My Dad Was A P3do And My Mom's a Drunk

[GrievingPhantom]

My dad had my sister with my mom in order to molest her and had me to be his canary as he put it after they divorced and he was grooming the girls in the apartment complex I lived in with him for a year, it took him a while to tell me but we talked so much in depth and had a bond I can't believe ever broke but after visiting my mom for the holidays I started missing video games and junk food and left I have lived with my mom ever since started smoking weed a year later that's when I was 11 and now I am 20 years old and still live with my alcoholic early onset dementia mom who I love but holy fuck if she isn't the definition of an enabler and I fuck myself every step of the way cause I don't think I actually want to move out I have become agoraphobic and developed every addiction I could get my hands on except for alcohol I am a compulsive gambler now too and my sister just found out that my dad is still alive after all the drama that went down with her trying to get him a place to live after he fled the apartments because people definitely started talking without his canary around to feel the waters before his groomin'. worst part is I don't know what to believe because he told me that what I think could have happened would where you remember things as more negative over time like I was never molested I just got to witness it and he like 'brainwashed' me as my mom would say into thinking I am a pedophile and that's been burned into my psyche now which is the biggest reason I want to kill myself I ended up telling my sister all this recently which is why she was motivated to find out where he was idk if I want to talk to him it has been so long and I know he has been paranoid that I have told people this entire time even me typing this out right now is something he would have grounded me for 2 years for back in the day. Worst part IS that I am not really a victim in this story, I hear vietnam soldiers most often get PTSD from things THEY did... It fallows me everywhere for years to the point the past 7 8 months I finally said fuck the paranoia I am not my father and I don't need to keep his secrets as if they are my own anymore. This finally gave me the freedom to fight the voices telling me the only answer is to kill myself since I have decided that if the FBI was gonna tap me I wouldn't be the one they were after and they would just feel sorry for me, I feel sorry for myself but that makes me feel weak and that I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps. I haven't been able to process any of this trauma with anyone because of my swarn secrecy when I was 10 and 10 years later, I have become a directionless polly-addict that is way too much of a prodigy to leave this world, is that not a curse? If I were a normie like the rest, I'd have tied the noose by now, but I am cursed with the potential to break the generational cycle and do great things, but my ambition is also the #1 cause of my paranoia around this topic, I've come to realize I don't really want to be famous, just have enough people fallow me and listen to my music to make a difference and have a good bit of cash. If I am to get there I need to somehow get out of this hole though which I seem to only have the capacity to dig deeper into.

Do you guys think being born a pedophile is a reason good enough to end it?

I do, in a way. But I simply couldn't do that to my family, and thus I am powerless even in death.

R.I.P. X

 

[Aknu132]

My dad had my sister with my mom in order to molest her and had me to be his canary as he put it after they divorced and he was grooming the girls in the apartment complex I lived in with him for a year, it took him a while to tell me but we talked so much in depth and had a bond I can't believe ever broke but after visiting my mom for the holidays I started missing video games and junk food and left I have lived with my mom ever since started smoking weed a year later that's when I was 11 and now I am 20 years old and still live with my alcoholic early onset dementia mom who I love but holy fuck if she isn't the definition of an enabler and I fuck myself every step of the way cause I don't think I actually want to move out I have become agoraphobic and developed every addiction I could get my hands on except for alcohol I am a compulsive gambler now too and my sister just found out that my dad is still alive after all the drama that went down with her trying to get him a place to live after he fled the apartments because people definitely started talking without his canary around to feel the waters before his groomin'. worst part is I don't know what to believe because he told me that what I think could have happened would where you remember things as more negative over time like I was never molested I just got to witness it and he like 'brainwashed' me as my mom would say into thinking I am a pedophile and that's been burned into my psyche now which is the biggest reason I want to kill myself I ended up telling my sister all this recently which is why she was motivated to find out where he was idk if I want to talk to him it has been so long and I know he has been paranoid that I have told people this entire time even me typing this out right now is something he would have grounded me for 2 years for back in the day. Worst part IS that I am not really a victim in this story, I hear vietnam soldiers most often get PTSD from things THEY did... It fallows me everywhere for years to the point the past 7 8 months I finally said fuck the paranoia I am not my father and I don't need to keep his secrets as if they are my own anymore. This finally gave me the freedom to fight the voices telling me the only answer is to kill myself since I have decided that if the FBI was gonna tap me I wouldn't be the one they were after and they would just feel sorry for me, I feel sorry for myself but that makes me feel weak and that I should just pull myself up by my bootstraps. I haven't been able to process any of this trauma with anyone because of my swarn secrecy when I was 10 and 10 years later, I have become a directionless polly-addict that is way too much of a prodigy to leave this world, is that not a curse? If I were a normie like the rest, I'd have tied the noose by now, but I am cursed with the potential to break the generational cycle and do great things, but my ambition is also the #1 cause of my paranoia around this topic, I've come to realize I don't really want to be famous, just have enough people fallow me and listen to my music to make a difference and have a good bit of cash. If I am to get there I need to somehow get out of this hole though which I seem to only have the capacity to dig deeper into.

Do you guys think being born a pedophile is a reason good enough to end it?

I do, in a way. But I simply couldn't do that to my family, and thus I am powerless even in death.

R.I.P. X

You are not guilty bro, your Dad is, him and your mother put you and your sister in this fucked up situation.

 

[GrievingPhantom]

You are not guilty bro, your Dad is, him and your mother put you and your sister in this fucked up situation.

Thank you, my sister agrees and so do I tbh, its taken a long time for me to allow myself to think that since I haven't even talked about this in what little therapy I had in high school. I think the trauma is the biggest reason for my blaming myself ironically like it causes the addictions and the feeling lost and hopeless then I hate myself and blame myself when psychologically all of my problems are more than expected but that doesn't mean people haven't been through worse and turned out great people so I am not giving up hope and I hope you don't as well same goes to anyone else reading this thanks for your reply bro one love.

Edit: I also think the fact it's not my fault contributes a lot to my psyche I think that is a known phenomenon like rape victims or car crash survivors the fact you don't have any control and it isn't your fault makes you seek out any bad habit you can to feel in control, ironically a reason for my gambling habit which i learned is a common reason for gambling is wanting control which you literally have 0 of when you gamble other than like hit or stand lol thats very ironic to me.

Final edit: I mentioned car crash survivors and I literally survived a collision with a truck on an e-bike when I was 17 so that too probably contributed wanted to throw that in cause I just remembered I'm in that statistic lol, I def have CPTSD