Venting Masking becoming more difficult

[Walpurgisnacht]

I used to be good at this, I've done it all my life. I don't know why I'm finding it harder to hide everything now. My real emotions or thoughts come through sometimes and it shows and I hate that. I could always conceal it, to the point everyone else thought I was a normal and well-adjusted person. But the cracks are becoming visible even to me now.
I just don't have the energy to keep it up constantly anymore... I don't want people to see how I really am, I don't want my facade to break. It already takes almost all my energy to maintain but nowadays I just don't have enough. I have to find excuses to leave and be alone so I can cry or hurt myself enough that it's stable again. I can't even cut myself anymore in case people notice that. I now often just cover my face and try to sleep as much as possible, even if I can't sleep, it at least looks like I am. I dunno.
I don't know what to do.

 

[mypersonalhell]

I could have written this myself unfortunately..

I don't really have any advice but you are not the only one with problem.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't belong in normal society either. It's so difficult to contain myself and even if I try some of it inevitably seeps out.

 

[plurkid]

I'm feeling the same lately. I'm afraid to go to work because I'm almost sure people will see through my fake smile. Usually I'm great at it but lately I'm just unable to find the energy to hold up the ruse. Lol it doesn't help that I work in a mental health facility where people are trained to see the little things.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

Usually I'm great at it but lately I'm just unable to find the energy to hold up the ruse.

Yeah it takes so much of my energy I sometimes just can't do anything else; sometimes it's so bad I can't even come up with an excuse as to why I need to leave a situation or not do something, I used to be good at that too.
Can't tell if it's physically becoming harder or if I'm losing the ability.

some of it inevitably seeps out.

Yeah... It's impossible to catch everything I suppose. A lot more is slipping through than before.

I'm sorry so many of you have the same issue...

 

[sorella santini]

Right there with ya. Everyday a struggle. I just try to take it day by day- with my exit plan in the back of my mind. That seems to make things more bearable for me.

 

[warriorofeld]

I'm feeling the same lately. I'm afraid to go to work because I'm almost sure people will see through my fake smile. Usually I'm great at it but lately I'm just unable to find the energy to hold up the ruse. Lol it doesn't help that I work in a mental health facility where people are trained to see the little things.

I work at a cookie factory and everyone notices shit like that.

 

[Lullaby]

Same with me! It's really anxiety inducing.

If I'm in a bad mood (which is almost always), I can't put on a poker face anymore and people can tell through my voice if I'm on the phone.

If something really upsets me, I breakdown in public and start crying. It's really embarrassing.

It feels like the more you go on, the more broken down you become. I used to be a master at this stuff, but it's really hard now.

 

[FuneralCry]

That does sound really tiring what you have to go through, there really is no relief from suffering in this world and I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation. But anyway, I wish you the best.

 

[Walpurgisnacht]

with my exit plan in the back of my mind. That seems to make things more bearable for me.

Yeah, I have to agree that having equipment for an emergency exit around in a place I know I can get to (my car) is definitely helpful. It makes me feel less trapped to know I always have a way out if I need it; even if that specific one wouldn't be my first choice knowing I wouldn't have to wait and could immediately escape is definitely calming.

It feels like the more you go on, the more broken down you become. I used to be a master at this stuff, but it's really hard now.

Yeah, unfortunately that sounds very relatable, I have no idea if it's reversible but if my life is any indication it doesn't seem to be. I wish it was, I hope it is at least for others. I'm sorry dear...

That does sound really tiring what you have to go through, there really is no relief from suffering in this world and I'm sorry that you are trapped in this situation. But anyway, I wish you the best.

You're right, yeah. I find the longer I'm around the less relief in things I can find. Even if in the moment I feel alright, I know that it can flip on a dime out of nowhere at any moment, and it's extremely anxiety inducing to know that.
Apparently a "sense of foreshortened future" is common in traumatised people, and I know after my failed CTB attempt my future past maybe a few hours was just fog, it's terrifying not knowing what might be coming even in the same day. Everything can collapse so quickly so easily and it's so hard to live through that.
Thank you. I wish you the best too dear.