Venting My dad doesn’t know he gives me more courage to do it everyday.

[trudeaufox]

Originally, I was going to write a whole vent paragraph about this, but I feel pathetic either way. I can only say, I feel like i'm at the end of my route in life. I always said to myself I don't wanna live to 20. I'm 19 now, turning 20 in under 6 months. And everything is giving me a sign to finally pass. My family, (All credit to my dad) my dying relationship, the fact I can no longer make friends and keep new friends, how much I embarrassed myself at my job, how I am in general as a person. Right now, as everyone else the only thing that's holding me back is of course the instinct for survival and my lack of knowledge of loading a hand gun. But with how things are going right now, I know they won't get better. I already see myself in a couple of weeks or hopefully days finally going into my Dad's closet and shooting myself. I wanted to be a little nice and do it outside in the woods so he won't have to be burden with the costs of cleaning, but he's one of the main reasons i'm being pushed into this mindset. But also because I hate being an adult, and I miss the past so much. I hate where I am right now, and nostalgia constantly burdens me on top of relationship issues. There's so much more I wanna say, but I also don't see a point. Because of my Dad, I feel like a burden for even asking for a shoulder to cry on.