Venting lost more friends

[cath55555]

I think, as the title says- I have lost more friends.

the first was a toxic friendship, and whilst I don't particularly miss the way they made me feel in the bad moments, I miss the good. I can't remember if I talked about this one before, but I basically cut them off. I feel so much guilt for that.

the second is someone I really considered a friend, no toxicity from my point of view. it feels like they're distant from me though. recently it's like, they won't talk to me "properly", just like my messages, and leave it at that. I'm not sure where I went wrong, and I'm too afraid to ask them what's going on in case I make it worse; inevitably, I fear I will lose them too.

it feels often like I'm the toxic shadow, the bad influence. as if the nastiness inside me is beginning to spill out from the cracks and faults I know are there, even though I can't see them on my skin. I am broken, and I don't know how to fix the fact that everything, everyone, every single detail of life I touch seems to break too. is my sadness so contagious? or is it instead blinding me, leaving me unable to see anything I do as wrong, a sad cloud of self pity?

I'm not sure of anything any more. I don't know who I am. I don't know who the people around me are. I know nothing and everything at the same time; depression and psychosis dancing in my mind and conflicting my views.

I don't even know what I'm trying to express right now. sorry if you read all of this. I just need to shout somewhere sometimes, and know I'll be heard.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you suffer so much. To me people can be unreliable and disappointing. I do think that it's better to be alone than be around people who just make our life worse.

 

[lonelygirl111]

it's better to be alone then be surrounded by people who treat you badly. i think it's hard but we have to higher our standards to avoid letting in people who might leave us hurt in the end. a friend should not make you feel scared to ask what's wrong and more so should not leave you wondering if your the problem and if you've ruined things. i'm sorry your in pain. you aren't a toxic shadow or the bad influence you are just surrounded by the wrong people. you deserve peace.

 

[CTB Dream]

Sory lose human no think other side think lose ok thing always conflicty not help small problem big heart make easy not problem humans not humans use small make worse. Real terrible human instead learn good each other go hurt eac h

 

[Dans117]

I can totally relate to being the broken, toxic shadow that ruins everything I touch. I don't know who I am anymore either.

I also had to cut off a toxic friend last year. He was a gaming buddy from high school. Always made bad decisions and never took responsibility for them. He bullied me in high school and, as the spineless people pleaser I am, I befriended him instead of standing up to him. I put up with him for years because we played games together until his family finally kicked him out and he started begging me for money all while criticizing me for having a gaming "addiction", even though I play games less and spend less money on them than he does. Ironically, he had to ask me for money specifically because he bought a gaming laptop he couldn't afford and so got into credit card debt because of it - and yet I'M the one with a problem. I couldn't deal with it so I cut him off....even though he was the only friend around my age I had left.

The only other friend I have is my Al-Anon sponsor, who is my mom's age, totally nihilistic and misanthropic, and will probably die soon from long-standing health problems. Besides him, I have no other friends.

I am so sorry you had to go through that, cath55555. Best wishes.

 

[cath55555]

I'm sorry that you suffer so much. To me people can be unreliable and disappointing. I do think that it's better to be alone than be around people who just make our life worse.

I want to be able to view things that way, but I feel so lonely lately that it's almost as though I'm willing to let anyone into my life who shows even the slightest but of interest in being my friend, even if they seem to be toxic or have a negative motive. it's exhausting feeling let down, but I can't help but wonder if it's actually me letting people down, including myself :/

it's better to be alone then be surrounded by people who treat you badly. i think it's hard but we have to higher our standards to avoid letting in people who might leave us hurt in the end. a friend should not make you feel scared to ask what's wrong and more so should not leave you wondering if your the problem and if you've ruined things. i'm sorry your in pain. you aren't a toxic shadow or the bad influence you are just surrounded by the wrong people. you deserve peace.

thank you for the kindness; it is very appreciated. the thing is- I don't think the second friend I mentioned actually means harm, and I know they have things going on too. the doubt stems from me because I don't want them to genuinely not feel as if I'm the issue, but by me asking for them to think *their* behaviour is an issue. it's a harsh cycle if it gets going, so I'm really scared to ask but it's my own anxieties that cause the fear (if that all makes sense)

I can totally relate to being the broken, toxic shadow that ruins everything I touch. I don't know who I am anymore either.

I also had to cut off a toxic friend last year. He was a gaming buddy from high school. Always made bad decisions and never took responsibility for them. He bullied me in high school and, as the spineless people pleaser I am, I befriended him instead of standing up to him. I put up with him for years because we played games together until his family finally kicked him out and he started begging me for money all while criticizing me for having a gaming "addiction", even though I play games less and spend less money on them than he does. Ironically, he had to ask me for money specifically because he bought a gaming laptop he couldn't afford and so got into credit card debt because of it - and yet I'M the one with a problem. I couldn't deal with it so I cut him off....even though he was the only friend around my age I had left.

The only other friend I have is my Al-Anon sponsor, who is my mom's age, totally nihilistic and misanthropic, and will probably die soon from long-standing health problems. Besides him, I have no other friends.

I am so sorry you had to go through that, cath55555. Best wishes.

thank you for the kind words, and for sharing that- I'm sorry that you relate to the pain that I'm going through. it really isn't easy. for the record, the gaming friend you mentioned doesn't sound at all like an actual friend. he sounds toxic as you said, and I don't think cutting people off when they act like that is wrong. it sounds like he made some really selfish decisions, and I know it's far easier said than done, but I hope you don't feel too much guilt because I personally don't think you were in the wrong there. as for your other friend- I hope that his health improves if it can, or if not, that he isn't in pain. I honestly don't feel like I have any close friends left any more. I have people to hang out with or talk to but I can't open up about anything that feels important to me. I told a friend something that felt (to me at least) pretty personal and they barely responded. I'm sorry you're going through a similar feeling. take care as best as you can.