Almost Dead
Somewhere in between
- Apr 21, 2025
- 23
First off, I wanna say I lurked this site for a good while before joining, and it's been a refreshing little space to exist in honestly. I'm on another forum for mental health & recovery, and honestly the sheer difference between here and there is incredibly ironic; SaSu is much more useful, comforting, social, and welcoming than the forum preaching recovery has ever been ime lol. Much love to the mods and users here for that reason alone. Anyways, I digress.
This will be suicidal musings more than anything else, I think.
I've wanted to CTB since I was a kid, and I have... a looot of various attempts & near-death experiences under my belt. To the point where it feels kind of silly, like DAMN I couldn't succeed ONCE out of ALL OF THOSE TIMES BEFORE? It got to a point where I was convinced I couldn't die lol. I'll believe it when I see it! In any case, I don't think my death will be surprising. I built up a bunch of ridiculous trauma and PTSD, have a plethora of stupid torturous mental disorders that plague me, been involved with a bunch of awful shit and awful people since birth, yet I still managed to reach the latter half of my 20s, so... Really I think I gave the "life" thing a good shot. I did try my best to recover, but there's nothing to be done. I don't feel too sad about my circumstances, I don't feel I'm a victim at all. Nothing is lost.
Lately, all signs seem to hint more certainly than ever that my time's up soon. I love my partner more than anything, but they've seemingly grown to hate me (sounds harsh but they really aren't to blame; being with someone with BPD is a tough gig) and I'm fairly certain the whole relationship will be ending soon; I love my friends, but they all have others that could easily replace my spot in their lives, especially those I've distanced from; I've become nothing but a burden to my family, enough to send my mother into a relapse of depression; I'm unable to work in any of the typical/conventional societal standards expected; my savings are depleting and depleting... I don't know, it feels like a limit has been reached and all efforts to keep me here have been officially exhausted.
I am trying to continue to live as long as I can, out of a combination of not wanting to hurt my loved ones who would be affected, spite, a desire to keep creating art (ironically enough), and also particularly for a close friend who I don't want to leave alone in the suffering, but my tank is running on empty. And has been, for more than a decade now. I'll never not be desperate for a permanent escape from myself.
No one knows what's beyond the grave; maybe our soul energies transfer with reincarnation of some sort, maybe it's pure nothingness, maybe there's a spiritworld limbo, who knows. Either way, no outcome can be worse than continuing to be forced to live in this body, this brain, this life. Due to my disorder(s), my emotions and convictions are wildly unstable even from one hour to the next, so I may very well have a moment of euphoria soon and find hope in nothing once more, and manage to continue to live for however much longer. But... I don't know.
IF tonight IS the night that I finally succeed, then so be it. My methods are rarely reliable as I don't have access to many sure & certain ones, so it's just luck of the draw... until I can get my hands on something truly lethal anyways. All in all: it is what it is, que sera, sera, whatever!
Honestly, I'm not sure why I typed all of this up. I guess it's nice to be able to wordvomit somewhere in times of utter hopelessness lmao. Thanks for reading if you did. I'll continue to enjoy interacting on here until my time's up. I wish everyone well.
This will be suicidal musings more than anything else, I think.
I've wanted to CTB since I was a kid, and I have... a looot of various attempts & near-death experiences under my belt. To the point where it feels kind of silly, like DAMN I couldn't succeed ONCE out of ALL OF THOSE TIMES BEFORE? It got to a point where I was convinced I couldn't die lol. I'll believe it when I see it! In any case, I don't think my death will be surprising. I built up a bunch of ridiculous trauma and PTSD, have a plethora of stupid torturous mental disorders that plague me, been involved with a bunch of awful shit and awful people since birth, yet I still managed to reach the latter half of my 20s, so... Really I think I gave the "life" thing a good shot. I did try my best to recover, but there's nothing to be done. I don't feel too sad about my circumstances, I don't feel I'm a victim at all. Nothing is lost.
Lately, all signs seem to hint more certainly than ever that my time's up soon. I love my partner more than anything, but they've seemingly grown to hate me (sounds harsh but they really aren't to blame; being with someone with BPD is a tough gig) and I'm fairly certain the whole relationship will be ending soon; I love my friends, but they all have others that could easily replace my spot in their lives, especially those I've distanced from; I've become nothing but a burden to my family, enough to send my mother into a relapse of depression; I'm unable to work in any of the typical/conventional societal standards expected; my savings are depleting and depleting... I don't know, it feels like a limit has been reached and all efforts to keep me here have been officially exhausted.
I am trying to continue to live as long as I can, out of a combination of not wanting to hurt my loved ones who would be affected, spite, a desire to keep creating art (ironically enough), and also particularly for a close friend who I don't want to leave alone in the suffering, but my tank is running on empty. And has been, for more than a decade now. I'll never not be desperate for a permanent escape from myself.
No one knows what's beyond the grave; maybe our soul energies transfer with reincarnation of some sort, maybe it's pure nothingness, maybe there's a spiritworld limbo, who knows. Either way, no outcome can be worse than continuing to be forced to live in this body, this brain, this life. Due to my disorder(s), my emotions and convictions are wildly unstable even from one hour to the next, so I may very well have a moment of euphoria soon and find hope in nothing once more, and manage to continue to live for however much longer. But... I don't know.
IF tonight IS the night that I finally succeed, then so be it. My methods are rarely reliable as I don't have access to many sure & certain ones, so it's just luck of the draw... until I can get my hands on something truly lethal anyways. All in all: it is what it is, que sera, sera, whatever!
Honestly, I'm not sure why I typed all of this up. I guess it's nice to be able to wordvomit somewhere in times of utter hopelessness lmao. Thanks for reading if you did. I'll continue to enjoy interacting on here until my time's up. I wish everyone well.
Last edited:
