truehappiness
Member
- Mar 3, 2026
- 5
Hey Hey ^^
let me be upfront and say that English is not my native tongue. Therefore please expect some grammar and semantical issues.
Let me preface this little "diary" by saying that my intentions are to, as probably expected, ultimately CTB.
I might get a bit emotionally charged while writing this entry as some topics really hit a nerve especially when it comes to topics that address my own irrationality as they bother me a lot.
Why I wrote this? Good question actually! Probably as a form of "copium". Forcing myself to relive all that led me to this point. Understand myself better and maybe find people who sympathize and suffer from similar issues. This could very well be a nice kick-off point for some nice conversations. And ultimately I will CTB, so I should be rational enough in mind to be able to recite all that is wrong with me without feeling terrible along the way.
Alright let's just kick it off from the very beginning to understand how I got to where I am now. Yes, this will be a lot of reading :> Bear with me
This is basically my entire life story, structured into every life chapter I lived through.
Trigger warning
Story contains instances of:
- Sexual Assault
- Obviously suicidal attempts and my tendencies
- Trauma with Parents
- Masochism. Those sections are marked so feel free to skip those.
- Sexual experiences and how it impacted my state of mind
- Strong language at times
If any of that could be bad for you please do not read and just read the bottom text ^^
Well phew!
That was a lot to write.
Man, am I glad I did this. Writing my live story down helped a lot with coping with my current situtation.
Reliving a lot of aspects in my life, thinking about what happened in that specific segment as objectively as I can. Thank you for reading all of this, if you read it ;)
You all now know more about me than any of my friends! :D Congratulations! It is so easy to be open with people you know, you will probably never meet in your life.
You know my entire life story up to this very moment right here. A story filled with some good and a lot of sad moments.
And especially the red thread of that one specific feeling that slithered through every chapter of my life since I was 13.
As much as, for example, Homosexuals or Transsexuals are born with their "condition", I was born with this.
It awakened later in life and it is nothing one can cure as it is not a sickness. Some people are meant to exit and not to have been born at all.
I am one of them.
I will now try to collect my thoughts and follow up this diary entry with another one where I outline how I would like to CTB ^^
I hope I will be able to find true happiness very soon.
Cheers! And have a wonderful night everyone!
let me be upfront and say that English is not my native tongue. Therefore please expect some grammar and semantical issues.
Let me preface this little "diary" by saying that my intentions are to, as probably expected, ultimately CTB.
I might get a bit emotionally charged while writing this entry as some topics really hit a nerve especially when it comes to topics that address my own irrationality as they bother me a lot.
Why I wrote this? Good question actually! Probably as a form of "copium". Forcing myself to relive all that led me to this point. Understand myself better and maybe find people who sympathize and suffer from similar issues. This could very well be a nice kick-off point for some nice conversations. And ultimately I will CTB, so I should be rational enough in mind to be able to recite all that is wrong with me without feeling terrible along the way.
Alright let's just kick it off from the very beginning to understand how I got to where I am now. Yes, this will be a lot of reading :> Bear with me
This is basically my entire life story, structured into every life chapter I lived through.
Trigger warning
Story contains instances of:
- Sexual Assault
- Obviously suicidal attempts and my tendencies
- Trauma with Parents
- Masochism. Those sections are marked so feel free to skip those.
- Sexual experiences and how it impacted my state of mind
- Strong language at times
If any of that could be bad for you please do not read and just read the bottom text ^^
Born 2000, my childhood is what the usual person would describe as an absolute catastrophe.
I was born to a mother that had 4 children to 4 different dads. She cheated on each men as she went on to the next. I am her first child.
My dad has found out about her cheating and beat her up with a vacuum cleaner. He was abusive as a person in general and with that action he landed himself on a list of felons and was not allowed to, luckily, take custody of me ^^
That left me living with my mother and her new lover. I will later find out that her lover was a racist that beat me bloody and senseless from time to time as my dad was a Turkish man and therefore I was mixed Italian through my mothers side and Turkish. I have absolutely no memories about this situation at all and I only heard this through my foster mom, when I turned 18, who in turn heard it from child protective services.
Probably because of that I have been passed around in the family. First I lived with my grandparents where I only have very very vague memories of.
I also very vaguely remember being put in a foster family where a cat has scratched my entire arm open, which led to a huge cat-phobia for a long duration in my life.
But ultimately I landed in an orphanage as I was a very difficult child. I have ADHD which was very prevalent in me as a child.
I was born to a mother that had 4 children to 4 different dads. She cheated on each men as she went on to the next. I am her first child.
My dad has found out about her cheating and beat her up with a vacuum cleaner. He was abusive as a person in general and with that action he landed himself on a list of felons and was not allowed to, luckily, take custody of me ^^
That left me living with my mother and her new lover. I will later find out that her lover was a racist that beat me bloody and senseless from time to time as my dad was a Turkish man and therefore I was mixed Italian through my mothers side and Turkish. I have absolutely no memories about this situation at all and I only heard this through my foster mom, when I turned 18, who in turn heard it from child protective services.
Probably because of that I have been passed around in the family. First I lived with my grandparents where I only have very very vague memories of.
I also very vaguely remember being put in a foster family where a cat has scratched my entire arm open, which led to a huge cat-phobia for a long duration in my life.
But ultimately I landed in an orphanage as I was a very difficult child. I have ADHD which was very prevalent in me as a child.
Well here we are. 2004-2005
I landed in the most terrible spot a human could land in Germany: An orphanage.
Any abortion is more preferable than the horrors you will experience there, I would have probably preferred to live with my abusive Parents then to live through what I had to live through there.
I was incarcerated for 2-3 years. The "caretakers" beat and slap you if you do not dance after their tone.
You don't follow their orders = Beatings
You are more loud and annoying as they would like it to be? = Doesn't matter if you are just a kid: Beatings
They have a bad day? = Beatings
Food? Scarce. Barely enough. That is where my habit of eating insanely fast erupted. It was a first come, first served type of things with most food there.
I have pictures of my time there and you can see every single rib clearly. I was severely malnourished.
In Germany you usually do not have any chance of getting adopted when you turn 7. And most kids aged 12-13 realize that they are stuck in this hell.
Which in turn leads them to let out their pent up anger on the other kids at the orphanage.
There has been sexual assault on me by those kids, I will not go into specifics here as I do not want to relive that too much, just know it never ended into rape, luckily.
I landed in the most terrible spot a human could land in Germany: An orphanage.
Any abortion is more preferable than the horrors you will experience there, I would have probably preferred to live with my abusive Parents then to live through what I had to live through there.
I was incarcerated for 2-3 years. The "caretakers" beat and slap you if you do not dance after their tone.
You don't follow their orders = Beatings
You are more loud and annoying as they would like it to be? = Doesn't matter if you are just a kid: Beatings
They have a bad day? = Beatings
Food? Scarce. Barely enough. That is where my habit of eating insanely fast erupted. It was a first come, first served type of things with most food there.
I have pictures of my time there and you can see every single rib clearly. I was severely malnourished.
In Germany you usually do not have any chance of getting adopted when you turn 7. And most kids aged 12-13 realize that they are stuck in this hell.
Which in turn leads them to let out their pent up anger on the other kids at the orphanage.
There has been sexual assault on me by those kids, I will not go into specifics here as I do not want to relive that too much, just know it never ended into rape, luckily.
But well. Would you look at that! I got lucky!
Even though I just turned 7 a family had interest in me!
How the process works is pretty straightforward. Practically the same as in a Prison. They are walked through a pre-determined path which they are not allowed to stray from.
They sit in a room and the caretakers will bring me into a room next door. Between the rooms there is a glass wall that is only see-through from one side. I assume this is done so Kids dont get their hopes up too much.
Well they saw me and they liked me!
So I was given to them and I was finally out.
I lived there for about 2-3 weeks from which I then got a call from the orphanage if I liked it there and would like to stay.
I obviously immediately said yes to that question as any other situation but what I have been in is more preferable at that point.
Even though I just turned 7 a family had interest in me!
How the process works is pretty straightforward. Practically the same as in a Prison. They are walked through a pre-determined path which they are not allowed to stray from.
They sit in a room and the caretakers will bring me into a room next door. Between the rooms there is a glass wall that is only see-through from one side. I assume this is done so Kids dont get their hopes up too much.
Well they saw me and they liked me!
So I was given to them and I was finally out.
I lived there for about 2-3 weeks from which I then got a call from the orphanage if I liked it there and would like to stay.
I obviously immediately said yes to that question as any other situation but what I have been in is more preferable at that point.
I have almost no recollection of elementary school. As far as I can remember it was fairly uneventful and I have just "passed my time" there.
I remember some small segments where I was at a friends house playing Super Smash Bros Brawl when it came out xD
But that was really all. Nothing traumatic here at all.
During the orphanage time I also was in an elementary school for a bit there. I also have no recollection at all here.
I have not been that good of a student and my grades were really not all that good. Back in those days they had highly controversial gradings like "social integrity", which have been abolished a year or two after I exit elementary school. But just in typical fashion of my luck this was the grade that blew my entry into the "Realschule".
In Germany we have a school system of different quality schools Sonderschule -> Hauptschule -> Realschule -> Gymnasium where Sonderschule is meant for students with specific learning impairments or serious issues adapting to school life. Hauptschule is basically just for the "stupid" kids and Realschule for the average ones. Gymnasium has been reserved for those that are deemed "high in intelligence". Currently that system is in the process of being abolished but I am getting a bit side tracked here. So let's get back to topic.
I have been deemed plain stupid because of that one single grade that was the tipping point to where I will go and sent to the Hauptschule.
I remember some small segments where I was at a friends house playing Super Smash Bros Brawl when it came out xD
But that was really all. Nothing traumatic here at all.
During the orphanage time I also was in an elementary school for a bit there. I also have no recollection at all here.
I have not been that good of a student and my grades were really not all that good. Back in those days they had highly controversial gradings like "social integrity", which have been abolished a year or two after I exit elementary school. But just in typical fashion of my luck this was the grade that blew my entry into the "Realschule".
In Germany we have a school system of different quality schools Sonderschule -> Hauptschule -> Realschule -> Gymnasium where Sonderschule is meant for students with specific learning impairments or serious issues adapting to school life. Hauptschule is basically just for the "stupid" kids and Realschule for the average ones. Gymnasium has been reserved for those that are deemed "high in intelligence". Currently that system is in the process of being abolished but I am getting a bit side tracked here. So let's get back to topic.
I have been deemed plain stupid because of that one single grade that was the tipping point to where I will go and sent to the Hauptschule.
This has probably been one of the worst episodes in my life.
The first 1-2 years were rather eventless again. But then it just slammed:
My ADHD has been running rampant. I have been finally diagnosed with ADHD in 2013 and given Ritalin as it took very serious issues with it and I was completely unable to control it at all.
A few months later a scan showed that my Liver has been eaten up to the point only 30% was left which was ridiculously close to the amount where the liver is unable to regenerate.
If any of you read this: Do not take Ritalin. It is practically meth watered down. It will destroy you and not many are truly compatible with that drug.
Well, long story short, I have been removed from the meds without any replacement. So I was left trying to cope with my hyperactivity and insane inability to focus on anything.
It's needless to say that I did not make many friends because of that and I have quickly become the loud and annoying kid in class. Bullied and left out of most interactions. In retroperspective I just think "fair enough" as I was really unbearable. It was still not helpful for my sanity as a kid.
Between the 13 and 14 birth year was also where some things started to work up in my brain.
Because of all the bullying and quasi-isolation I also started to just completely neglect my personal hygiene and did not give much about the clothing I wore. That being the cheapest stuff we could find at a store. I just did not give a damn at all. My hair was also as much of a mess as my life was at this point.
All of this also reflected insanely badly on my grades with and I always barely passed to the next stage. Imagine being sent to the "stupid school" and even there you are not all too good.
This also had a fantastic side effect at home:
Well in the end it came as it had to came. I did not manage to pass the 2016 class. Yup. I had to repeat that class. In the idiot-school. Great, huh?
But unexpectedly. This is where my life took a turn for the better!
The first 1-2 years were rather eventless again. But then it just slammed:
My ADHD has been running rampant. I have been finally diagnosed with ADHD in 2013 and given Ritalin as it took very serious issues with it and I was completely unable to control it at all.
A few months later a scan showed that my Liver has been eaten up to the point only 30% was left which was ridiculously close to the amount where the liver is unable to regenerate.
If any of you read this: Do not take Ritalin. It is practically meth watered down. It will destroy you and not many are truly compatible with that drug.
Well, long story short, I have been removed from the meds without any replacement. So I was left trying to cope with my hyperactivity and insane inability to focus on anything.
It's needless to say that I did not make many friends because of that and I have quickly become the loud and annoying kid in class. Bullied and left out of most interactions. In retroperspective I just think "fair enough" as I was really unbearable. It was still not helpful for my sanity as a kid.
Between the 13 and 14 birth year was also where some things started to work up in my brain.
It was the beginning of the never stopping base sadness I had in my life. A sadness I can hardly describe. It is a feeling that does not disappear.
It is practically an immutable final constant in my brain that can not be overwritten by any means. It can be taken out of effect during some specific events, but it will come back pretty much instantly after the "event" stops. This is one of the most important reasons why I want to CTB. And I will elaborate more on this later.
It is practically an immutable final constant in my brain that can not be overwritten by any means. It can be taken out of effect during some specific events, but it will come back pretty much instantly after the "event" stops. This is one of the most important reasons why I want to CTB. And I will elaborate more on this later.
It was also the start of my Antinatalistic world view. When I turned 13 a Teacher has been sent to mothers leave as she was pregnant and due very soon. While everyone in class was applauding her I only thought to myself how that is anything good.
Forcing an innocent soul into this hell forsaken place just to experience less than a decade of possibilities.
Those being, being raped, assaulted, beaten, tortured, imprisoned, hated and maybe having a few good moments.
For those who don't know what Antinatilism is: It is basically an ideology which gives a negative connotation to birth. Accepting that you never have and never will get consent to giving birth to someone. Accepting that you play lottery with the life of innocent children.
As I truly love my children, I will never ever give birth to them.
Forcing an innocent soul into this hell forsaken place just to experience less than a decade of possibilities.
Those being, being raped, assaulted, beaten, tortured, imprisoned, hated and maybe having a few good moments.
For those who don't know what Antinatilism is: It is basically an ideology which gives a negative connotation to birth. Accepting that you never have and never will get consent to giving birth to someone. Accepting that you play lottery with the life of innocent children.
As I truly love my children, I will never ever give birth to them.
This was the moment where boys my age slowly start to... work in the lower area.
And pretty much instantly when I was able to think about sexual thoughts I realized something: I probably like pain and being dominated.
Now at that point I was completely in panic. "How could I ever like that?" "Why does this happen to me?" "Why am I so irrational. I have not even experienced this, yet!"
I went through all stages of grief. Tried everything to deny what I am because I felt like "less of a men". Especially in the Hauptschule toxic masculinity was ever present.
And I could never ever be caught being... that.
It has been one of the biggest sources of distress during my childhood as I was scared that this could leak in any way. Truly stupid thought, as how should anyone know? But well.. Be a boy like me in a situation like that. Liking Pain and being dominated? Ridiculous! I have to be a man after all. And man are known to always be dominating!!!! /s
Later on I will get a way more positive outlook and philosophy on this topic. I will reiterate on that later in my story as this is also pretty important for the overall image of how I got here.
And pretty much instantly when I was able to think about sexual thoughts I realized something: I probably like pain and being dominated.
Now at that point I was completely in panic. "How could I ever like that?" "Why does this happen to me?" "Why am I so irrational. I have not even experienced this, yet!"
I went through all stages of grief. Tried everything to deny what I am because I felt like "less of a men". Especially in the Hauptschule toxic masculinity was ever present.
And I could never ever be caught being... that.
It has been one of the biggest sources of distress during my childhood as I was scared that this could leak in any way. Truly stupid thought, as how should anyone know? But well.. Be a boy like me in a situation like that. Liking Pain and being dominated? Ridiculous! I have to be a man after all. And man are known to always be dominating!!!! /s
Later on I will get a way more positive outlook and philosophy on this topic. I will reiterate on that later in my story as this is also pretty important for the overall image of how I got here.
Yup. I have an insanely fragile ego. I search validation in whatever source I can find. Just hearing any good words about me, my appearance, my character or anything I did/have has an insane impact on me as a person. Vice versa negative Input also has insane impact on me. Way more than it should have.
This has never really healed I have to admit. I just came to realize it way later down the line that I probably suffer from that.
To this day it has a huge impact on me when people compliment or criticize me. More than I would like to admit.
This has never really healed I have to admit. I just came to realize it way later down the line that I probably suffer from that.
To this day it has a huge impact on me when people compliment or criticize me. More than I would like to admit.
Especially in my early teenage years I was very afraid of other people. I did not know how to converse with them or even be around them.
Whenever I even thought about conversing with someone I imagined up multiple hundred scenarios how I will blow it.
I was therefore also obviously incapable of conversing with woman. This was an even worse case for me. I was so insanely scared to get rejected and my maso/sub side did not help at all here. As if anyone would want someone who has those tendencies, right?
Whenever I even thought about conversing with someone I imagined up multiple hundred scenarios how I will blow it.
I was therefore also obviously incapable of conversing with woman. This was an even worse case for me. I was so insanely scared to get rejected and my maso/sub side did not help at all here. As if anyone would want someone who has those tendencies, right?
Because of all the bullying and quasi-isolation I also started to just completely neglect my personal hygiene and did not give much about the clothing I wore. That being the cheapest stuff we could find at a store. I just did not give a damn at all. My hair was also as much of a mess as my life was at this point.
All of this also reflected insanely badly on my grades with and I always barely passed to the next stage. Imagine being sent to the "stupid school" and even there you are not all too good.
This also had a fantastic side effect at home:
My foster parents are insanely German. To the core. Very strict and rule bound. Believing in the myth that we live in a meritocracy.
They don't believe in mental health issues and will go crazy on you when you are sick, no matter what sickness, and can't go to school because of that.
Even when I had my arm broken once (which I will elaborate more on later on) their only concern was that I could not go to work and not how I felt or anything.
While that being said. They are not all bad. They have been politically educated to some degree. They never gave the fault of Germany's shortcomings to migrants or other minorities. Never voted for right wing parties like CDU and AfD and also never ever have been physical to me or my foster brother (which they also adopted around this time).
They still had an insane impact on me mentally. They are the type of people that when you critice them go completely bonkers and cry how nobody loves them and start mocking you that they are "oh such bad parents and you have it so bad". Yeah. I guess I spoke to some people's soul here, huh? :')
But yeah. Back to topic: They gave me an insane time. Whenever I came home with bad grades nothing but punishment awaited. Being screamed at, taking the little joys I had in life away like my Gameboy or straight up grounding me so I couldn't even visit the one friend I had in primary school.
They are not bad parents, per se, but they are still broken people. My father is sadly the definition of patriarchy. Expecting complete submissiveness from my mother. When he asks for a beer he doesn't even say please or thanks, it is just straight up normal for him that woman do this. He jokes about sexist memes that his work colleagues send him and he insults my mother fairly often. He himself is not necessarily a bad person, he just had a very bad patriarchal upbringing which fucks with his brain to this day. This led to him terrorizing my mother who in turn let out their anger on us.
It was quite the terrible mashup and I tried recommending them couple therapy once which made them both blow up entirely. They think they live the most normal relationship ever just because they have been together for 40 years now. But is it truly normal that your mom starts to cry when she broke something and asks herself how she should explain this to your father? Is that normal?
They don't believe in mental health issues and will go crazy on you when you are sick, no matter what sickness, and can't go to school because of that.
Even when I had my arm broken once (which I will elaborate more on later on) their only concern was that I could not go to work and not how I felt or anything.
While that being said. They are not all bad. They have been politically educated to some degree. They never gave the fault of Germany's shortcomings to migrants or other minorities. Never voted for right wing parties like CDU and AfD and also never ever have been physical to me or my foster brother (which they also adopted around this time).
They still had an insane impact on me mentally. They are the type of people that when you critice them go completely bonkers and cry how nobody loves them and start mocking you that they are "oh such bad parents and you have it so bad". Yeah. I guess I spoke to some people's soul here, huh? :')
But yeah. Back to topic: They gave me an insane time. Whenever I came home with bad grades nothing but punishment awaited. Being screamed at, taking the little joys I had in life away like my Gameboy or straight up grounding me so I couldn't even visit the one friend I had in primary school.
They are not bad parents, per se, but they are still broken people. My father is sadly the definition of patriarchy. Expecting complete submissiveness from my mother. When he asks for a beer he doesn't even say please or thanks, it is just straight up normal for him that woman do this. He jokes about sexist memes that his work colleagues send him and he insults my mother fairly often. He himself is not necessarily a bad person, he just had a very bad patriarchal upbringing which fucks with his brain to this day. This led to him terrorizing my mother who in turn let out their anger on us.
It was quite the terrible mashup and I tried recommending them couple therapy once which made them both blow up entirely. They think they live the most normal relationship ever just because they have been together for 40 years now. But is it truly normal that your mom starts to cry when she broke something and asks herself how she should explain this to your father? Is that normal?
Well in the end it came as it had to came. I did not manage to pass the 2016 class. Yup. I had to repeat that class. In the idiot-school. Great, huh?
But unexpectedly. This is where my life took a turn for the better!
Yup. I failed and had to repeat a class.
I was thrown into a new class.
But surprisingly this is where everything got better! I finally got decent class mates!
It was also around the start of 2016 where I realized that I had to look at least a bit after my hygiene and clothing choice. While, arguably, it has still been terrible at least I did something with myself so it was not all too weird anymore.
The first person I conversed with was Maria (Name changed for obvious reasons). Maria and I talked about:
After conversing a bit she introduced me to her friend group and it all went pretty uphill from here.
We played Durak in a large round with almost the entire class, went partying together, cuddled together.
Had some rather fun and at times intimate times with some of the girls in the group.
Now 2017 came along and I passed the 9th class so well that I was able to enter 10B. Which was the Hauptschule equivalent of getting a Realschule Degree that allowed me to go to Germany's Abitur.
I managed to pass the 10B with a pretty good NC at 2.7 And entered the Abitur with that.
But even now. Where I reached pretty much what I wanted to reach I still felt that urgent desire to not wake up every single morning I woke up.
This sadness never stopped. I just so desperately wanted to not exist without any reason whatsoever.
I was thrown into a new class.
But surprisingly this is where everything got better! I finally got decent class mates!
It was also around the start of 2016 where I realized that I had to look at least a bit after my hygiene and clothing choice. While, arguably, it has still been terrible at least I did something with myself so it was not all too weird anymore.
The first person I conversed with was Maria (Name changed for obvious reasons). Maria and I talked about:
Anime and Manga has been a very big part in my life and a fantastic way for me to cope with my life to some degree. I have read hundreds over hundreds of Manga and watched at least a hundred Anime. It has been a great talking point with a lot of people as well.
We played Durak in a large round with almost the entire class, went partying together, cuddled together.
Had some rather fun and at times intimate times with some of the girls in the group.
In the Summer of 2016 my family and I went to our yearly trip to croatia.
Nothing all too interesting to say there but the interesting part was that I started to talk with a girl I met a party not too long ago.
We cuddled together at the party and watched Corpse Party on my old Medion tablet. I don't know why but I just smiled while writing this :D Seems to be a fond memory of mine.
Back to topic: We texted a bit together and then quickly came to the realization that we like each other. We started dating.
This was also where I had my first kiss! :D
Sadly that relationship did not hold longer than a month.
I was too much of a shut-in and did not really go out much with her. So yeah the blame is only with me here really. I think it was also because this was both our first relationship and we didn't knew how to even behave.
One thing that did become clear to me. I was still so unbearably sad. While we texted, met and when we ended the relationship. For now I just chose to ignore that feeling and deny that I even felt that way.
Nothing all too interesting to say there but the interesting part was that I started to talk with a girl I met a party not too long ago.
We cuddled together at the party and watched Corpse Party on my old Medion tablet. I don't know why but I just smiled while writing this :D Seems to be a fond memory of mine.
Back to topic: We texted a bit together and then quickly came to the realization that we like each other. We started dating.
This was also where I had my first kiss! :D
Sadly that relationship did not hold longer than a month.
I was too much of a shut-in and did not really go out much with her. So yeah the blame is only with me here really. I think it was also because this was both our first relationship and we didn't knew how to even behave.
One thing that did become clear to me. I was still so unbearably sad. While we texted, met and when we ended the relationship. For now I just chose to ignore that feeling and deny that I even felt that way.
Literally a month later I met another girl. I will call her Chloe for this story.
We met in that friend group of Maria and started to talk quite a lot. We came together fairly fast from that point on.
We spent some time together, I have been over at her place practically every day as she only lived 5 minutes by foot from my place.
We watched Anime went to parties with the friend group. And we both also decided to not have a fully monogamous relationship but rather an open one.
The only rule we set each other was to not have intercourse with others. The rest is completely fine.
During that entire time the ever present sadness did not go away for a single second. I had incredible days but the second I came home I just wished to sleep and not wake up.
Had my first time at the 24th of December. Christmas, eh?
It was all pretty damn horrible tbh. I came way too fast and kind of blew it. I also did not think to just... help her as well and just left her like that.
Yeah that kind of broke a bit of my ego there I won't lie. Also no protection nothing. I spent the christmas worrying about everything that could have gone wrong.
Did we learn from this? Hell nah. It kept going like that practically for the rest of the time-
My asshole self wanted her to take the pill so it could be safe, because condoms never allowed me to become hard for whatever reason. I did not give two shits about how she felt about that. Oh well... I am still pretty annoyed at my past self and I am so glad I managed to change so drastically as I did. More on that later
Well in the end. 8 Months in she cheated on me with another guy who was at the time a really really good friend of mine.
She told me about it and all I said was: "welp. I guess it is over then". I went home and played Minecraft for the rest of the night.
Not a single tear, not a single feel, nothing.
Except the ever present base sadness I felt nothing additionally. That sadness that always made me wake up with the wish to not have to wake up anymore.
We also had some sexual incompatibilities as we both were more the submissive type. This did clash as I am completely unable to hurt anyone in any way. To this day I have not punched anyone, never gotten into fights always stayed out of any type of physical trouble. I just can't do it mentally.
But I noticed something else towards the end of the relationship. A new annoying feeling that will become much much much more of a hindrance later on in my life.
A feeling of being annoyed, feeling spent and despairing towards the end of the relationship.
It was not too strong of a feeling just yet.
I call this "Asshole-syndrome" and will iterate on that later more.
It was good that we seperated as later on I found out that she actually got pregnant with someone else! She cheated on the guy she cheated with on me. Oh the irony.
But welp. Huge tactical nuke dodged in that case, yup yup.
We met in that friend group of Maria and started to talk quite a lot. We came together fairly fast from that point on.
We spent some time together, I have been over at her place practically every day as she only lived 5 minutes by foot from my place.
We watched Anime went to parties with the friend group. And we both also decided to not have a fully monogamous relationship but rather an open one.
The only rule we set each other was to not have intercourse with others. The rest is completely fine.
During that entire time the ever present sadness did not go away for a single second. I had incredible days but the second I came home I just wished to sleep and not wake up.
Had my first time at the 24th of December. Christmas, eh?
It was all pretty damn horrible tbh. I came way too fast and kind of blew it. I also did not think to just... help her as well and just left her like that.
Yeah that kind of broke a bit of my ego there I won't lie. Also no protection nothing. I spent the christmas worrying about everything that could have gone wrong.
Did we learn from this? Hell nah. It kept going like that practically for the rest of the time-
My asshole self wanted her to take the pill so it could be safe, because condoms never allowed me to become hard for whatever reason. I did not give two shits about how she felt about that. Oh well... I am still pretty annoyed at my past self and I am so glad I managed to change so drastically as I did. More on that later
Well in the end. 8 Months in she cheated on me with another guy who was at the time a really really good friend of mine.
She told me about it and all I said was: "welp. I guess it is over then". I went home and played Minecraft for the rest of the night.
Not a single tear, not a single feel, nothing.
Except the ever present base sadness I felt nothing additionally. That sadness that always made me wake up with the wish to not have to wake up anymore.
We also had some sexual incompatibilities as we both were more the submissive type. This did clash as I am completely unable to hurt anyone in any way. To this day I have not punched anyone, never gotten into fights always stayed out of any type of physical trouble. I just can't do it mentally.
But I noticed something else towards the end of the relationship. A new annoying feeling that will become much much much more of a hindrance later on in my life.
A feeling of being annoyed, feeling spent and despairing towards the end of the relationship.
It was not too strong of a feeling just yet.
I call this "Asshole-syndrome" and will iterate on that later more.
It was good that we seperated as later on I found out that she actually got pregnant with someone else! She cheated on the guy she cheated with on me. Oh the irony.
But welp. Huge tactical nuke dodged in that case, yup yup.
I already pretty much knew what I wanted to do at this point which is entering the Abitur with focus on Computer Science.
I have always been pretty good with Computers, Phones and stuff so this was the next logical step for me.
I am currently able to repair every single part on a phone. Switch out batteries, switch screens, charging ports whatsoever to the point that I built myself a little workshop in my basement just for this. I did this for free for friends and family and just enjoyed doing it.
I wrote my own programs, know several frameworks and libraries and how to work with them and am currently close to being promoted to Senior Developer at my company.
As a hobby I also wrote Minecraft mods which have accumulated over 60K Downloads at this point. Something that feels pretty nice for my ego.
I modded phones, built sophisticated server infrastructure based on NixOS and worked with E-Commerce tools (albeit not as a hobby).
So yes. Those skills will also come in handy on how I planned my exit via automated measures to inform relatives and friends and leave a "cleanup" note behind so my body does not just rot in my apartment as nobody else lives here except me.
I have always been pretty good with Computers, Phones and stuff so this was the next logical step for me.
I am currently able to repair every single part on a phone. Switch out batteries, switch screens, charging ports whatsoever to the point that I built myself a little workshop in my basement just for this. I did this for free for friends and family and just enjoyed doing it.
I wrote my own programs, know several frameworks and libraries and how to work with them and am currently close to being promoted to Senior Developer at my company.
As a hobby I also wrote Minecraft mods which have accumulated over 60K Downloads at this point. Something that feels pretty nice for my ego.
I modded phones, built sophisticated server infrastructure based on NixOS and worked with E-Commerce tools (albeit not as a hobby).
So yes. Those skills will also come in handy on how I planned my exit via automated measures to inform relatives and friends and leave a "cleanup" note behind so my body does not just rot in my apartment as nobody else lives here except me.
But even now. Where I reached pretty much what I wanted to reach I still felt that urgent desire to not wake up every single morning I woke up.
This sadness never stopped. I just so desperately wanted to not exist without any reason whatsoever.
I have now entered the Abitur! Woohoo!
The class itself was consisting of fun people and I also met someone there who will have an immense impact on my life as a whole!
My best friends to this day: Max (Name changed, yet again) and Peter (Also name changed). More on them later
All in all those years were not too eventful. At least not on the school side. Most of it was doing things yourself. You were expected to care for your own things and make up your own mind on some things. Which was a nice touch. It was also now way more focused on the topics that actually interested me in some way or another.
I also made a lot of other friends in that class which I often went to LAN's with and did other things outside of school. Nothing too noteworthy but fun nonetheless.
I did lose contact with the old group that Maria introduced me to but that was all the eventful stuff that happened when it came to school and school friends.
A lot of things happened elsewhere though:
On the school side of things I had quite a lot of fun with Max. We often met up and somewhat started our programming career together.
We both did not write a single line of code up to 2017. So this was our beginning.
He has autism and was able to completely immerse himself in new topics and find his way in them way faster than me. This only damaged my ego a little bit, mostly I felt absolute admiration for him. When he came to me and showed me all the new things he learned every day, I was pretty damn impressed and asked him to show me some of that as well.
He also helped me build my very first PC! :D
That was such a fun evening.
We both started using Xubuntu at the same time and felt pretty good with that system during the time we used it.
Whenever we met up we had the same routing: Work on a new project, eat, walk and talk. It was pure bliss and fun. This, as you might have guessed, still did not affect the base sadness in my brain in any way. I still woke up every day with the wish to not wake up anymore.
About Max himself as a person:
A very loving and caring person. He is unable to help you with social issues, though, as he himself has incredible difficulties resonating with how some feelings feel due to aforementioned autism. But he is still very good and easy to talk to. He is funny, charismatic when he manages to open up to someone, incredibly smart and very determined. Definitely one of the best type of people to be around with. He also had an impact on me in other ways which I will describe in my 2024 recap.
The class itself was consisting of fun people and I also met someone there who will have an immense impact on my life as a whole!
My best friends to this day: Max (Name changed, yet again) and Peter (Also name changed). More on them later
All in all those years were not too eventful. At least not on the school side. Most of it was doing things yourself. You were expected to care for your own things and make up your own mind on some things. Which was a nice touch. It was also now way more focused on the topics that actually interested me in some way or another.
I also made a lot of other friends in that class which I often went to LAN's with and did other things outside of school. Nothing too noteworthy but fun nonetheless.
I did lose contact with the old group that Maria introduced me to but that was all the eventful stuff that happened when it came to school and school friends.
A lot of things happened elsewhere though:
This was easily the most impactful moment in my life.
And to this day I am not sure if I should regret or cherish what I had there.
I will call her Diana.
Before I entered school I went on a holiday with my then best friend Richard (name as always changed).
There we texted with some girls we met on a party not too long ago. A party where my first girlfriend was also present. The girl I was texting with was good friends with my first ex, so I was a little bit reserved at first. That did go away rather quick, though.
We texted for a bit and something became apparent very very quick: She is a dom. I was still scared to be open about what I am so her bringing it up was such a blessing.
She told me about how she viewed Men as dogs and that dominating them would be nice. I can not in words describe the joy I felt at that moment. I was completely shining as I thought to myself that I have finally found the end of my "search" for someone like that. It was so incredibly attractive to me.
She was so insanely assertive, dominant and direct. Everything she did spoke directly to my brain. She was also incredibly attractive. She had everything I wished for appearence wise: Long hair, cute face and no piercings. Those are all the criterias I have to this day to find someone attractive.
She also was conventionally attractive, though. When I look on pictures from back then I still think what luck I had.
When we met for the first time she took the lead, sat down on my lap talked with me and controlled pretty much the entire time where our conversation goes.
On the first two meetings nothing much happened but later we came closer and closer to each others faces and then kissed. I did not do anything but wait for her to be ready to kiss me. I never was the type to initiate anything as I was so scared of rejection or doing something wrong.
When we kissed everything went pretty quick and I took her virginity that same day. Man I fucking blew that yet again.
It was so incredibly embarassing. Even now thinking back to it I get so angry with myself. It all happened way too fast again. The fear of fucking up most definitely made me fuck up...
Welp at least I have been more experienced at this point and helped out in some other way.
We had quite the normal relationship. Completely Monogamous this time as well. We did quite a lot of things together, went to markets, went to have fun and just had a wonderful time for the first year. We even took some work gigs she organized together!
There were some starting difficulties at the very first month but those were resolved pretty easily.
I was genuinely happy! But even now that permanent sadness and wish to not exist did not stop for a single second. I still woke up every morning with the wish to pass away in my bed.
My mind has now also started to become more relaxed when it came to the topic of:
We often switched from her place to mine. Her parents were wonderful people and I was and still am on good terms with them. They were very nice to talk to and we also went with them to markets at times.
I even took her to my school once when she had a free week and stayed at my place because of that. It was kind of a funny day and she impressed my teachers with her knowledge of math. I was always pretty dumb when it came to Math and she was kind of a prodigy in that regard. It somehow did not affect my fragile ego but more so left me impressed and even asking her for help when it came to Math exams.
She was such a wonderful human altogether. She also had a knack for nerds. So from time to time I explained to her some stuff about technical things like how a Computer Works. Fundamentals of programming. Demistifying how networking works and stuff like that. It was so incredibly adorable when she actually wrote notes about what I said. I felt how much my heart warmed up when I just saw her face.
Well after a year that one feeling I had with Chloe towards the end suddenly appeared. It started of fairly weak. At first I just started to slowly lose the joy in our meetings and I just thought this is a normal occurence when people are together for longer. That it all becomes more of a day to day thing. Oh how wrong I was.
That feeling became stronger and stronger. To the point that meeting with Diana made my day miserable without any reason. It all felt so incredibly weary, so insanely annoying and so lonely even though I was in her presence. I just wanted to flee, far far away from her. She had done absolutely nothing wrong in any way, I was just unable to stay near her.
The meet ups we had turned into a gray hopeless misery, the fun we shared turned into a sad afterthought, the wonderful evenings where we cuddled and watched Anime together were only a memory at that point and have been replaced by disgust without reason.
The only thing that stayed the exact same as the beginning? Masochistic pain. It still felt the exact same. It still managed to suppress my desire to pass away entirely.
But in return all the other things now felt even more sad. Why? Just why did that happen? There was absolutely no reason whatsoever in this. Some people will definitely now say something along the line of "There surely must have been a trigger", but no! Literally nothing. It was all so incredibly perfect up to a random point where I just woke up and felt that way.
I am almost 26 now and still can't explain to myself why this happens.
I tried so hard to scramble the broken pieces together for almost one and a half years I tried everyhing to stay together with her but I lost her more and more. She obviously started to complain that I started to neglect her, rightfully so. But did I try to change anything? Nah, hell nah! I gaslighted myself into thinking this is just how I am. That I am "unchangable" and she should just accept it. I have become so annoyingly arrogant and just took her for granted. I was nothing more but a little boy in that stupid head of mine. So instead of learning from it I just... broke up with her. Yes. I broke up with her after half a year into that pain. Right at the time where she was in the midst of her final exams for her Abitur. And then? The "rebound" phase hit me hard and I begged to be together with her again. I managed to win her back and it was good for a small amount of time again. Sadly it has been an on off situtation from here onwards. And after 2 and a half year of relationship it finally came to a complete end at the end of 2019.
And then nothing much happened actually. We kept a type of Friends with benefits relationship afterwards which allowed me to keep me "high" for a duration until she inevitably came together with another man after half a year. The most ironic part? She actually tried to make advances on me during that time to get back together, but I just blocked it all off and was super content with the Friends with Benefits situation. Great, right? Ain't that super reasonable now! I literally had the chance to rollback, but chose not to.
This was when the rebound hit again. Where the "high" was over and I had to come "down". This was my very first touchpoint with:
And to this day I am not sure if I should regret or cherish what I had there.
I will call her Diana.
Before I entered school I went on a holiday with my then best friend Richard (name as always changed).
There we texted with some girls we met on a party not too long ago. A party where my first girlfriend was also present. The girl I was texting with was good friends with my first ex, so I was a little bit reserved at first. That did go away rather quick, though.
We texted for a bit and something became apparent very very quick: She is a dom. I was still scared to be open about what I am so her bringing it up was such a blessing.
She told me about how she viewed Men as dogs and that dominating them would be nice. I can not in words describe the joy I felt at that moment. I was completely shining as I thought to myself that I have finally found the end of my "search" for someone like that. It was so incredibly attractive to me.
She was so insanely assertive, dominant and direct. Everything she did spoke directly to my brain. She was also incredibly attractive. She had everything I wished for appearence wise: Long hair, cute face and no piercings. Those are all the criterias I have to this day to find someone attractive.
She also was conventionally attractive, though. When I look on pictures from back then I still think what luck I had.
When we met for the first time she took the lead, sat down on my lap talked with me and controlled pretty much the entire time where our conversation goes.
On the first two meetings nothing much happened but later we came closer and closer to each others faces and then kissed. I did not do anything but wait for her to be ready to kiss me. I never was the type to initiate anything as I was so scared of rejection or doing something wrong.
When we kissed everything went pretty quick and I took her virginity that same day. Man I fucking blew that yet again.
It was so incredibly embarassing. Even now thinking back to it I get so angry with myself. It all happened way too fast again. The fear of fucking up most definitely made me fuck up...
Welp at least I have been more experienced at this point and helped out in some other way.
We had quite the normal relationship. Completely Monogamous this time as well. We did quite a lot of things together, went to markets, went to have fun and just had a wonderful time for the first year. We even took some work gigs she organized together!
There were some starting difficulties at the very first month but those were resolved pretty easily.
I was genuinely happy! But even now that permanent sadness and wish to not exist did not stop for a single second. I still woke up every morning with the wish to pass away in my bed.
My mind has now also started to become more relaxed when it came to the topic of:
As mentioned. She was a dominant person. And that led me to finally let down my guard. I asked her to try some things on me I thought could feel good. Things I saw in pornography before but never dared to ask anyone.
She did them to me and god damn did something inside me awaken. The feeling of that specific type of pain resonated so very much with my brainwaves and managed to completely stop the sadness. Not only lessen it, but fully stop it for the duration. I felt the purest form of happiness, that I am probably able to feel, in that moment.
We experimented a bit and in the end I was fully able to map out how my masochism works:
- Pain must be body to body. Pain from objects feels like normal pain. Exceptions are handcuffs
- I love being in positions I can not escape from and give up control altogether to my partner. I have a remarkable base strength so that has been difficult. I broke the only pair of handcuffs we had :')
- Submission holds have the highest effects on my brain as they combine both aspects. Biting, slaps, punches, scratching also work but are less effective
Also being "dommed" and "mommy'ed" has a very positive effect on my brain. Being forced to things, getting my hair grabbed, tying her shoes etc and then being praised, caressed, cuddled and just taken care of especially after a pain session leaves a very tight bonding in my head that is difficult to describe.
With that I realized that it was not all hopeless and I felt a false sense of security that there might be hope to get rid of this ever present sadness. I tried other methods, forcing myself to go outside, visit a lot of people, do anything at all that people usually do to get happy. But nothing has been working. I still came home and was rushed over by that feeling.
She did them to me and god damn did something inside me awaken. The feeling of that specific type of pain resonated so very much with my brainwaves and managed to completely stop the sadness. Not only lessen it, but fully stop it for the duration. I felt the purest form of happiness, that I am probably able to feel, in that moment.
We experimented a bit and in the end I was fully able to map out how my masochism works:
- Pain must be body to body. Pain from objects feels like normal pain. Exceptions are handcuffs
- I love being in positions I can not escape from and give up control altogether to my partner. I have a remarkable base strength so that has been difficult. I broke the only pair of handcuffs we had :')
- Submission holds have the highest effects on my brain as they combine both aspects. Biting, slaps, punches, scratching also work but are less effective
Also being "dommed" and "mommy'ed" has a very positive effect on my brain. Being forced to things, getting my hair grabbed, tying her shoes etc and then being praised, caressed, cuddled and just taken care of especially after a pain session leaves a very tight bonding in my head that is difficult to describe.
With that I realized that it was not all hopeless and I felt a false sense of security that there might be hope to get rid of this ever present sadness. I tried other methods, forcing myself to go outside, visit a lot of people, do anything at all that people usually do to get happy. But nothing has been working. I still came home and was rushed over by that feeling.
I even took her to my school once when she had a free week and stayed at my place because of that. It was kind of a funny day and she impressed my teachers with her knowledge of math. I was always pretty dumb when it came to Math and she was kind of a prodigy in that regard. It somehow did not affect my fragile ego but more so left me impressed and even asking her for help when it came to Math exams.
She was such a wonderful human altogether. She also had a knack for nerds. So from time to time I explained to her some stuff about technical things like how a Computer Works. Fundamentals of programming. Demistifying how networking works and stuff like that. It was so incredibly adorable when she actually wrote notes about what I said. I felt how much my heart warmed up when I just saw her face.
Well after a year that one feeling I had with Chloe towards the end suddenly appeared. It started of fairly weak. At first I just started to slowly lose the joy in our meetings and I just thought this is a normal occurence when people are together for longer. That it all becomes more of a day to day thing. Oh how wrong I was.
That feeling became stronger and stronger. To the point that meeting with Diana made my day miserable without any reason. It all felt so incredibly weary, so insanely annoying and so lonely even though I was in her presence. I just wanted to flee, far far away from her. She had done absolutely nothing wrong in any way, I was just unable to stay near her.
The meet ups we had turned into a gray hopeless misery, the fun we shared turned into a sad afterthought, the wonderful evenings where we cuddled and watched Anime together were only a memory at that point and have been replaced by disgust without reason.
The only thing that stayed the exact same as the beginning? Masochistic pain. It still felt the exact same. It still managed to suppress my desire to pass away entirely.
But in return all the other things now felt even more sad. Why? Just why did that happen? There was absolutely no reason whatsoever in this. Some people will definitely now say something along the line of "There surely must have been a trigger", but no! Literally nothing. It was all so incredibly perfect up to a random point where I just woke up and felt that way.
I am almost 26 now and still can't explain to myself why this happens.
I tried so hard to scramble the broken pieces together for almost one and a half years I tried everyhing to stay together with her but I lost her more and more. She obviously started to complain that I started to neglect her, rightfully so. But did I try to change anything? Nah, hell nah! I gaslighted myself into thinking this is just how I am. That I am "unchangable" and she should just accept it. I have become so annoyingly arrogant and just took her for granted. I was nothing more but a little boy in that stupid head of mine. So instead of learning from it I just... broke up with her. Yes. I broke up with her after half a year into that pain. Right at the time where she was in the midst of her final exams for her Abitur. And then? The "rebound" phase hit me hard and I begged to be together with her again. I managed to win her back and it was good for a small amount of time again. Sadly it has been an on off situtation from here onwards. And after 2 and a half year of relationship it finally came to a complete end at the end of 2019.
And then nothing much happened actually. We kept a type of Friends with benefits relationship afterwards which allowed me to keep me "high" for a duration until she inevitably came together with another man after half a year. The most ironic part? She actually tried to make advances on me during that time to get back together, but I just blocked it all off and was super content with the Friends with Benefits situation. Great, right? Ain't that super reasonable now! I literally had the chance to rollback, but chose not to.
This was when the rebound hit again. Where the "high" was over and I had to come "down". This was my very first touchpoint with:
Whenever I start a relationship a type of "timer" starts. I love a lot at the beginning of the relationship. Everything feels fantastic and except the base sadness I have with the never ending wish to pass away, life is really good!
I do everything for her. Lie to her feet however much I can. Gift her the World and do whatever she wants to do.
But then after that "timer" runs out shit hits the fan entirely. I will now outline all the steps of it:
All of that led me to have severe philophobia for the rest of my life which became ever more increasing with every next relationship I had from this day onwards.
I do everything for her. Lie to her feet however much I can. Gift her the World and do whatever she wants to do.
But then after that "timer" runs out shit hits the fan entirely. I will now outline all the steps of it:
| Lovebomb phase | While that "timer" is running I feel love very very well. It is such an intense feeling that has a lot of positive effect on my mental state. While it does not effect the constant sadness it effects all of the other aspects positively in my life. |
| The "timer" runs out | Things now start to feel incredibly weary, lonely and sad. Whatever I enjoyed before doing with that person is now just a past memory and is replaced with an active feeling of sadness, weariness and the feeling of having lived a thousand lives |
| Seperation | A week or so of happiness when I seperate myself from the person. This does not change the constant sadness, though but resets the feelings I had before |
| Rebound | I am now "down" again. I have nothing to keep myself afloat anymore and now panic kicks in and the realization of what I had done hits me. An un-measurable desire to get the person back erupts inside me. I want to be with her as urgently as possible. Impulsive decisions and other very irrational things happen a lot during that phase. |
| [If successful] Reignited flame | If i was successful in getting her back then I can finally feel love again. Less powerful, yes. But still very nice and comfy again. But the timer starts to run again... |
| [If successful] "Timer" runs out yet again | This time way way shorter than before and with way more impact as before. Leading to the inevitable broke up again. |
| [If successful] Cycle | Now this will cycle the entire time between those two states until I ultimately do not get together with the girl anymore when she rejects me |
| Sorrow | In the end a permanent sorrow for the rest of my life stays. When the rebound passes, which can take a long long time, I will always look back on the times at random intervals and feel pure melancholy and sadness. |
All of that led me to have severe philophobia for the rest of my life which became ever more increasing with every next relationship I had from this day onwards.
We both did not write a single line of code up to 2017. So this was our beginning.
He has autism and was able to completely immerse himself in new topics and find his way in them way faster than me. This only damaged my ego a little bit, mostly I felt absolute admiration for him. When he came to me and showed me all the new things he learned every day, I was pretty damn impressed and asked him to show me some of that as well.
He also helped me build my very first PC! :D
That was such a fun evening.
We both started using Xubuntu at the same time and felt pretty good with that system during the time we used it.
Whenever we met up we had the same routing: Work on a new project, eat, walk and talk. It was pure bliss and fun. This, as you might have guessed, still did not affect the base sadness in my brain in any way. I still woke up every day with the wish to not wake up anymore.
About Max himself as a person:
A very loving and caring person. He is unable to help you with social issues, though, as he himself has incredible difficulties resonating with how some feelings feel due to aforementioned autism. But he is still very good and easy to talk to. He is funny, charismatic when he manages to open up to someone, incredibly smart and very determined. Definitely one of the best type of people to be around with. He also had an impact on me in other ways which I will describe in my 2024 recap.
Well here we are.
Corona started, world went to shit, private equity slowly eroded the very fundamentals of our society.
It was a terrible year without the things I have done to myself already.
But it was also the time where I had my final Abitur Exams. I passed all but math where I had to do a vocal test to get a passing grade.
Still in total I managed to get a NC of 2.5 which was pretty damn good!
For the start of 2020 I still had the friends of benefits type of situation with diana, so I was still fairly stable in my head and could actually complete my Abitur.
But now after she got together with the new guy, which has been a good friend of mine, I started to go completely insane.
Corona started, world went to shit, private equity slowly eroded the very fundamentals of our society.
It was a terrible year without the things I have done to myself already.
But it was also the time where I had my final Abitur Exams. I passed all but math where I had to do a vocal test to get a passing grade.
Still in total I managed to get a NC of 2.5 which was pretty damn good!
For the start of 2020 I still had the friends of benefits type of situation with diana, so I was still fairly stable in my head and could actually complete my Abitur.
But now after she got together with the new guy, which has been a good friend of mine, I started to go completely insane.
A lot of things have merged together that led me to my very first attempt to CTB.
I chose Monooxide poisoning for this attempt, buying coal and using an old PC case as a grill.
The thought of being able to die peacefully and without much pain was very pleasant to me. While I do like pain from woman, I absolutely am afraid of any other type of pain. I did never self harm or anything either in my life.
As I was laying in my bed and felt the fumes engulf me sudden panic struck me. It is pretty much impossible to describe how it felt. My brain went into a completely automated mode and ran to next doors to grab a bucket of water to turn the flames off. It worked and I started to slowly come back to my senses.
Every possible scenario on how this could have gone wrong suddenly ran through my head, how I could have burnt down the house, how other people lived here as well!
I did not even think about that because it was a very impulsive decision but I shuddered at the thought that innocent people could have been pulled into my mess.
I decided to get help finally.
As I mentioned before, my parents are very very strict. My father is under the impression that people who do not go to University will not reach anything in life. I have talked with him and expressed my desire to not go to university but rather go and start a traineeship.
He didn't took that well at all. He threatened me to throw me out of the house if I chose to go that way. Therefore I was forced to attend University.
I did not want to at all, but I had to.
I obviously did not do jackshit and used that time to just sleep and play games as during Corona there was only Online University.
He didn't took that well at all. He threatened me to throw me out of the house if I chose to go that way. Therefore I was forced to attend University.
I did not want to at all, but I had to.
I obviously did not do jackshit and used that time to just sleep and play games as during Corona there was only Online University.
I have recieved Bafög during my time in the Abitur which was the highest grade one could get. It was based on the income of my biological parents who were both absolute failures, therefore I have gotten the highest pay with around ~550 Euro.
Additonally to that I worked at K+K, which is one of the most terrible employers that you can imagine, which granted me additional 450 Euro.
One would think that someone who does not have to pay rent or any other cost should be able to live very very well with this. Well guess what: I spent it all on bogus like a 49 Inch monitor or other random hardware just to feel a little bit of dopamine.
This all went so bad that in the end I was over 3K in debt which completely devastated me.
Additonally to that I worked at K+K, which is one of the most terrible employers that you can imagine, which granted me additional 450 Euro.
One would think that someone who does not have to pay rent or any other cost should be able to live very very well with this. Well guess what: I spent it all on bogus like a 49 Inch monitor or other random hardware just to feel a little bit of dopamine.
This all went so bad that in the end I was over 3K in debt which completely devastated me.
A lot of said money was also spent on Food. Especially kebab and McDonald's. I have eaten so much fast food that I very quickly weighed 115Kg. Which is ridiculously high for someone who is 183cm tall. All just to feel a tiny bit of dopamine in my brain.
Kinda ironic as it had the adverse effect. Seeing myself in a mirror made me insanely sad. I looked insanely bloated and felt straightup disgusting.
I have issues with that regardless as I have Hashimoto. Hashimoto is a thyroid disease which is practically the next step to thyroid underfunction.
Kinda ironic as it had the adverse effect. Seeing myself in a mirror made me insanely sad. I looked insanely bloated and felt straightup disgusting.
I have issues with that regardless as I have Hashimoto. Hashimoto is a thyroid disease which is practically the next step to thyroid underfunction.
Next to the obvious social isolation that came with corona, I also completely locked myself out of any type of social gathering.
I felt completely unable to meet with other people. I stayed at home the entire time drowning in my own self pity.
I blamed everything and everyone for my issues but didn't come to the conclusion at all that I am the only one to blame for this mess I put myself in.
I felt completely unable to meet with other people. I stayed at home the entire time drowning in my own self pity.
I blamed everything and everyone for my issues but didn't come to the conclusion at all that I am the only one to blame for this mess I put myself in.
Well. Probably THE biggest impact on me. The rebound phase hit me insanely hard and I started to become completely irrational in mind and soul. Nothing I did made much sense anymore. I cried almost every day spam-wrote her how much I am sorry, well aware that it was annoying for her.
It is all so embarassing in retroperspective. I was so desperate for just a tiny fraction of her attention.
I couldn't focus on anything anymore and every single thought, that was not about the other issues I had, were spent on her.
It is all so embarassing in retroperspective. I was so desperate for just a tiny fraction of her attention.
I couldn't focus on anything anymore and every single thought, that was not about the other issues I had, were spent on her.
The thought of being able to die peacefully and without much pain was very pleasant to me. While I do like pain from woman, I absolutely am afraid of any other type of pain. I did never self harm or anything either in my life.
As I was laying in my bed and felt the fumes engulf me sudden panic struck me. It is pretty much impossible to describe how it felt. My brain went into a completely automated mode and ran to next doors to grab a bucket of water to turn the flames off. It worked and I started to slowly come back to my senses.
Every possible scenario on how this could have gone wrong suddenly ran through my head, how I could have burnt down the house, how other people lived here as well!
I did not even think about that because it was a very impulsive decision but I shuddered at the thought that innocent people could have been pulled into my mess.
I decided to get help finally.
I went to my doctor the next day who already knew that I was not completely sane in my mind.
I told her that I attempted and that I needed help.
From there everything went super fast. I have gotten a direct admission into a psychward not too far away from my place. I got lucky that I could convince her to not send me to a closed psychward.
I have been put on Unit 3 which was the open-depression unit. I was allowed to leave the psychward however I felt, I just was not allowed to drive somewhere else. That was really all there is to it.
It was nice to finally be away from my Parents, from all the screaming and bad mood I had everyday there.
At the unit itself everyone was practically as you expect them to be. A very silent and well behaving unit as everyone was too tired to really do anything at all.
Some cried during the day, some just secluded themselves and others did puzzles or other games.
I slowly opened up to the other people there and had quite a good time with them. I started to workout with a guy there that I befriended, we went to some old Nazi-bunker to scavenge and walked insane amount of distances almost every day. Quickly racked up about 20-27K steps a day. Was a nice feeling to get some fresh air.
In the end I was able to get somewhat of a clear mind again and was released. There were some other circumstances why I had to leave a little earlier than usual but nothing really important. It was about my stomach issues and how I was not allowed to visit a doctor for that, where I already had an appointment yada yada.
But yeah. I felt good again! My brain was in kind of a normal shape again.
Guess what did not disappear tho: The constant sadness. Still the same old feeling. It does not disappear no matter what I try. Antidepressants, drugs, whatever... Nothing can stop this feeling inside me. I still wish for the eternal sleep every single morning I wake up.
I told her that I attempted and that I needed help.
From there everything went super fast. I have gotten a direct admission into a psychward not too far away from my place. I got lucky that I could convince her to not send me to a closed psychward.
I have been put on Unit 3 which was the open-depression unit. I was allowed to leave the psychward however I felt, I just was not allowed to drive somewhere else. That was really all there is to it.
It was nice to finally be away from my Parents, from all the screaming and bad mood I had everyday there.
At the unit itself everyone was practically as you expect them to be. A very silent and well behaving unit as everyone was too tired to really do anything at all.
Some cried during the day, some just secluded themselves and others did puzzles or other games.
I slowly opened up to the other people there and had quite a good time with them. I started to workout with a guy there that I befriended, we went to some old Nazi-bunker to scavenge and walked insane amount of distances almost every day. Quickly racked up about 20-27K steps a day. Was a nice feeling to get some fresh air.
In the end I was able to get somewhat of a clear mind again and was released. There were some other circumstances why I had to leave a little earlier than usual but nothing really important. It was about my stomach issues and how I was not allowed to visit a doctor for that, where I already had an appointment yada yada.
But yeah. I felt good again! My brain was in kind of a normal shape again.
Guess what did not disappear tho: The constant sadness. Still the same old feeling. It does not disappear no matter what I try. Antidepressants, drugs, whatever... Nothing can stop this feeling inside me. I still wish for the eternal sleep every single morning I wake up.
Now out of the clinic I completely pulled my life around. I rapidly lost weight to a point where in less than half a year I weighed 85 Kg again, I worked out and became somewhat jacked. I finally got a proper hairstyle that fit to my now extremely well defined face and chose a clothing style that suited my overall appearance. I finally liked what I saw in the mirror.
I ate way less and more healthy as well! I found out that the optimal way for me to control my hunger and still get sufficient nutrients in is to eat once a day but then big.
Mentally I started to go out again, met people, did stuff and catched up with all the old friends.
I ate way less and more healthy as well! I found out that the optimal way for me to control my hunger and still get sufficient nutrients in is to eat once a day but then big.
Mentally I started to go out again, met people, did stuff and catched up with all the old friends.
I was still in University and enjoyed the time where I just literally didn't do anything.
I had time to work out, sleep out and just feel good. It was pretty nice.
Sadly my parents did catch on eventually and I just came clear and said that there is no chance I continue university.
I have no idea what happened but they became more reserved now and I was allowed to attend a traineeship. As I started to converse with my old friends again one recommended me to apply at an e-commerce company that he also worked at. Pretty big here in Germany and not too far away from my space either. So I gladly took it!
This was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It was a beautiful place, that didn't pay jackshit but had a ton of benefits. Free food, every type of fritz cola, powerful laptops, very lax managment rules and I was allowed to use Linux as well.
Over the 2.5 Years I spent there I made a lot of experiences, learned quite a bit about software patterns and how to write proper software and tests.
My Instructor was 5 years older than me and also someone who watched a lot of Anime so we always talked about the latest leaks and chapter releases of One Piece together.
He teached me so much knowledge that he himself got from University where he was doing his master.
Bless him where ever he is. I liked everything about this guy!
The team where I worked in was also so super friendly and supportive. We often had team events where we went to eat, do escape rooms or whatever.
It was probably the best location to do your traineeship at.
I had time to work out, sleep out and just feel good. It was pretty nice.
Sadly my parents did catch on eventually and I just came clear and said that there is no chance I continue university.
I have no idea what happened but they became more reserved now and I was allowed to attend a traineeship. As I started to converse with my old friends again one recommended me to apply at an e-commerce company that he also worked at. Pretty big here in Germany and not too far away from my space either. So I gladly took it!
This was one of the best decisions I have ever made. It was a beautiful place, that didn't pay jackshit but had a ton of benefits. Free food, every type of fritz cola, powerful laptops, very lax managment rules and I was allowed to use Linux as well.
Over the 2.5 Years I spent there I made a lot of experiences, learned quite a bit about software patterns and how to write proper software and tests.
My Instructor was 5 years older than me and also someone who watched a lot of Anime so we always talked about the latest leaks and chapter releases of One Piece together.
He teached me so much knowledge that he himself got from University where he was doing his master.
Bless him where ever he is. I liked everything about this guy!
The team where I worked in was also so super friendly and supportive. We often had team events where we went to eat, do escape rooms or whatever.
It was probably the best location to do your traineeship at.
Because I felt really lonely and wanted to meet new people I started to use friendship apps. Not dating apps mind you!
Ultimately my current looks did me quite the favour. I got a lot of messages from woman which was pretty good for my fragile ego as it felt like I was actually wanted and people seemed to like me.
I wrote with quite a lot of different people there. One of them I became fairly close with. She also matched my type pretty well.
We met up, she slept over at my place, we cuddled a little bit and after I brought her back we started dating.
I still had my philophobia and I was very reserved with it at first but I dropped my guard pretty fast.
The relationship also only held for a month. we lived way too much apart with 5 hours of distance between us.
I am fully unable to do a remote relationship as I require physical touch.
Also another factor was that she herself was a Masochistic/submissive type of person. And nothing changed on the fact that I can never ever hurt anyone.
So this ended. Luckily before the "asshole-syndrome" could do anything, therefore it went over without any pain.
Ultimately my current looks did me quite the favour. I got a lot of messages from woman which was pretty good for my fragile ego as it felt like I was actually wanted and people seemed to like me.
I wrote with quite a lot of different people there. One of them I became fairly close with. She also matched my type pretty well.
We met up, she slept over at my place, we cuddled a little bit and after I brought her back we started dating.
I still had my philophobia and I was very reserved with it at first but I dropped my guard pretty fast.
The relationship also only held for a month. we lived way too much apart with 5 hours of distance between us.
I am fully unable to do a remote relationship as I require physical touch.
Also another factor was that she herself was a Masochistic/submissive type of person. And nothing changed on the fact that I can never ever hurt anyone.
So this ended. Luckily before the "asshole-syndrome" could do anything, therefore it went over without any pain.
I bonded back with the old crew.
Finally making my peace that I have "lost" Diana and made friends with all of them.
They commended me for going to therapy finally and how I managed to pull my life together again.
Every time I saw Diana I still felt melancholy and regret for what could have been. But I also made it clear to myself that even if you would have another chance in another universe you wouldn't have done anything different and it would have ended the exact same way again.
That kind of helped me cope with the fact that she and I were no longer together. The feeling still persisted, though.
I started to meet often with them all. We went to the Japan-day together, ate together, I did a lot of things together with diana's boyfriend.
And we genuienly had a good time there!
With that 2021 came to an end.
Guess what still did not come to an end though: That's right! That feeling of wanting to exit ^^ same old feeling, same old constant
Finally making my peace that I have "lost" Diana and made friends with all of them.
They commended me for going to therapy finally and how I managed to pull my life together again.
Every time I saw Diana I still felt melancholy and regret for what could have been. But I also made it clear to myself that even if you would have another chance in another universe you wouldn't have done anything different and it would have ended the exact same way again.
That kind of helped me cope with the fact that she and I were no longer together. The feeling still persisted, though.
I started to meet often with them all. We went to the Japan-day together, ate together, I did a lot of things together with diana's boyfriend.
And we genuienly had a good time there!
With that 2021 came to an end.
Guess what still did not come to an end though: That's right! That feeling of wanting to exit ^^ same old feeling, same old constant
Here we are!
Finally some peaceful times.
Those years passed by pretty fast.
I went to vocational school, played BloonsTD there. Programmed my own custom IRC implementations with friends where we sent each other network requests to our laptops.
Did things with them outside and in private.
One friend I met at the school, I will call him Matt, will become very important towards the end of the story so keep him in your mind ^^
I also visited a lot of new locations.
And still used my looks to meet up with a couple woman to cuddle and talk. Nothing more, though! No sexual things whatsoever. It was so very nice to not have the need for it.
Another thing I realised during that time. I like doing things for other people way way more than I like doing things for myself. "Serving" someone, somehow made my mind pretty complete.
That was really how I spent my years!
I did gain a couple kilos again towards the start of 2023 though, probably as a premonition of bad times coming again, eh?
Gueeeeeess what did not change tho during all that time?
Yep! That one specific feeling. Still ever present and just as intense as it has been since 2013 now. It is constant and does not change.
All in all pretty peaceful years though. I was quite fond of them.
Finally some peaceful times.
Those years passed by pretty fast.
I went to vocational school, played BloonsTD there. Programmed my own custom IRC implementations with friends where we sent each other network requests to our laptops.
Did things with them outside and in private.
One friend I met at the school, I will call him Matt, will become very important towards the end of the story so keep him in your mind ^^
I also visited a lot of new locations.
And still used my looks to meet up with a couple woman to cuddle and talk. Nothing more, though! No sexual things whatsoever. It was so very nice to not have the need for it.
Another thing I realised during that time. I like doing things for other people way way more than I like doing things for myself. "Serving" someone, somehow made my mind pretty complete.
That was really how I spent my years!
I did gain a couple kilos again towards the start of 2023 though, probably as a premonition of bad times coming again, eh?
Gueeeeeess what did not change tho during all that time?
Yep! That one specific feeling. Still ever present and just as intense as it has been since 2013 now. It is constant and does not change.
All in all pretty peaceful years though. I was quite fond of them.
It actually took quite a bit of time for me to put a title to these times.
Because they are very hard to summarize.
The beginning of 2023 was pretty ordinary. The next major "event" really happened in march of that year.
Diana had her birthday together with her twin sister! We went to an escape room together and she invited a class mate of hers.
When I met her she felt more like a "side character" of sorts. I really thought that this is probably the only time I will ever see her and then never again.
Oh how wrong I was.
We started texting not long after Diana's birthday. It all started with a technicality. Diana told her that I have some experience with technical stuff and directed her towards me because she had some type of issue with her phone. I don't really specificaly remember what it was, only that it started that way.
Oh and you can probably guess what did not change during the entire timeeeee
Yes! That ever existing sadness and the wish to exit every morning. The same constant "sadness" that does not leave my side.
Because they are very hard to summarize.
The beginning of 2023 was pretty ordinary. The next major "event" really happened in march of that year.
Diana had her birthday together with her twin sister! We went to an escape room together and she invited a class mate of hers.
When I met her she felt more like a "side character" of sorts. I really thought that this is probably the only time I will ever see her and then never again.
Oh how wrong I was.
We started texting not long after Diana's birthday. It all started with a technicality. Diana told her that I have some experience with technical stuff and directed her towards me because she had some type of issue with her phone. I don't really specificaly remember what it was, only that it started that way.
Well it ended as it had to. We texted, I was her type and she also was my type. I will call her Silke in this story.
It all started pretty carefully at the start actually. I tried to not give her the impression that there is any hope for a relationship because I was at this point insanely wary of losing the peaceful times I had to this point. My philophobia was very, very high and I tried everything to make her realize what a bad type of boyfriend I am. I told her about the "Asshole-syndrome". Told her about the relationship between Diana and me and made it pretty clear what a horrible boyfriend I am.
She practically went into full "I can fix him" mode and assured me that it's fine and she can deal with that.
So we started our relationship!
Oh how right I was. The asshole-syndrome kicked in very quickly after we started dating.
The lovebomb phase was as beautiful as ever. I loved every second with her. We did so much stuff and visited so many places, also with the friend group.
We cuddled a lot and also watched many movies together.
In the end it had to come as it came.
The second phase set in and everything started to feel weary and boring again. I tried to hold puzzle pieces together that no longer fit to each other. It all felt so devastating.
She was such a cute girl and even handmade me an advents calendar and all I did was feeling annoyed at her. I hate myself so much that I felt that way. I feel the regret to this day of ever starting a relationship. It was such a stupid thing. I knew how it will go, I knew it all, but no, I just had to let myself go and trust that she might be able to "fix" what is wrong with me.
This is a girl that can truly love. Someone who has a heart out of pure gold. Someone who deserves a boyfriend who does not have the conditions I have. I was at her place a lot of times and I had a good relationship with her parents as well. Often being invited to things.
Seeing her cry because I neglected her broke my heart so very much. But what can I do? I am a broken man...
Ultimately we broke up in December 2024. I cried my eyes out. Something I had not done for almost 4 years. I cried so much because I had to experience this all over again. Something that would have been fully preventable. I laid in her arms while we both just cried. She knew this could happen but I felt that she was absolutely not prepared for it.
She asked me for a friends with benefits type of situationship.
I was absolutely not fond of it. Told her that this will break her even more and she should search for someone who can love as much as she can love.
She really insisted on it though to the point that I realized that she can not let go at all.
And here I did an insane lapse of judgment: I agreed...
It all started pretty carefully at the start actually. I tried to not give her the impression that there is any hope for a relationship because I was at this point insanely wary of losing the peaceful times I had to this point. My philophobia was very, very high and I tried everything to make her realize what a bad type of boyfriend I am. I told her about the "Asshole-syndrome". Told her about the relationship between Diana and me and made it pretty clear what a horrible boyfriend I am.
She practically went into full "I can fix him" mode and assured me that it's fine and she can deal with that.
So we started our relationship!
Oh how right I was. The asshole-syndrome kicked in very quickly after we started dating.
The lovebomb phase was as beautiful as ever. I loved every second with her. We did so much stuff and visited so many places, also with the friend group.
We cuddled a lot and also watched many movies together.
And guess what: She was even more dominant and sadistic than Diana
Yep that was the point where I dropped every last bit of reservation about my masochism. It has been quite the open secret for a bit now but now I just fully and totally embraced what I am.
It actually started to become quite worrisome. I have scars on my upper arm and back to this day from her. And I don't regret those even for a bit.
I got bitten so often, put in so many positions, had my arm and back scratched open to the point that it bled everywhere. But she did it so lovingly. Always bringing me to the point where I am close to feeling real pain and then stopping and caressing me. Making sure that I don't feel only pain but also warmth. She knew how to do aftercare so very well even though I was her first real relationship.
It did go wrong once, though.
I made her angry once and she did not fully calculate her strength anymore. I also did not tap out because I kind of enjoyed the pain, until we hard a very loud cracking sound.
That was the moment where we both snapped back to reality and she let me out of the hold.
I tried turning my arm and ouch... I noticed that it was broken. It went black for a millisecond in front of my face but all in all it was not that bad to be honest. I was actually impressed I took it so well. She was so much more worried than I was. I had to assure her that everything is okay and we can just go to the hospital with this.
I called an ambulance and let them take me to the hospital. There I got the x-ray scans and yup sure enough. A fracture.
Went all the way from the top of my forearm to the elbow. I have been put in a cast and sent home.
Quite the annoying times awaited me from there especially since I actually just started my new job.
Not being able to properly shower, or do anything with your dominant hand is quite the nuisance. Did we stop though? Hell no.
While I still wore my cast we continued on like nothing happened. Just leaving that arm of course and being way more careful in general now.
I was out for a total of 4 weeks :(
Yep that was the point where I dropped every last bit of reservation about my masochism. It has been quite the open secret for a bit now but now I just fully and totally embraced what I am.
It actually started to become quite worrisome. I have scars on my upper arm and back to this day from her. And I don't regret those even for a bit.
I got bitten so often, put in so many positions, had my arm and back scratched open to the point that it bled everywhere. But she did it so lovingly. Always bringing me to the point where I am close to feeling real pain and then stopping and caressing me. Making sure that I don't feel only pain but also warmth. She knew how to do aftercare so very well even though I was her first real relationship.
It did go wrong once, though.
I made her angry once and she did not fully calculate her strength anymore. I also did not tap out because I kind of enjoyed the pain, until we hard a very loud cracking sound.
That was the moment where we both snapped back to reality and she let me out of the hold.
I tried turning my arm and ouch... I noticed that it was broken. It went black for a millisecond in front of my face but all in all it was not that bad to be honest. I was actually impressed I took it so well. She was so much more worried than I was. I had to assure her that everything is okay and we can just go to the hospital with this.
I called an ambulance and let them take me to the hospital. There I got the x-ray scans and yup sure enough. A fracture.
Went all the way from the top of my forearm to the elbow. I have been put in a cast and sent home.
Quite the annoying times awaited me from there especially since I actually just started my new job.
Not being able to properly shower, or do anything with your dominant hand is quite the nuisance. Did we stop though? Hell no.
While I still wore my cast we continued on like nothing happened. Just leaving that arm of course and being way more careful in general now.
I was out for a total of 4 weeks :(
The second phase set in and everything started to feel weary and boring again. I tried to hold puzzle pieces together that no longer fit to each other. It all felt so devastating.
She was such a cute girl and even handmade me an advents calendar and all I did was feeling annoyed at her. I hate myself so much that I felt that way. I feel the regret to this day of ever starting a relationship. It was such a stupid thing. I knew how it will go, I knew it all, but no, I just had to let myself go and trust that she might be able to "fix" what is wrong with me.
This is a girl that can truly love. Someone who has a heart out of pure gold. Someone who deserves a boyfriend who does not have the conditions I have. I was at her place a lot of times and I had a good relationship with her parents as well. Often being invited to things.
Seeing her cry because I neglected her broke my heart so very much. But what can I do? I am a broken man...
Ultimately we broke up in December 2024. I cried my eyes out. Something I had not done for almost 4 years. I cried so much because I had to experience this all over again. Something that would have been fully preventable. I laid in her arms while we both just cried. She knew this could happen but I felt that she was absolutely not prepared for it.
She asked me for a friends with benefits type of situationship.
I was absolutely not fond of it. Told her that this will break her even more and she should search for someone who can love as much as she can love.
She really insisted on it though to the point that I realized that she can not let go at all.
And here I did an insane lapse of judgment: I agreed...
Yay! I got a new job.
Matt actually joined that job two months before me! We got introduced to this job by another friend we both had in vocational school whose sister worked at that company.
It was a Berlin based company and it allowed us to work fully remote from home which was very nice at the time!
The pay also became much better going from the 3K my traineeship-company offered me to 4K!
Gross obviously, but Net it was about 2.7K Euro. Which is very very livable :D
The work environment was even more relaxed than the one where I did my traineeship.
The team was small, the code base managable but the infrastructure they had was absolute trash.
I also pulled in my very good friend Max! He had a terrible company that paid him nothing and demanded a lot of work from him and I offered him to just apply to this company as well.
I praised him as much as I could in the company itself and they took him in very easily!
Now we both earned the same, were in the same team and did the same work. It was a lot of fun!!
Well the fun was not meant to last though
The company did incredibly bad managment decisions that ultimately led to them losing a ton of money and the shareholders becoming very angry with them.
This in turn led to layoffs, which didn't affect us but left us with a bad taste. The managment was very happy with our work but we still constantly lived with the fear of this happening to us.
Sure enough, another wave of layoffs happened a bit afterwards, again it did not hit us. What they did with the remaining people though was probably even worse.
They wanted to cut our salary! Trying to force a 4 day week on us with on-call on friday with a 20% reduction in our overall salary.
All in all this would not have been too bad if we would not have lived together in our own apartment. More on that later.
So yeah. I took the other offer they gave which was granting us 2 times our wage PLUS our wage and then leave the company.
This was also the company where I met Katarina (Name changed as always) on our tri-monthly trips to Berlin. Probably one of the nicest "features" this company offered actually. Felt like going on a class trip every time, paid for by the company.
Katarina will have a pretty important part later on.
Matt actually joined that job two months before me! We got introduced to this job by another friend we both had in vocational school whose sister worked at that company.
It was a Berlin based company and it allowed us to work fully remote from home which was very nice at the time!
The pay also became much better going from the 3K my traineeship-company offered me to 4K!
Gross obviously, but Net it was about 2.7K Euro. Which is very very livable :D
The work environment was even more relaxed than the one where I did my traineeship.
The team was small, the code base managable but the infrastructure they had was absolute trash.
I also pulled in my very good friend Max! He had a terrible company that paid him nothing and demanded a lot of work from him and I offered him to just apply to this company as well.
I praised him as much as I could in the company itself and they took him in very easily!
Now we both earned the same, were in the same team and did the same work. It was a lot of fun!!
Well the fun was not meant to last though
The company did incredibly bad managment decisions that ultimately led to them losing a ton of money and the shareholders becoming very angry with them.
This in turn led to layoffs, which didn't affect us but left us with a bad taste. The managment was very happy with our work but we still constantly lived with the fear of this happening to us.
Sure enough, another wave of layoffs happened a bit afterwards, again it did not hit us. What they did with the remaining people though was probably even worse.
They wanted to cut our salary! Trying to force a 4 day week on us with on-call on friday with a 20% reduction in our overall salary.
All in all this would not have been too bad if we would not have lived together in our own apartment. More on that later.
So yeah. I took the other offer they gave which was granting us 2 times our wage PLUS our wage and then leave the company.
This was also the company where I met Katarina (Name changed as always) on our tri-monthly trips to Berlin. Probably one of the nicest "features" this company offered actually. Felt like going on a class trip every time, paid for by the company.
Katarina will have a pretty important part later on.
Now with money being safe and a bit saved up and my parents still being... my parents, Max and I decided to leave our homes.
We started to live together!
Got insanely lucky with the apartment. 160 square metres,5 rooms, for 1.2K. Basically a unicorn for german standards.
We both were very hyped for that life. And now with 24 I finally left my parents home and lived in my own apartment.
We had quite a nice time together. Often playing SSBB or SSBU together.
Inviting a lot of people over to hold fun gatherings and just doing random projects.
Built a nice speaker setup, huge TV, huge couch. Everything. It was quite the luxorious and fun lifestyle.
I did most of the handywork in the apartment and... also most of the cleaning tbh. He was not much of a tidy person. It did bother me to some degree but not enough to be truly angry at him.
We both respected our privacy a lot as we both had issues with that with our parents.
Most of our days we were in our rooms. But it was nice to just go next door and ask if the other wants to do something outside or do something on a programming project.
This was actually how I started with NixOS! He teached me the fundamentals of NixOS and Nix. Which has been very helpful to this day for me!
Ultimately he did not want to live in a shared apartment anymore, though as he has always been more the loner type and underestimated how a shared living situation feels for him.
The original plan was to leave early 2025 but because of the company going crazy we both needed new jobs before we could leave. This did make him very stressed out and our relationship became a bit strained because of that.
In the end we both managed to find new jobs and were able to leave the apartment Mid 2025.
We have kept a meeting routine since then.
We started to live together!
Got insanely lucky with the apartment. 160 square metres,5 rooms, for 1.2K. Basically a unicorn for german standards.
We both were very hyped for that life. And now with 24 I finally left my parents home and lived in my own apartment.
We had quite a nice time together. Often playing SSBB or SSBU together.
Inviting a lot of people over to hold fun gatherings and just doing random projects.
Built a nice speaker setup, huge TV, huge couch. Everything. It was quite the luxorious and fun lifestyle.
I did most of the handywork in the apartment and... also most of the cleaning tbh. He was not much of a tidy person. It did bother me to some degree but not enough to be truly angry at him.
We both respected our privacy a lot as we both had issues with that with our parents.
Most of our days we were in our rooms. But it was nice to just go next door and ask if the other wants to do something outside or do something on a programming project.
This was actually how I started with NixOS! He teached me the fundamentals of NixOS and Nix. Which has been very helpful to this day for me!
Ultimately he did not want to live in a shared apartment anymore, though as he has always been more the loner type and underestimated how a shared living situation feels for him.
The original plan was to leave early 2025 but because of the company going crazy we both needed new jobs before we could leave. This did make him very stressed out and our relationship became a bit strained because of that.
In the end we both managed to find new jobs and were able to leave the apartment Mid 2025.
We have kept a meeting routine since then.
I have never ever been right wing. What I had tho was insanely edgy humor thinking it was okay because after all I am not a racist or misogynist.
Not only that but I did have unfavourable views on some topics.
1. I believed the propaganda that deporting migrants who have been criminally active is a good thing.
2. Believing that the reason we can't have affordable apartments is because we have too many people in the country
3. Believing that capitalism is a necessary evil as the human itself is incredibly greedy and it goes all the back to the stone ages.
4. Thinking that feminism is no longer required and we have true equality in Germany.
Just to name a few.
Those type of absolute bogus thoughts. Nothing that would make you directly right wing. But nothing that is educated in any way either.
I always voted for SPD or Die Partei in hopes that my vote does not go to Nazi Parties but I did not use my vote to actually benefit the people in any way.
That is when Max came into play. We spend several nights debating about various topics. And I was impressed how educated he was on a lot of topics.
Being able to show me proper statistics, real facts and not things that I have seen on Instagram... Things that actually make sense.
I have always called myself a "left leaning centrist" and thought that was more than enough. But I did not even grasp the gravity of the situtation.
He debunked pretty much everything I had in my brain. It was incredibly hard to actually accept his reasonings at first because I was insanely stubborn and my fragile ego did not allow me to question my own believes.
His counter points were so good, though, that I have been completely unable to say anything different:
1. Nothing would change doing that. Migrants are not the issue but poor economic and social factors are. Correlation does not equal Causality and never will. And even if we deport those type of people they would commit the same crime in their country where they might not be punished properly for it. Therefore I much rather pay taxes to keep a possible rapist locked up than having them be deported back to their country where they can continue doing that.
2. Apartments are not expensive because we have too many people. Apartments are expensive because of private equity and companies like Vonovia. Undermining the very possibility to even get close to your own home. Keeping houses and apartments empty to artifically drive up the pricing to the absolute breaking point. Buying up houses from people to control even more real estate.
3. While yes, humans are greedy, capitalism feeds directly into that greed and enforces it to a point that it becomes unmanagable and dangerous to the greater good. It led us to the disaster we have right now
4. Feminism is as important as always. It is scientifically proven that woman still not earn nearly as much as men, still get assaulted and mistreated by men to this very day. Parents do not teach their sons that they do not have to touch anyone without their explicit consent, but instead teach their daughters to be careful when going out. There is still a lot of work to do.
There were a lot of other topics I changed my mind on when I was confronted with verificable factual statements.
Today I am an active member in the Party "Die Linke" and advocate for a better future for everyone.
It does not matter who you are, we are all human and nobody should be judged in any way for what they are but for what they do!
This was also when I noticed that my old group with Diana and the others was very, very problematic politically speaking. Diana herself got influenced a ton by her boyfriend and became more and more right-wing. There was a time she was more left than I was. Now when I talked with her she started to talk about how Transwoman are not woman and could never be one.
I was completely disillusioned and realized that what I was feeling sorrow and melanchy for was not even her, but the concept of her.
Of what she had been. I have long lost interest in her 2021 onwards, but I was still longing for what had been.
Well. To shorten it: I cut contact with the group as a whole. I cant be friends with people who hate gay people. Especially when my best friend, Max, is homosexual himself. I can't be friends with people that think the working class should suffer even more for the benefit of rich companies and I sure as fuck can't be friends with people who think woman belong in the kitchen and that is all they are good for. So yes. That was pretty much the cut off point of the entire group for me. While I became more and more left-wing they became more and more right-wing.
It was inevitable.
Not only that but I did have unfavourable views on some topics.
1. I believed the propaganda that deporting migrants who have been criminally active is a good thing.
2. Believing that the reason we can't have affordable apartments is because we have too many people in the country
3. Believing that capitalism is a necessary evil as the human itself is incredibly greedy and it goes all the back to the stone ages.
4. Thinking that feminism is no longer required and we have true equality in Germany.
Just to name a few.
Those type of absolute bogus thoughts. Nothing that would make you directly right wing. But nothing that is educated in any way either.
I always voted for SPD or Die Partei in hopes that my vote does not go to Nazi Parties but I did not use my vote to actually benefit the people in any way.
That is when Max came into play. We spend several nights debating about various topics. And I was impressed how educated he was on a lot of topics.
Being able to show me proper statistics, real facts and not things that I have seen on Instagram... Things that actually make sense.
I have always called myself a "left leaning centrist" and thought that was more than enough. But I did not even grasp the gravity of the situtation.
He debunked pretty much everything I had in my brain. It was incredibly hard to actually accept his reasonings at first because I was insanely stubborn and my fragile ego did not allow me to question my own believes.
His counter points were so good, though, that I have been completely unable to say anything different:
1. Nothing would change doing that. Migrants are not the issue but poor economic and social factors are. Correlation does not equal Causality and never will. And even if we deport those type of people they would commit the same crime in their country where they might not be punished properly for it. Therefore I much rather pay taxes to keep a possible rapist locked up than having them be deported back to their country where they can continue doing that.
2. Apartments are not expensive because we have too many people. Apartments are expensive because of private equity and companies like Vonovia. Undermining the very possibility to even get close to your own home. Keeping houses and apartments empty to artifically drive up the pricing to the absolute breaking point. Buying up houses from people to control even more real estate.
3. While yes, humans are greedy, capitalism feeds directly into that greed and enforces it to a point that it becomes unmanagable and dangerous to the greater good. It led us to the disaster we have right now
4. Feminism is as important as always. It is scientifically proven that woman still not earn nearly as much as men, still get assaulted and mistreated by men to this very day. Parents do not teach their sons that they do not have to touch anyone without their explicit consent, but instead teach their daughters to be careful when going out. There is still a lot of work to do.
There were a lot of other topics I changed my mind on when I was confronted with verificable factual statements.
Today I am an active member in the Party "Die Linke" and advocate for a better future for everyone.
It does not matter who you are, we are all human and nobody should be judged in any way for what they are but for what they do!
This was also when I noticed that my old group with Diana and the others was very, very problematic politically speaking. Diana herself got influenced a ton by her boyfriend and became more and more right-wing. There was a time she was more left than I was. Now when I talked with her she started to talk about how Transwoman are not woman and could never be one.
I was completely disillusioned and realized that what I was feeling sorrow and melanchy for was not even her, but the concept of her.
Of what she had been. I have long lost interest in her 2021 onwards, but I was still longing for what had been.
Well. To shorten it: I cut contact with the group as a whole. I cant be friends with people who hate gay people. Especially when my best friend, Max, is homosexual himself. I can't be friends with people that think the working class should suffer even more for the benefit of rich companies and I sure as fuck can't be friends with people who think woman belong in the kitchen and that is all they are good for. So yes. That was pretty much the cut off point of the entire group for me. While I became more and more left-wing they became more and more right-wing.
It was inevitable.
Because of the asshole syndrome I started to overeat again.
And sure enough... I have gained yet again so much weight that I ended up on the mystical 115kg...
I was pissed that I let myself go that much another time, that I chased that little bit of dopamine again to cope with a situation that I have put myself in.
I was way more able to hide the obesity this time though as my clothing style has shifted entirely to purely oversized stuff and I had hair down to the shoulder. So I still kept a somewhat decent appearence which becomes relevant later.
And sure enough... I have gained yet again so much weight that I ended up on the mystical 115kg...
I was pissed that I let myself go that much another time, that I chased that little bit of dopamine again to cope with a situation that I have put myself in.
I was way more able to hide the obesity this time though as my clothing style has shifted entirely to purely oversized stuff and I had hair down to the shoulder. So I still kept a somewhat decent appearence which becomes relevant later.
Yes! That ever existing sadness and the wish to exit every morning. The same constant "sadness" that does not leave my side.
2025 was one of the craziest years I had.
I was practically "high" the entire time, because I feared the rebound of my last relationship so much.
The entire year practically consisted only of hookups. I will not go too much into detail into each girl that I met as I don't want this story to be even more focused on that as it already is but yeah... It was bad. I basically jumped from one to another just so I do not have to come "down" and feel the rebound.
So I much rather focus on the "highlights" of that year
Now I am here. Writing this text for almost 2 Days. I am still in the process of regaining all of my sanity and will not act until I know that I am fully clear of mind again.
If I die it should clearly come from my soul.
The ever present sadness and desire to not wake up will not go away, I know that, but I don't want to exit because I am still stuck in the rebound.
I refuse to exit because of a relationship.
When I exit then only when I know that I do this out of my own clear volatition. That I do this because of the ever present tiredness of life.
I am currently sane enough to know that I am not sane at all.
I was practically "high" the entire time, because I feared the rebound of my last relationship so much.
The entire year practically consisted only of hookups. I will not go too much into detail into each girl that I met as I don't want this story to be even more focused on that as it already is but yeah... It was bad. I basically jumped from one to another just so I do not have to come "down" and feel the rebound.
So I much rather focus on the "highlights" of that year
The biggest issue definitely was that I did not match with a lot of girls that had interest in me.
Most of all woman are sadly submissive/masochistic themselves! I have been asked quite a lot of times if I am able to slap, choke or punch them in any way to which I always had to make it clear that I am fully unable to hurt a fly.
I definitely "passed" a lot of "oppurtunities" because of that but well... I just can't grant them their wishes.
It was incredibly hard to find woman that are interested in dominating a man.
Most of all woman are sadly submissive/masochistic themselves! I have been asked quite a lot of times if I am able to slap, choke or punch them in any way to which I always had to make it clear that I am fully unable to hurt a fly.
I definitely "passed" a lot of "oppurtunities" because of that but well... I just can't grant them their wishes.
It was incredibly hard to find woman that are interested in dominating a man.
Jup! I am pretty much dead down there right now. I can not get it fully up in any way.
How that happened? Porn consumption! I abused it so much and used it as a source of quick dopamine when I felt sad during my time with Silke.
At times I did it 4-7 times a day just to not feel so bad.
The real issue happened after the relationship with Silke, though. I am not built for hookup culture. I can't do that life as my body showed me pretty soon. I became scared of screwing up and as a consequence with each girl I had that year it became more and more difficult to get any kind of reaction down there which did not help the cause in any way...
I did get very skilled with... other things... as a result so I can feed my fragile ego with the satisfaction that I can still make others climax and still managed to get that oh so needed pain and dominance my body demanded to keep me "high".
I managed to completely avoid the rebound altogether through that at the cost of my bodily functions.
I am currently in the process of banning porn from my life and letting the rebound hit me. More on that in a bit.
How that happened? Porn consumption! I abused it so much and used it as a source of quick dopamine when I felt sad during my time with Silke.
At times I did it 4-7 times a day just to not feel so bad.
The real issue happened after the relationship with Silke, though. I am not built for hookup culture. I can't do that life as my body showed me pretty soon. I became scared of screwing up and as a consequence with each girl I had that year it became more and more difficult to get any kind of reaction down there which did not help the cause in any way...
I did get very skilled with... other things... as a result so I can feed my fragile ego with the satisfaction that I can still make others climax and still managed to get that oh so needed pain and dominance my body demanded to keep me "high".
I managed to completely avoid the rebound altogether through that at the cost of my bodily functions.
I am currently in the process of banning porn from my life and letting the rebound hit me. More on that in a bit.
My other good friend, Peter, that I told about during the Abitur times, invited me to join that company.
I gambled a lot when I left the old company as I did not had any new job.
I gladly took his offer and got invited fairly quickly to calls and a personal meetup where I showed my skills as a developer.
I have been taken in and now earn 4.7K Gross which is roughly 3.1K Net! Very much needed though, as I also have a new apartment now which is more expensive for me as a single person and no way to share rent.
I moved close to the work location because there is a mandatory 2 days office requirement as well.
The job itself is pretty simple. Working with symfony, yet again, maintaining GRANT and Transactional Stores and writing core architectury code.
The infrastructure is not as bad of a mess as my old company but still fairly fragile at times.
Work is very chill again though and the team I work with is super kind and fun to work with.
I have later been moved to a different team and now will probably be promoted to Senior Developer as I now take on way more responsibility for that team.
I gambled a lot when I left the old company as I did not had any new job.
I gladly took his offer and got invited fairly quickly to calls and a personal meetup where I showed my skills as a developer.
I have been taken in and now earn 4.7K Gross which is roughly 3.1K Net! Very much needed though, as I also have a new apartment now which is more expensive for me as a single person and no way to share rent.
I moved close to the work location because there is a mandatory 2 days office requirement as well.
The job itself is pretty simple. Working with symfony, yet again, maintaining GRANT and Transactional Stores and writing core architectury code.
The infrastructure is not as bad of a mess as my old company but still fairly fragile at times.
Work is very chill again though and the team I work with is super kind and fun to work with.
I have later been moved to a different team and now will probably be promoted to Senior Developer as I now take on way more responsibility for that team.
I finally managed to quit meat and every other animal based products. I have watched the watchdominion documentation about this topic.
I already somewhat knew that the entire industry is absolutely messed up to the core, but I chose to remain ignorant by choice. Something I regret very much and still make accusations towards myself to this day.
I now eat very healthy, quit fast food altogether and watch my nutritions very tightly.
HelloFresh has been an immense help here for me in case anyone else is struggling with this because they hate cooking.
My body feels cleaner than never before and I am so very glad I made that step.
I already somewhat knew that the entire industry is absolutely messed up to the core, but I chose to remain ignorant by choice. Something I regret very much and still make accusations towards myself to this day.
I now eat very healthy, quit fast food altogether and watch my nutritions very tightly.
HelloFresh has been an immense help here for me in case anyone else is struggling with this because they hate cooking.
My body feels cleaner than never before and I am so very glad I made that step.
As a result of my new eating habits I have lost a lot of weight currently coming in at around ~100kg now and decreasing every week.
My face is now very defined again and I slowly start to look conventionally attractive again as before.
My face is now very defined again and I slowly start to look conventionally attractive again as before.
And yet again. I just don't learn at all.
Remember Katarina? My work collegue from the second company?
She texted me a bit from time to time. I never thought that she made any advances on me as my mindset is that as long as a woman does not tell me that she has interest in me, there is no interest in me. So I always feigned absolute ignorance.
But then one night we texted about new work opportunities and she started to write about how she would like to work at fetlife. Now I realized instantly that she was not the innocent girl that I took her for and I got insanely curious.
The texts became more and more specific to the point where we both admitted that we found each other attractive the second we saw us at the hotel in Berlin.
She hit exactly my type again.
I saw a new hookup potential here that I wanted to take so I asked quite frankly if she was more the sub or dom type. She replied that she was more the sub type which was like a punch in the face at first. I was just having that "funny situtation smiling" and telling myself "ah dang".
When I told her a bit about my sub/maso habits she opened up that she was more or less forced into the sub role at times and would love to indulge more in the other experience with me.
Jackpot! I told her that she can do whatever she liked with me, go completely crazy on me however she wished for.
One other thing: Guess who also already spent some time with her. Also sexually. That's right! Matt! Here he is again. Was good seeing him again because I kind of lost sight of him for a good while since I left the company.
Well, it happened, what had to happen. I met with Katarina and Matt for the first time after a long while. We both went to some little water hole and hung around the entire night there. I noticed quickly that Katarina is everything but that shy and reserved girl I had in my mind. I have never ever met a girl like her. It was like seeing a sparkling star right in front of your eyes after years of darkness. She spoke about her political side, about her life and everything really. She was so crazy and it attracted me so much.
One thing I was very upfront with, as with any hookup I had, was my philophobia. And that is where the issue erupted.
We both started off with the premise that there should be no romantical feelings whatsoever. This came from her side, mind you!
And it was very very welcomed for me as I also had no other intentions other than being friends with benefits.
But then one night she suddenly started talking that she might could have a crush on me. That was my breaking point. I had to turn down several girls in one year that all somehow got a crush on me although I was completely and unmistakably clear in my intentions from the very start with everyone. Yet, I still got into those situations every single time.
It hurts so much to turn down someone and then having to explain to them the story of Diana and me, and my philophobia.
I just broke out into tears at this moment.
Now. She got me in a very very good moment. I was weak, crying my eyes out in her arms and telling her the traumtic experiences I had so far with relationships.
Maybe I feel way too much about all of this but I personally feel like she took advantage of me here now.
She assured me that this relationship does not need to have any meaning and that it is just for fun. That we only do it to enjoy ourselves and afterwards we can still have the same fun we had before the relationship.
I just wanted the pain to stop. I gaslighted myself into thinking that I could trick my brain by not seeing this as a "real" relationship. At first that worked, especially, since she recommended a polyrelationship with matt.
Because we were both together with her my mind never fully accepted the bonding with her. But then the catastrophy did appear. They seperated... because he felt like he got way less attention than I got from her. Is that true? No idea. Could be, could be not. I was not able to view this from his eyes.
But yeah they seperated and I was together with Katarina alone now. And that was the absolute game over. The "asshole-syndrome" kicked in again completely. I started to love bomb her with all I got. We worked together in the same room, slept together. She stayed multiple weeks here with her cat. (which she was finally able to cure my cat phobia with).
And also indulged in
We had a ton of fun until the second phase inevitably kicked in again. During mid-january It all began again. The usual weariness, the feeling annoyed and all of the other symptoms.
I suffered again into February, 3 days before valentines day.
I went to her place and told her that what I prophesized happened.
I did notice that her affection towards me also dropped beforehand.
She told me that she herself wanted to end the relationship on the day she was at my place before Matt picked her up from here but didnt manage to.
So what I write now might be a bit emotionally charged. I feel myself already getting worked up about what I am writing right now. So take it with a grain of salt especially since it's only my perspective of things:
This is pretty much the moment where bad turned into hell.
So, Matt and Katarina live together now. To save on rent and because Matt always wanted to have a roommate. He only moved into his new apartment for 3 month before moving out again to live with her.
I did not have the choice as my workplace was way too far from her space so I was somewhat landbound, let alone I am not even sure if she would have wanted me.
But yeah. When he moved in, in january/februrary I noticed that she swinged back to him. And I mean hardly back to him.
Apparently now that she was not lonely she did not require me anymore and after the time with us ended all the texts I sent her, all the Reels we used to send each other and everything turned into a one sided conversation.
This did not help with my rebound in any way. I felt the rebound from Silke and Katarina combined now and I was absolutely and in no way prepared for what was about to happen.
I went completely into grief mode, becoming impulsive and irrational again. It was almost as bad as with Diana back in the days.
Her talks of keeping going afterwards was not fulfilled and I could not suppress the rebound. I got no more pain to suppress the sadness inside my body and it all rushed back into me combined with the aforementioned rebound that I managed to suppress away through the year of hookups.
I am so, so, so incredibly stupid to think that I could have escaped the fate of any relationship I start. I should have never ever let her sweettalk me into this shit. And now I am currently still in the phase of having to come out of the rebound. I am still emotionally charged which is why I will not CTB until I am fully clear of mind again.
I expect that to be in the next 3-4 Months.
The only merit to all of this is that I already know the procedure and can fight against it. I forced myself out of the home. Went with friends. Fought actively against feeling that way.
Forced myself to cry to vent out the excess sadness. Every time I cry, I become more stable afterwards.
I did some irrational decision during the 10 Minutes where the sadness overtook my brain completely. Luckily nothing too severe, but embarassing afterwards nonetheless.
I would love to clearly tell her to go fuck off for what she did to me, but I can't hate her for something that I myself am. There is nobody to blame but myself.
Also I know that my view on this will change when I get more sane in mind again and I would very much like to not put myself on a bad foot with her as I do still like her in some regards.
I should not have relied on the hope that after the relationship I could recieve what I need to suppress the rebound.
Remember Katarina? My work collegue from the second company?
She texted me a bit from time to time. I never thought that she made any advances on me as my mindset is that as long as a woman does not tell me that she has interest in me, there is no interest in me. So I always feigned absolute ignorance.
But then one night we texted about new work opportunities and she started to write about how she would like to work at fetlife. Now I realized instantly that she was not the innocent girl that I took her for and I got insanely curious.
The texts became more and more specific to the point where we both admitted that we found each other attractive the second we saw us at the hotel in Berlin.
She hit exactly my type again.
I saw a new hookup potential here that I wanted to take so I asked quite frankly if she was more the sub or dom type. She replied that she was more the sub type which was like a punch in the face at first. I was just having that "funny situtation smiling" and telling myself "ah dang".
When I told her a bit about my sub/maso habits she opened up that she was more or less forced into the sub role at times and would love to indulge more in the other experience with me.
Jackpot! I told her that she can do whatever she liked with me, go completely crazy on me however she wished for.
One other thing: Guess who also already spent some time with her. Also sexually. That's right! Matt! Here he is again. Was good seeing him again because I kind of lost sight of him for a good while since I left the company.
Well, it happened, what had to happen. I met with Katarina and Matt for the first time after a long while. We both went to some little water hole and hung around the entire night there. I noticed quickly that Katarina is everything but that shy and reserved girl I had in my mind. I have never ever met a girl like her. It was like seeing a sparkling star right in front of your eyes after years of darkness. She spoke about her political side, about her life and everything really. She was so crazy and it attracted me so much.
The first night together was with matt and her. When I was at her place she offered me a drink which I gladly took to be able to talk because of my social anxiety.
I became very open and later we laid on the couch kissing and me lying in her arms. It was pure bliss and one of those moments that I really enjoyed in my life.
When we both slept in her bed with her in the middle and I woke up I realized that matt has been feeling her up quite a bit. In that moment I was absolutely unsure how to act now until I realized that she wanted me to join in as well which I did.
Well, I have always asked myself if I might be bisexual as I never had issues cuddling with men or anything, after he tried to go into her and I accidentally touched his... thing I now finally got the answer to my question. I was fully hetereo and I felt so insanely nasty after that. I told him to make her climax and went to shower. Never will I ever try another threesome when its two men and one woman.
It had no impact on the relationship with those two whatsoever, though. It was only a realization. The second I see another men down there it's over for me.
I became very open and later we laid on the couch kissing and me lying in her arms. It was pure bliss and one of those moments that I really enjoyed in my life.
When we both slept in her bed with her in the middle and I woke up I realized that matt has been feeling her up quite a bit. In that moment I was absolutely unsure how to act now until I realized that she wanted me to join in as well which I did.
Well, I have always asked myself if I might be bisexual as I never had issues cuddling with men or anything, after he tried to go into her and I accidentally touched his... thing I now finally got the answer to my question. I was fully hetereo and I felt so insanely nasty after that. I told him to make her climax and went to shower. Never will I ever try another threesome when its two men and one woman.
It had no impact on the relationship with those two whatsoever, though. It was only a realization. The second I see another men down there it's over for me.
With that we met a few times again and also at my place. One of those nights she laid in my bed and just pushed me down. Getting on top of me and my body apparently granted me to be somewhat working for this occasion.
She is so very much my type and we had a beautiful moment going there.
She is so very much my type and we had a beautiful moment going there.
We both started off with the premise that there should be no romantical feelings whatsoever. This came from her side, mind you!
And it was very very welcomed for me as I also had no other intentions other than being friends with benefits.
But then one night she suddenly started talking that she might could have a crush on me. That was my breaking point. I had to turn down several girls in one year that all somehow got a crush on me although I was completely and unmistakably clear in my intentions from the very start with everyone. Yet, I still got into those situations every single time.
It hurts so much to turn down someone and then having to explain to them the story of Diana and me, and my philophobia.
I just broke out into tears at this moment.
Now. She got me in a very very good moment. I was weak, crying my eyes out in her arms and telling her the traumtic experiences I had so far with relationships.
Maybe I feel way too much about all of this but I personally feel like she took advantage of me here now.
She assured me that this relationship does not need to have any meaning and that it is just for fun. That we only do it to enjoy ourselves and afterwards we can still have the same fun we had before the relationship.
I just wanted the pain to stop. I gaslighted myself into thinking that I could trick my brain by not seeing this as a "real" relationship. At first that worked, especially, since she recommended a polyrelationship with matt.
Because we were both together with her my mind never fully accepted the bonding with her. But then the catastrophy did appear. They seperated... because he felt like he got way less attention than I got from her. Is that true? No idea. Could be, could be not. I was not able to view this from his eyes.
But yeah they seperated and I was together with Katarina alone now. And that was the absolute game over. The "asshole-syndrome" kicked in again completely. I started to love bomb her with all I got. We worked together in the same room, slept together. She stayed multiple weeks here with her cat. (which she was finally able to cure my cat phobia with).
And also indulged in
She was the first girl that managed to actually reach the absolute limits of my intense masochism.
We did so much stuff and I already got multiple scars from her on me. Even right now I got the first letter of her Name completely ripped into my back that she carved in with her finger nail.
She slapped me with all her might and let out her intense hatred of men and the patriarchy. It was such an intense and blissful feeling.
She put me into multiple different holds and made me feel a whole new world of happiness. I was able to suspend the never stopping sadness so well while she was around me and I felt the pain she inflicted on me. That was probably the first time I felt true happiness.
One thing she tried that completely overwhelmed me though was trying to hurt me in the... lower area. That pain was too much for me apparently and my mind went completely into a panic pleading her to not do it. She obviously listened to the safe word we both made up and that was the end of that. I would probably still like to try that on another day but yeah not now.
We did so much stuff and I already got multiple scars from her on me. Even right now I got the first letter of her Name completely ripped into my back that she carved in with her finger nail.
She slapped me with all her might and let out her intense hatred of men and the patriarchy. It was such an intense and blissful feeling.
She put me into multiple different holds and made me feel a whole new world of happiness. I was able to suspend the never stopping sadness so well while she was around me and I felt the pain she inflicted on me. That was probably the first time I felt true happiness.
One thing she tried that completely overwhelmed me though was trying to hurt me in the... lower area. That pain was too much for me apparently and my mind went completely into a panic pleading her to not do it. She obviously listened to the safe word we both made up and that was the end of that. I would probably still like to try that on another day but yeah not now.
We had a ton of fun until the second phase inevitably kicked in again. During mid-january It all began again. The usual weariness, the feeling annoyed and all of the other symptoms.
I suffered again into February, 3 days before valentines day.
I went to her place and told her that what I prophesized happened.
I did notice that her affection towards me also dropped beforehand.
She told me that she herself wanted to end the relationship on the day she was at my place before Matt picked her up from here but didnt manage to.
So what I write now might be a bit emotionally charged. I feel myself already getting worked up about what I am writing right now. So take it with a grain of salt especially since it's only my perspective of things:
This is pretty much the moment where bad turned into hell.
So, Matt and Katarina live together now. To save on rent and because Matt always wanted to have a roommate. He only moved into his new apartment for 3 month before moving out again to live with her.
I did not have the choice as my workplace was way too far from her space so I was somewhat landbound, let alone I am not even sure if she would have wanted me.
But yeah. When he moved in, in january/februrary I noticed that she swinged back to him. And I mean hardly back to him.
Apparently now that she was not lonely she did not require me anymore and after the time with us ended all the texts I sent her, all the Reels we used to send each other and everything turned into a one sided conversation.
This did not help with my rebound in any way. I felt the rebound from Silke and Katarina combined now and I was absolutely and in no way prepared for what was about to happen.
I went completely into grief mode, becoming impulsive and irrational again. It was almost as bad as with Diana back in the days.
Her talks of keeping going afterwards was not fulfilled and I could not suppress the rebound. I got no more pain to suppress the sadness inside my body and it all rushed back into me combined with the aforementioned rebound that I managed to suppress away through the year of hookups.
I am so, so, so incredibly stupid to think that I could have escaped the fate of any relationship I start. I should have never ever let her sweettalk me into this shit. And now I am currently still in the phase of having to come out of the rebound. I am still emotionally charged which is why I will not CTB until I am fully clear of mind again.
I expect that to be in the next 3-4 Months.
The only merit to all of this is that I already know the procedure and can fight against it. I forced myself out of the home. Went with friends. Fought actively against feeling that way.
Forced myself to cry to vent out the excess sadness. Every time I cry, I become more stable afterwards.
I did some irrational decision during the 10 Minutes where the sadness overtook my brain completely. Luckily nothing too severe, but embarassing afterwards nonetheless.
I would love to clearly tell her to go fuck off for what she did to me, but I can't hate her for something that I myself am. There is nobody to blame but myself.
Also I know that my view on this will change when I get more sane in mind again and I would very much like to not put myself on a bad foot with her as I do still like her in some regards.
I should not have relied on the hope that after the relationship I could recieve what I need to suppress the rebound.
I met with Katarina again once at her place on the 5th of March where I assured her that all is good with me, that I am more sane again in my brain after changing my style from emo to more bright colors and getting rid of my shoulder long hair and going for a wet look with my hair. (This also gave my fragile ego an immense boost as I got a lot of compliments for that. Helps to have somewhat won in the genetic lottery when you have lost completely in the mental one).
This was a blatant lie to be real honest with you. Yes, the rebound has simmered down a tiny bit. But definitely not to a point where I would say I am fine in any way.
For her it all seemed like everything is normal and asked me if I would join the birthday of a friend of ours and sleep over at her place afterwards.
I agreed and on the next day the 6th of march we went to the local "Zecken-schanze"(as left wingers like to call establishments that are clearly left leaning) to celebrate his birthday.
She drank quite a lot again and expressed her desire deep into the evening to let herself out on us both when we get back to her place.
And that actually happened:
This was a blatant lie to be real honest with you. Yes, the rebound has simmered down a tiny bit. But definitely not to a point where I would say I am fine in any way.
For her it all seemed like everything is normal and asked me if I would join the birthday of a friend of ours and sleep over at her place afterwards.
I agreed and on the next day the 6th of march we went to the local "Zecken-schanze"(as left wingers like to call establishments that are clearly left leaning) to celebrate his birthday.
She drank quite a lot again and expressed her desire deep into the evening to let herself out on us both when we get back to her place.
And that actually happened:
She completely dominated the both of us when we went to her place.
I got the first letter of her name carved deeply into me, she bit me and then kissed me. Put me into holds and whatever else. It was such a nice treatment.
But I noticed something was off during the entire interaction. She significantly preferred Matt.
Heck I don't just think that way. She said herself that he has "roommate benefits" and therefore preferable treatment in every way even telling me to move away from the space next to her as Matt should sleep there.
In that moment it only hit me a little bit because I was so in trance from the feeling she gave me but it kind of mixed together and gave me a new feeling I have not felt before.I would call it "Melancholic Pleasure" because of a lack of a better word. I was enjoying the treatment a lot but at the same time did not have the same shutoff of the sadness feeling I carry.
Quite the contrary. Somehow the pain combined with the sadness. Pleasure and despair mixed together into a feeling I can not in any way express.
I felt like a rejected dog whose owner has given up on.
I got the first letter of her name carved deeply into me, she bit me and then kissed me. Put me into holds and whatever else. It was such a nice treatment.
But I noticed something was off during the entire interaction. She significantly preferred Matt.
Heck I don't just think that way. She said herself that he has "roommate benefits" and therefore preferable treatment in every way even telling me to move away from the space next to her as Matt should sleep there.
In that moment it only hit me a little bit because I was so in trance from the feeling she gave me but it kind of mixed together and gave me a new feeling I have not felt before.I would call it "Melancholic Pleasure" because of a lack of a better word. I was enjoying the treatment a lot but at the same time did not have the same shutoff of the sadness feeling I carry.
Quite the contrary. Somehow the pain combined with the sadness. Pleasure and despair mixed together into a feeling I can not in any way express.
I felt like a rejected dog whose owner has given up on.
If I die it should clearly come from my soul.
The ever present sadness and desire to not wake up will not go away, I know that, but I don't want to exit because I am still stuck in the rebound.
I refuse to exit because of a relationship.
When I exit then only when I know that I do this out of my own clear volatition. That I do this because of the ever present tiredness of life.
I am currently sane enough to know that I am not sane at all.
Well phew!
That was a lot to write.
Man, am I glad I did this. Writing my live story down helped a lot with coping with my current situtation.
Reliving a lot of aspects in my life, thinking about what happened in that specific segment as objectively as I can. Thank you for reading all of this, if you read it ;)
You all now know more about me than any of my friends! :D Congratulations! It is so easy to be open with people you know, you will probably never meet in your life.
You know my entire life story up to this very moment right here. A story filled with some good and a lot of sad moments.
And especially the red thread of that one specific feeling that slithered through every chapter of my life since I was 13.
As much as, for example, Homosexuals or Transsexuals are born with their "condition", I was born with this.
It awakened later in life and it is nothing one can cure as it is not a sickness. Some people are meant to exit and not to have been born at all.
I am one of them.
I will now try to collect my thoughts and follow up this diary entry with another one where I outline how I would like to CTB ^^
I hope I will be able to find true happiness very soon.
Cheers! And have a wonderful night everyone!
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