My Dad said he wants to watch me CTB

[ECTatertot]

I've been suicidal and in and out of the hospital for about a year at this point. I speak very frankly with my family about my ideations and plans.
Yesterday, I told my father that I am going to CTB and that I have a day selected, although I didn't tell him which day it was. He told me that, as my father, he has the right to be there when I end my life.
I am very much opposed to this not only because him being there would increase my level of discomfort, but also because it is very likely that he would go to prison for not stepping in and saving me.
There is, however, a pretty good chance that he is planning on "saving" me after I pass out.
FYI: I am planning on hanging (partial suspension) myself Sunday morning after taking some Atarax to calm my nerves a bit.
Likely I will have to change my exit date to a day when no one else will be around for a few hours.

I'd just like to hear some input from y'all about this because I honestly never expected my Dad to give me permission to CTB as long as he was present.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Personally, I would not permit this.

First, killing a human being is a very tough thing to do. I would worry about what he might see, and how troubling that might be.
Second, he may try to intervene.
Third, this could have devastating legal consequences for him.

If you do ctb when he is not around, I would leave him a note explaining that you did not want him to face legal troubles or to remember you that way.

It's your decision, of course, but I would not allow such a thing.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Just curious, how old are you?

 

[Mr2005]

There is, however, a pretty good chance that he is planning on "saving" me after I pass out.

I should hope so or he's one fucked up individual

 

[Alec]

Wow, this is heavy. I think that maybe if you will find a way for him to have an alibi, to prove somehow that he wasn't with you when you ctb but simply found you, then maybe MAYBE he wouldn't be in danger from the police? But also, I really don't know. Thinking about myself and what I would do in this situation, from one side I feel I would want to have someone I love near me and by my side because dying is scary to me(even thought I don't really wanna admit it's scary). And maybe having a father I love by my side would make me feel safer and calmer? From another point, like people here have already said, there is a chance he might try to "save" me. But also it's true, seeing anyone die I can't imagine it to be pleasant, witnessing suicide is even worse than seeing someone just being killed or die on their own. Seeing your child kill themselves, I can't imagine, I literally can't imagine how he would act in that situation or I as a father would act. But at the same time you are saying you have a history of attempting, maybe he understands that you don't feel like you can be helped anymore and maybe he sees that nobody can't be able to save a person all the time when the person wants to kill themselves, so maybe he understands that if you keep trying early or later you will succeed. And maybe because of that he decided to accept it and just simply wants to be there for you? Maybe it's his way of making peace with this and saying goodbye? Maybe he needs this for closure? I think you need to talk to him, ask him why he wants to do this, what's his motivation for this. Discuss with him what it might mean for him afterwards with the police and if he's ready and prepared to face that. Discuss with him how witnessing such a thing might affect him personally on emotional and mental state. Ask him to be honest, be honest in return. Have a conversation, I know this sounds cliche but most of the shit in the world is because of poor communication and unwillingness to open up at least it is so in my opinion.
I wish you the best of luck, your story sounds like you've already been through a fucking horrible and traumatic life and events and I'm so sorry!!! You don't deserve it, and you don't deserve the pain you've been through. I love you I love you and I want to hug you so bad, to give you the bestest and the biggest hug ever in the world!!! Sending you all the kindness in the world!!!❤

 

[ECTatertot]

Just curious, how old are you?

25 I had to move back in with my parents after a couple attempts and the ECT this past year.

 

[Alec]

I should hope so or he's one fucked up individual

Don't judge people that you don't know, cmon, we are better than that.

 

[Mr2005]

^ Don't judge me then lmao

 

[Alec]

^ Don't judge me then lmao

My comment wasn't a judgment, it was a reminder. Also, let's not do this in the thread for something that's important to the OP, if you want to continue this conversation please DM me. At the same time I want to say, I'm sorry if I offended you or made you feel bad, it was not my intention, I have no bad thoughts about you or bad impressions of you. In fact I like you from your other posts. I'm sorry if it seemed like I'm attacking you, I didn't want that.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

25 I had to move back in with my parents after a couple attempts and the ECT this past year.

The reason I asked is that you said your father said he has a right to be there, and also that you were surprised he is giving you permission. Hence I thought you are either under 18 or living in a non-Western country. Please forgive my wariness, but I don't want to encourage ctb by engaging with someone who is underage.

That said, because you are ostensibly an adult, your father has no such right as he claims, neither to be present nor to give permission. It sounds like he is trying to be authoritative in order to persuade you to agree to his personal desire to have control in this situation, therefore I agree that this is cause for suspicion that he has an ulterior, unstated motive -- that is, to save you. I can't say that I blame him for bullshitting you, and it was a smooth parenting move, but far more effective on someone far younger. :)

 

[Worndown]

Possibly the most messed up thing I have heard.
There are no "rights" where this goes.
He is likely to save you.

 

[LonelyLight]

Of course he will try to save you. I strongly advise that you do not let him be with you if and when you decide to go.

 

[Oyoy]

I my wish my parents would be there for. me to end the misery they created.

 

[Biggie]

If you are uncomfortable with this, do not feel pressured into it because of what he wants to happen. You are an adult and can make your own decisions.
The whole premise of suicide and this forum is that it is pro-choice, it is YOUR decision - nobody else's.

I personally wouldn't grant this request for a number of reasons:
- I would feel incredibly uncomfortable doing such an act in the presence of somebody who doesn't share the same pro-choice mindset or understand that you coming to this conclusion isn't erractic and is a lot of thinking through, research and pain to get to that point of desperation.
- His survival instinct would kick in and he would intervene which could have mental and physical repercussions for you if you were to survive. You are his offspring after all.
- This could traumatise him. From speaking to my therapist and also thinking about how I would feel, watching someone die is extremely disturbing and would haunt him for the rest of his life. I think finding somebody or hearing the news is bad enough, but actually watching it would be a whole other story.
- I don't feel as though hanging is an appropriate method in the presence of another person. It can be dragged out and illustrates a lot of pain. Again, this could go terribly wrong if there was a complication that lead to you surviving but left you physically damaged in some form. I don't suppose your Dad is versed on how to safely handle such a situation either.
- This not a ceremony that should be taken lightly. I see it has a moment for you to leave this world and to do so as peacefully as possible. Having somebody else with me that I know loves me would cause me a lot of stress and upset. In that moment, I would just want to be calm.

A lot of good other points about lawsuits and prison above too by other replies.

This may be a strange question, but have you considered trying to watch a video of a suicide hanging of a random person to see how you feel or react? Just so you can get a feel for how your Dad would feel if he was to be there watching you. But magnified ten fold given the circumstances.

Those are just my thoughts, but I hope it helps.
How do your family react otherwise to you discussing your thoughts and plans?

 

[Mm80]

I should hope so or he's one fucked up individual

I'm sorry this shouldn't have made me laugh but it did for some reason. I think it's the raw honesty (which I admire BTW and us what I love about ss generally)

The reason I asked is that you said your father said he has a right to be there, and also that you were surprised he is giving you permission. Hence I thought you are either under 18 or living in a non-Western country. Please forgive my wariness, but I don't want to encourage ctb by engaging with someone who is underage.

That said, because you are ostensibly an adult, your father has no such right as he claims, neither to be present nor to give permission. It sounds like he is trying to be authoritative in order to persuade you to agree to his personal desire to have control in this situation, therefore I agree that this is cause for suspicion that he has an ulterior, unstated motive -- that is, to save you. I can't say that I blame him for bullshitting you, and it was a smooth parenting move, but far more effective on someone far younger. :)

Spot on as always, I thought straight away is it a test as he thinks op isn't serious or possibly reverse psychology?

 

[Steamm]

I should hope so or he's one fucked up individual

Thanks for the laught. I was in need

 

[wooden]

I should hope so or he's one fucked up individual

Pretty much all I can say

 

[Mm80]

Thanks for the laught. I was in need

I'm glad somebody else had this response as I felt terrible for laughing. It's just that many of us were thinking of the possible complex psychological reasons why a father would day this to his son and the legal implications.
Mr2005 just got straight to the point with probably what many peoples gut feeling is.

 

[crazy1]

That sounds slightly crazy, I definitely wouldn't let my dad watch me kill my self, pretty sure it would be illegal to stand there and watch you die anyway and who would want to do that, your dad should be trying to stop you from trying to kill your self surely.
I hope things turn out the way you want though.

 

[Final Escape]

Wow! I don't even know what to say. That's really weird.

 

[Mm80]

I've been suicidal and in and out of the hospital for about a year at this point. I speak very frankly with my family about my ideations and plans.
Yesterday, I told my father that I am going to CTB and that I have a day selected, although I didn't tell him which day it was. He told me that, as my father, he has the right to be there when I end my life.
I am very much opposed to this not only because him being there would increase my level of discomfort, but also because it is very likely that he would go to prison for not stepping in and saving me.
There is, however, a pretty good chance that he is planning on "saving" me after I pass out.
FYI: I am planning on hanging (partial suspension) myself Sunday morning after taking some Atarax to calm my nerves a bit.
Likely I will have to change my exit date to a day when no one else will be around for a few hours.

I'd just like to hear some input from y'all about this because I honestly never expected my Dad to give me permission to CTB as long as he was present.

Did he offer any in depth explanation of why he wanted to watch?

 

[Anon2662]

I definitely wouldn't.. the only reason I can think of that he would want to be there is to save you, so it depends if you want to be saved. I want to go out alone.. also hate the idea of any family member getting in trouble when I ctb..

 

[Throwmyselfaway]

That seems odd to me that your dad wants to watch. My guess is once you start he will step in and have you committed. But if he legit wants to watch and he didn't step in he could end up in prison. Unless someone is gonna ctb with me, I wouldn't want someone else around.

 

[HadEnough1974]

I've been suicidal and in and out of the hospital for about a year at this point. I speak very frankly with my family about my ideations and plans.
Yesterday, I told my father that I am going to CTB and that I have a day selected, although I didn't tell him which day it was. He told me that, as my father, he has the right to be there when I end my life.
I am very much opposed to this not only because him being there would increase my level of discomfort, but also because it is very likely that he would go to prison for not stepping in and saving me.
There is, however, a pretty good chance that he is planning on "saving" me after I pass out.
FYI: I am planning on hanging (partial suspension) myself Sunday morning after taking some Atarax to calm my nerves a bit.
Likely I will have to change my exit date to a day when no one else will be around for a few hours.

I'd just like to hear some input from y'all about this because I honestly never expected my Dad to give me permission to CTB as long as he was present.

Wow that is truly awesome.

It reminded me about when I told my father that I'm gay. He was very supportive, not at all what I was expecting. I was pleasantly surprised.

The discomfort came when he asked me if I'm the man or the woman in the relationship.

Oh boy, I had to explain stuff to him. Anyways, your father is awesome. I wish you well.

 

[autumnal]

[...]
He told me that, as my father, he has the right to be there when I end my life.
[...]

[...]
It reminded me about when I told my father that I'm gay. He was very supportive, not at all what I was expecting. I was pleasantly surprised.

The discomfort came when he asked me if I'm the man or the woman in the relationship.

Oh boy, I had to explain stuff to him. Anyways, your father is awesome. I wish you well.

Oh thank god, for a minute I thought you were telling your story because, as your father, he insisted on watching you have gay sex!

 

[s1mplem3]

Sounds suspicious to me.

 

[rntmss]

Yeah, nothing about this sounds OK.

 

[HadEnough1974]

Oh thank god, for a minute I thought you were telling your story because, as your father, he insisted on watching you have gay sex!

@autumnal I'm sure you weren't the only person who thought that. The setup was perfect ;)

 

[ctbUniquectb]

First, killing a human being is a very tough thing to do.

This. The Army had really serious problems getting troops to pop the enemy in WWII from having trained on bulls eye targets. It went away from switching to cut outs that looks like humans. Who knew: survival instinct and respect for the species go hand in hand.

 

[HadEnough1974]

This. The Army had really serious problems getting troops to pop the enemy in WWII from having trained on bulls eye targets. It went away from switching to cut outs that looks like humans. Who knew: survival instinct and respect for the species go hand in hand.

The nazis had no problem killing people. A little bit of hatred goes a long way.

I suppose if you hate yourself enough it's easier to kill yourself. Just my 2 cents.