5.59 am. I fuckin don't know where to write this...
That ugly motherfucking dawn light is creeping over the dancefloor.
But no - ones going home yet. It must never end... but yeah it will.
I'm playing catch me if u can with sumone I've never met..
These apps are awful till they're awesome.
I'm smiling 2myself :: life description lin 500 characters or less.
yeah, tell me another, a meaningful 1 this time.
Lit & loaded i can hardly speak...maybe thats a good thing.
I have nothing to say, if I did, it'd be about another shooter
dedicated to suicide sunrises and
calling it quits before the painful fucking comedown.
Thinking too much, my mind racing frozen
everywhere but nowhere again.
I'm typing this to remember this, to hold onto my sanity
I'm shivering inside :: I realise i won't have many more of these...
Maybe im afraid, maybe I'm just wired.
All of us are living for the moment, maybe the dirty promise of the next..
this is what is real :: music lights sex n drugs &neverending nights. Nothing more.
Not me. I'm saying goodbye ::
One last look at the half naked bodies, at possibilities and perfections.
This was good. I guess. Knowing I have a crew of friends that love me, that are concerned at my unwillingness to make plans for the holidays.
They don't understand why. Why im so quiet.
they care in their fucked up selfish ways,
I'm just the same ::
Maybe not,
maybe Ryan with his light green smiling eyes and innocent ways
snub tophat virus mask and skull rings
will understand the meaning of run rabbit run
Will understand i dont want him to, but must
will actually let this go.
How can he not see beneath my skin,
into the destructive darkness that will devour and destroy him?
That destroys everything.
Time to go. Say goodbye to the guys n girls n go.
Another line another litany of how nothing makes sense.
Mzwai calls from fuck knows where, maybe the toilets
asking if I can go to the hotel to get more... sure.
They're trashed, I'm streetsmart.
Do they know how much I want to die?
I can hear disco breakbeats and mesmerizing porn playing in the background
The promise of something to kill the hunger, the loneliness,
The pain. Fuck I want my gun.
I'm getting my gear from his handbag, in 20 minutes I can shoot-up
It will all be okay then, warm and comfortably numb.
I knew this would happen, I know myself.
Ryan never stood a chance.
I must remember to maybe find this, it seems important.
diary of a drug fiend, a lotus eater, a loser.
Until its gone, until I'm gone, until everythings gone.
I will miss this :: this is all I've ever wanted.
If only this would never end....
Apologies I will erase. Asap....