Nortu
Longing for an ending
- Apr 7, 2023
- 88
Been doing especially bad recently. I just dont have the mental capacity or energy to do anything of use. Doesn't help when I have a sort of friend thats also not doing so well. I just sont know how to be of comfort or say anything to make Things better for her. Makes me feel Even more useless cause of it. I try the best to my ability Even though my brain cant put together thoughts much anymore. I dont know if what I try to respond to her is whats wrong or if its just her frustration and hurt thats comming through. I cant just not respond to her and rather try the best to my ability to help out.
Its exhausting, I get its wrong to say but I really just dont want to deal with anyone Else anymore. If I'm not able to provide help then I am of no use and I feel worse when they respond back in frustrating that seems geared towards me maybe(?).
There is no perfect time for me to be a part of anything. Always having to be the one stable in missery so that I'm available if anyone Else needs help currently or just someone to talk to. I dont know if I can do it anymore. I want to be there for people when they need it. Its just not much more I'm able to be of use for in that aspect. Either its to be usefull or not, there is no in between state for me and it never has been. How do I Even get out of it without hurting someone Else? The time seems to come, but suddenly someone I know randomly contacts me when they're in a bad mindspace until they've gotten what they need to get back to normal.
There is never the space for me. No one is safe enough. Those times I try to get a little in on something about me it just fades out, is cut off Or its seen as «Dont be so depressing» or «Thats just how he is» in a way. Its not taken serious because its not seen as such. Few times in the past its been «You can talk to me y'know» until its something too serious. Until it turns into breach of privacy, blame expressed towards me for how I feel or cope. If I'm extra lucky its ignored and glossed over to never be visited again.
Have been put into therapy on a few occasions myself through the years. From one person to the next and so on. It just doesn't work. Its not taken serious. They all have just told me I dont need the help they have to provide. Even After one time I was sent back because I accidentally slipped some ideations at the hospital I'm being treated by (very poorly cause they dont really want to help). They said that to continue treatment I had to go into therapy once more. The middle person I met there before I was to be assigned a therapist talked with me for 10min and said I didn't need help. That I shouldnt be there. Explained why I had to and that was it. It took a whole year to just get my first appointment again there. Should have just ctb for the Heck of it. They wouldnt have cared.
To top it off the lady I had to speak to in 3 sessions was disgusting. Forcing topics I had surpressed for good reasons back into existence. Just got worse from that. And continuation of blame put onto me or dismissing everything. Seems like she enjoyed bashing down on me the time I had to stay there.
The world feels sick and unbalanced way too often. Seems like its all for nothing. No matter what I do
(Might have become a little Messy in wording. I just dont know how to sort my thoughts to an understandable degree it seems)
Its exhausting, I get its wrong to say but I really just dont want to deal with anyone Else anymore. If I'm not able to provide help then I am of no use and I feel worse when they respond back in frustrating that seems geared towards me maybe(?).
There is no perfect time for me to be a part of anything. Always having to be the one stable in missery so that I'm available if anyone Else needs help currently or just someone to talk to. I dont know if I can do it anymore. I want to be there for people when they need it. Its just not much more I'm able to be of use for in that aspect. Either its to be usefull or not, there is no in between state for me and it never has been. How do I Even get out of it without hurting someone Else? The time seems to come, but suddenly someone I know randomly contacts me when they're in a bad mindspace until they've gotten what they need to get back to normal.
There is never the space for me. No one is safe enough. Those times I try to get a little in on something about me it just fades out, is cut off Or its seen as «Dont be so depressing» or «Thats just how he is» in a way. Its not taken serious because its not seen as such. Few times in the past its been «You can talk to me y'know» until its something too serious. Until it turns into breach of privacy, blame expressed towards me for how I feel or cope. If I'm extra lucky its ignored and glossed over to never be visited again.
Have been put into therapy on a few occasions myself through the years. From one person to the next and so on. It just doesn't work. Its not taken serious. They all have just told me I dont need the help they have to provide. Even After one time I was sent back because I accidentally slipped some ideations at the hospital I'm being treated by (very poorly cause they dont really want to help). They said that to continue treatment I had to go into therapy once more. The middle person I met there before I was to be assigned a therapist talked with me for 10min and said I didn't need help. That I shouldnt be there. Explained why I had to and that was it. It took a whole year to just get my first appointment again there. Should have just ctb for the Heck of it. They wouldnt have cared.
To top it off the lady I had to speak to in 3 sessions was disgusting. Forcing topics I had surpressed for good reasons back into existence. Just got worse from that. And continuation of blame put onto me or dismissing everything. Seems like she enjoyed bashing down on me the time I had to stay there.
The world feels sick and unbalanced way too often. Seems like its all for nothing. No matter what I do
(Might have become a little Messy in wording. I just dont know how to sort my thoughts to an understandable degree it seems)
