finalnap
no alarms & no surprises
- Jul 23, 2020
- 10
I've been in the worst depression of my life ever since February (though I haven't been doing so great for a year now). I had plans to take SN tomorrow night. I genuinely couldn't see anything getting better. On Wednesday I got to see some of my closest friends and we made plans to go camping. "Okay cool, I guess I'll postpone my suicide a day or two after that," I thought. But the next day I didn't feel like dying. I started to brainstorm ways to fix my life. I reassessed my college situation. It kinda reminded me of how people that attempted suicide off of the Golden Gate Bridge would realize during the fall that their problems were fixable. I'm fixable. So I'm going to try my best to have fun with what I've got and if everything turns to shit, I still have SN. I really didn't see this happening as I have been self sabotaging for months (failing classes, not working out, not texting friends back, not being on social media, and generally living life extremely passively). I can't pinpoint exactly what caused this. But I'm glad. Maybe I'll get to life in a van one day. Or maybe I'll get to marry a rich guy and never have to worry about money haha. Anyways this was long so it's cool if you read it all. I just wanted to write this to reflect and to also clear up that I'll be sticking around (because I had said on a different thread when I was planning to CTB). Thank you for being the sweetest community, I still consider this site a sanctuary. I might still get on from time to time, but at only 20 years old I might as well try to see more of the world, find more music, pet more dogs, and buy more plants. Love you all <3
