more scared of failing

[cath55555]

I'm more scared of failing an attempt than dying at this point. this is a vent post but I wasn't sure how to tag as such so please be aware this is mostly a sad ramble.

I've 2 failed attempts in the past and the whirlwind of disappointment from my mother, family, friends, Drs.... I can't handle going through that again. I'd rather just be gone. both failed attempts were OD on over the counter drugs and the pain paracetamol caused was more than I could physically handle also- I suffer from bulimia and I already have alot of pain from this plus some minor kidney problems I've had since being a child, which flares up every now and then.

don't get me wrong. I have reasons to stay. my SI kick in if I get too close to seriously hurting myself too. the only things still keeping me here are my cats and my friends. I can't help wondering what would happen to them. my cats- would they understand? would they be sad? would they be split up if rehomed? (don't want that to happen as they were raised together and are literally blood family- we took in a stray who turned out to be pregnant, she wandered in with 3 kittens one day and they're very close to one another. all neutered now.) my friends- what would I be to them? an empty chair on game night (D&D)? a forever unread message/offline chat head? I knew a guy in college whose gf passed away of cancer. he still used to message her FB account and talk to her about what reminded him of her even though she couldn't see it. would they do that for me? care enough? or would they just be as furious as I know my family would be?

if you've read this far- I'm sorry. not even sure what the point of this post was other than to dump out some of the things swimming through my head. I don't necessarily need advice or comfort. I just needed to put this out there. if I go, this is a "hey, I did exist". I just don't want to hurt anyone else. have done that far too many times already.

 

[jodes2]

Same, if I take SN and it fails, my gf will be furious and very disappointed. I can't handle that. It's making me seriously procrastinate

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand having the fear of failing ctb. It's what holds me back from attempting. It sounds horrifying attempting ctb and ending up with some sort of damage. I wish that dying is as easy as just choosing to never wake again. We have all already suffered enough without having to worry about the chance of the method failing.

 

[theboy]

Me 2

 

[Idontmatter]

Me too. I want to ctb this coming Saturday but nervous about failing. I'm not scared of death. My depression is so bad all I want is to die. If I fail everyone is going to be disappointed in me, I'll be in a mental ward most likely and I'll probably lose my job so life would be worse if I survived my attempt with sn.

 

[theboy]

I am also afraid of failing. I wish everything was easier in this life