More suicidal after feeling better

[fromange]

So I'm no longer like bottom of the pit depressed af 24/7, talking to no one not going outside and not feeling anything at all other than despair. I feel pretty good and I'm able to go outside and stuff. Although I haven't done any of my tasks that I need to do still. It's probably the placebo stage of new antidepressants I got.

But now I'm like logically this doesn't just get better like a story. All the stupid small problems of mine that I got depressed over are still there. Still alone, still skillless and jobless. Still an asshole. So should I use my increased capacity to just do it? It's impulsive. Method would be to just buy rope and take a hike. I don't know. I'm tired. I don't really care about all these different arguments in my head. It's the only solution that you can't regret, unless you fail. I'd rather not die of course I know I'm privileged in many ways. But thinking I have to be conscious for longer and deal with everything...it's draining. It's only what I think now but I'm not that scared about dying/afterlife.

I'm usually on recovery but on the recovery to suicide scale I'm closer to the latter right now. I don't want to be a downer. I don't know what tag either. Method/venting/help

 

[monetpompo]

All the stupid small problems of mine that I got depressed over are still there. Still alone, still skillless and jobless. Still an asshole. So should I use my increased capacity to just do it? It's impulsive. Method would be to just buy rope and take a hike. I don't know. I'm tired. I don't really care about all these different arguments in my head. It's the only solution that you can't regret, unless you fail. I'd rather not die of course I know I'm privileged in many ways. But thinking I have to be conscious for longer and deal with everything...it's draining. It's only what I think now but I'm not that scared about dying/afterlife.

same place as you, @fromange.
yesterday i had an ok day, talked to more people than i usually do, and today i'm having an okay day as well. last month or even a few days ago i was on the verge of hanging myself or running into traffic because i felt so awful. i'm not on any antidepressants but i'm glad your antidepressants seem to be giving you good side effects right now. i kind of hate getting prescribed medication because they immediately make me lethargic and too tired to think. seroquel can make me fall asleep standing up.

most mornings and nights i have the same arguments with myself, but i don't know why anymore when feeling "better" about myself or feeling "better" in general would feel better than missing someone i can't be around and feeling shit all the time. but it's just easier to feel like shit because at least that's the baseline. i think about writing posts or i do write posts, but then i regret them because i feel like i'm "not depressed enough" or i'm just writing a venting post in order to get validation from other people that i am stil depressed. feeling good about myself makes me feel nauseaous sometimes because i'm just worried about when everything will go to hell again. i don't want to feel happy or proud of myself when tomorrow or even an hour later i could crumble into dust and think that i'm some worthless coward. sometimes being in a state of constant state of despair just makes more sense to me. if my situation is the same on a day i feel better, it feels pointless to feel good about myself.

a lot of my sucidality revolves around being liked by others and not deserving company, happiness, or a sense of peace. i feel like i should be making a conscious effort to struggle and destroy myself because this is just the path that i'm on. i don't know if you relate to this. it's just like a feeling of interia, since i spend so much time ruminating that not being sad is weird.

i'm going to buy myself a cream donut later

 

[fromange]

same place as you, @fromange.
yesterday i had an ok day, talked to more people than i usually do, and today i'm having an okay day as well. last month or even a few days ago i was on the verge of hanging myself or running into traffic because i felt so awful. i'm not on any antidepressants but i'm glad your antidepressants seem to be giving you good side effects right now. i kind of hate getting prescribed medication because they immediately make me lethargic and too tired to think. seroquel can make me fall asleep standing up.

most mornings and nights i have the same arguments with myself, but i don't know why anymore when feeling "better" about myself or feeling "better" in general would feel better than missing someone i can't be around and feeling shit all the time. but it's just easier to feel like shit because at least that's the baseline. i think about writing posts or i do write posts, but then i regret them because i feel like i'm "not depressed enough" or i'm just writing a venting post in order to get validation from other people that i am stil depressed. feeling good about myself makes me feel nauseaous sometimes because i'm just worried about when everything will go to hell again. i don't want to feel happy or proud of myself when tomorrow or even an hour later i could crumble into dust and think that i'm some worthless coward. sometimes being in a state of constant state of despair just makes more sense to me. if my situation is the same on a day i feel better, it feels pointless to feel good about myself.

a lot of my sucidality revolves around being liked by others and not deserving company, happiness, or a sense of peace. i feel like i should be making a conscious effort to struggle and destroy myself because this is just the path that i'm on. i don't know if you relate to this. it's just like a feeling of interia, since i spend so much time ruminating that not being sad is weird.

i'm going to buy myself a cream donut today

Thanks. Feels better to know you're in a similar place. I really hate myself, bottom line. And yeah I don't know if it's better to be sad, objectively because this break and breathe of air is nice, but I do miss being miserable. So you know, a lazy rotten fuck like that might not be able to be saved lol. I hate myself for that too.

Big part of my depression is with a breakup, but that's more like the initial trigger that made me wake up to how shitty I am. I'm just embarrassed of myself.

I was thinking of getting donuts too recently. Maybe I'll go tomorrow.

 

[fromange]

I still felt the same today. This is the furthest I've planned. A small part of me is scared of how natural and certain this feels and I can imagine myself following through. I thought about OD many times but that's only for attention because I know I'll survive. But I really do want to die with fsh. I didn't get donuts. Didn't buy rope either. Didn't really do anything today but I wasn't sad at all. Very silent. All my thoughts in my head stopped. Couple of activities as small as cleaning to graduation, vacation plans, and anime releases as far out as later next year still come to mind. These things used to be enough to keep me hanging (haha). But I realized they don't anymore. I just don't care. I could've died today. I can tomorrow. I do have something I'd rather stay for this week out of duty and I'll at least stay for Thanksgiving. I'll see if this changes but honestly I don't even want it to change. The in between mindset of not wanting to live or die was the worst. So rather than wanting to live, I simply ended up on the other side.

 

[monetpompo]

today was badish for me, @fromange. i know you're not asking for a back and forth though. i did a driving lesson today, then sat in the back while my sister practiced driving with my dad in the passenger seat. my dad was acting high and mighty and lecturing my sister and we were both telling him that he was being argumentative and that he shouldn't get angry at us for trying to improve. it made me upset because it reminded me of the time i told him i wanted to jump out of the car and get run over my cars on the freeway, and he laughed at me even though i was screaming and crying. it was in september. that pretty much set in stone that i wanted to kill myself if my dad was going to laugh and brush off my suffering. i know my dad just wants me to get a license so me and my sister stop asking him to drive us places, but it isn't right that he wants to keep us down when we're trying to learn how to drive.

then we bought stationary (the errand my sister wanted to go on), then we went to dunkin donuts and got matcha. i made a joke and said that we were "so matcha labubu", and she reminded me that we both liked drinking matcha before it became a big trend. we have matcha powder at home. tonight i'm going to a classical music concert in the city.

i still feel the same. still bad and like crawling into bed and dying. i have things keeping me here until the end of the month and in december, like a friend's birthday. i haven't talked to him in months, but i was at his birthday last year so he said i could come again. there isn't really a single person i can tell my actual feelings to, but giving off the impression that i'm feeling fine makes me feel better because i hate explaining myself to people that don't think i should be depressed. i just think everything sucks a lot when i'm not actively doing something fun. it feels like my baseline is melancholy and deep longing that makes me uncomfortable.

Couple of activities as small as cleaning to graduation, vacation plans, and anime releases as far out as later next year still come to mind. These things used to be enough to keep me hanging (haha). But I realized they don't anymore. I just don't care. I could've died today. I can tomorrow.

i think you should buy donuts tomorrow. you'd probably like them. i like eating sweet things even if it's awful for my health. milano cookies and lemon bread is a personal favorite of mine.

everything is still ultimately meaningless. that's why i can't be friends with sasu people no matter how much i get along with them, because i think being on the same wavelength just ends up being more depressing than comforting. it's also sad when people die. i want to die tonight and i'll want to die tomorrow, and the thought will linger forever, probably. these days i feel like checking my text messages over and over like i'll find god in them. it's good to find something to do but living with my parents when all my community college friends are moving away soon. it feels like i'm getting my license too late if they're all leaving me. i don't know why i'm going to miss people that i barely talked to this year.

whichever way you feel tomorrow, i hope it makes you feel better. i think that i'm going to keep on being suicidal for a while instead of trying to recover, even if my steps towards my destruction are the same as recovery. it's easier to be suicidal when i can imagine dying in my head so clearly, even if i get nervous and want to puke when i'm actively trying to make an attempt. something i realized a few days ago is that being suicidal has no end date until you're dead.

Spoiler: related stream of consciousness post...

it is genuinely hard to shake the thought that if i had any method that i knew would work but doesn't freak me out as much as hanging i would be dead. i would just be dead, without a doubt. it's night time and i could kill myself tonight if i wanted to, and thinking that and saying that tortures me so much. there's no one in my life that wants to hear about my depression bullshit anymore. no one wants me to text them if i'm just going to be sad so i just want to kill myself. there is no one who cares. i just have this forum, and i'd planned on leaving it just a few nights ago. but i'm back at square 1 and worse because i really have nothing left to lose or give people besides money my parents gave me and the things i own, but giving people my stuff or money won't make them like me. no one wants my things if they know i'm only doing it because i want to kill myself. i'd cashapp one of my friends 15 bucks so that they would call me and pretend to be interested in me. i am a disaster.

i'm not in any online communities and i have 0 interests. i don't want to go to a ward again. i don't want to get kicked out of the house because my parents don't want to keep supporting me either. i am a stray animal living in my parents' home and they could get rid of me at any time if they wanted to. my sister doesn't care or even know that i'm going insane and that my heart aches every night because i have no one while she has tons of friends at her university and a boyfriend. she doesn't understand the way i feel at all. no one does. they just think that i'm weak or that things will get better soon. i'd kill myself if i could wake up tomorrow as any of them. i'm envious to a disgusting degree. i have 0 presence even when i'm around.

i would do anything if it meant people would like me and paid attention to me. i'd degrade myself. i'd send pictures of myself. i'd do whatever anyone wanted. but no one wants such a sad, desperate, insecure person. my insecurity is the reason i have no interests. i only do things for the sake of others because i hate myself. i am no one. i am a mirror someone holds up to see their face, and for a while doing that made me happy, until i had no one again. there is no one that i get along with in the city i live in, so i desperately want to move away, but there's way i can move in the next 3 years when i can only do entry level jobs or work studies after never having a job before, so i'd have to keep living with my parents. next year i will be 21 and nothing will change besides my age and that i can drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes. no one even believes that i'm 20 because i look so young. i want to ruin my life or have someone else ruin it for me. i just want to do something that'll kill me or feel good for a few minutes. i'm not even good enough to have sex with. i'm just a dime-a-dozen disposable 20 year old that was more attractive when i was barely legal. it's sickening. i want to send suicide bait texts to people so someone talks to me and convinces me not to do it, but i don't think anyone cares anymore. everything is ruined. it's all ruined. the people in my life either don't know what's happening or they tell me it'll get better when they don't even want me in their life.

i wish you could die before you're dead.

 

[fromange]

today was badish for me, @fromange. i know you're not asking for a back and forth though. i did a driving lesson today, then sat in the back while my sister practiced driving with my dad in the passenger seat. my dad was acting high and mighty and lecturing my sister and we were both telling him that he was being argumentative and that he shouldn't get angry at us for trying to improve. it made me upset because it reminded me of the time i told him i wanted to jump out of the car and get run over my cars on the freeway, and he laughed at me even though i was screaming and crying. it was in september. that pretty much set in stone that i wanted to kill myself if my dad was going to laugh and brush off my suffering. i know my dad just wants me to get a license so me and my sister stop asking him to drive us places, but it isn't right that he wants to keep us down when we're trying to learn how to drive.

then we bought stationary (the errand my sister wanted to go on), then we went to dunkin donuts and got matcha. i made a joke and said that we were "so matcha labubu", and she reminded me that we both liked drinking matcha before it became a big trend. we have matcha powder at home. tonight i'm going to a classical music concert in the city.

i still feel the same. still bad and like crawling into bed and dying. i have things keeping me here until the end of the month and in december, like a friend's birthday. i haven't talked to him in months, but i was at his birthday last year so he said i could come again. there isn't really a single person i can tell my actual feelings to, but giving off the impression that i'm feeling fine makes me feel better because i hate explaining myself to people that don't think i should be depressed. i just think everything sucks a lot when i'm not actively doing something fun. it feels like my baseline is melancholy and deep longing that makes me uncomfortable.


i think you should buy donuts tomorrow. you'd probably like them.

everything is still ultimately meaningless. that's why i can't be friends with sasu people no matter how much i get along with them, because i think being on the same wavelength just ends up being more depressing than comforting. it's also sad when people die. i want to die tonight and i'll want to die tomorrow, and the thought will linger forever, probably. these days i feel like checking my text messages over and over like i'll find god in them. it's good to find something to do but living with my parents when all my community college friends are moving away soon. it feels like i'm getting my license too late if they're all leaving me. i don't know why i'm going to miss people that i barely talked to this year.

whichever way you feel tomorrow, i hope it makes you feel better. i think that i'm going to keep on being suicidal for a while instead of trying to recover, even if my steps towards my destruction are the same as recovery. it's easier to be suicidal when i can imagine dying in my head so clearly, even if i get nervous and want to puke when i'm actively trying to make an attempt. something i realized a few days ago is that being suicidal has no end date until you're dead. i wish you could die before you're dead.

I don't mind chatting. Don't feel sorry. But I know you can't always expect a response here and that fair. Just do as you wish. You're right I should get donuts. It's just a little far and I woke up too late today lol. My tentative plan is next week. I finished writing notes already. At night in the woods would give me 30 minutes to not get found. I'll survey spots later.

Your dad laughing at that is seriously awful. Mine never laughed but he yelled at me when I was younger for it. It's a really despairing experience to open up and be rejected. I forgive him though. I don't want him to suffer. I just want to leave.

This feeling of certainty is weird and a bit scary. I'm sure that fear is a part of me that wants to live. I'm not sure if I had felt like this when I was younger. But it's really comforting. I'm happy to know that it's serious now. I had a lot of good memories in life too. It was relatively short and I have a mountain of things I didn't get to do. Hell I won't even graduate. It's fine though. Nothing matters. I don't have to worry about anything anymore. I just have to die.

I read all of your message. Sounds like fun. I enjoyed reading it. Thanks.