Venting mood swings

[mossmoth]

my mood swings are absolutely insane. i mean, i'm 19, so it makes sense, but i went my entire teenagehood without feelimg them this intensely. just a week ago i was so, so sure i was about to ctb, that it was IMMENENT. now i feel like my life is the best it's ever been. I've crossed a few simple things off my bucket list. i want to get out of bed, i want to actually go outside and explore the world around me. i have the energy to do things.

i think it's my parents. im not BLAMING them, but im saying my entire mood is based on them and how they feel about me. if they're disappointed, then my life is doomed, im a monster, theres no point in living. but if they're content and ignoring me, i just feel free and i love life. maybe i just need to move out. maybe i just need to wait. maybe maybe maybe.

i dyed my hair red. dabbling around in fashion and makeup. putting effort into myself and my future, and everything feels okay right now, but i feel like i need SN. I know a good source that'll ship much quicker and safer than DMC. i feel like i NEED it. like i need that way out. but things go up and down so badly

im scared. im scared ill never be the person i want to be. it's stupid, but i want to be a genderfuck of a creature with a fuckass mullet and without a care in the world. weird dream, but im chasing it right now. i'll grow up, i'm sure, i'll get more stable. but im scared, im scared that im scared, im scared that i'll forever be this little weirdo that hides, hides everything from every eye that could possibly watch. im scared ill never chase my dresms because i can't, i want to ctb because i can't, but i can? maybe? maybe i can't. maybe i can. maybe maybe maybe.

 

[Nikki_Music]

I find this to be really relatable, i have a lot of mood swings that can change in the span of a few hours even and can change if i'm going go cbt. How the people around me are doing also affect that, such as my family and my bf.

 

[EternalShore]

I do hope your goals change as you mature, just as you suggest~ :) however, that's more of a result of you having no control over your own life more than anything~ >_< I have/had them too, and it's just as Nikki_Music suggests in that something good would happen, then something awful, then something okay, then I'd get uber jealous, etc.~ and something really bad happens, and you let it ruin 3 hours until you distract yourself and something better happens!
but anyways, you really should wait until your mood stabilizes a certain way for a long period of time before doing anything~ >_< to me, it seems like you're genuinely enjoying yourself on some days, rather than just distracting yourself, which is great! :D so you really should wait a long time as it seems like your life is in a lot of flux as you're out of high school now, and your parents still have a lot of say on whether it's good or bad~ >_<