Venting missing a piece, every time.

[daffo]

My SN arrived. it arrived at work, i wanted to be sure to receive it and not be forced to go the mail office to retrieve it. i took it home, while i was thinking of her. i wrote to her that night, i wrote a little poetry about how important she is for me; i thought "write the best poetry you can, write so good to change her mind, to make her come visit you again, stayng at your house telling you that she will take care of you". she received it the next morning, she said "give me some time, i need to organize myself before i can come visit you again".
i know it's an excuse. i can't blame her.
this saturday night, she will be with another man. she will laugh with another man, live, eat and fuck with another man. because i cannot be enough for her, because i cannot be the man she wants.
this morning i thought "in the evening, i will go out to the 24/h med store and i will ask for some Plasil. i will say to them that i have migraines, i thought to have enough Plasil at home but i was wrong, and in the weekend my doctor is not available. they will sell it to me, i'm sure, the story is ok."
i wouldn't go to the med store. i waited for her. just a message, a couple of words. "can i stay with you tonight?". a message from her, just like this. i waited all day for nothing. i cried a lot, shacking, my body feel like i ran for hundreds of miles.
she will not come this evening, she is with a better man than me.
And i will go out and buy the last thing that will kill me.

i cannot do it this evening, i didn't prepared myself with fasting and i took Plasil 6 years ago so i need to try it again before, but i cannot stand this feeling, with all the others dark sorrows that depression drags into my mind. i need her so much this evening, i miss her so much. i need to die soon.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Missing someone we love so much is absolutely agonizing and affairs of the heart are complicated. I know that needing my partner so much when I knew he was with another woman, I asked myself why do I stay with him when he obviously doesn't love me. He said he loved me, but how could he, if I wasn't enough for him and he had to have someone else also. I missed him so much and just wanted to be with him or simply die.
You are in a very vulnerable situation, please try and step back a little and catch your breath and try and work out some of your emotions. You have made a very big step already by sharing with us what is happening for you. Doing anything hasty could end up in with more problems that you already have.
I would like to slip away this evening, but have no method am confident with so wouldn't be wise.
I know one thing for sure, she is not with a better man than you, you wont believe that right now and that is totally understandable, but believe me he's not. No more than the other woman my partner was seeing was no better than me. She didn't know about me, and if she did she may well have stopped seeing him if she knew he already had a partner, I dont know. I'd like to think she would've and been a decent person. I am wondering if this man knows that you are in a relationship with her? or is he totally oblivious and believes that she is his alone. He mightn't know she has you.
This feeling is incredible you are going through as I know first hand and nothing really anyone can say right now can ease it, but please know you are not alone and that there are people who care.

 

[daffo]

there is this stupid thought that i have while i walk on the street. everytime i see another man, i always think "is he like this? this is the man that you chose F? (i will not put her name)".. and i feel so much pain. i cannot even think about the other man, sometimes i cannot see people together because i always think of her with him. i cannot live like this. its 15 years of depression, countless people that go away and i always remain with all the sorrow. and now this, this thing that is eating every last piece of meat i have left. i need to die but i will prepare for that. i will lie to everybody. i will fast in secret, i will try the Plasil, i will wait, i will organize 8 hours period of time in which i will not be found. and the thinga that pains me the most is that instead of usign this time to organize my death, i wish so much i could use the same amount of time lo love F, to cook for her, to take her to places, hugs her while she sleeps.
i will write something for her, explaining that she is not her fault. i will lie also there, i will lie to protect her from this pain. she will recover, with the other man. she will forget me because i am nothing.

 

[Thereisnothing]

Thank you for sharing more, it takes alot to be so open and honest. Giving you big cuddles (((((((((((((Daffo))))))))))))))).
You love her so much, I can see this very clearly and going to protect her right up until your planned end. You say she will recover and forget you because you are nothing. If she can forget you, its not because you are nothing, its because she doesn't care about you as much as you deserve to be cared for. We all deserve love and to be cared about and most of all respected.There is no respect for how she is upsetting and tearing you apart.
Please however much you think you are nothing, hold on to the fact that we are all worthy and all equal, if you are nothing, than neither than any of us.
You deserve such alot, this world and people in it have made it such a raw deal for you to cope with.
Do you have any family or friends you could confide in who may not even have idea what you are going through and could be supportive given a chance?
I know all you want is F and I understand that 1st hand, its one the most raw things to have to experience, nothing else matters.
You matter though, even if you cant see it, I know its true as wouldn't be sat here talking to you if didn't think it was. If you are nothing then maybe I am nothing also as my love did the same to me. I loved him so much and yet he couldn't have loved me as i did him, to go after her. Wasn't my fault, anymore than its your fault. People can be very very cruel and selfish but I know you are like me and not like that. I hope you can see that you are worthy of so much however bleak it is.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

@Thereisnothing has given better advice than I ever could. I agree that I think you should back away from this. Actions taking impulsively rarely turn out the way you hope.
Insensitive people will tell you suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem without knowing your circumstances. But having a broken heart IS often temporary, as awful as it is (yeah I've had my heart crushed twice). Not always, but often. I hope you can find the strength to step back and give it some time. And ofc vent all you want here.

 

[daffo]

i planned with SN long time ago, but always postponed. in the last months i read the SN guide from here, over and over. i need to do it. besides of F, i'm finding myself going more and more down. i cannot work more (i'm employed but i do very little at work, IT dep, and sooner or later my bosses will catch me and kick me out), i barely eat and i keep having health issues. i mean, F is not the start of this, but pretty sure is the finish line of a race in which i was forced to run. my psych keep telling me that i need to take meds, but for what? to try to live a life that i don't want?
there is no future for me, just an endless stream of days passed 8h a day behind a monitor faking work, and countless hours at home fighting with my depression and the issues of my body. F delayed only the inevitable, and she was such a sweet delay, but a temporary one.

 

[daffo]

I bought the meto yesterday. faked an emergency, and i bought it; simple as that. all this years of people that walks away trained me to be the perfect actor when i want. you need to learn how to fake emotions and attitude. life teach you that, because you always need to hide the fact that you love someone (because it scares people away), you learn to stay silent, to keep inside of you the feelings that you want to share because if you share them people will say to you "you are too sensitive for me" "you are too weak" "you are not a solid person" and so on.
thanks life to teach me how to be a fake little soldier, this time it worked in my advantage.