Discussion Making things easier for loved ones

[madeincruddy]

My first post here.

Apologies if the way I type is wordy/redundant, this is kinda just my stream of consciousness as of right now.

Part of me knows this is a naive thought, but is there anything you can do to make your death less painful/traumatizing to those around you?

I'm most concerned about my immediate family, my boyfriend, and another friend struggling with suicidal ideation.

My relationship with my family has never been the best, but I know they love me. My dad's old, old enough that any majorly stressful event could very well kill him. My mom is the only parent working. I have siblings, they're all adults, albeit young adults that have yet to move out. Whenever I think about dying, I imagine how catastrophic it'd be for my family.

My boyfriend's too good for me. He's probably the most patient person I know, and the only person to 100% support me through my struggles with mental illness. There's no doubt in my mind that he loves me.

I have another friend who's currently going in and out of treatment for their own suicidal ideation. I haven't been able to update them on how I've been doing. They don't know that I've been falling apart, too.

That being said, what can I do for them? I'm so worn down. I've lost all ability to cope with the stress of life, I just have this feeling I'm going to die very soon. With how things are going, it doesn't even feel like suicide anymore. It moreso feels like something is killing me. Not something tangible, just something that hates me. I don't know if that explanation makes sense at all.

The most important thing to me is that my loved ones don't have to see my body. I'm not going to die at home. I'll keep identification on me, but is that enough for authorities? Not to mention, what's gonna happen after my body is found? Will I be returned to my family? Will my efforts be rendered obsolete? I dunno, it just feels like it'd be too much.

I'd leave a note for everyone, but what could I even say to make it better? Maybe that there was no helping me. That I love them and I'll watch over them. I don't particularly believe in any sort of afterlife, but if it brings them comfort, I'd say anything.

I've considered trying to cut my boyfriend and friend off, either find a way to make them hate me or forget about me, but that still just feels unfair. They're good people.

Realistically, I know there's almost nothing I can do. It just fucks me up. If I could, I'd go back in time and stay a hermit so no one would have to grieve me when I inevitably killed myself. Ideally, I could just erase myself from existence entirely, but that's not possible.

Maybe it's better to just be wilfully ignorant. It's not like I'd be around to see them grieve. It's just hard for me to get into that mindset.

What do you guys think?

 

[rottenandabused]

There's no way to soften the blow of losing a loved one to suicide. You might be thinking to suddenly become a dislikable person, but that won't change the possibility of guilt for not seeing through the facade.

 

[PiercingsEchos]

I mean blowing your brains out and leaving a horrific site for them to see is traumatic compared to less gory methods like hanging and Over dosing.

 

[-Link-]

Sometimes suicide doesn't so much put an end to one's suffering as it just spreads their suffering to their surviving loved ones. While you die -- and your troubles are over -- your suffering doesn't die with you, instead it lives on through your loved ones in their newfound lives, the product of shock, grief, guilt, anger, sadness, and loss.

For you, an extremely challenging spot to be in, as someone looking at ending their life.

The immediate question is: How set are you on ending your life? These people who apparently love you and care about you so much that you feel such guilt over this... Would any of them be willing to help you find a path to continued life, whatever form that might take? What would happen if you told someone about your plans but talked to them in such a way as to be asking for help (ie. not inviting help "forced on you" but more of a "voluntarily involuntarily" situation)?

Intentionally damaging relationships doesn't read to me as a viable option. Even best laid plans can go awry. Say you plan to die next month and proceed to destroy your relationships over the next few weeks. But then "suicide day" rolls around, and you change your mind. But oh wait, you've destroyed all your relationships, so now not only are you stuck in this life, but you've alienated everyone you love. No, this path would be ill-advised, I believe.

In a case where suicide is inevitable, then in the ideal scenario you would be able to have conversations with some of your loved ones and talk to them about your intentions, at least alluding to them that you're suffering too much and that you need to go. This, to allow them to brace for impact. But we don't live in an ideal world, and these conversations may not be possible. The only fallback I can see is, in the time leading up to it, make an effort to connect with each of them in a very meaningful way -- something that shows them all the love and care you feel from them and for them. And leave behind notes that detail in length about thought process, reasoning, treatments or efforts you tried, absolving them of guilt as you believe appropriate, and telling them what you wish for them going forward in life.

This, however, only amounts to making the godawfully-unbearable ever so slightly less godawfully-unbearable. There is very little you would be able to do to relieve their grief.

You sound like someone who might be rather laser-focused(?) on the idea of dying. The thing is, once you're dead, you're dead. That's all there is to it. Your troubles are over. If, in this, you find yourself so consumed with this guilt over your loved ones, what if you gave them a chance to help you find relief in life rather than in death? This really depends on a lot of factors. But once you drop the "s word", "suicide", and you demonstrate a seriousness about it (tell them / show them a specific plan and ready access to the means and imminent intent in carrying out your plan -- all three of these elements present = psychiatric emergency), that tends to open a lot of doors and opportunities as far as family and friends and medical officials taking you seriously. Tell them the whole truth, give them the opportunity to help as best they can (while allowing for missteps on their part as they navigate an urgent, scary learning process for them), engage whatever that looks like (treatment? hospital?), and maybe you come out the other end of it in a way where you're feeling a little better. Not perfect. But improved, and perhaps with a foundation to build upon from there.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Your ID is not enough for the authorities. Your body will need to be identified, and there will be a full investigation.

 

[madeincruddy]

You sound like someone who might be rather laser-focused(?) on the idea of dying. The thing is, once you're dead, you're dead. That's all there is to it. Your troubles are over. If, in this, you find yourself so consumed with this guilt over your loved ones, what if you gave them a chance to help you find relief in life rather than in death?

I think I sounded a lot less hesitant about death in my initial post than I really am, being in an emotional state and all. If it gives any amount of clarity, I'm not an active danger to myself. I've just been experiencing more of an uptick in passive ideation with the potential to progress into something more active. My suicidality is moreso my desire to escape from the 'thing that's killing me' than the absence of a will to live.

I do appreciate your message, though. It's hard for me to fully divulge details about how I'm struggling to my loved ones. My family in particular I have a hard time talking to, my parents have improved over the years but I have my past with them. It's mostly a matter of finding a way to verbalize my pain that makes sense to them, lest they take it as an attack on their parenting. When it comes to non-family, I'm more scared of being a burden, as much as someone might love me. I get myself all wound up thinking about how they'll run out of patience or grace for me soon. Though I know that's a 'me' problem to get over, lol.

Still, I agree it's better to reach out and give them the chance to help me. As much of a problem I think I am, I know they'd prefer me alive.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to reply to me, I think it was able to give me a refreshed perspective on my current situation.

 

[-Link-]

Still, I agree it's better to reach out and give them the chance to help me. As much of a problem I think I am, I know they'd prefer me alive.

Personally, it took me years of talking to my parents about things before they were able to fully understand what was going on. And even then, I'm guessing they still struggle with a lot. So, with parents, it can be a long road that requires patience on each of your parts and a willingness to remember and consider each other's perspectives.

Any half-decent parent would rather know their child is struggling than be blindsided by their child's suicide.

In initially approaching them, instead of trying to have a verbal conversation, I would suggest writing them a letter. In a conversation, it's easy to start feeling overwhelmed, you get those self-doubts creeping in your head ("I'm burdening them right now"; "they don't want to hear this"; "why are they looking at me like that"; "what did their tone imply"; etc.), interruptions happen, misunderstandings can happen, details get forgotten, you can feel panicky, etc.

In figuring out what to say, it would help to think about it in part from their perspective. If you were a parent of a child, what would you want to hear from your child in this scenario? You could start by telling them you care about your relationship with them and that you want to be honest and open with them. Tell them about your mental health struggles -- you could open up this dialogue with just the main points and save smaller details for later conversations. In this, you'd probably do well to avoid using clinical terms ("depressed", "anxious", etc.) and try to use layman's terms (eg. "depression" could be "feeling sad and overwhelmed by darkness all the time"; "anhedonia" could be "can no longer enjoy the things I used to like doing"; "social anxiety" could be "debilitating chest discomfort when around people"; "generalized anxiety" could be "racing thoughts that make it hard for me to focus on the important stuff"; etc.).

Tell them of your hesitations in reaching out -- that you feel as if you're a burden to others or worry about being misunderstood. You could qualify this by saying it comes from your own internal self-doubts rather than anything the other person has necessarily said or done.

Let them know what they can do to help you while also acknowledging you're not expecting them to "fix you" but rather to listen to you and hear you without necessarily trying to "fix" all the time. Just being with you and hearing you and offering you a supporting ear without judgement or "fixes" can be a huge help.

Personally, I usually advocate full disclosure as far as suicidality, so if that's a thing, then I suggest telling them that. This, because when you're seeking help from another person, the more of the "whole picture" they have, the better-positioned they'll be to actually help. (This is seen a lot in therapy where patients sometimes hold back on details including critical need-to-know information for the part of the therapist.) You can make it clear you're not actively suicidal and tell them there is a stark difference between passive suicidality and active suicidality. If they suggest an overreaction like going to the hospital, tell them you wouldn't be eligible for admission because that requires the presence of three elements: a detailed plan, ready access to the means, and imminent intent to carry out the plan (without all three of these elements, a hospital will not admit).

If communicating by letter, you could end off by again reassuring them as far as how you value their relationship and want to be open and vulnerable with them, and invite them to follow up with you once they've digested it and whenever they're ready.

For yourself, whoever you open up to, try to be patient with them as far as them possibly making judgemental comments or misunderstanding or pushing unwanted advice or fixes on you, etc. Most likely, it'll be a learning experience for them, and their learning curve could be pretty significant. Try to remember that whatever their response is and however they approach it, it comes from the kind of love and care that would also lead you to experience the guilt you're feeling over your own suicidality.

Being able to have this ongoing dialogue with parents is a learning curve for all parties involved -- yourself included. I can tell you from personal experience, it takes time and lots of patience, and there are growing pains. But the end result is worth it.