Enigma25
The No Mad Nomad
- Mar 19, 2025
- 76
I haven't been here in a while but I'm here to simply scream into the void. Responses are unnecessary, but I do enjoy feeling at minimum seen. Anyway…
I finally got the puppy I wanted. I legitimately believe being with him changed something chemically in me forever. I felt love for the first time. My mental health just declined and declined, and the guilt of not taking care of him the way I used to when I first got him led to me giving him to someone better off than me. Energy is contagious. I didn't have him for even a full year. His birthday was recent and I miss him everyday
When I mentioned it to my "brother" (I don't have any real family), he was surprised I got rid of him, since I said the loneliness of not having me would send me back to square one. Apparently, since I struggle to be independent, he and his wife both wondered how'd I'd manage to make keeping him work…which kinda hurt. I don't blame them for not having the most faith in me, but I wish they would've voiced a concern. I'm kind of bummed they let me get him despite thinking or knowing I couldn't handle it. But ultimately, it just reinforced that I'm lazy, unmotivated and too depressed often times to function. I can't even consistently stay on my meds. This causes me to spiral and lose my job often. I've not ever held a job for longer than a year. My not brother is extremely patient and helpful, but I got further reinforcement when he said "dude…What's it gonna take for you to be independent", since it meant him having to send me money again. I hate myself everytime I ask too.
I've been so lonely, i deliberately started seeing an ex again. We don't get along, but I'm admitting to myself that I am lonely, AND desperate. I'm not able to open up about how I feel when we hangout tooooo much, since I have primarily negative thoughts and he doesn't really know how to comfort me. I've been comforted, we just suck talking to each other. The last time I brought up suicide, he said "we need to have a serious conversation about what we are, especially because, well I don't know if I want to date someone suicidal" (he's had suicidal ideations too).
Recently, we got into an argument because he let slip that he speaks to his roommate about my mental health, and that he feels I've gotten better because I haven't mentioned suicide in a while… I haven't gotten better. I've gotten better being quiet around him
.
I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about a month ago too, which explains a lot in hindsight, but I don't have the coping skills or mechanisms learned yet, and I'm actually terrified to make new friends, go to work, and go in public in general.
I've thought about self harm more than I ever have in my life, and im getting closer to doing it but I'm afraid of the pain. I can feel it's gonna happen. I used to say I won't make it past 40yrs old, now, I'm sure it's 35. One day I won't make it to tomorrow. Seldom due I feel sad, or anything for that matter, and the effort of putting forth effort is a lot now. I hope everyone else I had hope. I simply expect what I've experienced. I can't prove myself or anyone else wrong.
I finally got the puppy I wanted. I legitimately believe being with him changed something chemically in me forever. I felt love for the first time. My mental health just declined and declined, and the guilt of not taking care of him the way I used to when I first got him led to me giving him to someone better off than me. Energy is contagious. I didn't have him for even a full year. His birthday was recent and I miss him everyday
When I mentioned it to my "brother" (I don't have any real family), he was surprised I got rid of him, since I said the loneliness of not having me would send me back to square one. Apparently, since I struggle to be independent, he and his wife both wondered how'd I'd manage to make keeping him work…which kinda hurt. I don't blame them for not having the most faith in me, but I wish they would've voiced a concern. I'm kind of bummed they let me get him despite thinking or knowing I couldn't handle it. But ultimately, it just reinforced that I'm lazy, unmotivated and too depressed often times to function. I can't even consistently stay on my meds. This causes me to spiral and lose my job often. I've not ever held a job for longer than a year. My not brother is extremely patient and helpful, but I got further reinforcement when he said "dude…What's it gonna take for you to be independent", since it meant him having to send me money again. I hate myself everytime I ask too.
I've been so lonely, i deliberately started seeing an ex again. We don't get along, but I'm admitting to myself that I am lonely, AND desperate. I'm not able to open up about how I feel when we hangout tooooo much, since I have primarily negative thoughts and he doesn't really know how to comfort me. I've been comforted, we just suck talking to each other. The last time I brought up suicide, he said "we need to have a serious conversation about what we are, especially because, well I don't know if I want to date someone suicidal" (he's had suicidal ideations too).
Recently, we got into an argument because he let slip that he speaks to his roommate about my mental health, and that he feels I've gotten better because I haven't mentioned suicide in a while… I haven't gotten better. I've gotten better being quiet around him
.I got diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder about a month ago too, which explains a lot in hindsight, but I don't have the coping skills or mechanisms learned yet, and I'm actually terrified to make new friends, go to work, and go in public in general.
I've thought about self harm more than I ever have in my life, and im getting closer to doing it but I'm afraid of the pain. I can feel it's gonna happen. I used to say I won't make it past 40yrs old, now, I'm sure it's 35. One day I won't make it to tomorrow. Seldom due I feel sad, or anything for that matter, and the effort of putting forth effort is a lot now. I hope everyone else I had hope. I simply expect what I've experienced. I can't prove myself or anyone else wrong.
