Venting My ex started messaging me

[Average Joe]

Fuck. I've forgotten how to get the words from my head onto a page. Bare with me as I write this pls I'm going cold turkey off my meds.

My ex girlfriend called E, started messaging me after we last spoke in 2017? I think like 8 years now.
I'm so ashamed because I'm now comparing myself and in the grand scheme of things, I think I've just gotten worse from when I was 17. I'm not doing anything amazing, life hasn't improved, I've gotten fatter, angrier and more bitter.

I've got BPD and now I'm terrified of catching feelings because I know that people will eventually leave.
I know she can't harm me because my heart is still broken after my last relationship that ended during lockdown with a different ex called A.

She invited me to her place for weed and sex but my anxiety is so bad. Maybe weed would help it a lil.

Idek, I can't remember how to talk to women in a romantic / fliratious way anymore, since my last relationship, any girl I talk to I just treat them like they're a brother, which doesn't exactly get you far.
I'm so insecure and anxious, I still have so many problems and I can't have someone else that's gonna prevent me from killing myself when it comes to it.

Not sure what the purpose of this is, maybe I just need to vent.

 

[Carrot]

I have BPD too.

I want to be loved, so I have trouble when I am alone. But when I'm in a relationship, I don't believe somebody can truly love me, so I need constant affirmation. But also I don't want people to get too close, so I push them away. But I only strive when I am in a relationship, but I am unintentionally toxic because of that. It's incredibly exhausting for the other person. I have never been in a relationship in which the other person knew about my issues or had it themselves, I think that would make it significantly easier to control, as long as both sides were truly willing to try.

It comes from immense self-hatred, which is partialy caused by trauma, partialy objective reasons (genetical flaws).

Casual sex, friends with benefits, or something like that is absolutely terrible for BPD in my opinion. I think the solution is a meaningful long lasting relationship in which both people are aware of the problems, willing to work on them, and not based on sex. Our need for intimacy makes that difficult, it's hard to resist. I think it's really easy to fall into very destructive hedonism.