worstOFsociety
Member
- Jan 25, 2023
- 50
So I've been feeling pretty numb lately nothing new there.
However what is new or at least what I haven't experienced for a while is freaking out at 2-4am while crying uncontrollably for absolutely no reason. I was chilling and about to head to bed I mean I've been wanting to disappear lately but still...Anyways I didn't end up sleeping. My brain decided to make me go through a full mental breakdown for no apparent reason. Instead of sleeping I ended up spending 2hs crying and clawing at myself without really having any control over my body. I don't actually really know how to explain it. It's like an intense feeling of despair while you try to cope by ripping at yourself with your hands I guess. Haven't really had such an intense mental breakdown since I moved and haven't been feeling like it since. I really just want to disappear. Like I want my presence to no longer exist I guess. I've been thinking about opening up to my friends online but I don't want to bother them and I honestly don't think they'll care. Like they have their own lives why would they care about some random guy they've met through discord u feel me?
The thing is. There's no reason for me to feel this way. My studies are going well I'm getting pretty good grades, I'm active, I workout, I eat well. Things are going well for me. So why...why do I still want to fckng die? Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why am I so miserable and lonely and depressed and fcked up and deranged. Why does it still feel like Im just going through the motions. Is this all life has to offer? DO ppl even feel happy? What does happiness feel like? What does it feel like to be okay? Do people actually want to live? I don't get it. I really don't understand it.
However what is new or at least what I haven't experienced for a while is freaking out at 2-4am while crying uncontrollably for absolutely no reason. I was chilling and about to head to bed I mean I've been wanting to disappear lately but still...Anyways I didn't end up sleeping. My brain decided to make me go through a full mental breakdown for no apparent reason. Instead of sleeping I ended up spending 2hs crying and clawing at myself without really having any control over my body. I don't actually really know how to explain it. It's like an intense feeling of despair while you try to cope by ripping at yourself with your hands I guess. Haven't really had such an intense mental breakdown since I moved and haven't been feeling like it since. I really just want to disappear. Like I want my presence to no longer exist I guess. I've been thinking about opening up to my friends online but I don't want to bother them and I honestly don't think they'll care. Like they have their own lives why would they care about some random guy they've met through discord u feel me?
The thing is. There's no reason for me to feel this way. My studies are going well I'm getting pretty good grades, I'm active, I workout, I eat well. Things are going well for me. So why...why do I still want to fckng die? Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why am I so miserable and lonely and depressed and fcked up and deranged. Why does it still feel like Im just going through the motions. Is this all life has to offer? DO ppl even feel happy? What does happiness feel like? What does it feel like to be okay? Do people actually want to live? I don't get it. I really don't understand it.
