Venting Lost and Ashamed

[void ranger]

Existence terrifies and disgusts me
I desperately want to die but all around me I see signs that show me the pain I would leave behind
It's like a sick cosmic joke, trying to keep me alive through sheer guilt
But through living I also cause pain, my suffering inevitably spreading onto others
Don't know what is right or wrong anymore
Always wanted others to understand me, but all I bring upon myself is judgement and shame
Whether I speak or don't
Whether I act or stay still
The background machine of external reality keeps working, slowly chewing me up

I feel guilty about things I find good just because the status quo rejects it
The feelings and judgements of others throwing me around like uncaring waves of a tsunami
I can't stop reflecting the reality around me
And I can't find a reality that suits me

I shouldn't care but it's not a choice I can make
I wanted to know the truth, embody it
But the only truth I found seems to lie in death
That ultimate mystery that's no mystery at all

I feel like I've lost my free will
Or maybe just became aware of the inherent lack of it
I became disillusioned and there was no going back

In the past I felt I had some purpose, some mission
I tried to open up my mind so that I could help others
Understand with no judgement
But I couldn't help myself and everything I didn't want to be began to haunt me
I started to doubt myself
And I still can't figure out if anything I am and stand for is right or wrong
Nothing makes sense
Can't put my trust in the knowledge of any human, including myself
Can't know if anyone knows any better or worse
So I drift lost in an endless haze of doubts and fears
Ashamed of my instability and weakness

 

[MissionSucksAssFul]

I want you to know that I hold you in very high regard and I am sure that I would love your company!

 

[Dizzylady80]

Living for guilt is such a brutal feeling. In the past I also made it my purpose to help others, and when I stopped being able to in the capacity that I used to it hurt terribly. I'm sorry you fell into the same trap of not caring for yourself

 

[void ranger]

I want you to know that I hold you in very high regard and I am sure that I would love your company!

Thank you, that's really kind of you, same goes out to you friend

Living for guilt is such a brutal feeling. In the past I also made it my purpose to help others, and when I stopped being able to in the capacity that I used to it hurt terribly. I'm sorry you fell into the same trap of not caring for yourself

I'm sorry you had to go through that as well, and thank you for sharing, it makes me feel a bit less alone

 

[Dizzylady80]

I'm sorry you had to go through that as well, and thank you for sharing, it makes me feel a bit less alone

Of course hon you're not alone