My family makes me want to blow my brains out

[m3nhera]

They can't abuse you or get perked up if they don't even know anything about you after leaving.
Removing and blocking them all once it's done is very essential.
If it's tolerable then planning on leaving quietly could be an option.

Unfortunately this isn't an option for me at the moment. If I could pack up and leave I would've done that already. It's okay though, I can do this and life isn't hopeless like they lead me to believe. I had a decent day at work today. And my bf made me smile.

I don't really know which answer to pick in the poll. Although when I first had suicidal ideation in my late teens it had to do with the abuse I had suffered at my father's hands, I'd say I managed to put these things behind me eventually (although it took years). It certainly helped that I moved out at the age of 16 with the help of social services and had little contact with my family afterwards and eventually completely refused all contact with my parents.
Life certainly got a lot better over the years, but in a way I feel like this period of chronic suicidality in my late teens together with a mindset of "once I am dead I can't feel bad about being dead anymore" that I used as a coping mechanism to deal with the fear of being killed by my father when I was still living with my parents seems to have lowered the threshold for considering ctb when confronted with a difficult situation in life a lot. Currently I am simply experiencing some medical problems (although it is nothing too serious or untreatable it is quite annoying as it currently prevents me from doing most things that give me joy) and have an unstable/unsecure life situation and fear of the future on top of it (currently no home, just temporarily living at my boy-friend's appartment and dreading to not find a decent job again)

I'm sorry, and I understand your fear. The day I was referring to in my post from yesterday, my mom also kept screaming at me how she's gonna kill me blah blah blah.

They're never merciless enough to actually do it but regardless, besides the obvious reasons, I don't want to die this way because I want death less if it's her killing me.

The idea of choice when it comes to living is huge here and someone else murdering us without our consent defeats that purpose.