Making the fundamental decision

[Viov]

Hi all,
I wonder if anyone had any advice:
Following a trip to Beachy Head I have been under the care of the crisis team who, after eventually sectioning me after 2 months, have now discharged me and moved me to CMHT care - which at present with a totally overloaded system means absolutely nothing, you are in your own basically. I am not doing well, despite telling the psychiatrist at the hospital I was so I could get discharged ASAP because the noises and alarms there drove me crazy (I am an autistic adult). Now we are back in lockdown and its not going well.... I have two options: trying to pick up the pieces, get back to work, start the projects I had planned and crack on as usual or decide to just go and leave. I know with lockdown we aren't really allowed to travel but it wouldn't matter if one went to ctb I suppose.... I just can't seem to get myself to get 'back on track', and I don't even know if I want to/have enough energy. So I feel like I am just floating, days are passing by and I do nothing properly because I am avoiding the fundamental questions of so I want to stay or do I want to go? If I decided to stay I presume I should try and seek real help but if I want to go I should stop wasting time and hanging around.... any thoughts? It feels like I am in limbo.... with nothing being as it usually is and a number of other bad things happening lately on top of this, I feel I have lost the ability to focus to make any rational decisions.... sorry for long post... thanks for listening ❤

 

[Spitfire]

It depends on how bad you want to go I guess? I want to go but I am still hanging around. I do not think of it as wasting time or anything though. I hope you can figure out what to do next.

 

[Aliali1992]

Don't do it with the lockdown going down as it is likely impairing your judgment. Almost everyone is suffering let alone people who already had issues. I would say wait until the life is back to normal (which would start this summer) and then evaluate the situation again.

 

[shadowchaser]

If you are at all uncertain, I think that would be sufficient reason for you to stay. There is absolutely no need to decide anything at the moment. "Wasting time" is completely okay; sometimes time is just what one needs. As you said, you feel that you've lost ability to focus in making rational decisions. It's good that you can recognize that. I hope everything works out

 

[Viov]

I think its more I really want to go but for me to be sure it had to be Beachy Head. Anything else is too risky. And because right now this isn't am option due to lockdown I can't concentrate on anything else or put my heart into anything else because I feel I shouldn't be here in the first place Oo

 

[Meditation guide]

I feel I have lost the ability to focus to make any rational decisions.

I don't know you so this advice probably won't work but here goes;

I force myself to function. It takes effort. I don't want to do a damned thing and it's incredibly hard. But I push myself to do things I need to do. The more I do that, the easier things get although they are still hard. As I said, I apologize if it is not possible for you.

After being sectioned it's doubly hard to do. You are used to the institutional life. You are used to thinking you cannot do anything. You have "learned helplessness". So try to fight through it and get back on track, if possible.

 

[Viov]

I don't know you so this advice probably won't work but here goes;

I force myself to function. It takes effort. I don't want to do a damned thing and it's incredibly hard. But I push myself to do things I need to do. The more I do that, the easier things get although they are still hard. As I said, I apologize if it is not possible for you.

After being sectioned it's doubly hard to do. You are used to the institutional life. You are used to thinking you cannot do anything. You have "learned helplessness". So try to fight through it and get back on track, if possible.

I have been wondering whether I should just do that. I didn't feel I should have been sectioned and got out after 6 days as they agreed I shouldn't be there.... but it doesn't feel right to still be here, I really wanted to ctb. I briefly considered the option of therapies being able to help me but the wait time is 18 months so it isn't really an option. So I now feel there is no support as the crisis team discharged me and while I was willing to give it a shot to see if it could help now I feel as nothing is available I am just left in limbo Oo

 

[Meditation guide]

I have been wondering whether I should just do that. I didn't feel I should have been sectioned and got out after 6 days as they agreed I shouldn't be there.... but it doesn't feel right to still be here, I really wanted to ctb. I briefly considered the option of therapies being able to help me but the wait time is 18 months so it isn't really an option. So I now feel there is no support as the crisis team discharged me and while I was willing to give it a shot to see if it could help now I feel as nothing is available I am just left in limbo Oo

I'm sorry they abandoned you. Again I hate giving advice which is probably way off the mark but if you are able to you may be able to therapy yourself somehow. My feeling is, after seeing a few therapists, that you know yourself better than anyone. The therapists I saw were not helpful. Youtube videos are extremely helpful if you find the right ones. Or they were in my case at least with the issues I was having.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

This limbo of UK lockdown is gonna f up many people's mental health that's for sure.

 

[darksideofthebright]

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. Being under lockdown and having lost the ability to focus certainly don't help in the slightest. I don't know you personally so certain parts of my suggestion won't apply to you. I was in a similar state like you're currently in, and personally for me, I looked around and took into considerations all the possible resources of support that I could exhaust, and I exhausted them. You need to remember that you have the rights to demand support if there is any.

When everything was going on, I secured a safety blanket by choosing my definite ctb method (which is a luxury to many) and I decided to give things my last shots. If they go wrong, I will always have that safety blanket as an option to leave immediately. Having secured my safety blanket, I did gain back my ability to focus on things, not amazingly, but much better than before. Also, if you have doubts, that should probably be enough for you to reconsider certain things in life to get to the roots of why you have those doubts. Just try by thinking: "What would make me happy/less rubbish right now/in the very near future?", and see whether that's something achievable.

I also made a comfort playlist of songs and list of films/shows to distract myself when things aren't too great, but not too terrible that I want to ctb. A big part of it is just distracting myself from life while I try to function like I would normally.

That's just what I do to keep myself going one day at a time. Not sure how helpful that is but I really hope you can figure out what is best for you. Sending you hugs.