still says she has feelings for you, so looking at the evidence she does care about you.
I would suggest not confronting her about this but I don't know what the best thing. Only that if you do it wrong you're only going to end up pushing her further away. If she is feeling suicidal you should be more supportive imo, put your own feelings on the backburner. It's not impossible, I do that too, and I have C-PTSD.
Ask her what she's doing?
For the guy I'm talking to it helps to remind myself of the reality of the situation, someone being busy for a few hours is very normal. He often tells me what he's doing beforehand, and I know his schedule, so that helps. Also, I know like we talk like every night or maybe every other night, so knowing that for a fact I'll get a chance to talk to him helps. I just have to wait, you know? Worst case scenario I go to sleep or do something else to distract myself. I don't know my main advice would be to communicate clearly, get an idea of when you can talk next if you can, as knowing that can help you feel more secure, also find some things to do to distract yourself... You may also want to talk to a therapist for support.
All of this is good, remind of reality, get their schedule to feel better but also remember that they can break their schedule/promises/etc at any time and that's ok! They're suffering too. Just have to wait, knowing you'll get a reply back eventually is good, just hang in there and keep yourself busy. Worst case scenario is having to sleep or distract is good. Communicate clearly is good, idea of when you can talk next is good, to feel secure, and finding distract is good. Also talking to someone for support is good.
All of Inez advice is good here and how I deal with the same problem as OP. I spoke to Inez before and unsure whether they had PTSD or not, but its possible and these are good ways to deal with it. If you ask her what she's doing, be sure when you ask her what she's doing that you ask in a nice way and don't expect a reply back. If they're too busy they won't reply anyway.
Not getting into serious relationships while in a bad place is great advice. I avoided it for a year and it was great. I'm lucky to find someone smart and understanding, but even with that it's tough and it might still be a bad idea, but I get kind of obsessive so the emotions are stronger than any logical analysis. But I feel I'm sort of derailing the thread...
Relationship or no, doing things and not just thinking all day is great advice if you can do it. If not, I'd consider medication and therapy. (what i mean is that if you struggle to do fairly basic things, you probably need help, and I don't mean this in a judgemental way, it's my current situation).
This is all good too. Having someone understanding as aprtner, realising that emotions can be stronger than logical analysis, although once you realise that, you can use logic again. I don't think its derailing.
Doing things and not thinking is great advice for sure. Meds+Therapy is also what I'm trying next in my recovery stage.
Careful about that, a lot of young women (esp) are claiming and clamoring for a BPD diagnosis so that they can use it as an excuse (or a "reason" in their words) for absolutely shitty and shifty behavior.
In my experience most people who have been diagnosed with this^ who don't use it as an excuse, hold the diagnosis close to their chest, they don't really advertise it in any way and are slow to share, even with those close to them, likely because of the stereotypes that other people are contributing to.
It's become part of the mental illness "trend", and it's extremely easy to get the diagnosis, even more people self-diagnose on top of it.
I was watching youtube about some horrendous serial killers and they claim to have BPD, etc. They clearly have narcissistic traits too. I also know people definitely try to excuse bad behaviour with BPD. There are also people that are wonderful people and actually have BPD.
So my take on this is to never excuse bad, toxic, shitty or abusive behaviour. Unless you know that person for sure and can excuse some things or because you have to excuse them (if its family I guess).
You have to be certain that the other person is doing something wrong. As with rest of my post, in this case I don't think she is really ignoring OP, she's just busy and its the PTSD making everything feel 1000x worse than it actually is. PTSD is the culprit here, it sucks. (by example just a few PTSD symptoms relevant here are distrust/paranoia and feeling worthless)
Either way (I am a random internet stranger do not take this seriously) BPD is a pattern of behaviour really, not a structural issue with you brain, or something you can fix with medication. You need to relearn the unhealthy thought patterns and behavioural issues. BPD isn't an excuse, or shouldn't be, its something you should work hard to fix.
+1
Well I assume the suicidal stuff is from BPD, not depression, no?
+1