Venting My breakup destroyed me

[Outofoptions1]

We were in love and she was perfect. We made each other so happy. She loved me unconditionally and supported me through everything. She tolerated so much for me. She was my rock, my counselor, my best friend, my lover. It's not something I can describe, it's something you just feel. We both loved each other so much and were so attached. It truly was a special relationship that only comes once in a lifetime.

And I screwed it up.

I let her down so many times and she ran out of chances to give. I lied about my addiction to porn and made her feel unwanted and unattractive when she discovered what I was watching. I crushed her spirit and destroyed her mentally by lying repeatedly. She loved me and trusted me more than anything and I let her down. I loved her as well, but my demons got the best of me and I can only blame myself.

She was my best friend. I gambled on depending on her for everything. Now that she's gone, I have nothing. She accepted and loved me despite my addiction, chronic pain, lack of a career and material items. Nobody else will ever love me the same way and I don't want anybody else. We were truly special.

I depended on her for everything. I always came to her for comfort and support. I talked to her everyday. Now I have to navigate life on my own. I have parents, family and friends but it isn't the same. Not a knock to them, but they don't give me w she did.

My main reason for ctb is my chronic degenerative joint pain. I had always thought to myself that I'd plan to ctb if things got too bad. For the first time in my life, I was happy and had hope with her. Now that she's gone, I can't manage. I just can't. I can't describe how much I depended on her. I don't want to deal with this on my own. I'm out.

 

[bobblong]

You could write a thank you letter to her to express your feelings inside , attach some pictures of you and her sharing happy memories , add some sprinkles on top and a bouquet of flowers as a gift.

It probably wont change anything , but at least you wont have any regrets and she will probably keep the letter as a memento after you CTB.

 

[Outofoptions1]

You could write a thank you letter to her to express your feelings and gratefulness and attach some pictures of you and her sharing happy memories .

It probably wont change anything , but at least you wont have any regrets.

I plan to.

I begged and begged and begged for her to give me another chance. She told me that while she loves me deeply, she knows how I truly felt about her. That I wasn't attracted to her and I never loved her.

Hearing that from her absolutely crushed me. It's the worst thing that anybody has ever told me. Not only because it's really not how I felt about her, but because I must have hurt her so badly for her to believe that. I can understand why she thinks that way, but it just isn't true. She made me happy and hopeful and my time with her was the best in my life, despite it only being 15 months together. Her leaving thinking that I never loved her absolutely killed me.

I plan to write her a long note expressing everything I ever felt about her and our relationship as well as a montage of pictures from our time together. I also plan to leave her a bit of cash in my will. She said that if I ctb, it'd ruin her life. Unfortunately, I simply cannot move on without her. She's a smart girl. I hope she figures it out one day.

 

[zentiiicharcoal]

We were in love and she was perfect. We made each other so happy. She loved me unconditionally and supported me through everything. She tolerated so much for me. She was my rock, my counselor, my best friend, my lover. It's not something I can describe, it's something you just feel. We both loved each other so much and were so attached. It truly was a special relationship that only comes once in a lifetime.

And I screwed it up.

I let her down so many times and she ran out of chances to give. I lied about my addiction to porn and made her feel unwanted and unattractive when she discovered what I was watching. I crushed her spirit and destroyed her mentally by lying repeatedly. She loved me and trusted me more than anything and I let her down. I loved her as well, but my demons got the best of me and I can only blame myself.

She was my best friend. I gambled on depending on her for everything. Now that she's gone, I have nothing. She accepted and loved me despite my addiction, chronic pain, lack of a career and material items. Nobody else will ever love me the same way and I don't want anybody else. We were truly special.

I depended on her for everything. I always came to her for comfort and support. I talked to her everyday. Now I have to navigate life on my own. I have parents, family and friends but it isn't the same. Not a knock to them, but they don't give me w she did.

My main reason for ctb is my chronic degenerative joint pain. I had always thought to myself that I'd plan to ctb if things got too bad. For the first time in my life, I was happy and had hope with her. Now that she's gone, I can't manage. I just can't. I can't describe how much I depended on her. I don't want to deal with this on my own. I'm out.

How long has it been since she left?

 

[dead dav]

I feel your pain I messed my marriage up through porn too I still love here but she says I never have I was good to her but that one fuck up ruined every thing

 

[Outofoptions1]

How long has it been since she left?

It's been just over one month

 

[TransTaxEvader]

I get that feeling of loss.

The love of my life broke my heart 4 months ago.

She's suicidal and she said she doesn't want me to rely on her anymore in case shes gone. She was my everything. We spent everyday together. I would be there for her no matter what, I'd do anything for her.

She's started to drift out of my life now after breaking up. She insists it's not my fault, but I can't help but think it is.

This has killed every part of me left.

I was planning to kill myself March 31st last year but she ended up coming into my life in February and she turned it around while she was there.

Now I'm back to rock bottom. Where I fucking started 12 months ago.

 

[zentiiicharcoal]

It's been just over one month has she blocked you? When is the last time you spoke? Because that could be able to be fixed honestly

 

[Outofoptions1]

She has blocked me from everything and made it clear that she doesn't want to hear from me. We already broke up in December after I broke her heart the first time. This time is too far. I keep clinging to the fact that she loves me as a potential to get her back but she she means what she says. I literally begged her for days before she permanently blocked me.

I've been depressed before, but this breakup just killed everything I had in me. If I'm not at work, I'm in my bed. I either don't eat at all or order junk food. I haven't cleaned or done any errands for 6 weeks.

I wouldn't say that I'm ctb just because of a girl. I'm ctb because it's destroyed any chance of a future for myself. I don't want to be single, living with parents, working average jobs, loner at home, in chronic pain 24/7 and potentially disabled in the future. It's all too much to handle. My girlfriend accepted me for all of that and we would have battled through together.

 

[Proxycake]

Mine destroyed me too, I'm a shell of who I used to be. Focus on the inevitable death to come and the wave of care she'll feel for you when you're gone. Love is just wretched sometimes

 

[2minutes2ctb]

I feel you, and also feel sorry you have to go through this. I can relate so much to your story, breakups are the worst, especially when it feels like you've lost the one. It's been 3 months now and we're talking to each other again so maybe give it some time ? Even though the chances of a future together are small, it's always worth the fight.

 

[Kbeau]

She has blocked me from everything and made it clear that she doesn't want to hear from me. We already broke up in December after I broke her heart the first time. This time is too far. I keep clinging to the fact that she loves me as a potential to get her back but she she means what she says. I literally begged her for days before she permanently blocked me.

I've been depressed before, but this breakup just killed everything I had in me. If I'm not at work, I'm in my bed. I either don't eat at all or order junk food. I haven't cleaned or done any errands for 6 weeks.

I wouldn't say that I'm ctb just because of a girl. I'm ctb because it's destroyed any chance of a future for myself. I don't want to be single, living with parents, working average jobs, loner at home, in chronic pain 24/7 and potentially disabled in the future. It's all too much to handle. My girlfriend accepted me for all of that and we would have battled through together.

I hear ya

 

[encore]

im sorry for hijacking the thread, but reading the responses here makes me feel so grateful for SaSu. this is the only place where people truly understand how it feels to experience loss of real love. everywhere i go, people tell me to move on and forget. but not here. i feel very validated, even if this is not about me at all.

to OP - i can deeply relate to what you went through, and i understand how it feels to lose your entire footing when that one person leaves. when you realize how deeply you fucked up and what was truly lost. i think it might be worth to stick around for a bit longer and see how things unfold, however, whatever you decide on deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. sending love ♡

 

[Outofoptions1]

im sorry for hijacking the thread, but reading the responses here makes me feel so grateful for SaSu. this is the only place where people truly understand how it feels to experience loss of real love. everywhere i go, people tell me to move on and forget. but not here. i feel very validated, even if this is not about me at all.

to OP - i can deeply relate to what you went through, and i understand how it feels to lose your entire footing when that one person leaves. when you realize how deeply you fucked up and what was truly lost. i think it might be worth to stick around for a bit longer and see how things unfold, however, whatever you decide on deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. sending love ♡

I hear you. I've considered holding on, but I just can't get over my chronic degenerative joint pain. It has taken over so many aspects of my life and my girlfriend was the solution to that. She'd be there for me if in the future things got bad and I became unable to work. I told myself a couple of years ago that I'd probably ctb or seek medically assisted death in the future if/when things got worse. My girlfriend gave me hope and a purpose to live. I would have ctb someway eventually if I'd never met her. This just accelerates the process as the pain of losing such a massive part of my life on top of my chronic pain is just too much to handle.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

im sorry for hijacking the thread, but reading the responses here makes me feel so grateful for SaSu. this is the only place where people truly understand how it feels to experience loss of real love. everywhere i go, people tell me to move on and forget. but not here. i feel very validated, even if this is not about me at all.

to OP - i can deeply relate to what you went through, and i understand how it feels to lose your entire footing when that one person leaves. when you realize how deeply you fucked up and what was truly lost. i think it might be worth to stick around for a bit longer and see how things unfold, however, whatever you decide on deserves to be treated with dignity and respect. sending love ♡

Hear hear!

I'm really sad to see so much heartbreak here, people who had a chance at life and lost it at the hands of someone they loved and trusted, but I'm glad we're here to understand and listen to each other. No, I don't want to forget, I don't want to hate her, I don't give a fuck about the billions of fish in the sea, I don't care that she doesn't deserve me or that I deserve better: no, she's the one life put in my way, she's the one I fell in love with, she's the one that made me feel so loved and precious...and the one who stabbed me precisely where she knew it would hurt the most.

Sending you all love and wishing peace to every broken heart here, doesn't matter if you find it in this realm or beyond it.

 

[encore]

I hear you. I've considered holding on, but I just can't get over my chronic degenerative joint pain. It has taken over so many aspects of my life and my girlfriend was the solution to that. She'd be there for me if in the future things got bad and I became unable to work. I told myself a couple of years ago that I'd probably ctb or seek medically assisted death in the future if/when things got worse. My girlfriend gave me hope and a purpose to live. I would have ctb someway eventually if I'd never met her. This just accelerates the process as the pain of losing such a massive part of my life on top of my chronic pain is just too much to handle.

im not going to say i totally understand because i can't imagine how awful that must be, and what you're describing sounds absolutely debilitating. im very sorry you have no options left, i want you to know that everyone here respects your decision, and i hope you won't be in pain for much too long