Me, Idiot!

[Darknessallaround]

I had been building up a good stash of various medications, which taken together, I believe would have had a good chance of working in overdose.

My problem is that I couldn't lie when my CPN asked me if I was suicidal and did I have the means and the intent, she asked did I have the meds on me (I did, in the car) and she accompanied me out to the car and confiscated them. The alternative was for her to involve the Home Treatment Team, which would have meant my OH getting involved, something I definitely didn't want.

So now all the best stuff is long gone, destroyed, and I've no hope of getting any of it re-prescribed again. What I do have left I don't think is enough to OD on.

I kick myself every day for being too honest. Why couldn't I just lie and say no I wasn't intending to end my life, that I didn't have the means…?

Ever since I've been researching various methods, but none yet has jumped out at me as the one. The likely ones have turned out on further investigation to be slower and more painful than I had first imagined.

I think we all dream of a quick and painless death, I'm just not sure it exists.

 

[tom90]

So sorry to read this. But from what I researched when I was looking for my method, overdose using pills are rarely successful. You would probably end up vomiting and doing damage to your organs.
I can get any pills I want, but I decided not to go this route.

 

[Susannah]

It sounds like you want to live, and that's a good thing. Now you have to start working on living a life without being obsessed by methods to die. And please find some good things in your life. All the best for you S

 

[SawItOnce]

I get your frustration and regret, and I deeply feel for you...

I'm very familiar with spurting out things that it's very important to me to not be honest about. Hating myself after those stupid seconds of uncontrollable honesty. It's very painful and it feels like such a betrayal of myself, that nothing helps feeling better (some self induced delusions about how it's not so bad because _insert bitter and weak excuse here_ may try to repair my mind after that, but I feel all too well that it's bollocks coated in bollocks).

I think that the communication as opposed to isolation is so important and wanted, that it overrides anything else. Our brains just choose to go toward communication, if it's given the slightest impression of connection, and we happen to crave it deeply.

In the topic "How badly have I messed up?", started by @Stan I see the same thing, an exposure of the same vulnerability.

It's sad how many basic things can trick my brain into thinking a human connection is happening (a neutral touch, a polite response, a question -even if mocking ffs-, a lack of grimasse on the face of the person who's looking at me) and make it be all sincere and forthcoming and enthusiastic about being sincere.

All the moments I've been an idiot in my life, have happened because of this lack of discernment in the moment, when I just take whatever as connection when it isn't. Shit how it is embarassing and painful.

 

[azucaramargo]

It sounds like you want to live, and that's a good thing. Now you have to start working on living a life without being obsessed by methods to die. And please find some good things in your life. All the best for you S

This was good advice, Susannah, which I am taking for myself as well, if you please. :)

 

[Sweet emotion]

I had been building up a good stash of various medications, which taken together, I believe would have had a good chance of working in overdose.

My problem is that I couldn't lie when my CPN asked me if I was suicidal and did I have the means and the intent, she asked did I have the meds on me (I did, in the car) and she accompanied me out to the car and confiscated them. The alternative was for her to involve the Home Treatment Team, which would have meant my OH getting involved, something I definitely didn't want.

So now all the best stuff is long gone, destroyed, and I've no hope of getting any of it re-prescribed again. What I do have left I don't think is enough to OD on.

I kick myself every day for being too honest. Why couldn't I just lie and say no I wasn't intending to end my life, that I didn't have the means…?

Ever since I've been researching various methods, but none yet has jumped out at me as the one. The likely ones have turned out on further investigation to be slower and more painful than I had first imagined.

I think we all dream of a quick and painless death, I'm just not sure it exists.

Why did you tell her the truth? Did you secretly want to get caught?

So sorry to read this. But from what I researched when I was looking for my method, overdose using pills are rarely successful. You would probably end up vomiting and doing damage to your organs.
I can get any pills I want, but I decided not to go this route.

Not really. Do you realize how hard it is for someone who is in actual pain to get pain meds from doctors because the actual low life drug addicts have overdosed on them? That's why there's an opiod crisis sweeping the nation. That is why the FDA and the CDC is putting pressure on doctors who give them out to people who truly need them. I'm one of the people that have had to suffer because of recreational drug addicts and it makes me sick. My friend who has the same pain condition I do overdosed fine on them. You just have to have enough and know how to do it properly.