TAW122
Emissary of the right to die.
- Aug 30, 2018
- 6,724
Ever had things constantly go wrong in your life? The more I try to fix certain things or work towards making it happen in the manner that I wish for it to happen, it more oftenly than not, backfires. However, on the contrary, if I let things go by itself, it is equally bad as that means I leaving things up to chance and variable, which may/not be better for me. One such example would be my performance anxiety in music. I never had such a problem before in the past, but later in life (not sure exactly when) it became an issue and started to negatively impact my ability to performance well despite being as prepared and ready as possible. I have tried numerous fixes, including consulting various online forums, buying certain books, trying to overcome it to no avail. This was never an issue in the past and no matter how hard I try to get things right, it always goes wrong.
The same thing happens with other areas in my life outside of music, like in gaming, when I did well off-screen, off-camera, I still fuck up and mess up a lot. It ends up being worse than what I could do. It just doesn't matter how well I am versed, it's like I'm cursed in this life. I don't really have many other things I'm really passionate enough IRL, barring music in piano (and even then it's a subset of classical/neo-classical music, not necessarily pop), and then video games (also niche in various ways).
The things in life that I wish to do and achieve, more oftenly than not, fall short or goes in ways that I never anticipated. I end up being more frustrated and not happy with the result almost all the time. It is not an accurate representation of my capability. Plus, not to mention all the failed dreams in my life. Hell, even I'm anxious in trying to hide my method, fight my SI, plan and also still maintain a front of normalcy just so that people IRL don't see any red flags (sometimes failing at hiding red flags IRL too).
Don't forget about the day to day necessities and things that people don't struggle with, I struggle a bit more than others. Maybe it's a bit more than just my Aspergers, something else, but I don't know, I always knew that I had trouble in things that people almost take for granted or do without much problem (not just social interactions and people skills, but other life skills). In other words, when I try to do well or rather do better, I falter and get other results than not.
Have you ever experienced things getting progressively worse the more you try to better things? I find that to be the case, fairly oftenly and even more so in the last several years.
The same thing happens with other areas in my life outside of music, like in gaming, when I did well off-screen, off-camera, I still fuck up and mess up a lot. It ends up being worse than what I could do. It just doesn't matter how well I am versed, it's like I'm cursed in this life. I don't really have many other things I'm really passionate enough IRL, barring music in piano (and even then it's a subset of classical/neo-classical music, not necessarily pop), and then video games (also niche in various ways).
The things in life that I wish to do and achieve, more oftenly than not, fall short or goes in ways that I never anticipated. I end up being more frustrated and not happy with the result almost all the time. It is not an accurate representation of my capability. Plus, not to mention all the failed dreams in my life. Hell, even I'm anxious in trying to hide my method, fight my SI, plan and also still maintain a front of normalcy just so that people IRL don't see any red flags (sometimes failing at hiding red flags IRL too).
Don't forget about the day to day necessities and things that people don't struggle with, I struggle a bit more than others. Maybe it's a bit more than just my Aspergers, something else, but I don't know, I always knew that I had trouble in things that people almost take for granted or do without much problem (not just social interactions and people skills, but other life skills). In other words, when I try to do well or rather do better, I falter and get other results than not.
Have you ever experienced things getting progressively worse the more you try to better things? I find that to be the case, fairly oftenly and even more so in the last several years.
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