purebliss
"Just be happy" =)
- Mar 3, 2026
- 222
Part 1 - Life Story | Onion Link
Part 2 - Planning | Onion Link
Part 3 - Closure + DSL | Onion Link
Part 4 - Cover Blown | Onion Link <- Emotionally charged article. No longer reflects my current opinions and was written under massive sadness
Part 4:Amendment - Missing them | Onion Link <- Emotionally charged article. No longer reflects my current opinions and was written under massive sadness
Part 5 - Hypothesis | Onion Link
Part 6 - Curiosity | Onion Link
Part 7 - Shattered Hope | Onion Link
Well, well, well.
This was one interesting week for sure.
Quite a lot to say.
And also hey, hey you two~ \(^-^)
I know you are watching
I had to cancel writing this entry multiple times, because my mind decided that it was time to either cry or dance or be mad or be euphoric or feel any other feeling available in my "arsenal".
It is all so very... interesting, right now.
So I apologize if I may wrote something double or left parts out. Feel free to call me out on that and I will further elaborate then ^^
With this I will now truly and fully conclude the diary ^~^
Soon new things will happen and I will see what the psychward will do with me.
I go in there with an open mind and hope for a better future.
But also with the deepest hopelessness one can possibly feel.
I see you all, hopefully, again soon in the Recovery forum
.
Part 2 - Planning | Onion Link
Part 3 - Closure + DSL | Onion Link
Part 4 - Cover Blown | Onion Link <- Emotionally charged article. No longer reflects my current opinions and was written under massive sadness
Part 4:Amendment - Missing them | Onion Link <- Emotionally charged article. No longer reflects my current opinions and was written under massive sadness
Part 5 - Hypothesis | Onion Link
Part 6 - Curiosity | Onion Link
Part 7 - Shattered Hope | Onion Link
Well, well, well.
This was one interesting week for sure.
Quite a lot to say.
And also hey, hey you two~ \(^-^)
I know you are watching
I have to say beforehand that I never in my life took any chemical drug whatsoever.
I was until November of last year in general extremely scarcely involved with any type of drug.
I neither drink nor smoke.
I am what one would consider a "good boy".
But on my quest of getting as many experiences as possible before I die, I tried LSD.
Me and my (possibly ex)CTB-Mates ordered a bunch of drugs from DH.
LSD, S-Ketamine, 3-MMC Mephedrone, LSD, MDMA, XTC PopSmoke.
We decided to start on the 10th with one of them. What I did not know was that LSD was the most potent of them all and that there is not much more above that.
It was also not a small dosage at all at 300ug.
We took it and for the next 20-40 Minutes nothing really happened until it hit!
So, now I have to say that I did research a little bit about this drug beforehand. I took it with the full on intention of finding an ego death.
Of finding a purpose in all my suffering.
Of finding anything at all.
I have suffered for 13 eternally long years.
I wanted to know so badly why I had to live in this living hell in my head.
If there is anything at all beyond my physical capability of understanding that I am missing.
I will now go more into detail of each "Stage" I went through during the trip.
All in all this was the best first acid trip one could have ever gotten.
I was completely content during the entire trip. From jumpy, to deep enlightenment, to back to jumpy, to re-synchronization, to actually being able to sleep properly.
You can not imagine how incredibly good I felt about having taken 300ug immediately instead of building a tolerance on small dosages.
But I also do not want to take any other drugs anymore. Also those I took before like weed.
I got all the answers to questions I never asked.
I got closure to something I never knew I needed closure to
I saw everything I was allowed to see.
I felt things I did not even knew I could feel.
The next trip will most definitely not be as good as this one and I am actually a bit afraid that I might get punished for my greed.
Therefore I now decided that I am done with drugs.
I also was now able to see the truth about any drug.
Which was surprisingly simple: Every drug is just how much your soul can disconnect from your body. That is all the magic.
Even things that people do not necessarily consider as "drugs" like music and sugar are causing you to very slightly disconnect your soul from your body as your brain is occupied with handling the sensation.
This also explains the slang name "Acid". This drug is the guide that will completely dissolve the brain-soul connection allowing you to completely rip your soul out if you let it.
There was just one annoying stage left now:
I was until November of last year in general extremely scarcely involved with any type of drug.
I neither drink nor smoke.
I am what one would consider a "good boy".
But on my quest of getting as many experiences as possible before I die, I tried LSD.
Me and my (possibly ex)CTB-Mates ordered a bunch of drugs from DH.
LSD, S-Ketamine, 3-MMC Mephedrone, LSD, MDMA, XTC PopSmoke.
We decided to start on the 10th with one of them. What I did not know was that LSD was the most potent of them all and that there is not much more above that.
It was also not a small dosage at all at 300ug.
We took it and for the next 20-40 Minutes nothing really happened until it hit!
So, now I have to say that I did research a little bit about this drug beforehand. I took it with the full on intention of finding an ego death.
Of finding a purpose in all my suffering.
Of finding anything at all.
I have suffered for 13 eternally long years.
I wanted to know so badly why I had to live in this living hell in my head.
If there is anything at all beyond my physical capability of understanding that I am missing.
I will now go more into detail of each "Stage" I went through during the trip.
Things slowly started to become twisted and warped.
Time became rapidly slower and soon felt like another physical, tangible and controllable thing.
Space warped to form corridors between me and other points in the room.
I had difficulties talking with my ctb-mate when she was just standing across the room. She also was unable to hear me so it seems we both experienced the same feeling.
It was fairly frightening at first because I was not really sure what was going on.
Watching my fingers felt like watching snails moving out from them. Everything was spiraling in a Fibonacci, Golden Spiral way of things.
But I decided to let the drug guide me. I realized it wanted to show me something and I let it. I did not fight, I did not fear no more. I just let it do what it wants to do.
I went into this trip with a purpose. With a mission.
And the drug took very kindly to me letting it guide me.
So I was able to enter the second stage.
Time became rapidly slower and soon felt like another physical, tangible and controllable thing.
Space warped to form corridors between me and other points in the room.
I had difficulties talking with my ctb-mate when she was just standing across the room. She also was unable to hear me so it seems we both experienced the same feeling.
It was fairly frightening at first because I was not really sure what was going on.
Watching my fingers felt like watching snails moving out from them. Everything was spiraling in a Fibonacci, Golden Spiral way of things.
But I decided to let the drug guide me. I realized it wanted to show me something and I let it. I did not fight, I did not fear no more. I just let it do what it wants to do.
I went into this trip with a purpose. With a mission.
And the drug took very kindly to me letting it guide me.
So I was able to enter the second stage.
I became very active. I wanted to move so badly. We turned on some brazilian phonk on the TV and just danced for what felt like days.
I was so out of breath but I could not feel it. I only heard my own exhaustion but I was able to do so much more.
She told me I had some moves on me while dancing, hehe. My anxiety completely went away, all the terrible in my head dissipated. I could no longer feel anything.
It felt like... My soul was slowly getting out of my body.
My body became longer and I started to realize that I, in fact, was phasing out of my physical body.
I started to see the souls of my mates. No longer their physical appearances but way more behind it. I saw how radiating white the soul of that girl was.
And how beautiful and amazing the soul of my other mate was. He sadly did not have such a good trip. More on that later.
I was now at the point that It became clear to me that there is way more that will happen now. I will be able to completely disconnect from my body.
I was so out of breath but I could not feel it. I only heard my own exhaustion but I was able to do so much more.
She told me I had some moves on me while dancing, hehe. My anxiety completely went away, all the terrible in my head dissipated. I could no longer feel anything.
It felt like... My soul was slowly getting out of my body.
My body became longer and I started to realize that I, in fact, was phasing out of my physical body.
I started to see the souls of my mates. No longer their physical appearances but way more behind it. I saw how radiating white the soul of that girl was.
And how beautiful and amazing the soul of my other mate was. He sadly did not have such a good trip. More on that later.
I was now at the point that It became clear to me that there is way more that will happen now. I will be able to completely disconnect from my body.
And how right I was.
My soul completely started to detach from my body and I was able to traverse to a new etheral realm.
I laid face down on my couch and exited my body entirely by focusing on a specific point and deeply relaxing my body.
I saw "the gateway" and was quickly zooming in with my soul.
A huge white endless wall of "plug" like connections covered in strange markings and patterns.
I was able to "plug" my soul into one of those plugs and transfer over to the other side
View attachment gateway.jpg
Someone who found the gateway can now plug-in and out at will if they need to return to their physical body for whatever reason.
My soul completely started to detach from my body and I was able to traverse to a new etheral realm.
I laid face down on my couch and exited my body entirely by focusing on a specific point and deeply relaxing my body.
I saw "the gateway" and was quickly zooming in with my soul.
A huge white endless wall of "plug" like connections covered in strange markings and patterns.
I was able to "plug" my soul into one of those plugs and transfer over to the other side
View attachment gateway.jpg
Someone who found the gateway can now plug-in and out at will if they need to return to their physical body for whatever reason.
When I plugged myself in I passed by an incredibly massive tree and saw one huge, fully white branch where an entire stream of soul were passing back into said tree.
I saw how some souls were flying into the branch and merging back together into the main stream. Those possibly could have been souls that died and are now going back to the "branch".
I don't know what else that tree has to offer. I only saw that flowing branch of life and was incredibly quickly passing by it.
I will later learn that from that branch a soul can have any type of possible permutation of life. One soul can live through an eternity of permutation of lifes.
Psychical and physical.
View attachment The tree.jpg
I am not even able to convey how incredibly massive the tree was with this drawing of mine.
It was such an overwhelming and awe inspiring thing to see. The flow of the branch like a river was mesmerizing but I was an ethereal eternity away from the tree and just zooming by it to get to my true destination.
I saw how some souls were flying into the branch and merging back together into the main stream. Those possibly could have been souls that died and are now going back to the "branch".
I don't know what else that tree has to offer. I only saw that flowing branch of life and was incredibly quickly passing by it.
I will later learn that from that branch a soul can have any type of possible permutation of life. One soul can live through an eternity of permutation of lifes.
Psychical and physical.
View attachment The tree.jpg
I am not even able to convey how incredibly massive the tree was with this drawing of mine.
It was such an overwhelming and awe inspiring thing to see. The flow of the branch like a river was mesmerizing but I was an ethereal eternity away from the tree and just zooming by it to get to my true destination.
And bam, I was at my true destination. I arrived at a huge bell like tower watching down from it onto a huge courtyard where I saw two child like souls playing.
And I was observing them from there.
I knew that they were the souls of my CTB-Mates as I was able to see that one of the souls was spotted but beautiful while the other was radiant white.
Both had wing like structures slightly disconnected from their main body.
View attachment soulplay.jpg
And there I also met someone who I immediately identified as my "master".
My head was filled with a sudden surge of information.
I realized that I myself am a "guidance soul".
Someone who is meant to bring the souls under their protection safely and happily to the other side.
Someone who looks after the ethereal children and makes sure to help them in any way that they can help.
Someone who is there to look after one of the many possible permutations, like their current life on this planet, and safely bring them back to the branch of existence when their life comes to an end.
I am one of many. I was nothing special. Even in the ethereal realm I was not much more but a "servant" to someone. But it still made me... happy(?).
To finally have been given a purpose was already worth so much. But I knew it was not all. I knew there will still answers that have not been given to me.
I asked my master if that is truly my only purpose. I was mad at that moment, mad that this was all. That this was all I got after suffering for so, so long.
I wanted to know more about myself. I wanted to know more what possible permutations I have already lived through, what I was.
But he was unwilling to give me an answer.
He showed me how my soul being looks like and also how he looked like.
I also tried to make out a name but in this ethereal realm there are no such things as names as they are irrelevant here.
He hid himself behind a big black box in front of him. I was only able to make out this:
View attachment master.jpg
And my soul looked very interesting as well.
Strange markings formed into a wing like structure and a normal wing. 3 eyes weirdly ordered but else a similar looking soul to others, just bigger.
And my soul was... blue(?) for whatever reason. An ocean-deep type of blue.
Here is a rough drawing:
View attachment soulme.jpg
That was only shown to me for an ethereal second. The interesting part about time in this dimension was that it was tangible here.
I could decide how long that second would be but at the same time that second will pass incredibly quick.
It is quite impossible to describe how a soul being controls time in that dimension.
It is tangible but at the same time it is not.
My master now gave me the knowledge of "folding" and how to do it.
My mission now was to find knowledge about the souls I was protecting.
And I was observing them from there.
I knew that they were the souls of my CTB-Mates as I was able to see that one of the souls was spotted but beautiful while the other was radiant white.
Both had wing like structures slightly disconnected from their main body.
View attachment soulplay.jpg
And there I also met someone who I immediately identified as my "master".
My head was filled with a sudden surge of information.
I realized that I myself am a "guidance soul".
Someone who is meant to bring the souls under their protection safely and happily to the other side.
Someone who looks after the ethereal children and makes sure to help them in any way that they can help.
Someone who is there to look after one of the many possible permutations, like their current life on this planet, and safely bring them back to the branch of existence when their life comes to an end.
I am one of many. I was nothing special. Even in the ethereal realm I was not much more but a "servant" to someone. But it still made me... happy(?).
To finally have been given a purpose was already worth so much. But I knew it was not all. I knew there will still answers that have not been given to me.
I asked my master if that is truly my only purpose. I was mad at that moment, mad that this was all. That this was all I got after suffering for so, so long.
I wanted to know more about myself. I wanted to know more what possible permutations I have already lived through, what I was.
But he was unwilling to give me an answer.
He showed me how my soul being looks like and also how he looked like.
I also tried to make out a name but in this ethereal realm there are no such things as names as they are irrelevant here.
He hid himself behind a big black box in front of him. I was only able to make out this:
View attachment master.jpg
And my soul looked very interesting as well.
Strange markings formed into a wing like structure and a normal wing. 3 eyes weirdly ordered but else a similar looking soul to others, just bigger.
And my soul was... blue(?) for whatever reason. An ocean-deep type of blue.
Here is a rough drawing:
View attachment soulme.jpg
That was only shown to me for an ethereal second. The interesting part about time in this dimension was that it was tangible here.
I could decide how long that second would be but at the same time that second will pass incredibly quick.
It is quite impossible to describe how a soul being controls time in that dimension.
It is tangible but at the same time it is not.
My master now gave me the knowledge of "folding" and how to do it.
My mission now was to find knowledge about the souls I was protecting.
Information transmission was incredibly interesting in this realm.
One does not just get things told most of the time.
But things can be transmitted via "experiences" by "folding" on top of them.
Ethereal souls can "fold" themselves onto said experiences.
Experiences can be found in everything. A dust corn, a leaf, a random spot on your couch.
You can fold yourself onto anything and everything has some kind of "experience" attached to them.
It is what you seek, what you may find in said experience.
To find an experience there you need to pass through each "fold" first, though. Going deeper and deeper.
The entire process is incredibly slow and inefficient as it takes ethereal years to go deeper.
I remember that I complained at how inefficient this form of communication was in my physical body.
Here is a rough outline how to do folding:
1. Plug-out and go back to your physical body
2. Choose a spot that "calls out to you". You will know what I mean when you manage to disconnect your soul.
3. Disconnect your soul and witness a spiral forming in front of you and spiral your soul on top of said spiral
4. Now start absorbing the first folding layer and go deeper and deeper until you find the "experience" you were looking for.
One does not just get things told most of the time.
But things can be transmitted via "experiences" by "folding" on top of them.
Ethereal souls can "fold" themselves onto said experiences.
Experiences can be found in everything. A dust corn, a leaf, a random spot on your couch.
You can fold yourself onto anything and everything has some kind of "experience" attached to them.
It is what you seek, what you may find in said experience.
To find an experience there you need to pass through each "fold" first, though. Going deeper and deeper.
The entire process is incredibly slow and inefficient as it takes ethereal years to go deeper.
I remember that I complained at how inefficient this form of communication was in my physical body.
Here is a rough outline how to do folding:
1. Plug-out and go back to your physical body
2. Choose a spot that "calls out to you". You will know what I mean when you manage to disconnect your soul.
3. Disconnect your soul and witness a spiral forming in front of you and spiral your soul on top of said spiral
4. Now start absorbing the first folding layer and go deeper and deeper until you find the "experience" you were looking for.
My mission now was to find out as many information about the souls I was protecting as possible.
I folded into multiple spots in my room and was able to retrieve information about my first CTB-Mate. His past life and what he is feeling.
Even though I was only able to feel a fraction of what he is feeling I started to physically cry and felt his deep pain.
I understood why he self-hated himself so, so much. Why he has such a deep dislike for himself in this physical manifestation.
It was because he has the soul-property of having a damaged soul. Those were the spots I was seeing on him.
And every spot will lead to a terrible life in each permutation of his life until every last spot is purged.
I saw one of his past permutation as well.
An ancient greek sailor far in the past. Physically buff with a wife and a daughter.
He himself did not have a terrible life but the death was as sad as one can imagine.
Dying at high seas on a naval battle and slowly drowning to death until his soul returned to the branch of life.
And all the pain he felt in his past permutations kept onto each and every other permutation that followed after. Which in this instance manifested in his excessive self-hate
I was satisfied with the information I got and un-plugged a bit to talk to him as he was having a terrible trip.
As I was trying to guide him into a better trip I told him about the things I saw. I wanted him to see his past permutations, to see that specific permutation and the wonderful life he has lived there despite that death. It was hard to guide someone who always took drugs with the full on intention of self-destruction and not wit
h finding a reason.
I managed to bring him on a good trip for a bit until he decided to forcefully reconnect, resynchronize and get sober as fast as possible.
The reason for that was that those two cute idiots decided to go to luxembourg before taking the acid. We took it at 23:00 and they wanted to go at 6:30 am the very next day.
Went as well as you expect, it was a horrible trip from what I heard later. In the LSD trip AND the physical trip.
I decided that it was no longer possible to guide him to a safer trip as he was actively fighting against it. I can guide, but I can not enforce.
Therefore I decided that it was time to see what a permutation of my other CTB-Mate looked like. I saw her bright and radiant soul and was so very curious what she did in her past life.
So I went back in. I plugged myself back into the gateway and searched for "the library" which is practically an assortment of spirals hanging on an ethereal thread.
It was a gigantic ethereally eternally long dimension where one is able to find any information they wished for.
And information I indeed found. One of her permutations was a petite sailor girl with long blonde hair a bandana and a striped shirt.
Because names are scrambled in this dimension I could not make out her name sadly but I saw that she was on a boat trip over to south-america to form what is today known as Brazil.
Which she also comes from, btw.
Now I did a big mistake
I folded into multiple spots in my room and was able to retrieve information about my first CTB-Mate. His past life and what he is feeling.
Even though I was only able to feel a fraction of what he is feeling I started to physically cry and felt his deep pain.
I understood why he self-hated himself so, so much. Why he has such a deep dislike for himself in this physical manifestation.
It was because he has the soul-property of having a damaged soul. Those were the spots I was seeing on him.
And every spot will lead to a terrible life in each permutation of his life until every last spot is purged.
I saw one of his past permutation as well.
An ancient greek sailor far in the past. Physically buff with a wife and a daughter.
He himself did not have a terrible life but the death was as sad as one can imagine.
Dying at high seas on a naval battle and slowly drowning to death until his soul returned to the branch of life.
And all the pain he felt in his past permutations kept onto each and every other permutation that followed after. Which in this instance manifested in his excessive self-hate
I was satisfied with the information I got and un-plugged a bit to talk to him as he was having a terrible trip.
As I was trying to guide him into a better trip I told him about the things I saw. I wanted him to see his past permutations, to see that specific permutation and the wonderful life he has lived there despite that death. It was hard to guide someone who always took drugs with the full on intention of self-destruction and not wit
h finding a reason.
I managed to bring him on a good trip for a bit until he decided to forcefully reconnect, resynchronize and get sober as fast as possible.
The reason for that was that those two cute idiots decided to go to luxembourg before taking the acid. We took it at 23:00 and they wanted to go at 6:30 am the very next day.
Went as well as you expect, it was a horrible trip from what I heard later. In the LSD trip AND the physical trip.
I decided that it was no longer possible to guide him to a safer trip as he was actively fighting against it. I can guide, but I can not enforce.
Therefore I decided that it was time to see what a permutation of my other CTB-Mate looked like. I saw her bright and radiant soul and was so very curious what she did in her past life.
So I went back in. I plugged myself back into the gateway and searched for "the library" which is practically an assortment of spirals hanging on an ethereal thread.
It was a gigantic ethereally eternally long dimension where one is able to find any information they wished for.
And information I indeed found. One of her permutations was a petite sailor girl with long blonde hair a bandana and a striped shirt.
Because names are scrambled in this dimension I could not make out her name sadly but I saw that she was on a boat trip over to south-america to form what is today known as Brazil.
Which she also comes from, btw.
Now I did a big mistake
After I un-plugged and told her what I saw I went in again one last time because I just could not leave it like this and I wanted more knowledge about myself.
I phased into the library again and there I saw my Master waiting for me to immediately throw me out of the gateway.
I was forcefully unplugged and not able to re-plug.
That was the moment I realized that this indeed is over now and I will not be able to find the gateway again.
I phased into the library again and there I saw my Master waiting for me to immediately throw me out of the gateway.
I was forcefully unplugged and not able to re-plug.
That was the moment I realized that this indeed is over now and I will not be able to find the gateway again.
So I decided to use the rest of the trip to get back to dancing and just feel the grand disconnection of my body.
I was not able to feel hunger, thirst, sleepiness, temperature or any other "Bodily sensor". I was fully disconnected from my body although about 20% re-synchronized again as a consequence of my actions.
I was able to control this physical vessel but did not feel any sensory feedback which was very welcome as it also meant that I was able to escape my brain!
Yes I was no longer feeling my brain at all. I could not and did not want to think. It was so neat. I just did what I wanted to and it was all so well.
I let the drug guide me to wherever it wanted to guide me.
I was not able to feel hunger, thirst, sleepiness, temperature or any other "Bodily sensor". I was fully disconnected from my body although about 20% re-synchronized again as a consequence of my actions.
I was able to control this physical vessel but did not feel any sensory feedback which was very welcome as it also meant that I was able to escape my brain!
Yes I was no longer feeling my brain at all. I could not and did not want to think. It was so neat. I just did what I wanted to and it was all so well.
I let the drug guide me to wherever it wanted to guide me.
As with any drug, the trip will eventually have to come to an end.
I made sure to cause my physical body as little discomfort as possible and even though I did not feel any need for anything I drank, I brushed teeth and made sure to keep this body as unharmed and clean as possible.
I felt how my brain was forcefully trying to reconnect my soul back to my body.
Sensors connected and disconnected on the fly. For a short time I was even able to plug out and plug in my body sensors as I wished.
The feel of my skin came and went.
I was able to "think" again for a few seconds and then not.
It was a bit annoying, especially since I now was alone, dancing all by myself.
Had nobody to give me some way of external stimuli and just had to feel my way back.
I did one last thing which is fairly incredible for someone on Acid.
It is now 12 am and I realized that my body does require sleep although I can not feel the sensation of "tired" at all.
I saw my face in the mirror and the intense dark circles under my eyes and how collapsed my eyes are.
So I decided to go to sleep. Obviously I could not as I was high on acid like nothing else.
I asked my master to do me this one last favor and send me into a deep sleep.
And he actually appeared one last time. I saw him in front of my eyes and then everything spiraled in front of my eyes before immediately passing out entirely.
I woke up around 5-6 hours later and had the most well-rested sleep ever.
No hangover feelings in any way.
No headache, no hunger, no sleepiness, no nasty feeling, nothing.
I assume this was the last gift my master gave me before disappearing for good.
I made sure to cause my physical body as little discomfort as possible and even though I did not feel any need for anything I drank, I brushed teeth and made sure to keep this body as unharmed and clean as possible.
I felt how my brain was forcefully trying to reconnect my soul back to my body.
Sensors connected and disconnected on the fly. For a short time I was even able to plug out and plug in my body sensors as I wished.
The feel of my skin came and went.
I was able to "think" again for a few seconds and then not.
It was a bit annoying, especially since I now was alone, dancing all by myself.
Had nobody to give me some way of external stimuli and just had to feel my way back.
I did one last thing which is fairly incredible for someone on Acid.
It is now 12 am and I realized that my body does require sleep although I can not feel the sensation of "tired" at all.
I saw my face in the mirror and the intense dark circles under my eyes and how collapsed my eyes are.
So I decided to go to sleep. Obviously I could not as I was high on acid like nothing else.
I asked my master to do me this one last favor and send me into a deep sleep.
And he actually appeared one last time. I saw him in front of my eyes and then everything spiraled in front of my eyes before immediately passing out entirely.
I woke up around 5-6 hours later and had the most well-rested sleep ever.
No hangover feelings in any way.
No headache, no hunger, no sleepiness, no nasty feeling, nothing.
I assume this was the last gift my master gave me before disappearing for good.
I was completely content during the entire trip. From jumpy, to deep enlightenment, to back to jumpy, to re-synchronization, to actually being able to sleep properly.
You can not imagine how incredibly good I felt about having taken 300ug immediately instead of building a tolerance on small dosages.
But I also do not want to take any other drugs anymore. Also those I took before like weed.
I got all the answers to questions I never asked.
I got closure to something I never knew I needed closure to
I saw everything I was allowed to see.
I felt things I did not even knew I could feel.
The next trip will most definitely not be as good as this one and I am actually a bit afraid that I might get punished for my greed.
Therefore I now decided that I am done with drugs.
I also was now able to see the truth about any drug.
Which was surprisingly simple: Every drug is just how much your soul can disconnect from your body. That is all the magic.
Even things that people do not necessarily consider as "drugs" like music and sugar are causing you to very slightly disconnect your soul from your body as your brain is occupied with handling the sensation.
This also explains the slang name "Acid". This drug is the guide that will completely dissolve the brain-soul connection allowing you to completely rip your soul out if you let it.
There was just one annoying stage left now:
Because this drug obviously overloads your brain with everything possible it was now time to get the "punishment" for that.
I had nothing left. Not a bit of serotonin. I was full of despair and permanently crying a few minutes after waking up.
This was actually the moment I was about to assemble the rope in my room for PSH as I was completely unable to handle this absolutely overwhelming despair that goes even deeper than the despair I felt before. I did not even know that one can get to an even lower point than what I already was at before the trip.
It was just a very very incredible twist of fate that in that exact moment Katarina suddenly wrote a message in our friend group that she needs help with her and Matt's washing machine and asked if anyone wanted to come.
I was still so very much embarassed and ashamed to text her after all the things I wrote here which I most certainly wrote in a moment of psychosis and not because I actually felt that way.
Fuck you SaSu for not allowing editing/deletion of posts, btw. Horrible UX especially on a site like this where a lot of people's feelings change in seconds and things one wrote might no longer reflect the feelings they had just a second ago. Allowing editions up to an hour or so just does not cut it at all.
But I still reached out.
I asked if I am allowed to come and help which she agreed to. She actually seemed quite happy that I messaged her which somehow made me feel enough again that I managed to pick myself up and drive over.
I was still a bit on acid but knew that I was stable enough to drive now.
I had nothing left. Not a bit of serotonin. I was full of despair and permanently crying a few minutes after waking up.
This was actually the moment I was about to assemble the rope in my room for PSH as I was completely unable to handle this absolutely overwhelming despair that goes even deeper than the despair I felt before. I did not even know that one can get to an even lower point than what I already was at before the trip.
It was just a very very incredible twist of fate that in that exact moment Katarina suddenly wrote a message in our friend group that she needs help with her and Matt's washing machine and asked if anyone wanted to come.
I was still so very much embarassed and ashamed to text her after all the things I wrote here which I most certainly wrote in a moment of psychosis and not because I actually felt that way.
Fuck you SaSu for not allowing editing/deletion of posts, btw. Horrible UX especially on a site like this where a lot of people's feelings change in seconds and things one wrote might no longer reflect the feelings they had just a second ago. Allowing editions up to an hour or so just does not cut it at all.
But I still reached out.
I asked if I am allowed to come and help which she agreed to. She actually seemed quite happy that I messaged her which somehow made me feel enough again that I managed to pick myself up and drive over.
I was still a bit on acid but knew that I was stable enough to drive now.
Now after the trip I finally arrived at their place.
Helped them carry in the washing machine and then went upstairs.
This was the first meeting since the... police incident. I did not even realize how much damage I did to the people around me.
We talked a bit and it became abundantly clear that they did not just "disappear" but were actually going into a full on depression themselves.
It took me only a few days after the police incident to realize that what they felt must have been horrible.
Seeing someone who usually smiles a lot, someone who usually laughs a lot suddenly on this forum this close to death.
I already long accepted that what they did was an absolute panic reaction than anything malicious at all.
The embarrassment I felt is indescribable.
They were written off sicks for weeks and cried a lot themselves. Lost friends because of the entire situation and felt so incredibly lonely.
But they were completely unable to deal with this situation and had to clarify borders for themselves. Which I fully respect. One that never felt like this can not help someone in such a situation. It would have just destroyed them even further.
They were also afraid to reach out to me as they thought I would block them immediately when they wrote me. And I was too embarassed to write them so it was kind of a deadlock situation.
If you two read this, I apologize for everything I did. For everything I wrote in my deep psychosis. For every sad feeling I did to you guys.
I am currently not even able to know who I am myself.
More on that later as well.
Told them afterwards about my LSD trip as well and in great detail.
It was good to see and feel both of them again. I was very pissed at myself for what I did to them in my acts of psychosis and confusion.
Because I still had some acid left in me I felt the need to move and dance to which Katarina and I decided to go to the "Zeckenschanze".
She herself wanted to dance and move as well as she was already a bit tipsy again. She has always been a cute little alcoholic~
I found that pretty adorable about her I won't lie. But worrysome at times ;)
We went over there and danced our hearts out. We also talked some more.
While she got hammered I used the rest of the acid to just let the "feels" hit me.
I also decided to give her all the rest of the drugs I still have as she knows people that are responsible with them. She gladly takes them off my hand and with that the drug thing is over as well.
Some things got even more clarified that night. She not only felt sadness, but also justified anger about the entire situation. I explained everything as truthfully as I could to her.
We had an amazing rest of the night and I slept over there as I did not want to risk being alone in that state and neither did they.
Having both of them in my arms, having both of them around me definitely helped a lot with fixing my serotonin levels.
The next day we ate breakfast, went to an assembly and then went separate ways to meet again on wednesday.
Helped them carry in the washing machine and then went upstairs.
This was the first meeting since the... police incident. I did not even realize how much damage I did to the people around me.
We talked a bit and it became abundantly clear that they did not just "disappear" but were actually going into a full on depression themselves.
It took me only a few days after the police incident to realize that what they felt must have been horrible.
Seeing someone who usually smiles a lot, someone who usually laughs a lot suddenly on this forum this close to death.
I already long accepted that what they did was an absolute panic reaction than anything malicious at all.
The embarrassment I felt is indescribable.
They were written off sicks for weeks and cried a lot themselves. Lost friends because of the entire situation and felt so incredibly lonely.
But they were completely unable to deal with this situation and had to clarify borders for themselves. Which I fully respect. One that never felt like this can not help someone in such a situation. It would have just destroyed them even further.
They were also afraid to reach out to me as they thought I would block them immediately when they wrote me. And I was too embarassed to write them so it was kind of a deadlock situation.
If you two read this, I apologize for everything I did. For everything I wrote in my deep psychosis. For every sad feeling I did to you guys.
I am currently not even able to know who I am myself.
More on that later as well.
Told them afterwards about my LSD trip as well and in great detail.
It was good to see and feel both of them again. I was very pissed at myself for what I did to them in my acts of psychosis and confusion.
Because I still had some acid left in me I felt the need to move and dance to which Katarina and I decided to go to the "Zeckenschanze".
She herself wanted to dance and move as well as she was already a bit tipsy again. She has always been a cute little alcoholic~
I found that pretty adorable about her I won't lie. But worrysome at times ;)
We went over there and danced our hearts out. We also talked some more.
While she got hammered I used the rest of the acid to just let the "feels" hit me.
I also decided to give her all the rest of the drugs I still have as she knows people that are responsible with them. She gladly takes them off my hand and with that the drug thing is over as well.
Some things got even more clarified that night. She not only felt sadness, but also justified anger about the entire situation. I explained everything as truthfully as I could to her.
We had an amazing rest of the night and I slept over there as I did not want to risk being alone in that state and neither did they.
Having both of them in my arms, having both of them around me definitely helped a lot with fixing my serotonin levels.
The next day we ate breakfast, went to an assembly and then went separate ways to meet again on wednesday.
Already at the very next day things became very interesting.
There currently is a very intense fight in my head to this day.
I can feel my synaptic connections disconnecting, rewiring and reconnecting. I got my survival instinct back to some degree.
It is currently fading in and out and I am not really sure what the outcome of this will be.
So yes, I might actually get a... let's call it "happy" ending and go into the psychward for a long time with the full on intention of getting stable for once in my life.
The LSD is rewiring my brain as I am writing this in ways I can not even hope to express.
I feel every feeling in 10 second iterations. Like a slot machine where I feel whatever emotion appears.
I feel happy
Then I feel sad
Then I feel mad
Then I feel euphoric
Then I feel despair
Then I feel hope
Then I start to dance
Then I start to cry
Then I start to laugh
Then I start to go absolutely haywire
This all just rotates around without any way of controlling it.
It is so overloading for me right now.
External stimuli helps to solidify a feeling for a short duration. The second it stops it continues rolling the machine again, though.
I never ever felt this way. Never. Not even back in 2020.
It is... not necessarily frightening but most definitely interesting.
So yeah :D
Soon you will probably see me in the recovery section of this forum starting a new diary there about getting better.
"My Diary until I become stable again"
There currently is a very intense fight in my head to this day.
I can feel my synaptic connections disconnecting, rewiring and reconnecting. I got my survival instinct back to some degree.
It is currently fading in and out and I am not really sure what the outcome of this will be.
So yes, I might actually get a... let's call it "happy" ending and go into the psychward for a long time with the full on intention of getting stable for once in my life.
The LSD is rewiring my brain as I am writing this in ways I can not even hope to express.
I feel every feeling in 10 second iterations. Like a slot machine where I feel whatever emotion appears.
I feel happy
Then I feel sad
Then I feel mad
Then I feel euphoric
Then I feel despair
Then I feel hope
Then I start to dance
Then I start to cry
Then I start to laugh
Then I start to go absolutely haywire
This all just rotates around without any way of controlling it.
It is so overloading for me right now.
External stimuli helps to solidify a feeling for a short duration. The second it stops it continues rolling the machine again, though.
I never ever felt this way. Never. Not even back in 2020.
It is... not necessarily frightening but most definitely interesting.
So yeah :D
Soon you will probably see me in the recovery section of this forum starting a new diary there about getting better.
"My Diary until I become stable again"
Hidden content
It is all so very... interesting, right now.
So I apologize if I may wrote something double or left parts out. Feel free to call me out on that and I will further elaborate then ^^
With this I will now truly and fully conclude the diary ^~^
Soon new things will happen and I will see what the psychward will do with me.
I go in there with an open mind and hope for a better future.
But also with the deepest hopelessness one can possibly feel.
I see you all, hopefully, again soon in the Recovery forum
.
