notevenhere
Ghost Angel
- Apr 27, 2023
- 132
just a vent. it's like one step forward and two steps back, i don't blame him but it really hurts and i was hoping to be numb but im still crying, haha. it just sucks. i was gonna get better for him but i can't even communicate to him why i can't ever be myself around him because of my bpd, he thinks im mad or that i hate him when it's seriously just splitting and i need him. any time i explain or teach him how my MI is, he just goes what do i do? even though what he should do is already something in my explanation and he's not catching it. sometimes, i do know that it could be his schizoid or he just doesn't pick up on pieces. but it honestly feels demoralizing to even try because he's listening but not understanding. we have vastly different communication skills. i really wanted to work it out with him, i don't wanna go back to the dating market at all.
this always happens around mid november where i lose someone, i cope the way i used to cope: every year, just find a game to fixate on. ignore anyone and isolate myself.
i'll be fine, though. i lost my best friend in 2023 and then my 12 year soulmate in 2024 — i just genuinely thought i could move on from my past and actually be in safe environment away from my parents and experience freedom, i just feel like such a fool for thinking that's in my rich. i have nothing to live for.
exactly last year in december 28, is our anniversary and we met at a year end cos play anime convention and this year i will be attending it as well. i don't know anymore —im hoping he'll show up, if not, i will kill myself at a hotel i'll bring a mini luggage for my clothes and SN and meds and lie it's cosplay stuff in there.
i'd most likely still bring cosplay stuff but i don't think i'll enjoy the con. i have one more irl cosset i can meet for a bit or ask one of my normie irls.
i miss him but there's no point to these feelings, even if he wasn't ignoring me or i didn't block him, it will all remain the same. the problems will still betters and he just hurts me on purpose now. i can excuse the times he probably didn't know better or that he's hurt so he says that, but it's just hate and anger and i can't fucking deal with anyone right now. it's all too much.
i already tried writing him a letter to get this urge off but even if i unblock him, or just fucking call him or text him, he'll tell me to stop. he doesn't understand bpd, i wish people without bpd understood how our world is constantly intense and red and burning and everything feels like on fire.
he'll never understand that, and that's the most tragic thing. he doesn't understand that i would kill to afford college and have parents who support me, i would kill to not be disabled, id kill for a comfortable life that he has. i remember my birthday nobody greeted me and i was in my room crying and he sent me this shitty cake like he didn't just spent the last month on a really fancy hotel and probably blew half a mil in that vacation.
i don't hate him, i don't even envy him. it's like —- i wouldn't wanna make my girlfriend feel like this, and he has his own mental issues, but he acts so violent emotionally any time i try. and we're both done trying.
the worst part is he might've gotten me pregnant and if i kill myself…. i can commit suicide but i can't do that… on my own.
i thought life couldn't get worse but it keeps worsening
this always happens around mid november where i lose someone, i cope the way i used to cope: every year, just find a game to fixate on. ignore anyone and isolate myself.
i'll be fine, though. i lost my best friend in 2023 and then my 12 year soulmate in 2024 — i just genuinely thought i could move on from my past and actually be in safe environment away from my parents and experience freedom, i just feel like such a fool for thinking that's in my rich. i have nothing to live for.
exactly last year in december 28, is our anniversary and we met at a year end cos play anime convention and this year i will be attending it as well. i don't know anymore —im hoping he'll show up, if not, i will kill myself at a hotel i'll bring a mini luggage for my clothes and SN and meds and lie it's cosplay stuff in there.
i'd most likely still bring cosplay stuff but i don't think i'll enjoy the con. i have one more irl cosset i can meet for a bit or ask one of my normie irls.
i miss him but there's no point to these feelings, even if he wasn't ignoring me or i didn't block him, it will all remain the same. the problems will still betters and he just hurts me on purpose now. i can excuse the times he probably didn't know better or that he's hurt so he says that, but it's just hate and anger and i can't fucking deal with anyone right now. it's all too much.
i already tried writing him a letter to get this urge off but even if i unblock him, or just fucking call him or text him, he'll tell me to stop. he doesn't understand bpd, i wish people without bpd understood how our world is constantly intense and red and burning and everything feels like on fire.
he'll never understand that, and that's the most tragic thing. he doesn't understand that i would kill to afford college and have parents who support me, i would kill to not be disabled, id kill for a comfortable life that he has. i remember my birthday nobody greeted me and i was in my room crying and he sent me this shitty cake like he didn't just spent the last month on a really fancy hotel and probably blew half a mil in that vacation.
i don't hate him, i don't even envy him. it's like —- i wouldn't wanna make my girlfriend feel like this, and he has his own mental issues, but he acts so violent emotionally any time i try. and we're both done trying.
the worst part is he might've gotten me pregnant and if i kill myself…. i can commit suicide but i can't do that… on my own.
i thought life couldn't get worse but it keeps worsening
