Venting 6 months of dedication to healing and I give up?

[thrashisland]

6 months ago I told myself I wasn't going to come back on this site and seek healing and actually happiness after getting violently raped. I had my head in the noose and everything ready but decided I couldn't let him win and had to keep going to make my abuser's life hell.

I went to therapy, I moved, I'm studying at an Ivy League, but I still have yet to find something I actually care about. I have a lot of friends and am invited to every party, I get good grades without trying, I've gotten every highly desired man I've ever wanted, Ive had people tell me they look up to me and everything should feel perfect but it isn't. I hate it all. At the end of the day I really just don't give a fuck. And not in a badass way but in a I wish I really did care but I just can't seem to feel that way.

I feel so incredibly empty despite it all. Nothing makes me feel genuinely good aside from drinking till I black out but even then that's not fun that's just coping.

I even met up with a group of strangers I met online for the thrill of things and that got old fast too. I think I'm going to start listing all my belongings online to sell before I decide to ctb. I feel guilty that nothing has been enough for me.

 

[SweetItalianS]

Hey thrashisland, sorry to hear about what you've went through. I think such low emotional state is a defensive mechanism created to protect you from the trauma, it might be wise to consult with the specialists, some kinds of medication or specific types of therapy might help you get out of that state of emptiness.

Sorry that I can't give you anything more specific as I have very little knowledge on the issue. Also I'd like to point out that you shouldn't feel guilt over the way it is for you, your brain does not work in a healthy way and it's not your fault, you've personally done a lot trying to change it. I wish that you'd be able to find the solution.

 

[blueberrypie]

I understand you perfectly, I too, cannot give less of a fuck. I have gone to a million therapists and cannot for the life of me find anything "to live for". I also feel the want to give up, but before then I will start living the way I want without trying to accomplish any big goals. I will be on the search for freedom and if that doesn't do anything for me I don't know what to do.

I wish you luck in your journey, and remember, you are never truly alone in how you feel.

Pretty cool how you got into an ivy league btw, even if it doesn't feel like it.