Venting my current miserable situation brings me joy, it feels deserved.

[Homulily]

i posted this in the eating disorder megathread but nobody responded and I was kinda hoping for at least like, one response or someone who maybe understands i dunno. so im posting it as its own post instead of being a reply, I hope thats okay, if its against the rules (i checked the rules and I don't think it is? but I could be wrong, im sorry if im wrong, feel free to tell me it is and i'll delete the post)

I've had a eating disorder for around 6-8 years (i forget when exactly I got it, it was a very gradual thing at first, sorry I don't know the specific year)
I got mine through insecurities about being good enough for my partner at the time.
From there it slowly started to grow into what it is now. I have anorexia.
I am not in recovery for it, im not going to be posting pro-ana stuff even though im not in recovery I just wanted to talk about mine and how it fucks with me.
we on the same page?
good.
I have very strong co-dependent tendencies.
anyways.
little bit of context I am a women who is into women
I have never felt good enough for any of my partners. and with every additional relationship that failed my insecurities and my eating disorder became worse. I'm not going into specifics or the causes for it, thinking about it too much makes me feel really anxious.
One of my previous relationships fueled it. (not the example im going to be talking about)
they would tell me to starve myself for affection, they would tell me to throw up after I ate anything. whenever I messed up they told me things that I still read over sometimes if I want to motivate myself to lose more weight.
because to me its all true they didn't say anything that was wrong.
now.
Im going to be using my most recent relationship and the most important to me as an example for how my ed affected it.
I was convinced she was going to be the one. I had bought a ring, we were together for around 3 years.
at first she really helped to fight my ed. the first time we kissed was because I was really anxious about going to eat together, so she kissed me to try to make me feel less anxious, I felt so happy, even now thinking about it I feel giddy because like, up to that point, I had believed that eating at all made me completely undeserving of affection, she knew this I told her about my eating disorder, so to see her try to prove the opposite made me feel special and like, really cared about.
overtime she started to lose interest in me, and treated eating very differently around me.
My dumb brain took these as connected and ran with it and I became convinced and I am still convinced that I needed to lose weight for her, I want to lose weight for her now, I want to show her I can be good enough for her affection again. I dont mind that she threw me aside to persue a different girl within a week of breaking up from me. it really hurts but I don't mind being hurt by her she could hurt me and sometimes has and I still dont mind at all.
she never physically hit me or anything her insults were verbal and always ruined my day because well, I love her.
she got mad at me once for not being able to pick out a restaurant to go to because im scared of food, she got really mad at me and told me that her ex who was toxic did the same thing and I felt awful I didn't want to be like her bad ex. I picked out a place and we ate but I felt horrible I felt so fucking anxious. I didn't want to remind her of her bad ex I wanted to be good. I really wanted to be good so I did my best and she didn't seem happy and that made me feel worse and I just
i made myself throw up after eating it feels like that was suppose to be a test that I failed, that I should of answered that I didn't want to eat and then she would of been happy, thats what I tell myself at least. I know i shouldn't be so anxious about this even thinking back to it but thinking back to it makes me feel like there is something standing on my lungs. this year when I vented to her about how im relaxing she just replied with "okay :)" and started talking about how shes focusing on herself more lately which
im happy for her, i really am, she could of just told me she couldn't handle that right now or something.
maybe im being too selfish thats probably the case so I decided to never talk about my eating disorder to anyone I date again I don't want to bother them.
I want to fix myself to look like the girl shes into.
I want her to be nice to me again she use to be so thoughtful, just, little actions that weren't hard to do, like, just holding my hand a little if she saw I was anxious eating like she use to do.
that made me so happy when she would do that.
but she lost intrest. probably because she realized I need to be losing weight, I really need be losing weight.or she coulnd't deal with me anymore.
she told me she never actually had romantic feelings for me when we broke up.
I want to be hers again I want her to actually love me this time I'll show her i can be good enough to be with, I wont even think about proposing to her, she knew I wanted to propose, I never actually did because of how she reacted and how she treated me after she knew, she mocked me a few times for it, I know not to think about doing it again, I want to be forgiven for fucking it all up and to actually be a good partner for her.
I sometimes fantasize about her telling me to starve myself. or i edited messages to make it look like she was telling me to.
I
i love her so much she could treat me awfully and I still would. I know I need to be abused i dont care.
I want her back so much.
I hate myself so much for eating in front of her before. in the moment she would tell me she was proud but I know it was probably a test to see if i was actually good enough to be loved. a test i failed. I know I did.
Im happy I have my eating disorder.
im happy im really scared of being around food, Im happy I know what I need to do to be good enough for affection. I just want her back.
im really happy I have my eating disorder. im going to continue losing weight for her. to try to show her im sorry and to apologize for being a bad partner to her, the fact she was with me for 3 years without holding any romantic feelings for me, I must of been a fucking awful partner. I must of been the worst, I thought I was good because i thought I made her happy but now I know. I want to sh after thinking about all this I need to punish myself for failing her.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I'm sorry to read your story because it sounds like a lot and I had to go and re-read some parts.. 3 years of putting up with that? And why would you want to be with someone that will be pursuing someone else within a week of breaking up with you and how did you even find out about that? . If she was mocking you after being with you for 3 years then you have clearly dodged a bullet …

How did she even edit messages ??? Can you even do that ??? I know that's now available on what's app and it was made available recently...
Why would someone stay with someone and be with someone for 3 years if they didn't have romantic feelings for them ?! ( it's a lie or sue is trying to convince herself that) ahahaha..

And also my question is who pursued who like who approached who first ? Was it you or was it her?? Please forget her and in no time you will find someone but I hope you will heal from the pain you got from this relationship…. Her mocking you? I bet she wouldn't have the guts to do it in your face and that clearly shows the coward that she is.

As for holding hands did she hold your hands or was it you trying to hold her hands??

I have always heard my ex's did this but none of them would dare to do it to my face because they are cowards.

 

[Homulily]

I'm sorry to read your story because it sounds like a lot and I had to go and re-read some parts.. 3 years of putting up with that? And why would you want to be with someone that will be pursuing someone else within a week of breaking up with you and how did you even find out about that? . If she was mocking you after being with you for 3 years then you have clearly dodged a bullet …

How did she even edit messages ??? Can you even do that ??? I know that's now available on what's app and it was made available recently...
Why would someone stay with someone and be with someone for 3 years if they didn't have romantic feelings for them ?! ( it's a lie or sue is trying to convince herself that) ahahaha..

And also my question is who pursued who like who approached who first ? Was it you or was it her?? Please forget her and in no time you will find someone but I hope you will heal from the pain you got from this relationship…. Her mocking you? I bet she wouldn't have the guts to do it in your face and that clearly shows the coward that she is.

As for holding hands did she hold your hands or was it you trying to hold her hands??

I have always heard my ex's did this but none of them would dare to do it to my face because they are cowards.

I didn't mind that she was mean to me, I was in a few really bad relationships so the fact she showed me kindness sometimes made me really happy and feel loved even if the majority of the time she was mean to me. the meanness felt deserved, it felt like I did something wrong so I never questioned it when she got mad at me.
I found out that she was trying to be with someone else a week after breaking up with me, because she would vent to me about it, she told me all about how much it hurt to not have something work out and to be rejected, as if I didn't know that already, it felt like she was rubbing salt into my wound.

she didn't edit messages. I edited messages to make it look like she sent me them after she broke up with me, for motivation to push me further down my path, she never knew I did this, I did this mainly as an act of self harm.
i wanted to continue to pursue her because I loved her still, before she broke up with me, I was planning on proposing to her, I even bought a ring.
plus her pursuit of a new partner felt as if it was like one big continued mental breakdown, it didn't feel like her it felt like someone different, i thought if I could just break through her, she would realize what she was doing, she burned so many bridges with people in persuit of this girl who didn't care about her.

she did mock me to my face a few times, in person, a lot of the times she was the meanest to me was in person.
sometimes she'd tell me to leave the hotel room even if I was minding my buisness and intoxicated, I didn't like having to leave the room. she'd use not sharing a bed sometimes as punishment too if I made too many mistakes that day or if she was annoyed with me.
we went to disney before, and after it, she was really mad at me so she made me sleep in a seperate bed. when we were in vegas, I messed up again and she didn't want me to sleep on the bed with her, but there was only one bed so I slept on the ground.

She approached me first, we were both artists and she liked my artwork. from there we started talking and I fell in love with her, and after a few months we started dating.
as for holding hands, she held my hand first, I was too nervous to start physical contact with her, since most times she would get mad at me for touching her. so when she held my hand I was very happy and couldn't help but to make a happy noise. it bothered her a lot and she was mad at me for the rest of the day.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

Huh why did you edit messages like she sent them ?? I have never heard of anything like that oh gosh this sounds all too crazy for me.

How did she burn too many bridges for a girl that didn't care about her ???

When you spoke to her about it what did she say?? ( I mean about her burning too many bridges for a girl that didn't care about her)

 

[Homulily]

Huh why did you edit messages like she sent them ?? I have never heard of anything like that oh gosh this sounds all too crazy for me.

How did she burn too many bridges for a girl that didn't care about her ???

When you spoke to her about it what did she say?? ( I mean about her burning too many bridges for a girl that didn't care about her)

I edited messages to make it look like she sent them to fuel my self loathing, I do it as a form of self harm, not physically but reading the messages does fuel my physical self harm. seeing messages that look like she sent them, telling me I need to starve myself to be good enough to be loved, seeing messages telling me I need to cut more in order to be forgiven for the things I did wrong.
its very motivating for me.

She burned a lot of bridges because when friends we shared found out how she treated me, and why she broke up with me, they stopped talking to her.
when I confronted her about it, that I was worried about her, that I cared a lot about her and I could see how her chasing after a girl who didn't care about her at all was destroying her.
she blocked me on every platform we shared. she didn't say anything to me.

 

[The anhedonic one]

i posted this in the eating disorder megathread but nobody responded and I was kinda hoping for at least like, one response or someone who maybe understands i dunno. so im posting it as its own post instead of being a reply, I hope thats okay, if its against the rules (i checked the rules and I don't think it is? but I could be wrong, im sorry if im wrong, feel free to tell me it is and i'll delete the post)

I've had a eating disorder for around 6-8 years (i forget when exactly I got it, it was a very gradual thing at first, sorry I don't know the specific year)
I got mine through insecurities about being good enough for my partner at the time.
From there it slowly started to grow into what it is now. I have anorexia.
I am not in recovery for it, im not going to be posting pro-ana stuff even though im not in recovery I just wanted to talk about mine and how it fucks with me.
we on the same page?
good.
I have very strong co-dependent tendencies.
anyways.
little bit of context I am a women who is into women
I have never felt good enough for any of my partners. and with every additional relationship that failed my insecurities and my eating disorder became worse. I'm not going into specifics or the causes for it, thinking about it too much makes me feel really anxious.
One of my previous relationships fueled it. (not the example im going to be talking about)
they would tell me to starve myself for affection, they would tell me to throw up after I ate anything. whenever I messed up they told me things that I still read over sometimes if I want to motivate myself to lose more weight.
because to me its all true they didn't say anything that was wrong.
now.
Im going to be using my most recent relationship and the most important to me as an example for how my ed affected it.
I was convinced she was going to be the one. I had bought a ring, we were together for around 3 years.
at first she really helped to fight my ed. the first time we kissed was because I was really anxious about going to eat together, so she kissed me to try to make me feel less anxious, I felt so happy, even now thinking about it I feel giddy because like, up to that point, I had believed that eating at all made me completely undeserving of affection, she knew this I told her about my eating disorder, so to see her try to prove the opposite made me feel special and like, really cared about.
overtime she started to lose interest in me, and treated eating very differently around me.
My dumb brain took these as connected and ran with it and I became convinced and I am still convinced that I needed to lose weight for her, I want to lose weight for her now, I want to show her I can be good enough for her affection again. I dont mind that she threw me aside to persue a different girl within a week of breaking up from me. it really hurts but I don't mind being hurt by her she could hurt me and sometimes has and I still dont mind at all.
she never physically hit me or anything her insults were verbal and always ruined my day because well, I love her.
she got mad at me once for not being able to pick out a restaurant to go to because im scared of food, she got really mad at me and told me that her ex who was toxic did the same thing and I felt awful I didn't want to be like her bad ex. I picked out a place and we ate but I felt horrible I felt so fucking anxious. I didn't want to remind her of her bad ex I wanted to be good. I really wanted to be good so I did my best and she didn't seem happy and that made me feel worse and I just
i made myself throw up after eating it feels like that was suppose to be a test that I failed, that I should of answered that I didn't want to eat and then she would of been happy, thats what I tell myself at least. I know i shouldn't be so anxious about this even thinking back to it but thinking back to it makes me feel like there is something standing on my lungs. this year when I vented to her about how im relaxing she just replied with "okay :)" and started talking about how shes focusing on herself more lately which
im happy for her, i really am, she could of just told me she couldn't handle that right now or something.
maybe im being too selfish thats probably the case so I decided to never talk about my eating disorder to anyone I date again I don't want to bother them.
I want to fix myself to look like the girl shes into.
I want her to be nice to me again she use to be so thoughtful, just, little actions that weren't hard to do, like, just holding my hand a little if she saw I was anxious eating like she use to do.
that made me so happy when she would do that.
but she lost intrest. probably because she realized I need to be losing weight, I really need be losing weight.or she coulnd't deal with me anymore.
she told me she never actually had romantic feelings for me when we broke up.
I want to be hers again I want her to actually love me this time I'll show her i can be good enough to be with, I wont even think about proposing to her, she knew I wanted to propose, I never actually did because of how she reacted and how she treated me after she knew, she mocked me a few times for it, I know not to think about doing it again, I want to be forgiven for fucking it all up and to actually be a good partner for her.
I sometimes fantasize about her telling me to starve myself. or i edited messages to make it look like she was telling me to.
I
i love her so much she could treat me awfully and I still would. I know I need to be abused i dont care.
I want her back so much.
I hate myself so much for eating in front of her before. in the moment she would tell me she was proud but I know it was probably a test to see if i was actually good enough to be loved. a test i failed. I know I did.
Im happy I have my eating disorder.
im happy im really scared of being around food, Im happy I know what I need to do to be good enough for affection. I just want her back.
im really happy I have my eating disorder. im going to continue losing weight for her. to try to show her im sorry and to apologize for being a bad partner to her, the fact she was with me for 3 years without holding any romantic feelings for me, I must of been a fucking awful partner. I must of been the worst, I thought I was good because i thought I made her happy but now I know. I want to sh after thinking about all this I need to punish myself for failing her.

So sorry you are going through this, but none of this is your fault.
A truly loving partner would have accepted you just the way you are.
It's called unconditional love.
I really wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

 

[Homulily]

So sorry you are going through this, but none of this is your fault.
A truly loving partner would have accepted you just the way you are.
It's called unconditional love.
I really wouldn't be too hard on yourself.

I do not believe I am deserving of unconditional love.
I feel like I need to be working hard for affection from my partner, and that if i'm not good enough I deserve to be punished.
I have been in a lot of abusive relationships, I don't understand regular relationships anymore they make me so anxious when im not getting punished for making mistakes. I don't care whats done to me, I just don't want to be thrown aside more, and to me, relationships where I am being abused or neglected, last the longest out of any relationship i've had.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I edited messages to make it look like she sent them to fuel my self loathing, I do it as a form of self harm, not physically but reading the messages does fuel my physical self harm. seeing messages that look like she sent them, telling me I need to starve myself to be good enough to be loved, seeing messages telling me I need to cut more in order to be forgiven for the things I did wrong.
its very motivating for me.

She burned a lot of bridges because when friends we shared found out how she treated me, and why she broke up with me, they stopped talking to her.
when I confronted her about it, that I was worried about her, that I cared a lot about her and I could see how her chasing after a girl who didn't care about her at all was destroying her.
she blocked me on every platform we shared. she didn't say anything to me.

Oh that's too bad, so why are you still fixated on someone that treated you that badly?!

I understand that human hearts are very complicated and everything is not black and white especially when feelings are involved but you don't need to edit messages as that's too extreme and it's my first time hearing about such a thing. I truly hope you recover from this.

And also why did you tell your mutual friends how she treated you? I have come to realise it's not good sometimes to share your relationship issues with friends , I know it can mean well but I think it's better to keep your relationship problems to yourself and other thing is you still want to get back with her and if you do get back with her then what will those friends that stopped talking to her because of you say ??

This is why I don't do friends anymore too much drama and toxicity.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I do not believe I am deserving of unconditional love.
I feel like I need to be working hard for affection from my partner, and that if i'm not good enough I deserve to be punished.
I have been in a lot of abusive relationships, I don't understand regular relationships anymore they make me so anxious when im not getting punished for making mistakes. I don't care whats done to me, I just don't want to be thrown aside more, and to me, relationships where I am being abused or neglected, last the longest out of any relationship i've had.

I don't know what to say here without sounding judgemental.
It just sounds incredibly sad that you feel this way.
Would you wish things were different: that you didn't feel the need to work for affection ?

 

[Homulily]

Oh that's too bad, so why are you still fixated on someone that treated you that badly?!

I understand that human hearts are very complicated and everything is not black and white especially when feelings are involved but you don't need to edit messages as that's too extreme and it's my first time hearing about such a thing. I truly hope you recover from this.

And also why did too tell your mutual friends how she treated you? I have come to realise it's not good sometimes to share your relationship issues with friends , I know it can mean well but I think it's better to keep your relationship problems to yourself and other thing is you still want to get back with her and if you do get back with her then what will those friends that stopped talking to her because of you say ??

This is why I don't do friends anymore too much drama and toxicity.

I didn't go out of my way to tell our friends about what happened. friends of mine noticed I was very upset and distraught and went to me to try to see what was wrong.
i told them not to be mad at her but they still were.
My friends stopped talking to her because they say she was abusive towards me. which, she was at times but I deserve to be abused, I didn't mean to cause her to lose friends I should of said nothing I know I should of said nothing or I should of defended her more.

I'm still fixated on her because she understood that I am co-dependent and did a lot of things which fed my co-dependent tendencies.
she joked about being soulmates before, she joked about how she knew I wanted to propose to her and how it made her feel special.
I wanted to marry her before. I wish I didn't feel this strongly about her and that I could move on but also i'm glad that her breaking up with me has pushed me so far down, and pushed me to start planning to ctb again.

I don't want to recover from this. I swore to myself that would of been my last attempt at making a relationship work, she was my 10th partner.

I don't know what to say here without sounding judgemental.
It just sounds incredibly sad that you feel this way.
Would you wish things were different: that you didn't feel the need to work for affection ?

If I had a single wish i'd wish for her to come back and stay with me, even if she was mean or hurt me I wouldn't mind.
the idea of not having to work for affection is scary to me, because then I don't know what im suppose to do to show affection, I need to be pushed into a situation where I am scared and intimidated to be good enough for affection.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

didn't go out of my way to tell our friends about what happened. friends of mine noticed I was very upset and distraught and went to me to try to see what was wrong.
i told them not to be mad at her but they still were.
My friends stopped talking to her because they say she was abusive towards me. which, she was at times but I deserve to be abused, I didn't mean to cause her to lose friends I should of said nothing I know I should of said nothing or I should of defended her more.

I'm still fixated on her because she understood that I am co-dependent and did a lot of things which fed my co-dependent tendencies.
she joked about being soulmates before, she joked about how she knew I wanted to propose to her and how it made her feel special.
I wanted to marry her before. I wish I didn't feel this strongly about her and that I could move on but also i'm glad that her breaking up with me has pushed me so far down, and pushed me to start planning to ctb again.

I don't want to recover from this. I swore to myself that would of been my last attempt at making a relationship work, she was my 10th partner.

You deserve better, you are worthy and I hope you will eventually forget about this girl and you will eventually find your person. Life is difficult as it is without anyone's interference and now can you imagine with all this interference from friends. I myself made a lot mistakes In my past relationships and I hope you find peace in your next relationship.

Personally for me I think I have only been in love with 3 guys in my life and this I don't regret loving them at all as I think it's better to love than to not have loved at all. Each and every relationship teaches you one thing or another. I truly hope love will find you whenever you are ready and if you don't want to have a relationship I can understand.

I think I have had two guys tell me that I was their soulmates and those were the most disastrous relationships that I have ever had in my life. How were you Co- dependent and what things did she do to feed your Co-dependency ??

I think I got attached quickly with one guy and I was so crushed when he ended things with me (even though I wasnt with him that long) but now those feelings have vanished since he duped me. I think him blocking me was even good for my mental health as I had a lot of other bigger issues going on but being dumped at that time was soul crushing and that's the first time I think I have ever felt truly heartbroken as I had never experienced a heartbreak like that before and I think what climaxed that heartbreak was realising that my life had been destroyed again.

My life hasn't been easy at all, I'm truly dead inside and I can't wait to stop breathing and the day I take my last breath will be the most happiest day of my life (as weird as it sounds) I'm looking forward to see the back of this thing that I call life.

Arg I just hate living

I never want to date ever again as I just want to leave this world ASAP..

 

[Homulily]

You deserve better, you are worthy and I hope you will eventually forget about this girl and you will eventually find your person. Life is difficult as it is without anyone's interference and now can you imagine with all this interference from friends. I myself made a lot mistakes In my past relationships and I hope you find peace in your next relationship.

Personally for me I think I have only been in love with 3 guys in my life and this I don't regret loving them at all as I think it's better to love than to not have loved at all. Each and every relationship teaches you one thing or another. I truly hope love will find you whenever you are ready and if you don't want to have a relationship I can understand.

I think I have had two guys tell me that I was their soulmates and those were the most disastrous relationships that I have ever had in my life. How were you Co- dependent and what things did she do to feed your Co-dependency ??

I think I got attached quickly with one guy and I was so crushed when he ended things with me (even though I wasnt with him that long) but now those feelings have vanished since he duped me. I think him blocking me was even good for my mental health as I had a lot of other bigger issues going on but being dumped at that time was soul crushing and that's the first time I think I have ever felt truly heartbroken as I had never experienced a heartbreak like that before and I think what climaxed that heartbreak was realising that my life had been destroyed again.

My life hasn't been easy at all, I'm truly dead inside and I can't wait to stop breathing and the day I take my last breath will be the most happiest day of my life (as weird as it sounds) I'm looking forward to see the back of this thing that I call life.

Arg I just hate living

I never want to date ever again as I just want to leave this world ASAP..

I have co-dependent tendencies. I feel a strong need to be useful to whoever I am dating at all times to the point of obsession.
I have no self worth and the majority of my self worth came from whenever she was nice to me, Id always put the people I was in relationships with up on pedestals essentially, constantly justifying whenever they'd do anything to harm me or whenever they weren't actually good for me, I'd often sacrifice my own wellbeing to prioritize hers, even over small things. I viewed her as better then me, even from the start, though I tried to ignore it and not fall into my codependent tendencies.

She knew I had strong co-dependent tendencies, she knew I put her on a pedestal and I was obsessed with her, and would both use this to her advantage and to further my obsession with her, giving me praise for my obsessive behaviors even when I was trying to suppress them, she enabled a lot of these things about me, to further put herself on a pedestal in my mind.
she knew I felt inferior and would often treat me as if if I was nothing but an annoyance to feed this.
we once had a conversation where she told me she knew I was obsessed with her, I told her I am obsessed with her and I apologized, she gave me praise for it and made me feel like my obsession was a good thing.
and
I still believe her, im very very very loyal.
we were once with her mom, and her mom made a joke about how everything we do has to be for her, and I repeated it but like, not as a joke.
she held my hand for this and gave me a lot of praise about how she knows i'd always be here for her no matter how she treats me.
and I agreed with her because she seemed so happy and I wanted to make her happy.
her mom even noticed my obsessive behavior on focusing to please her or make her happy, saying she was glad that her daughter had someone so focused on her best interests and making her happy.
the entire environment pushed me further down the path of focusing on her more and more and caring less about myself even while she treated me worse and worse.

I dont really mind she fed my codependences im more then happy to dedicate myself entirely to her I just want her back.
I thought I provided something she needed to her, I thought I helped her and made her happy i thought I was good for her, I just wanted her to be happy, she didn't need to be nice to me I just wanted to be hers. I still want to be hers, I did everything I could to be good enough to keep, but I still wasn't good enough and I was thrown aside.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I have co-dependent tendencies. I feel a strong need to be useful to whoever I am dating at all times to the point of obsession.
I have no self worth and the majority of my self worth came from whenever she was nice to me, Id always put the people I was in relationships with up on pedestals essentially, constantly justifying whenever they'd do anything to harm me or whenever they weren't actually good for me, I'd often sacrifice my own wellbeing to prioritize hers, even over small things. I viewed her as better then me, even from the start, though I tried to ignore it and not fall into my codependent tendencies.

She knew I had strong co-dependent tendencies, she knew I put her on a pedestal and I was obsessed with her, and would both use this to her advantage and to further my obsession with her, giving me praise for my obsessive behaviors even when I was trying to suppress them, she enabled a lot of these things about me, to further put herself on a pedestal in my mind.
she knew I felt inferior and would often treat me as if if I was nothing but an annoyance to feed this.
we once had a conversation where she told me she knew I was obsessed with her, I told her I am obsessed with her and I apologized, she gave me praise for it and made me feel like my obsession was a good thing.
and
I still believe her, im very very very loyal.
we were once with her mom, and her mom made a joke about how everything we do has to be for her, and I repeated it but like, not as a joke.
she held my hand for this and gave me a lot of praise about how she knows i'd always be here for her no matter how she treats me.
and I agreed with her because she seemed so happy and I wanted to make her happy.
her mom even noticed my obsessive behavior on focusing to please her or make her happy, saying she was glad that her daughter had someone so focused on her best interests and making her happy.
the entire environment pushed me further down the path of focusing on her more and more and caring less about myself even while she treated me worse and worse.

I think it's okay to be kind of obsessed with your partner but not creepy obsessed at least you realised your mistake and you are human so you are allowed to make mistakes and the only thing that I have noticed from the way you right you seem way to too critical of your self. Stop being too harsh on yourself, everyone makes mistakes and I truly hope you heal from this.

I wish you nothing but the best with whatever decision you end up deciding.

 

[Homulily]

I think it's okay to be kind of obsessed with your partner but not creepy obsessed at least you realised your mistake and you are human so you are allowed to make mistakes and the only thing that I have noticed from the way you right you seem way to too critical of your self. Stop being too harsh on yourself, everyone makes mistakes and I truly hope you heal from this.

I wish you nothing but the best with whatever decision you end up deciding.

I need to be harsh on myself, if im not harsh on myself then i'll be complacent and make more mistakes and then i'll be even more undeserving of affection.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I need to be harsh on myself, if im not harsh on myself then i'll be complacent and make more mistakes and then i'll be even more undeserving of affection.

I don't think affection it's a need … You can get affection without being harsh on yourself but anyway In the end you do you.

All the best to you .

 

[Rabbit-]

I don't know if this will be any comfort, but I understand your feelings at least on some level. Being treated gently by others, and especially being forgiven when I've upset them, is often so confusing because I don't really deserve it even if it makes me happy. When I do something wrong or make a mistake, I can get frustrated if they don't lash out at me in some way. I self-harm mainly as punishment to myself, and part of that is feeling like I have to hurt myself because no one else does when they should.

In my case, it's difficult to feel like I want to get better because I don't feel worthy of even that. I won't try to change your mind or try to force you to want recovery, because it'd be hypocritical of me, and after all this is a pro-choice forum, so you can skip this next part if you'd like.


Something that helped normal relationships feel easier for me was to think of it from the other side. Even if I certainly deserve cruelty, I realized that I also have to consider why the other person is okay with treating me like this. If I were to do this to someone else, I and many other people would feel sick with guilt. It's possible they'd know I specifically deserved it, I suppose, but if I envision someone else in my position wanting affection or making mistakes, I can't help but feel like the person would still be cruel to them. While I don't mind being hurt myself, I don't like the idea of someone inflicting that on anyone else and wouldn't want to support that person.

Originally when I realized this, I thought that I could sacrifice myself to these relationships. I would be hurt like I deserve, the toxic person would be too preoccupied with me to go after others, and everyone would be satisfied. However, I came to think this line of logic is naive of me. If eventually we parted ways for some reason or another, all I would have done is reinforced the behavior and made it harder for the next person. It's also possible they could be abusing others at the same time, or that- Because I'm encouraging my mistreatment- I'm keeping them from getting better and living happily themselves.

My self-loathing hasn't changed, but since then it's gotten easier and easier to accept normal relationships. I've even found that I'm able to enjoy it more genuinely when people do kind things for me because I'm more focused on "What a sweet gesture, they're a very nice person to want to make me happy." than my own feelings about "You shouldn't have done this, I haven't earned it, I don't deserve it."


...I don't know if any of this was helpful or what you wanted to hear, but I do hope there's some relief in knowing there's someone else who understands in his own way, if nothing else. I apologize for the post length, and I wish you the best in the future, whatever that may look like to you.

 

[LonelyDay]

I'm also highly co-dependant and in recovery for an eating disorder. It feels like hell fighting your own brain every day so I'm sorry for how painful this all must be. Especially with a restrictive ED perfectionism and competitiveness are almost a given so it makes sense that comes out a lot in your relationships. I know for me personally seeing a new person is almost guaranteed to make me restrict even if I try to keep myself in line. Just try to keep in mind your worth is not equal to the number on your scale, food is simply an energy source nothing more nothing less. Also your partner should be invested in your health, of course no one is responsible for being a caregiver, but a relationship is about working together to make both people their best self. It sounds like you can do way better than her love. (Although I understand it really isn't that easy)

 

[Homulily]

I don't know if this will be any comfort, but I understand your feelings at least on some level. Being treated gently by others, and especially being forgiven when I've upset them, is often so confusing because I don't really deserve it even if it makes me happy. When I do something wrong or make a mistake, I can get frustrated if they don't lash out at me in some way. I self-harm mainly as punishment to myself, and part of that is feeling like I have to hurt myself because no one else does when they should.

In my case, it's difficult to feel like I want to get better because I don't feel worthy of even that. I won't try to change your mind or try to force you to want recovery, because it'd be hypocritical of me, and after all this is a pro-choice forum, so you can skip this next part if you'd like.


Something that helped normal relationships feel easier for me was to think of it from the other side. Even if I certainly deserve cruelty, I realized that I also have to consider why the other person is okay with treating me like this. If I were to do this to someone else, I and many other people would feel sick with guilt. It's possible they'd know I specifically deserved it, I suppose, but if I envision someone else in my position wanting affection or making mistakes, I can't help but feel like the person would still be cruel to them. While I don't mind being hurt myself, I don't like the idea of someone inflicting that on anyone else and wouldn't want to support that person.

Originally when I realized this, I thought that I could sacrifice myself to these relationships. I would be hurt like I deserve, the toxic person would be too preoccupied with me to go after others, and everyone would be satisfied. However, I came to think this line of logic is naive of me. If eventually we parted ways for some reason or another, all I would have done is reinforced the behavior and made it harder for the next person. It's also possible they could be abusing others at the same time, or that- Because I'm letting all this happen- I'm keeping them from getting better and living happily themselves.

My self-loathing hasn't changed, but since then it's gotten easier and easier to accept normal relationships. I've even found that I'm able to enjoy it more genuinely when people do kind things for me because I'm more focused on "What a sweet gesture, they're a very nice person to want to make me happy." than my own feelings about "You shouldn't have done this, I haven't earned it, I don't deserve it."


...I don't know if any of this was helpful or what you wanted to hear, but I do hope there's some relief in knowing there's someone else who understands in his own way, if nothing else. I apologize for the post length, and I wish you the best in the future, whatever that may look like to you.

Thank you for your time and your words, you've given me a lot to think about.
I know my own response is a bit lack luster compared to yours and I want to thank you again for like, writing so much about your own experience and own thoughts on this, getting more perspectives on this is really neat since everyone i've talked to normally never had this sort of like, desire themselves so they didn't understand where i was coming from, I don't feel that way with what you told me however, from what you've said it sounds like you do understand, or at least a lot more then most people do.
I can't promise anything but like, I still think I deserve to be abused, and want to find someone who would be willing to do that.
I know its naïve of me to think someone will eventually stay but like.
idk. I don't have any sort of response to that.
I Was hoping at least being a punching bag or something of someone else again would be enough to make me worth keeping around.
but like.
you're right theres no guarantee they would even stay and then all i'll have done is reinforce their desire or willingness to abuse people.
I never thought about it like that before. or I thought that at least if someone would leave maybe they'd be nicer to people after me, not considering that they would probably just abuse someone who doesn't want that.
I don't know what to think yet.
I was hoping that just letting people do whatever they want to me would give me enough of a reason for people to not want to throw me aside.
thats pretty stupid of me in hindsight.

 

[Aisley]

This woman isn't the one for you. She said she has no romantic feelings for you. That means she's done playing nurse. That means she doesn't want to fuck you. There's no where to go with that. The fire's out.
What you need is a list. But it would be useless to get into that, and I'm sure you already know it. So I recommend you find yourself an experienced dom. Someone who'll hurt you in healthy ways, then heal you in even more healthy ways. You clearly want punishment, and I totally get that, but there's a world's worth of variety that punishment can come in.
If that's no good then I would at least recommend telling your next partner that you're kind of into being demeaned. There's someone out there ready to give you what you want, I promise. It's just really not your current ex.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

This woman isn't the one for you. She said she has no romantic feelings for you. That means she's done playing nurse. That means she doesn't want to fuck you. There's no where to go with that. The fire's out.
What you need is a list. But it would be useless to get into that, and I'm sure you already know it. So I recommend you find yourself an experienced dom. Someone who'll hurt you in healthy ways, then heal you in even more healthy ways. You clearly want punishment, and I totally get that, but there's a world's worth of variety that punishment can come in.
If that's no good then I would at least recommend telling your next partner that you're kind of into being demeaned. There's someone out there ready to give you what you want, I promise. It's just really not your current ex.

Wow I think you are being a bit harsh on OP, how do you know that she didn't want to be intimate with her ?? And also if you have a list Jains you need to tell her so that she can work on that.

Find an experienced Dom??? What does that even mean?

No no no why would you want her to be with someone who will hurt her ?? Even if it's In healthy ways?? I don't anyone should hurt anyone they love.

 

[Aisley]

Wow I think you are being a bit harsh on OP, how do you know that she didn't want to be intimate with her ?? And also if you have a list Jains you need to tell her so that she can work on that.

Find an experienced Dom??? What does that even mean?

No no no why would you want her to be with someone who will hurt her ?? Even if it's In healthy ways?? I don't anyone should hurt anyone they love.

I know because op said so. Her ex said she didn't have romantic feelings for her. As for the list, op knows the list. She's well aware and has heard it before. That's not what she's here for. She doesn't want anyone telling her she's worth her daily recommended intake of calories or some self-help bullshit. She's not stupid. She knows. But there's a difference between knowing and Knowing.

Which brings us to the dom. The dom/sub dynamic is a very healthy thing, beautiful, even. And something that people don't really know unless they've been in it, something op might not be attracted to if she knew, but all power resides with the sub in these relationships. Pain in sex is amazing. If it's not for you that's fine. I won't judge you for it, but it's quite healthy. And for someone who already craves punishment, it can be more nourishing than food.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

I know because op said so. Her ex said she didn't have romantic feelings for her. As for the list, op knows the list. She's well aware and has heard it before. That's not what she's here for. She doesn't want anyone telling her she's worth her daily recommended intake of calories or some self-help bullshit. She's not stupid. She knows. But there's a difference between knowing and Knowing.

Which brings us to the dom. The dom/sub dynamic is a very healthy thing, beautiful, even. And something that people don't really know unless they've been in it, something op might not be attracted to if she knew, but all power resides with the sub in these relationships. Pain in sex is amazing. If it's not for you that's fine. I won't judge you for it, but it's quite healthy. And for someone who already craves punishment, it can be more nourishing than food.

Pain in sex is amazing ?? Who is talking about sex??? I didn't mention anything about sex here ???

Dom and sub dynamic ?? There was no such thing mentioned here ?? Can you please enlighten me on this ??

 

[Homulily]

Pain in sex is amazing ?? Who is talking about sex??? I didn't mention anything about sex here ???

Dom and sub dynamic ?? There was no such thing mentioned here ?? Can you please enlighten me on this ??

This woman isn't the one for you. She said she has no romantic feelings for you. That means she's done playing nurse. That means she doesn't want to fuck you. There's no where to go with that. The fire's out.
What you need is a list. But it would be useless to get into that, and I'm sure you already know it. So I recommend you find yourself an experienced dom. Someone who'll hurt you in healthy ways, then heal you in even more healthy ways. You clearly want punishment, and I totally get that, but there's a world's worth of variety that punishment can come in.
If that's no good then I would at least recommend telling your next partner that you're kind of into being demeaned. There's someone out there ready to give you what you want, I promise. It's just really not your current ex.

sex makes me uncomfortable, really uncomfortable, all my experiences with it have led to me wanting to die, feeing extremely stressed and guilty. getting yelled at, getting insulted.
I don't want to be in another situation like that.
i've considered getting a dom or something to hurt me, like you asked aisley but i don't feel comfortable in sexual settings, and I don't want to be hurt in a healthy way, I don't deserve for it to be healthy.
I don't want my ex to sleep with me like that, thinking about it makes me feel anxious to a point where its hard to breathe.
I feel filthy.

edit- i see the message is waiting for mod approval, I hope i didn't do anything wrong, im sorry if I did, im really sorry if I did anything wrong.

 

[Aisley]

Pain in sex is amazing ?? Who is talking about sex??? I didn't mention anything about sex here ???

Dom and sub dynamic ?? There was no such thing mentioned here ?? Can you please enlighten me on this ??

good grief. It's a suggestion, and nothing worth derailing a thread over. If you've never been spanked that's ok. As I said, I won't judge you for it or anything. But it beats the shit out of puking up nutrients before they get a chance to reach the bloodstream.

 

[Goodgirlryeo101]

good grief. It's a suggestion, and nothing worth derailing a thread over. If you've never been spanked that's ok. As I said, I won't judge you for it or anything. But it beats the shit out of puking up nutrients before they get a chance to reach the bloodstream.

Hahah I'm asking questions because I was curious and I'm not derailing a thread but anyway I won't respond after this.

 

[Homulily]

This woman isn't the one for you. She said she has no romantic feelings for you. That means she's done playing nurse. That means she doesn't want to fuck you. There's no where to go with that. The fire's out.
What you need is a list. But it would be useless to get into that, and I'm sure you already know it. So I recommend you find yourself an experienced dom. Someone who'll hurt you in healthy ways, then heal you in even more healthy ways. You clearly want punishment, and I totally get that, but there's a world's worth of variety that punishment can come in.
If that's no good then I would at least recommend telling your next partner that you're kind of into being demeaned. There's someone out there ready to give you what you want, I promise. It's just really not your current ex.

I don't want to sleep with her like that, or other people, being in lewd situations with folks makes me really uncomfortable
i have a much bigger message typed out but its currently being looked at by mods before it gets posted.
the pain I want is not something lewd or healthy. neither of those things feel deserved.

 

[Homulily]

im trying to reply to messages but it keeps telling me "This message is awaiting moderator approval, and is invisible to normal visitors."
sorry if it seems like i am ignoring, i have 2 messages currently that say this

 

[Rabbit-]

Thank you for your time and your words, you've given me a lot to think about.
I know my own response is a bit lack luster compared to yours and I want to thank you again for like, writing so much about your own experience and own thoughts on this, getting more perspectives on this is really neat since everyone i've talked to normally never had this sort of like, desire themselves so they didn't understand where i was coming from, I don't feel that way with what you told me however, from what you've said it sounds like you do understand, or at least a lot more then most people do.
I can't promise anything but like, I still think I deserve to be abused, and want to find someone who would be willing to do that.
I know its naïve of me to think someone will eventually stay but like.
idk. I don't have any sort of response to that.
I Was hoping at least being a punching bag or something of someone else again would be enough to make me worth keeping around.
but like.
you're right theres no guarantee they would even stay and then all i'll have done is reinforce their desire or willingness to abuse people.
I never thought about it like that before. or I thought that at least if someone would leave maybe they'd be nicer to people after me, not considering that they would probably just abuse someone who doesn't want that.
I don't know what to think yet.
I was hoping that just letting people do whatever they want to me would give me enough of a reason for people to not want to throw me aside.
thats pretty stupid of me in hindsight.

I actually felt the same way reading your posts originally, so I have to thank you as well! This is the first time I've ever talked about this, because it felt that most people won't understand- I felt like if I ever brought it up, I'd just be met with impulsive responses such as "No one deserves to be abused!" or that I'm being inconsiderate towards abuse victims regardless of being one. It doesn't feel like I'd be listened to at all. I know people have good intentions, but they don't know my situation and I really do deserve it.

You don't need to promise anything and I won't ask you to since I can't either. Even though I've gotten better at being okay with normal relationships, I still self-harm to make up for other peoples' unwillingness to hurt me as I mentioned, and I also still think I should be abused. For me, it's just become a quiet wish rather than something I actively seek out, I don't miss those who hurt me as often, and accepting kindness comes easier as long as I think about others giving it more than I think about me recieving it.

I suppose it's become a little bit of a paradoxical situation where I need someone to finally recognize I'm less than nothing and treat me accordingly, but at the same time I resent the thought of encouraging someone who's capable of easily doing such horrific things and risking others' safety.

I wish I could say something about making others stay, but I don't think any thoughts I have to offer regarding that will mean much coming from me, as I'm usually the one who drifts away from others due to overwhelming anxiety and feeling like I'm burdening them...

It's okay to not know what to think especially because finding someone who also feels this way is new to both of us. If you end up disagreeing or deciding those things don't matter to you, that's alright as well. But I'm very grateful that you took the time to read my perspective and to think about what I've said.

If you ever feel like talking to someone about this in the future, I'm always willing to lend an ear, so please feel free to come to me. I can't guarantee I'll have anything to say that helps, and it's perfectly fine if you never take me up on it since I myself find it difficult to vent directly to others, but at least know that there's somewhere you can go where you'll be listened to and understood should you want it.

 

[Readytogo246]

Move on from the pain and abuse. Sometimes it's better going it alone. She isn't worth it. I know it's not easy.

 

[Aisley]

I don't want to sleep with her like that, or other people, being in lewd situations with folks makes me really uncomfortable
i have a much bigger message typed out but its currently being looked at by mods before it gets posted.
the pain I want is not something lewd or healthy. neither of those things feel deserved.

is it because of body image, or do you just not want to be with people physically? It might be time to rethink romantic relationships as a whole if you actually aren't enjoying sex.
i once tried pushing my husband out of his comfort zone, and never again. He's a decent human being and I want him that way. So I just hide my sick wants, lol.
i know you don't want healthy pain, I'm just trying to offer it up as Pain Light.
idk what's up with not sending your message, i don't really have much experience with threads of my own. maybe if you try it as a comment, not a reply? Irdk.