Venting My friends are also gone now

[midnightluv]

This is a kind of update to my first post here, you don't need to read it though, basically, I've decided to CTB on December 1st which is my ex's birthday. I thought of not going through with it more when I woke up around noon (I set the plan in the middle of the night) but apparently I'm an actual virus or a parasite that severely harmed the mental health of my closest friends. I feel a bit wrong posting what one of them had texted me, but my talking to her and my other friend about my depression has taken a "serious toll on (her) own mental health". I legitimately didn't know it was affecting either of them this way. I'm horrible at reading people and picking up on subtext and things like that, and both of them had said on multiple occasions that I could go to them for that stuff. In no way they had said or implied that I was hurting them, at least that I've noticed.

I'm really confused and hurt. Not hurt at them. I'm hurt at myself for causing this much harm to people I was supposed to care about. They were like family to me. And I destroyed it. I'm just like my parents, which was the last thing I wanted to be. I also didn't understand why neither of them went to me and told me what was wrong so we could have an actual discussion about it. I legitimately didn't know and they had told me the opposite. I could have worked things out before this. But now it's all destroyed.

They were some of my only friends in this state. My boyfriend is gone, my best friends are gone, and my family was never there in the first place. And it's all my fault.

I'm a horrible person. My death would be doing the entire world a favor. The worst part was that I thought I was a better person than some people but nope. I'm the same and/or worse. I have diagnoses of BPD, ADHD, GAD, and psychotic depression if that helps for context. But yeah if anyone wants to chat a bit feel free, I can't remember the last time I felt this alone.

 

[TheMetalhead]

I've been in literally the same place as you as far as being abandoned by a person whom I could tell anything to.
It really sucks, I felt the same way when I left my girlfriend who later attempted to CTB. (I had my reasons)
I too had no discussion regarding this topic with the girl that left me, not knowing it was hurting her, making her feel bad.
Knowing your date of CTB is rather reassuring, you feel as though all the problems will disappear with that day.
Needless to say, I hope you reach your goals whatever they may be.
If you need to chat for a bit, feel free to pm me, altough it's 4 am currently I will probably still be on for quite some time
Warm hugs, friend

 

[midnightluv]

I've been in literally the same place as you as far as being abandoned by a person whom I could tell anything to.
It really sucks, I felt the same way when I left my girlfriend who later attempted to CTB. (I had my reasons)
I too had no discussion regarding this topic with the girl that left me, not knowing it was hurting her, making her feel bad.
Knowing your date of CTB is rather reassuring, you feel as though all the problems will disappear with that day.
Needless to say, I hope you reach your goals whatever they may be.
If you need to chat for a bit, feel free to pm me, altough it's 4 am currently I will probably still be on for quite some time
Warm hugs, friend

I'm just upset at myself that they literally needed to band together to get away from me. Like I'm radioactive or something. What the fuck is wrong with me man. Honestly, I might move it up a month or two. I can't hurt people like this. I need to cease to exist for the sake of others.

 

[Bagobones9]

I've come to realize most people that say you can talk to them don't expect you to follow through with doing it and are off put when you do

 

[midnightluv]

I've come to realize most people that say you can talk to them don't expect you to follow through with doing it and are off put when you do

That doesn't make any sense. I've told them if I do something that hurts them, tell me. If they don't want to talk, tell me. If anything happens which needs addressing, tell me. But no. That's like opening a food pantry and getting confused/upset when people who can't afford food show up instead of putting up a closed sign.

 

[Bagobones9]

That doesn't make any sense. I've told them if I do something that hurts them, tell me. If they don't want to talk, tell me. If anything happens which needs addressing, tell me. But no. That's like opening a food pantry and getting confused/upset when people who can't afford food show up instead of putting up a closed sign.

I mean if they have never felt the same way I've found its like a common Courtesy like saying how u doin when u walk by someone no one expects you to elaborate

 

[6sad6grl6]

I was just hearing the same thing from my best friend the other day. She got upset that when she said she wanted to die I just kept saying "well let's do it together, we don't have to die alone" I didn't understand at first why she got so upset. Apparently she wants to get better, I don't. And our mutual friends are saying why should she be around me when I'm clearly suicidal? I'm starting to appreciate losing everyone around me it seems easier than having someone cry to you that they don't wanna see you go. I think they only say they'll be there for you as an empty extension, till it gets "too hard" for them mentally. Good riddance. Once you're gone THEN they care.

 

[midnightluv]

I was just hearing the same thing from my best friend the other day. She got upset that when she said she wanted to die I just kept saying "well let's do it together, we don't have to die alone" I didn't understand at first why she got so upset. Apparently she wants to get better, I don't. And our mutual friends are saying why should she be around me when I'm clearly suicidal? I'm starting to appreciate losing everyone around me it seems easier than having someone cry to you that they don't wanna see you go. I think they only say they'll be there for you as an empty extension, till it gets "too hard" for them mentally. Good riddance. Once you're gone THEN they care.

God, you hit the nail on the head.