Story My first thread

[yeti]

Good evening all , first of all i am sorry for my bad English. I am on the website for almost 3 months , reading all the threads , recently got accepted as member.

I am in state of mind where I dont know I should ctb or not. I am physically and mentally sound. Good paying job , educated, loving family but still one incident happened which I can't share that making me guilty. This guilt is making me to ctb. It was not intentional but accidental. I have trauma and ptsd from it. Shall I forgive myself or not. Can I live my life with this guilt I don't know. Sorry I am venting.

 

[jodes2]

Welcome to SS! Sorry you're here

I hope you forgive yourself, it would be a terrible waste to CTB just because of an accident

I hope you find peace whatever you decide

 

[yeti]

Welcome to SS! Sorry you're here

I hope you forgive yourself, it would be a terrible waste to CTB just because of an accident

I hope you find peace whatever you decide

Thanks for your kind words. Yes , peace is what I need. I am not able to decide if I can achieve this peace in life or not. Sometimes the thought of ctb makes me calm. I am in process of ordering charcoal and SN. Not sure which method I will use. Buying them Just in case.

I am in such a bad situation , last night I was talking all night, just to get rid of my anxiety. If I won't talk then flashbacks keep on coming in my mind. Medicines , weed , alcohol all these alternatives I never touched or tried in my life but now I am on all of these.

I feel like I was running and now I am down and can't get up. I wish I can forgive myself but at same time I can't. Don't know if I am too harsh on myself or I should just move on.

Thanks again for being here and supporting words.

 

[Myauka]

Hey, this is only my second post here and im in a very similar situation, just wanted to say that I hope things go better for you and welcome!

 

[Judy Garland]

I can't live with my guilt either. If you knew what I had done in my worst moments, you would all hate me and judge me. I pray that Heaven is NOTHING like this earth. My time is coming soon. It may be sooner than I thought too. But we'll see. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself since it seems everything else is ok in your life. I find it impossible to forgive myself, so it's easier said than done.

 

[UnlimitedPain]

Sorry your going through this

Life is cruel and hard, decision making is cruel and too be in a state where you are at is horrible. I know this feeling all to well

If you can find it to forgive yourself it may be very uplifting and exactly what you need however it won't be easy. Other factors in your life seem good and I know your in pain but don't be impulsive to CTB.

When you say medicines are you on anti depressants?? A combination of them plus therapy can help with PTSD but combing all these things (weed booze drugs) suddenly especially when your new to them with low tolerance isn't good for the mind.

I hope you find the answers and healing your seeking

 

[yeti]

Hey, this is only my second post here and im in a very similar situation, just wanted to say that I hope things go better for you and welcome!

I can't live with my guilt either. If you knew what I had done in my worst moments, you would all hate me and judge me. I pray that Heaven is NOTHING like this earth. My time is coming soon. It may be sooner than I thought too. But we'll see. I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself since it seems everything else is ok in your life. I find it impossible to forgive myself, so it's easier said than done.

Thank you , I just wish I can go back in time and change it. But it's not possible. I cant look in mirror , cant step out of house , cant do day to day basic activities like shaving , bathing. This guilt is so overwhelming, strange thing is that I never thought in my life I will be in this situation. I was a good son , husband , brother and father and now completely destroyed.

I used to think why ppl ctb and was never able to understand. Now I know the reason and understand their situation. I just wish I close my eyes and when I open I go back in time. Wish it was just a nightmare.

If I forgive myself I feel selfish , heartless and if I don't I can't live like this. Shall I become selfish , stone hearted or give my life for my morals. I dont know.

Sorry your going through this

Life is cruel and hard, decision making is cruel and too be in a state where you are at is horrible. I know this feeling all to well

If you can find it to forgive yourself it may be very uplifting and exactly what you need however it won't be easy. Other factors in your life seem good and I know your in pain but don't be impulsive to CTB.

When you say medicines are you on anti depressants?? A combination of them plus therapy can help with PTSD but combing all these things (weed booze drugs) suddenly especially when your new to them with low tolerance isn't good for the mind.

I hope you find the answers and healing your seeking

You are absolutely right. It was a wrong decision to be specific a medical decision. My decision which I thought was right at that moment proved to be wrong.

I keep on thinking now wish I would have sone aomething different , I could have , I should have. It's an endless chain of thoughts.

Yes , I want to make sure if I ctb I think from all perspective because it's a big decision. Yes am on prozac and also I ordered some rum and thc gummies.

Last couple of weeks I was taking all of them still was not able to sleep. My mind is hyper active. I took benadryl too. Still it's hard to shut it down .


Thank you for your words . Every word is comforting and helps me.

 

[UnlimitedPain]

I wish I could turn back time too or go sleep and not awake, sadly I can't do either

Your gonna have to make the decision my friend has hard has that may be

If you ever wanna talk PM me

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really painful and hard to deal with being in that situation dealing with so much regret and it's awful how life can torture people in so many ways. Existing can certainly be very tiring as we have to live with ourselves as long as we exist with no real relief from what we have to endure.
But I wish you the best, at least you will have the option of ways to exit this life if that is what you decide to do.

 

[ceus]

Welcome, I'm also new to this community.
It was an accident as you say. So either completely up to factors out of your control or you weren't aware of the consequences your actions would lead to.
Either way I'd say not to blame yourself. Seek to learn from your mistakes. Seek to better life around you. Make amends (in a secular or religious way, whatever suits you).
But all of that easier said than done.
My best suggestion would be to make a plan. A plan for repairing what has been broken. A plan, according to your best knowledge, how you could ease the burden of guilt through good deeds.
If you stick to your plan for a certain amount of time and you still feel like going, let it be so.
Until then I wish you all the best and a existance as free from suffering as possible.

<3
Ceus