Venting murder of innocence and persona

[porcelainplate]

csa talk. may be graphic

how does a person even come over getting sexually abused for 2 years in your most important growth stage in life? my sense of what love and intimacy in relationships since ive been 12+ has been permanently messed with. i cannot get into relationships nor talk to people older than me without thinking they are planning some carefully crafted scheme to rape me. i cant even hear simple words of affection without thinking of the man who ruined me. i dont feel like i can think for myself anymore. i dont enjoy anything or talking to people. i am quite literally the shell of a person who once was. i want to be able to love someone without seeing the random 27 year old fucking freak in them. ill never be able to love normally but all i have to give is love.

i really hate living like this and ive no connection to my body or anything about myself anymore, really. ive been thinking of attempting to ctb but i know ill never be able to do it myself so i feel as if im forever stuck in this loop. i wish he could have killed me or something

im very sorry if this is sappy in any way

 

[CatLvr]

First of all, you are in no way "sappy". There is NOTHING on this earth worse than a person who will violate a child.

Second, and please do not share more than you are comfortable with, but have you tried any type of therapy? You will have to excuse my lack of knowledge about the types of treatment available. When I dealt with the aftermath of SA there was no such thing as therapy. And if your family was well-connected (mine was) if you tried to report it you were labeled a "troubled teen" and NO ONE took you seriously.

I hope that the fact I am here to encourage you (I suspect you are the same as my grandchildren) gives you some hope that you can move forward, past this horrible thing that has been done to you, and have some semblance of a life.

I'm sure someone will come along and be able to post something much more helpful than I have. But if you would ever like to visit with someone who is willing to just sit with you, and talk you through a rough time, please do not hesitate to holler at me.

 

[porcelainplate]

First of all, you are in no way "sappy". There is NOTHING on this earth worse than a person who will violate a child.

Second, and please do not share more than you are comfortable with, but have you tried any type of therapy? You will have to excuse my lack of knowledge about the types of treatment available. When I dealt with the aftermath of SA there was no such thing as therapy. And if your family was well-connected (mine was) if you tried to report it you were labeled a "troubled teen" and NO ONE took you seriously.

I hope that the fact I am here to encourage you (I suspect you are the same as my grandchildren) gives you some hope that you can move forward, past this horrible thing that has been done to you, and have some semblance of a life.

I'm sure someone will come along and be able to post something much more helpful than I have. But if you would ever like to visit with someone who is willing to just sit with you, and talk you through a rough time, please do not hesitate to holler at me.

your words are still comforting to me, regardless. unfortunately i havent had any therapy nor am i in a state where i am able to get any. ive resorted to my own methods. that of which probably arent the best, but they do the job as of now ahah

thank you very much <3

 

[Whydaddy]

Is talking to someone worth a shot at this point for you?
Maybe this person deserves to be called out for what they did to you…..just a thought.
Especially, idk. Since they can potentially do it to someone else?
Really sorry for what you're experiencing.
Btw I like that magnetic fields album

 

[porcelainplate]

Is talking to someone worth a shot at this point for you?
Maybe this person deserves to be called out for what they did to you…..just a thought.
Especially, idk. Since they can potentially do it to someone else?
Really sorry for what you're experiencing.
Btw I like that magnetic fields album

talking (assuming you mean romantically) is... an interesting rollercoaster of emotions now. i really have to trust a person in order to feel safe around them, which would probably take about a year or two... or more.
if you meant casually, i talking helps relieve my stress for a little while.

calling out is a lost cause. its been a long while since i ever spoke to them, and all logs of chatting were wiped. the only thing i know about him is that his name was danny and he was a trucker. i think.

im happy you recognized the album <3! ive been listening to a lot of the songs on repeat. definitely shot up to one of my favorite albums of the year

 

[Whydaddy]

talking (assuming you mean romantically) is... an interesting rollercoaster of emotions now. i really have to trust a person in order to feel safe around them, which would probably take about a year or two... or more.
if you meant casually, i talking helps relieve my stress for a little while.

calling out is a lost cause. its been a long while since i ever spoke to them, and all logs of chatting were wiped. the only thing i know about him is that his name was danny and he was a trucker. i think.

im happy you recognized the album <3! ive been listening to a lot of the songs on repeat. definitely shot up to one of my favorite albums of the year

i meant casually to someone who can relate to the experience and you get to know as a friend (not romantic in nature).

Ugh. I'm sorry you don't even know his name. That sucks a lot. Yet typical….they often disguise themselves.

I was groomed by a person online a few years back. I'm not sure if it's a similar situation as yours at all and I certainly was not a child i was a young woman. but…it made me feel like you do now. I would not call it rape Since we never met in person for them to violate my person… but I'd also call it a violation bc of how they should have stayed far away from me and the sheer amount of effort that went into….making me feel a certain way about myself and then the sexual nature of it was enough to make me suicidal if I wasn't already.


Yes!!! "The all my little words" song is my favorite. By far.