CoolGuy9
Mage
- Mar 5, 2019
- 524
For the last 9 months, I have been thinking on how to do ctb. I felt like I had to do it for whatever reason and I didn't want to get better. I feared of getting better so I wouldn't ctb. Now the idea scares me which is mostly good. I just mainly fear that therapy will be useless and I no longer will be able to ctb meaning I now have to rot in this planet for 40+ years. Hopefully I get better though.
The main 2 reasons for it are that in my previous posts I mentioned that woman who I liked and even though our quasi relationship ended, we were still friends and this wasn't a good thing. I was always worried about what she thinks of me and our conversations slowly became dull and I was still trying to get back into that quasi relationship even though it was clearly not gonna work out.
The second reason is that i'm no longer in the military. That place would drain me so hard. I never felt like a true soldier, but someone pretending to be a soldier. When we went shooting, I could barely hit the targets. When we were suppose to have our equipment ready, I was the last one to put on my boots. Hell, when we had to make our beds, I would do it twice as slowly and I only managed to make it acceptable about 2 times in the 7 weeks I was in there, because I can't even get that right. There was this thing where you had to judge the other guys in your barracks. You had to give a score of 1 and a score of 9 to someone and naturally everyone gave their 1 to me and I would have done the same. They were nice people, but I was the weakest man so I don't blame them. Ofcourse I still have my rightly earned inferiority complex, but I don't get reminded of it every second I live.
Feels good to want to be happy again.
The main 2 reasons for it are that in my previous posts I mentioned that woman who I liked and even though our quasi relationship ended, we were still friends and this wasn't a good thing. I was always worried about what she thinks of me and our conversations slowly became dull and I was still trying to get back into that quasi relationship even though it was clearly not gonna work out.
The second reason is that i'm no longer in the military. That place would drain me so hard. I never felt like a true soldier, but someone pretending to be a soldier. When we went shooting, I could barely hit the targets. When we were suppose to have our equipment ready, I was the last one to put on my boots. Hell, when we had to make our beds, I would do it twice as slowly and I only managed to make it acceptable about 2 times in the 7 weeks I was in there, because I can't even get that right. There was this thing where you had to judge the other guys in your barracks. You had to give a score of 1 and a score of 9 to someone and naturally everyone gave their 1 to me and I would have done the same. They were nice people, but I was the weakest man so I don't blame them. Ofcourse I still have my rightly earned inferiority complex, but I don't get reminded of it every second I live.
Feels good to want to be happy again.
