Venting Love them both but hate them too

[Red]

18yo son and bf of over 8 years, now fiancé, have absolutely zero patience for each other, literally zilch, and it's driving me crazy!

eg: son's computer and drawing tablet been plugged in downstairs for weeks; in the way of Xmas buffet space on kitchen table. Bf goes to move it, son leaps over, shouting - one retort from bf about it not really being a great place to keep it, son fires off an f-word while explaining his reasons, "It f***ing turns itself off if you knock it!" or something to that effect. Yeeesh.

eg: shower has been playing up, bf changed shower head the day before. Son comes out of completed shower saying it's playing up, bf says he'll look at it tomorrow. Son wanders off, comes back minutes later reiterating his complaints and bf snaps at him, annoyed he's pushing the point (doesn't say this), and tells him to leave the room immediately. Gaaaah.

I've tried mediation, explaining one's position to the other and vice versa, yet there is never any consideration for the other's side. Never any apology unless something is being held to ransom. If one ever has a problem with the other, they whinge to anyone but the person they should be talking to and bitch behind their back, passively aggressively lashing out at each other and catching others in the crossfire rather than openly discuss their problems to find a solution together. If a problem is somehow raised (usually when I refuse to get involved), it's either brought up aggressively or the response is way off kilter, sparking off conflict within the first or second sentence, leaving the issue exposed but the other guy then deliberately refuses to acknowledge the problem, let alone work towards resolution

I've tried encouraging them to bond over common ground - hell, they have to coexist alone when I'm super ill n out of action, they seem ok then?? Maybe it still happens but I'm just not there to see/hear it lol

It's frustrating and upsetting- there's simply no need for them to spark off at each other so quickly and easily and I'm really struggling with it - it exactly the way my son was/is with his father; absolutely no respect, the feeling of being victimised, the refusal to fall in line unless he's sucking up for some reason or other. My bf is a bit stuck-up n stubborn and seems to think that he knows bad parenting when he sees it but can't quite get the feel for good parenting? It just comes off judgemental and not constructive in the least...

Pointing this out to either of them doesn't do anything, they just grunt and try to say that their personal faults are but a fraction of the other's, like that's a reason not to improve yourself??

These two people that I love most were the ones keeping me from finally giving everything all up for so long and now I'd happily ctb just to escape them and their crappy dynamic

I wish I had the strength to rise above or be able to resolve it properly between them but am struggling with another body flare that makes me unable to deal with my own crap, let alone anyone else's!

Argh! I'd say it was "bloddy mans" but I know full well we wamins are just as bad lol argh at poopy people poop

 

[Ghost2211]

That sounds very stressful for everyone involved. What about family therapy?

 

[Red]

Not sure if I could convince either of them to go? They're both extremely stubborn and refuse to see things from anyone else's point of view - I suspect that paying a stranger to tell them that will be a waste of money

 

[LivideLamb]

They're both extremely stubborn and refuse to see things from anyone else's point of view

This problem seems to be very stressful and I'm sorry that you have to deal with all of that.

With that being said, maybe be more "egoistical"... If they don't want to see each other points of view and even try with little steps to understand one another, or atleast, not be in constant fighting state, think of you. Like you said, trying to make them change didn't do much, and going to family therapy isn't an option.
So instead of expecting them to switch their positions, how about you switch your position? With different method, you could let your feelings float ; still feeling and exposing them, but not letting them drown you.
Meditation, helicopter view technique, deep breathing, not putting oil on an already burning fire, etc, etc...

Sending good vibes your way !

 

[Red]

Not sure I get your angle but have adopted a very detached approach - Xmas alcohol helps with this - however I feel there are issues that are buried so deep neither of them really know what they are!
I hate it when people speak of stark division between the sexes but in my experience males are far worse at communication! However females seem to OVERcommunicate....