Venting losing significant other

[restlesseyes]

what really destroyed my mental was losing my girlfriend i'm a 24 M now at the time of her death i was 22 and i couldn't just help but feel like it was my fault my GF was servilely depressed and i was to but at that time i wasn't as depressed as her i liked to just drink but she liked xanax and percocets but anyways one day her family decided to send her to rehab to get help so i was alone for a month and i decided i will stop using also in which I succeeded in so one month later she came home. now me and her are both sober but she still is terrible sad in her heart. even though she had me it didn't help maybe her being adopted not knowing her real parents played a huge part in that i can't ask her so i guess i will never know but when she got back to my house (she would stay with me mostly and go back to her adopted parents house occasionally) she still wanted to use at this point this is where i feel like it's my fault instead of saying no i agreed so we end up getting more xanax and percocets then start using i only took the xanax with LQ because i wasn't into opioids , so i end up falling asleep and when i wake up i see her unconscious i try and try to wake her up but nothing is working i see her lips are odly purple so im beginning to realize she is not sleep this is a serious problem so i call 911 they are telling me on the phone how to do CPR but to no avail she is still out so now im really really pancaking finally ambulance get there and im watching them break her ribs and her coughing up blood while giving her CPR and i can't help but break down then a cop brings me outside and tells me she has passed away…moral of the story if i would have said no to us using that night none of this would have happened now i just wanna CTB so i can be with her again i miss her so much she not only was my best friend but the only person i cared about also after the autopsy we found out the percocet was laced with fentanyl