my desire to CTB is making my day to day life insufferable

[TheHolySword]

Every minor inconvenience makes me want to kill myself even more. I lost access to one of my main emails briefly and the first thought I had was how much I wanted to jump off a bridge. A couple hours later I was able to regain access so it didn't even matter. But I went into a spiral about it and couldn't stop thinking about everything wrong with me and my life. All over a dumb email that I still have access to. I just want out of this hell.

I have become so impatient and short with people in my life. I don't have the energy or time to really even be human anymore. I work in a people facing industry and I find myself getting frustrated easier, not as cheerful (it's all pretend anyways but it's harder to pretend). with coworkers i get tired of helping them and answering questions. i get exhausted just from doing the bare minimum at work. i hate listening to people talk, i hate their stories and pointless conversations, anytime anyone talks to me it's like nails on a chalkboard. i didn't use to be like this, i used to be a very people person and could talk and listen all day long. and now i have a headache whenever im around another person. the only thing i even care about anymore is the sweet release of death.

spending time with family has become a chore. i'm trying so hard to give them happy and loving memories in these last few months but it's so hard and it isn't even their fault. at every given moment i am thinking about killing myself, i cant escape it and it's making my life worse. i only have to live for a little bit longer but i am tired of living and being alive and having to pretend there's anything human left in me.

there's nothing i can enjoy in life anymore. all i do is wake up, go to work, come home and do nothing until it's time to sleep. on days i dont work i just lay in bed as long as i can, then i get up just to sit at my desk and dissociate with some show playing in the background. i dont watch movies, i dont play any games, i dont go outside, i dont do anything. it's killed my appetite, i cant even enjoy food anymore. i eat one meal a day just so i dont starve myself, its all my body will let me eat anyways. life is so worthless to me now, i haven't enjoyed anything in so long.

 

[before20]

I can relate all too well. I hope you can make it through this

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

Yeah I've been there before. Hang in there.

I'm too drugged up to feel much anymore, but I'm thinking a lot of the same things.

 

[cazza82]

Every minor inconvenience makes me want to kill myself even more. I lost access to one of my main emails briefly and the first thought I had was how much I wanted to jump off a bridge. A couple hours later I was able to regain access so it didn't even matter. But I went into a spiral about it and couldn't stop thinking about everything wrong with me and my life. All over a dumb email that I still have access to. I just want out of this hell.

I have become so impatient and short with people in my life. I don't have the energy or time to really even be human anymore. I work in a people facing industry and I find myself getting frustrated easier, not as cheerful (it's all pretend anyways but it's harder to pretend). with coworkers i get tired of helping them and answering questions. i get exhausted just from doing the bare minimum at work. i hate listening to people talk, i hate their stories and pointless conversations, anytime anyone talks to me it's like nails on a chalkboard. i didn't use to be like this, i used to be a very people person and could talk and listen all day long. and now i have a headache whenever im around another person. the only thing i even care about anymore is the sweet release of death.

spending time with family has become a chore. i'm trying so hard to give them happy and loving memories in these last few months but it's so hard and it isn't even their fault. at every given moment i am thinking about killing myself, i cant escape it and it's making my life worse. i only have to live for a little bit longer but i am tired of living and being alive and having to pretend there's anything human left in me.

there's nothing i can enjoy in life anymore. all i do is wake up, go to work, come home and do nothing until it's time to sleep. on days i dont work i just lay in bed as long as i can, then i get up just to sit at my desk and dissociate with some show playing in the background. i dont watch movies, i dont play any games, i dont go outside, i dont do anything. it's killed my appetite, i cant even enjoy food anymore. i eat one meal a day just so i dont starve myself, its all my body will let me eat anyways. life is so worthless to me now, i haven't enjoyed anything in so long.

I can relate I've lost so much weight due to not being able to eat due to my anxiety

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand just wanting to be free from it all, I also feel so tired, non-existence is all I hope for, I just want to fall asleep permanently. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[ClippedWings]

I'm right there with you. Once I resigned to suicide, everything stopped mattering and the days now feel like weeks. I'm just trying to stay focused on dying ASAP. No need to suffer more than necessary. I made a growing list of 24 bad things that cease when I do and it consols me. But yes, these days are miserable and long. Nothing to blunt the misery.