Mentally preparing for an attempt

[nextstepdeath]

Internally anxious, neurotic. I have completely dissolved as a human being. Too knocked and wrecked to function. Ready to die, ready to jump, ready to break.

 

[Trav1989]

I can empathize with you on this, life has been a long and arduous road for me as well and to say I'm fed up with all such entails would be an understatement.

 

[nextstepdeath]

Starting to accept everything. I needed someone who was prepared to be steady with me for a bit. Nobody was, they just laughed me out of life. Maybe I embarrassed myself too hard out of everything. I don't subscribe to the idea that killing yourself is a burden for other people, you're far more likely to be a burden in life than you are in death. Life itself is the real burden. Reaching out, communicating, engaging, asking for anything from anyone in any way shape or form is a burden. I just suddenly had an idea to break into a church and jump from the top. There is a graveyard with high steps, maybe not 100ft but high enough? A suicide jump is a suicide jump, you can jump from anywhere if you work on it enough.i know of a hospital tower that could amount to 100ft not far from my home. Plenty of ideas, just need to mentally prepare. I can't cope with life any more. All people do is shove you into their little corner or tell you to shut up or package you into something to suit them. Can't do it any more, I'm jumping. Mentally preparing to do something now.

 

[sadlittleman32]

I was sitting on the ledge of a parking garage tonight and looked down and puked and quickly got back in my car so no one would call the cops..when I was driving home I've never cried so much in my life..I really wanted to jump but was such a coward :(

 

[nextstepdeath]

I was sitting on the ledge of a parking garage tonight and looked down and puked and quickly got back in my car so no one would call the cops..when I was driving home I've never cried so much in my life..I really wanted to jump but was such a coward :(

Mental preparation. I make phone calls to services all the time and I still find it hard to bring myself to die. Willpower is a tough thing to develop, especially with something like suicide. You are not a coward, you are a human being looking for a way out. Whatever the way out for you is, life or death, will come to you. Take comfort in, little by little, step by step.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Hey, you still here? I'm concerned that you may not be ready because you sound like you're overwhelmed and not thinking clearly. Impulsive attempts can go wrong easily. Please try to hold on until you're not panicking.

 

[nextstepdeath]

Hey, you still here? I'm concerned that you may not be ready because you sound like you're overwhelmed and not thinking clearly. Impulsive attempts can go wrong easily. Please try to hold on until you're not panicking.

I will never be ready, but also I will never be happy. I know for me it will be a crunch, I will hit my breaking point and then I am going to break. I will always be anxious, insecure, a nervous wreck. I am laughed at too hard and suffer extreme embarrassment, extreme anxiety. Whatever happens my death will only come out of this, if I have to medicate myself to die I will do it.

 

[nextstepdeath]

I went to sleep, some exhaustion kicked in. The full extent to which I have been manipulated feels overpowering, though I am aware a lot of the manipulation was beyond me, bigger than me. I am ready to explode. Death is inevitable. Total awareness. I am in an environment of death, maybe I always was, mental preparation continues. I sense I do not have long to go beyond here, whatever the method. You don't need something like heroin or SN or anything really, sometimes the will to die in itself is enough.

 

[nextstepdeath]

More of the same.
I need a razor sharp attempt.
How do I die?
I need an airtight bunker, where I slowly pass out and die.

 

[sunsetting]

When you're ready you will feel calm and serene, even happy (because you're secure in what you're going to do no matter the method youre already past the fear). Depressed people that actually ctb show a weird sudden change for the better and then do it. If you're feeling anxious or generally negative about it then you're not ready. Give it some more time.

 

[nextstepdeath]

When you're ready you will feel calm and serene, even happy (because you're secure in what you're going to do no matter the method youre already past the fear). Depressed people that actually ctb show a weird sudden change for the better and then do it. If you're feeling anxious or generally negative about it then you're not ready. Give it some more time.

Thanks. My anxiety is dehabilitating, i can barely stand up straight. Not sure how I went from what I could have been to this. All I can feel is the way I have lost it all, the sheer anxiety of losing everything I could have been. I don't how to settle it into something to make an attempt on. Thanks again.
More phone calls, shattering anxiety. I will keep pushing until I am ready.
More pushing, readiness. Very very very very very stupid. Stupid. Never wanted a soulmate, just someone I got on with. You can't do anything in life until you know who you get on with. No one came through to me. Getting ready to go.

 

[nextstepdeath]

I find myself having to be nice while getting nothing out of life. While being beaten to death. Nothing makes a person more ready to die than living with that. I just hope I haven't been stripped/relieved/violated out of my methods of dying.
There's just so much to let go of.
'I don't want to talk to you' then don't. Disappear, vanish, let go forever.
I think an overdose is the only way out for me. Either that or death by lethal injection which won't happen anytime soon.

 

[nextstepdeath]

Mental health services are pushing antidepressants at me again. Apparently I am clinically depressed. Haha. I'm going to top myself, no medication and in particular sertraline is going to change that. I will take it as prescribed, it will probably help me die.
Antidepressants can't save someone's life.
It's coming. Going to do it.
I need to understand. I know I got things wrong. I know I got a lot of things wrong. I will never stop searching for what I should have done. If I have to carve it out on my body with a kitchen knife or a meat cleaver I will do it. Nothing will ever be ready until I understand how I got things wrong. I'll never get my death right otherwise, if you're used to getting things wrong how would a suicide attempt be any different?
Wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.

 

[sadlittleman32]

Thanks for all the kind posts and reactions to my previous reply.. I realized I am terrified of heights and will be using sn method for sure as I have found the famous dmc source but even that I've read it's not exactly peaceful but I've realized in the end if you want something bad enough you have to put in a little effort at least..

 

[nextstepdeath]

Cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool cool. Nonce nonce nonce nonce nonce nonce nonce nonce nonce nonce nonce. Everything is cool, nothing is nonce. My head is like a twister, nothing can be cool with me. So clever, so brave, so witty, so perfect, so trendy. Trend trend trend trend trend trend trend trend trend trend trend. Waiting for meds, I'm going to self destruct! Shit and blood and bone tooth and brain matter and cartelidge and pus! I'm going to devolve into a vegetable! Or dissolve into a skeleton! Time to charge! Inferno!
Epic suicide attempt! Epic fail! Epic win! Epic jump! Epic overdose!
I just ordered some amitriptyline. If they're going to put me on sertraline I will take matters into my own hands.

 

[nextstepdeath]

Mental health assessment. Going nowhere. No idea where to go. Not picking myself up at all. I was pushed. Pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed. Pushed beyond me.
Push! All life can ever be is one big fucking push! If I had been more secure maybe I could have prevented being pushed out of everything! But clearly not! I fucked up, I lost it all and now I'm ready to kill myself!