hyacinths
Member
- Sep 25, 2021
- 70
sometimes i find myself wondering if some people were just meant to die. if there's a specific type of person that is supposed to feel empty and suicidal most of the time, and that they were brought here just to eventually commit suicide. and then i wonder if i am that exact type of person. ive spent most of my life suffering from extreme anxiety and depression, i barely had a childhood because of it. i remember sitting on my bed, twelve years old, crying silently and begging for something to kill me. i remember begging god to finally end my life, despite not growing up in a religious household. yet i never had anything horrible happen in my life, nothing so horrible that a child would feel compelled to ask a higher power to end their life. was i just meant to always feel this way - lonely, empty, and hopeless? will i spend the rest of my days wishing for the courage to off myself until i finally muster up the courage? i could likely count the days on my hands that i have gone without thinking of suicide in the past ten years. its become a sort of comfort to me at this point, to know that one day ill be dead. i never anticipated to have a future out of high school and now that its here i wish more than ever that my first attempt had succeeded. no more pain, no more suffering. my life has gone nowhere and i sit in my parents house, unemployed and too unmotivated to start anything with the likely small amount of time i have left. i have no real friendships or connections with others - they're all shallow. its a bit sad, really, to know that the people around me all have such bright and happy lives yet here i am - seemingly destined to wish for nothing but death. how pathetic must i be in the eyes of people who are actually worth something.