My family - how can I do this to them?

[discokicks]

This decision is tormenting me so much. There are moments when I think about it and I feel a sense of relief because I know MY suffereing will be over. But what about for them? It's my sister's birthday and I am not there because I have a couple of things to do. But I have missed out on so many family events since Jan all because of my drinking. I briefly fell asleep and when I woke up felt so alone and sad and then I realised this might be how I will make them feel every day for the rest of the lives if I do this. I'm so confused, I can't stop thinking about it, I can't see another way out I have tried medication, tried counselling, tried so much...I want this they are my only barrier but a big one...sometimes a beautiful family can be a curse as well as a blessing

 

[200_ponies]

I know it's not much help, but I'm going through the exact same thing. I love my family more than anything; I'm so lucky to have them. The thought of leaving them has given me so much stress that it's manifesting as physical symptoms now. But I truly believe suicide is the only way for me to find peace. I've tried everything else.

I don't know what to do about this crippling guilt either, but just know you're not alone in this.

 

[Empty Smile]

Family is the hardest thing to overcome. I won't tell you to ctb and forget about them. That is a decision you have to make, no one else can do it for you.

My family has made it easy for me. The treatment I receive from them tells me I don't matter to them. I'm like the turd on the bottom of their shoe they scrape off on the curb.

 

[discokicks]

All I can say is I wish there was another way but I cannot see it at this point my brain is wired wrong and I'm sick of every fuckign day being a struggle - I didn't sign up for this

 

[Kyrok]

I told my mother I was suicidal some years ago. Her response was "what, you're suicidal too?"

I didn't pursue it, but I think my father, who was bedridden from pain, was suicidal.

If you're sure you will ctb, maybe talk to your loved ones first so it isn't as much a shock.

 

[discokicks]

I told my mother I was suicidal some years ago. Her response was "what, you're suicidal too?"

I didn't pursue it, but I think my father, who was bedridden from pain, was suicidal.

If you're sure you will ctb, maybe talk to your loved ones first so it isn't as much a shock.

Well actually my sister and I went to a cafe about three weeks ago after I picked up my valium. She wanted to get something to eat. Just something normal right? Of course it was a huge deal for me because I'm in public and my brain is a piece of mashed in shit and I was freaking out. Anyway it was quite emotional and a few tears were shed on both sides as I said I just am so tired of feeling like this every day. She said the family had discussed it before and they didn't want me to go on if I was in such pain but obviously they wanted me still there. I asked if I could borrow 20 dollars. She asked if it was for alcohol and I said yes and she gave it to me. That never would have happened before. I think she knows how much pain I'm in. She has suggested we could do a talk about it. I'm going there on Friday for a few days. I guess we'll see how it goes if it comes up but I can't see how it will improve I'm 35 it's just been going on so long I'm fucking exhausted you know

 

[seekingoblivion]

I don't know what to say mate. I've had long nights over this and right now I feel exhausted by caring personally. I go up and down between caring so much and not caring much. I know part of the not caring part comes from how they never gave a crap when I was growing up. And then I just get tired of being alive for other people. Then there's resentment for my parents first having me then proceeding to help me become fucked up.

 

[wiIIow]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation, I can empathise. My father has been my main barrier for a long time, knowing that it would wreck him if I ctb.

There's no way to prevent suffering either way, either you are in pain or your family is. All I can suggest is a bit of harm reduction in the event that you do decide to go through with it; make absolutely certain they don't find your body, and write notes as to not leave any loose ends. That's about the best you can do, really. They'll still hurt, but you can at least assure them that there's nothing they could have done differently to change the outcome. Hopefully they will understand if you can explain your situation and the fact that you have exhausted your options for living a quality life.

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do, friend. I've personally chosen to live for now, and try to limp through life the best I can. It's terrible, but I can't bear the thought of the small handful of people I give a shit about attending my funeral. I understand the predicament, that's for certain. I hope you find a way to ease your pain.

 

[MAC10]

I don't give a flying fuck about my family. Their tears will be tears of joy pretending to be sadness when I ctb.
They'll forget about me within a month.

When I ctb it will be a win-win scenario for me and my family. I am the scapegoat so if I die, I'm at peace (win), if I die they won't have to think about me anymore (win).

 

[Halo13]

I don't give a flying fuck about my family. Their tears will be tears of joy pretending to be sadness when I ctb.
They'll forget about me within a month.

When I ctb it will be a win-win scenario for me and my family. I am the scapegoat so if I die, I'm at peace (win), if I die they won't have to think about me anymore (win).

I'm the scapegoat too so I feel your message. What remains of my family have made it abundantly clear they wish I was dead.