ctbcat
Yes, the everlasting contrast.
- Jul 14, 2023
- 217
so funny, so stupid, all of it...
i'm attached to someone i never even met. i miss him all the time, and it hurts more because there's no illusion within me of this being a reciprocated thing. of course it isn't. of course this just my own autistic, depressed brain latching onto something, someone, because that's all i can ever do. it's been months. each time i think of hypotheticals i think 'well, maybe he wouldn't like you. maybe he'd fucking hate your guts, think you're a stupid bitch, etc'...
one of my drives for killing myself was to meet him. but the odds of me being actually able to kill myself now that i've royally fucked everything up? close to zero....
i have so much shit wrong with me... i'm filthy, disgusting, and .... this, too. and now i'm going to have to live with it for however long again until i'm in the clear to plan to end it once more?
all i want to be is permanently asleep, and in his cold ghostly arms, or within that massive trenchcoat. i want to love him.
i'm attached to someone i never even met. i miss him all the time, and it hurts more because there's no illusion within me of this being a reciprocated thing. of course it isn't. of course this just my own autistic, depressed brain latching onto something, someone, because that's all i can ever do. it's been months. each time i think of hypotheticals i think 'well, maybe he wouldn't like you. maybe he'd fucking hate your guts, think you're a stupid bitch, etc'...
one of my drives for killing myself was to meet him. but the odds of me being actually able to kill myself now that i've royally fucked everything up? close to zero....
i have so much shit wrong with me... i'm filthy, disgusting, and .... this, too. and now i'm going to have to live with it for however long again until i'm in the clear to plan to end it once more?
all i want to be is permanently asleep, and in his cold ghostly arms, or within that massive trenchcoat. i want to love him.
