Venting My best friend

[ThunderBringer]

I've known my best friend since him and I were 3 years old. My first friend, and for a very long time my only friend. He was popular growing up and I was bullied and harassed but I was still his best friend. I think he's my favourite person ever. (I've never thought of him romantically or sexually in any sense fyi. If I wanted to we would've been dating by now I swear it's not like that)

I've always found myself to be more upset whenever people interact with him in any sense. He's so important to me I think I'd explode without him. If ever I've felt love, it's with him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else in my life and I truly mean that. However through the help of my other friends I've slowly noticed how inconsistent my best friend is. He doesn't show up for me, not like everyone else does. Meanwhile he says jump and I'm already over the moon. I move mountains to accommodate him.

Don't get me wrong he's done incredibly amazing things for me time and time again, but somehow he's rarely there when it really matters. When I'm in my times of need, it's never him who comforts me. I could be in a room full of all the people who love me, but if he isn't there then I just feel awful. He's mine and I am his. But he's my #1 priority in life and I'm his 3rd or 4th. Which is normal for regular people, but damn it kills me sometimes. For better or for worse he's my soulmate and no one else in this world knows me better than him.

I don't know what to do. The obvious answer is let him go but I simply can't. I've talked to him about this in the past and he definitely got better. Personally I'd rather subject myself to this torture than let him go. Sounds gay but no I just have BPD and I'm clingy.

 

[HopelessScientist]

I've known my best friend since him and I were 3 years old. My first friend, and for a very long time my only friend. He was popular growing up and I was bullied and harassed but I was still his best friend. I think he's my favourite person ever. (I've never thought of him romantically or sexually in any sense fyi. If I wanted to we would've been dating by now I swear it's not like that)

I've always found myself to be more upset whenever people interact with him in any sense. He's so important to me I think I'd explode without him. If ever I've felt love, it's with him. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone else in my life and I truly mean that. However through the help of my other friends I've slowly noticed how inconsistent my best friend is. He doesn't show up for me, not like everyone else does. Meanwhile he says jump and I'm already over the moon. I move mountains to accommodate him.

Don't get me wrong he's done incredibly amazing things for me time and time again, but somehow he's rarely there when it really matters. When I'm in my times of need, it's never him who comforts me. I could be in a room full of all the people who love me, but if he isn't there then I just feel awful. He's mine and I am his. But he's my #1 priority in life and I'm his 3rd or 4th. Which is normal for regular people, but damn it kills me sometimes. For better or for worse he's my soulmate and no one else in this world knows me better than him.

I don't know what to do. The obvious answer is let him go but I simply can't. I've talked to him about this in the past and he definitely got better. Personally I'd rather subject myself to this torture than let him go. Sounds gay but no I just have BPD and I'm clingy.

It's a tough situation. I don't know how favourite person dynamics work in BPD. My thoughts would be either make the friendship more symmetrical by not giving him much more than he gives you, or idk, try to build up a few other support systems. That's probably not at all easy. I wouldn't say you have to cut him out, just make your well-being less dependent on him specifically. On the surface level, at least, I am glad you have him.

Sorry if I am rambly. I don't have BPD, but I do get obsessed with people, before it was my supervisor, now it's a best friend. It's so vulnerable to have some occupy so much of your mind. I often think of my friend when I am really sad, hopeless and suicidal. Just thinking about him makes me feel better, and then I ruminate and feel guilty for thinking about him to calm myself down. I can honestly say, nothing and no one has ever made me feel this much better just from their existence, and I have so many people I love so much. I am honestly scared I'll end up like my other best friend if I let myself just be obsessed with people. He was with his ex for 2 months, and it took him 2 months to grieve, and he even OD'd on benzos (he's fine now) because their shitty ex was the centre of his world.

I don't love that friend more than I love my other best friend and partner, not at all, it's just that he understood me more than I understood myself. He mapped out the darkest abyss for me just by showing his own struggle. I am getting this from SaSu too. Ironically. I came here because I was ready to die, instead, I found people who get it. Now I moved back my plan to ctb from one year to three. I will try every treatment option first (I have depression, severe).