Venting my current miserable situation brings me joy, it feels deserved.

[Homulily]

is it because of body image, or do you just not want to be with people physically? It might be time to rethink romantic relationships as a whole if you actually aren't enjoying sex.
i once tried pushing my husband out of his comfort zone, and never again. He's a decent human being and I want him that way. So I just hide my sick wants, lol.
i know you don't want healthy pain, I'm just trying to offer it up as Pain Light.
idk what's up with not sending your message, i don't really have much experience with threads of my own. maybe if you try it as a comment, not a reply? Irdk.

I really want to be with people physically, I want cuddling and like, having my hand held, being held in general.
but I don't feel deserving of these things, I feel guilty about wanting them, since that would mean someone has to be in contact with me physically and i'm a bad person.
i really like physical affection, I like it a lot, just lewd things make me uncomfortable and anxious, i often get yelled at in those sorts of situations. the last time i slept with my ex in a lewd way she ended up shaming me and guilting me a lot. thinking about being in those sorts of situations just makes me feel awful.

 

[Aisley]

This might actually require professional therapy. Not liking sex happens enough I guess. But it's a sad thing to see. If you see youself as worthless, then how can you saddle someone with yourself? And you won't believe it coming from me, but you deserve happiness, cuddles and being held. There's such a thing as cuddle therapy, but that does nothing if you don't think you deserve it. Have you ever received therapy?
Btw, I've known bad people. Like actual bad people, and one thing they had in common is they didn't think they were bad people, didn't lose any sleep or meals or love over that question. You're not one of them, for what it's worth.

 

[Homulily]

This might actually require professional therapy. Not liking sex happens enough I guess. But it's a sad thing to see. If you see youself as worthless, then how can you saddle someone with yourself? And you won't believe it coming from me, but you deserve happiness, cuddles and being held. There's such a thing as cuddle therapy, but that does nothing if you don't think you deserve it. Have you ever received therapy?
Btw, I've known bad people. Like actual bad people, and one thing they had in common is they didn't think they were bad people, didn't lose any sleep or meals or love over that question. You're not one of them, for what it's worth.

I have had therapy before but I don't want to go back.
I don't want to bother someone's time or have someone try to get in my way when I eventually try to ctb. I have plans and a method.
I have more reasons beyond just the relationship stuff for wanting to ctb. It's just one issue ontop of many more. To sleep to go into them all and I don't want to open up about some of the others for now.
Going to go to sleep. Will be on tomorrow

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I really want to be with people physically, I want cuddling and like, having my hand held, being held in general.
but I don't feel deserving of these things, I feel guilty about wanting them, since that would mean someone has to be in contact with me physically and i'm a bad person.
i really like physical affection, I like it a lot, just lewd things make me uncomfortable and anxious, i often get yelled at in those sorts of situations. the last time i slept with my ex in a lewd way she ended up shaming me and guilting me a lot. thinking about being in those sorts of situations just makes me feel awful.

You said your friends stopped to your ex because she was abusing you and then you feel you feel guilty for wanting them … Go and get therapy please and I hope the therapist can work with you on these issues.

I have never feel guilty in my life over a relationship, men or anything romantic relationship.

I hope you find peace.

Good luck