knivesandcuddles
Member
- May 7, 2025
- 12
It was a week ago - the last morning I'd share with @spark (it/its pronouns), and a week from tomorrow that spark would kill itself. I know fully well how awful it is when suicide begets more suicide, but...I started a list again, for many reasons. I've all but committed to fucking off and dying, I think. Which is to say...I'm mentally ready to die already, but I have things unfinished, and once those are through, I'll deliberate about it again...and probably not take my time, nor drag a partner into it this time, nor vent about this to anyone off of SaSu. I want to make it to spark's funeral, but I also just don't know if I can stand to make it that long.
A tl;dr so that this thread can stand on its own without referencing lots of other long ones - spark and I tried to die together, and failed. spark being homeless and nowhere else to go, I let spark stay at my place with me for a month and a half or so (oh for fucks sake, I just did the math and it was 42 days). spark still ultimately killed itself in the end, only saying goodbye to those on SaSu. spark and I were, well...close, because of that shared trauma of a partnered attempt to CTB. We explicitly decided against dating each other, but it's also wrong to deny that it was..."intimate," saying "I love you" every now and then in the same way that best friends do, but also kind of with an intensity higher than that. A week ago last night, I was holding spark as we fell asleep in my tiny shared bed, and then less than 24 hours after spark had moved out of my place, it had killed itself shortly after waking up.
I was the first to inform many of spark's community and loved ones. I had to explain how I knew what I knew, why I was the first to be delivering that news. I had to talk to police. I had ugly breakdowns in public, sobbing that spark left how it did, actively choosing to die in pain.
spark and I both experienced psychosis, and we'd frequently talk about our dissociation, or hallucinations, or paranoia. We'd talk about how it felt like reality itself was falling apart, and that the timeline we lived on was constantly jumping around and how larger and larger things weren't staying consistent. For example, we'd experience the same thing and then observe it in a completely different state later on, and be able to confirm to one another that we both saw it happen.
Shortly after spark died... it felt like I could still see and hear spark with me. It was distinct from the memories of spark horndogging for death, and dragging kink into wanting to die, and being able to recall spark vigorously nodding and making deranged jokes like "doggy can have a little euthanasia, as a treat? it deserves to be put down? uwu" No, hearing spark was different that time. It was spark screaming at me that everything we feared about this world was true, and that none of it is real. It was spark begging me to find my way out of this world. And then it stopped. I haven't had hallucinations of spark in any of the past ~3 or 4 days, despite drinking myself sick, or smoking nonstop, or getting high on weed, or any of the unending pain and emptiness.
That "schizo instinct" was good enough to keep us from being trafficked near a train station. spark trusted me when I felt that paranoia hit. I trusted spark's. And...quite frankly, that's good enough for me now. It's already a strong enough reason to be committed to finding a way out again. I had told spark before it died that I was considering finding a facility to get myself therapy after all the intense trauma I'd been through... Yeah...voluntarily going back into the abusive world of crisis clinics. But, spark also didn't explicitly want me to go on living. We would say to each other "I hope [you] find what [you're] looking for." And at this point, it definitely feels like I'm continuing to live through what I already know to be hell.
---
My life, especially since transitioning and starting HRT in 2022, has been mostly a series of traumas and absolute nightmares. I spent much of the past month waking up after nightmares, and crying that I couldn't fall back asleep and return to them. Losing my job. Losing my house. Struggling to make ends meet. Contractually indentured to the military, and asked to take over a large chunk of nationwide weapons engineering (I fucked off as hard as I could). Trauma from crisis clinics and failed attempts. Dropping out of school because, and I shit you not, becoming a national-sized target for persecution. Losing a soulmate type of partner. Fleeing the state I was living in in the US to another state. Being taken advantage of and abused. Raped. Having to call out pedophilia in the trans community, more than once. Getting injured at a low-paying job, not making ends meet at all. Taking care of a partner that became suddenly homeless. Taking care of a partner going through abuse back at home. Going through being abused myself, both emotionally and even physically. Losing friends. Being isolated. Struggling to hold onto others around me trying to kill themselves. Losing another job. Losing more friends. Eventually fleeing the US altogether when Trump came into power and made it clear they meant genocide...
When I moved to Germany, I brought one of my exes with me. I...thought it was important to use my privilege to help literally anyone else make it out of the US. But...my ex managed to isolate me from friends I made before even coming here. It absolutely destroyed me to have to start over, again, and already lose the only close friend I had left at all. For that friend to push me away and start flirting with my ex in front me too, actually.
When people like Trump generalize statements like "trans people are grooming children," we understand that it's not only a classic children's "they did it" deflection of responsibility (sorry to remind you about Epstein's connections to literally everyone with wealth or power), but also a gross generalization towards minorities. But when it's someone new you meet saying "this other person makes me feel unsafe," then that vague generalization about a single person is much more believable, even if it might actually be the same "they did it" kind of deflection. That's what my ex, and my fellow refugee, did to me. Feelings are valid, yes. But, not when deliberately using imprecise language to create a narrative of abuse that wasn't ever happening. The burden shouldn't be on me to prove that I cared a lot about...the person I helped flee..?
Not only did I lose the closest friend I had, I was failing to make new ones too. Nearly every new person I'd try to talk to would suddenly refuse to speak to me, and then I'd see them already hanging out with my ex. I only later learned about the whole "feeling unsafe/terrified" of me thing because...everyone took my ex's word for it. Even after trying to reconnect with that one good friend I made before coming here, I got screamed at over text for how I treated my ex...as I was standing in line at the immigration office making sure that neither of us would get deported that week. Paying rent for my ex the whole time. Everything I did for my ex, up to the point of realizing just how much I had been taken advantage of...it all just meant nothing.
Rather, the people I had closest in my life whenever I wasn't 100% isolated, prior to attempting with spark, were all abusive. spark was a wonderful being, even if we didn't always get along trying to live together in my tiny non-bedroom (because yeah, I rented a one-bedroom apartment and let my ex have the bedroom, too).
This entire time, I was fighting to stay hopeful that life could get better - that I had all the tools to actually make that happen. I was actually *safe* for once. This was a place I could actually make home. That I could find purpose in giving what I could to help others, especially immigrants and refugees. But I lost everyone, and nobody that was left could really see the extent that it devastated me. I spent months isolated in a country I'd never been to. I eventually even just...gave up, trying to meet new people. This whole time, I just deeply wanted to find any amount of companionship, or maybe even love, but I was pushing myself to stay functional through some of the hardest days of my life. I eventually asked spark if it would want to do it together, being that spark had the impulsivity to see to it that we actually attempted, and I had the deliberation of wanting an attempt to guarantee that I actually die. spark would blame me for saving it, yes, but i also blame it for the attempt being rushed. Hard to feel anything else besides that I was truly supposed to die that day.
---
Now, spark is gone, and I'm back to the same problem as before, plus the trauma of losing someone I loved so much. People have been asking me about what happened, and I've had to not only deliver the news to those who knew spark longer than me, but it's even turning into situations of meeting people that want to be around me again.
I...hate it. It's so fucked up that spark had to die for me to meet new friends. It's like blood money... I don't want any of it... I don't even believe that I can find the things I'm looking for from this world anymore. I don't even care if it's delusional, I'm more at peace choosing to believe that spark was telling me to get myself out of this nightmare. I've tried for so long to find happiness for myself and to meet people that can help me be my best self, but all I've ever found were people who took from me, became overly-dependent on me, or outright abused me. It goes without saying that I have no family in my life either. I can't even own a pet in my apartment.
I'm ready for it to be over. I might follow up as things go on. Right now, I have something to look forward to, and that's finishing my new todo list.
A tl;dr so that this thread can stand on its own without referencing lots of other long ones - spark and I tried to die together, and failed. spark being homeless and nowhere else to go, I let spark stay at my place with me for a month and a half or so (oh for fucks sake, I just did the math and it was 42 days). spark still ultimately killed itself in the end, only saying goodbye to those on SaSu. spark and I were, well...close, because of that shared trauma of a partnered attempt to CTB. We explicitly decided against dating each other, but it's also wrong to deny that it was..."intimate," saying "I love you" every now and then in the same way that best friends do, but also kind of with an intensity higher than that. A week ago last night, I was holding spark as we fell asleep in my tiny shared bed, and then less than 24 hours after spark had moved out of my place, it had killed itself shortly after waking up.
I was the first to inform many of spark's community and loved ones. I had to explain how I knew what I knew, why I was the first to be delivering that news. I had to talk to police. I had ugly breakdowns in public, sobbing that spark left how it did, actively choosing to die in pain.
spark and I both experienced psychosis, and we'd frequently talk about our dissociation, or hallucinations, or paranoia. We'd talk about how it felt like reality itself was falling apart, and that the timeline we lived on was constantly jumping around and how larger and larger things weren't staying consistent. For example, we'd experience the same thing and then observe it in a completely different state later on, and be able to confirm to one another that we both saw it happen.
Shortly after spark died... it felt like I could still see and hear spark with me. It was distinct from the memories of spark horndogging for death, and dragging kink into wanting to die, and being able to recall spark vigorously nodding and making deranged jokes like "doggy can have a little euthanasia, as a treat? it deserves to be put down? uwu" No, hearing spark was different that time. It was spark screaming at me that everything we feared about this world was true, and that none of it is real. It was spark begging me to find my way out of this world. And then it stopped. I haven't had hallucinations of spark in any of the past ~3 or 4 days, despite drinking myself sick, or smoking nonstop, or getting high on weed, or any of the unending pain and emptiness.
That "schizo instinct" was good enough to keep us from being trafficked near a train station. spark trusted me when I felt that paranoia hit. I trusted spark's. And...quite frankly, that's good enough for me now. It's already a strong enough reason to be committed to finding a way out again. I had told spark before it died that I was considering finding a facility to get myself therapy after all the intense trauma I'd been through... Yeah...voluntarily going back into the abusive world of crisis clinics. But, spark also didn't explicitly want me to go on living. We would say to each other "I hope [you] find what [you're] looking for." And at this point, it definitely feels like I'm continuing to live through what I already know to be hell.
---
My life, especially since transitioning and starting HRT in 2022, has been mostly a series of traumas and absolute nightmares. I spent much of the past month waking up after nightmares, and crying that I couldn't fall back asleep and return to them. Losing my job. Losing my house. Struggling to make ends meet. Contractually indentured to the military, and asked to take over a large chunk of nationwide weapons engineering (I fucked off as hard as I could). Trauma from crisis clinics and failed attempts. Dropping out of school because, and I shit you not, becoming a national-sized target for persecution. Losing a soulmate type of partner. Fleeing the state I was living in in the US to another state. Being taken advantage of and abused. Raped. Having to call out pedophilia in the trans community, more than once. Getting injured at a low-paying job, not making ends meet at all. Taking care of a partner that became suddenly homeless. Taking care of a partner going through abuse back at home. Going through being abused myself, both emotionally and even physically. Losing friends. Being isolated. Struggling to hold onto others around me trying to kill themselves. Losing another job. Losing more friends. Eventually fleeing the US altogether when Trump came into power and made it clear they meant genocide...
When I moved to Germany, I brought one of my exes with me. I...thought it was important to use my privilege to help literally anyone else make it out of the US. But...my ex managed to isolate me from friends I made before even coming here. It absolutely destroyed me to have to start over, again, and already lose the only close friend I had left at all. For that friend to push me away and start flirting with my ex in front me too, actually.
When people like Trump generalize statements like "trans people are grooming children," we understand that it's not only a classic children's "they did it" deflection of responsibility (sorry to remind you about Epstein's connections to literally everyone with wealth or power), but also a gross generalization towards minorities. But when it's someone new you meet saying "this other person makes me feel unsafe," then that vague generalization about a single person is much more believable, even if it might actually be the same "they did it" kind of deflection. That's what my ex, and my fellow refugee, did to me. Feelings are valid, yes. But, not when deliberately using imprecise language to create a narrative of abuse that wasn't ever happening. The burden shouldn't be on me to prove that I cared a lot about...the person I helped flee..?
Not only did I lose the closest friend I had, I was failing to make new ones too. Nearly every new person I'd try to talk to would suddenly refuse to speak to me, and then I'd see them already hanging out with my ex. I only later learned about the whole "feeling unsafe/terrified" of me thing because...everyone took my ex's word for it. Even after trying to reconnect with that one good friend I made before coming here, I got screamed at over text for how I treated my ex...as I was standing in line at the immigration office making sure that neither of us would get deported that week. Paying rent for my ex the whole time. Everything I did for my ex, up to the point of realizing just how much I had been taken advantage of...it all just meant nothing.
Rather, the people I had closest in my life whenever I wasn't 100% isolated, prior to attempting with spark, were all abusive. spark was a wonderful being, even if we didn't always get along trying to live together in my tiny non-bedroom (because yeah, I rented a one-bedroom apartment and let my ex have the bedroom, too).
This entire time, I was fighting to stay hopeful that life could get better - that I had all the tools to actually make that happen. I was actually *safe* for once. This was a place I could actually make home. That I could find purpose in giving what I could to help others, especially immigrants and refugees. But I lost everyone, and nobody that was left could really see the extent that it devastated me. I spent months isolated in a country I'd never been to. I eventually even just...gave up, trying to meet new people. This whole time, I just deeply wanted to find any amount of companionship, or maybe even love, but I was pushing myself to stay functional through some of the hardest days of my life. I eventually asked spark if it would want to do it together, being that spark had the impulsivity to see to it that we actually attempted, and I had the deliberation of wanting an attempt to guarantee that I actually die. spark would blame me for saving it, yes, but i also blame it for the attempt being rushed. Hard to feel anything else besides that I was truly supposed to die that day.
---
Now, spark is gone, and I'm back to the same problem as before, plus the trauma of losing someone I loved so much. People have been asking me about what happened, and I've had to not only deliver the news to those who knew spark longer than me, but it's even turning into situations of meeting people that want to be around me again.
I...hate it. It's so fucked up that spark had to die for me to meet new friends. It's like blood money... I don't want any of it... I don't even believe that I can find the things I'm looking for from this world anymore. I don't even care if it's delusional, I'm more at peace choosing to believe that spark was telling me to get myself out of this nightmare. I've tried for so long to find happiness for myself and to meet people that can help me be my best self, but all I've ever found were people who took from me, became overly-dependent on me, or outright abused me. It goes without saying that I have no family in my life either. I can't even own a pet in my apartment.
I'm ready for it to be over. I might follow up as things go on. Right now, I have something to look forward to, and that's finishing my new todo list.
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