mossball
Member
- Apr 6, 2021
- 49
I've regretted it so much and it pains me and if only I could be dead just by willing it I would already be. I'm living for one other person and under constant watch and surveillance. But I love this person and I don't want to cause them grief.
Still, I can't do this anymore. I can't see the point in being alive. I can't see why people pretend that killing myself is not a logical thing to do. I wish I could go back in time to when I was hospitalized and scream my head off, jump every doctor that shamed me publicly and infantilized me; instead, I was lethargic, lethargic and bewildered that these people actually treated me like that.
Then getting diagnosed with autism. It fit so well and it made so much sense. But I was so angry that my needs were neglected my whole life and I only find this out when I'm an adult. I don't have the fucking tools or will to deal with anything anymore and I've never had. I've been belittled and mocked and felt disconnect ever since I was a child and I don't have it in me anymore. I was always angry and then I actually tried and now I just can't do it anymore.
Being a brazilian, bisexual and autistic woman and having to sit with my parents this weekend to hear every vile thing they say. Being afraid of disagreeing because they talk about beating and shooting down people like me. But they know I'm not straight. They knew one girlfriend of mine. Why do you joke about killing people like me to my face and pretend you never tried to make me homeless? And then guilt me for trying to kill myself, calling me ungrateful?
I spent this year burying my head in the sand and muddling my thoughts with my hyperfixations and all the medications. But I'm so done. I try to sleep at night and I can't. I can't make myself want to get something to eat. But I have to pretend because I'm visiting family. When I'm back on my own again in two weeks, though, I don't know how I'll even get out of bed. I can't even see myself making it to the end of the year. Ever since my suicide attempt failed, only horrible things have happened to me.
Still, I can't do this anymore. I can't see the point in being alive. I can't see why people pretend that killing myself is not a logical thing to do. I wish I could go back in time to when I was hospitalized and scream my head off, jump every doctor that shamed me publicly and infantilized me; instead, I was lethargic, lethargic and bewildered that these people actually treated me like that.
Then getting diagnosed with autism. It fit so well and it made so much sense. But I was so angry that my needs were neglected my whole life and I only find this out when I'm an adult. I don't have the fucking tools or will to deal with anything anymore and I've never had. I've been belittled and mocked and felt disconnect ever since I was a child and I don't have it in me anymore. I was always angry and then I actually tried and now I just can't do it anymore.
Being a brazilian, bisexual and autistic woman and having to sit with my parents this weekend to hear every vile thing they say. Being afraid of disagreeing because they talk about beating and shooting down people like me. But they know I'm not straight. They knew one girlfriend of mine. Why do you joke about killing people like me to my face and pretend you never tried to make me homeless? And then guilt me for trying to kill myself, calling me ungrateful?
I spent this year burying my head in the sand and muddling my thoughts with my hyperfixations and all the medications. But I'm so done. I try to sleep at night and I can't. I can't make myself want to get something to eat. But I have to pretend because I'm visiting family. When I'm back on my own again in two weeks, though, I don't know how I'll even get out of bed. I can't even see myself making it to the end of the year. Ever since my suicide attempt failed, only horrible things have happened to me.