Venting my brother

[willitpass]

my heart breaks for how this will effect my brother when i am gone. he's only a couple of years older than me but he has been effected by suicide so many times in his life, unfortunately almost exclusively because of me. the first time he had to watch me break down was when i was 10 and he was 12, i had a mental breakdown and self harmed in front of him. when i tried to bang myself at 13 my mom made him come carry me into her car because she was too cheap to call an ambulance so he had to see me with rope marks around my neck and blood all over myself. i was in the hospital for two of his birthdays because of my depression. everytime i attempted he got put on the back burner and left to deal with what had happened on his own while my parents worried about me. and to top it all of when he was in early high school, a girl in the same activity as him killed herself in the school and her body wasn't found until the activity started and all of the kids were in the room. he still hasn't opened up to us about whether he saw her body. this life hasn't been fair to him. he deserves so much more

 

[lifeORdeath]

Yeah that's rough. I hate the thought of putting my loved ones through this..young and old.
Sorry to hear of this. I bet he still loves you even after all this.

 

[gomenasai]

It sounds like a terrible situation to be in, but ultimately we're all in this world alone, trapped in this human body. Only you know best if the action of ctb is really what you feel is the right decision for you to take regardless of the people you leave behind. If you go through with it, maybe you could leave your brother a note, something that could make him feel a little better or spend a lot of quality-time with him now that you are still here. Hugs to you

 

[Smart No More]

I feel for you and your brother and feel that maybe an element of desensitisation may have occurred as a result of his exposure to it. Not that I'm suggesting he's numb to it. Just that he may be less shocked and affect by it than you fear. As a kid I witnessed and experienced a lot of violence amongst other things. Mental abuse largely. It fucking sucked but honestly I feel it also provided some benefits. I've never been violent (bar the odd scrap so rare they're miles apart) and have a very considerate mind set. I may not have been that way had I not experienced the things I did. I suppose I'm just trying to say that smooth can be the product of rough and it's not always entirely obvious to onlookers.

I respect you for the consideration you extend to those around you. I see so many posts saying they don't care about how their death will impact the world and those around them because they'll be gone so in their view it doesn't matter. It's a painfully selfish mindset even for people in intense suffering. Granted some have never seen love or care in their lives and are a mirror/product of that so I try not to be judgmental however it's somewhat heart warming to see someone display their consideration the way you are. It probably serves you more than you know. I hope so.

 

[Butterfly Moon]

The empathy you have for him shows how wonderful of a person you are

I hope you find peace friend

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be painful and hard to deal with. Life really isn't fair for so many people, I feel as though in whatever happens, as long as we still exist suffering and pain are simply inescapable and are a consequence of existing in this world.
I wish you the best.

 

[Lonerzepam]

Existence is pain

 

[makethepainstop]

my heart breaks for how this will effect my brother when i am gone. he's only a couple of years older than me but he has been effected by suicide so many times in his life, unfortunately almost exclusively because of me. the first time he had to watch me break down was when i was 10 and he was 12, i had a mental breakdown and self harmed in front of him. when i tried to bang myself at 13 my mom made him come carry me into her car because she was too cheap to call an ambulance so he had to see me with rope marks around my neck and blood all over myself. i was in the hospital for two of his birthdays because of my depression. everytime i attempted he got put on the back burner and left to deal with what had happened on his own while my parents worried about me. and to top it all of when he was in early high school, a girl in the same activity as him killed herself in the school and her body wasn't found until the activity started and all of the kids were in the room. he still hasn't opened up to us about whether he saw her body. this life hasn't been fair to him. he deserves so much more

You have a very tough position, and an even tougher decision. If you stay, you will have pain. But if you leave, someone you love will have pain. I can't envy your circumstances. Much love to you what ever choice you make.