Venting My boyfriend makes me want to live

[sohopelessandempty]

Not sure if this belongs in recovery because of all the mixed feelings. I have gone through many struggles in my life and I'm still going through things that I don't feel like talking about right now, but a huge reason I don't want to CTB is because of my wonderful, loving boyfriend. I have other reasons and relying on one person for my will to live or just general happiness isn't healthy and I'm aware. I don't rely on him for that, he just happens to bring me joy. And I don't just want to live for another person, if I must live I want to do it for myself too. I have many other reasons I am still here(not all of them are good though but whatever). He always makes me change my mind, and when I spend time with him for once I think life is worth living. I almost never usually think that. Even though life is excruciatingly painful, I just can't imagine leaving him :(. I truly love him, and he's the only person I ever loved this much. Every time I imagine my suicide plans, I imagine seeing him one last time. To hear his voice, to see his smile, to feel him wrap his arms around me. He wouldn't know it's the last but I would. And whenever I think about that, I always cry. I can't do it. I promised him I wouldn't kill myself. I wonder if any of you feel the same, I'm sorry if it sounds like bragging as I know a lot of people here are lonely. I feel so conflicted all the time because of this. I know my suicide would hurt him, and I never want to hurt him despite the pain I am in. I feel like things will never get better for me, but I stay anyways. He makes me want to stay, but the rest of the people around me and life in general always remind me why I want to die to begin with. I'm just tired. I don't know how to deal with being alive, but I don't know how to deal with what comes with trying to die either. So I guess I'm making this post to say, I will try to live. I can't kill myself, I can't do that to him. I still want to die though so I figured I'd come here to rant.

 

[prettyclam]

It doesn't sound like you're bragging. You're lucky to have someone you love who loves you back. I struggle with the same issue. After seeing my girlfriend, it's like the desire to die disappears, but when shes gone the feeling returns. Somedays I care about how she'll feel when I ctb, while others I don't. It's just the stressful struggle of having to choose your own peace over others. Sounds like your bf brings you lots of happiness tho❤

 

[Forever Sleep]

It's really lovely that you feel that way. Do you suppose if you could be with one another more, it could banish the thoughts all together?

I'm such a pessimist now really. I would have wanted this at one time but now, it would feel like a complication I think. I wouldn't want more tethers here. Probably strange to say but, I don't really long for things now. Not even to be happy because, I doubt it would last. (For me that is- I hope it does last for you.)

I'm glad you have this though. I imagine it must be one of the best feelings in the world.