Todsünde
witnessing the battle between my body and my soul
- Apr 20, 2024
- 30
Probably this is gonna be a long post but there's a story in my life that keeps repeating itself over and over again and just very recently I've started to understand it and I kinda wanna get it out of my system.
So because of trauma that went on for a very long time and a pretty shitty upbringing I'm struggling with a lot of shit. Parts of those traumas are years of physical and mental abuse by my parents, the deployments of my dad, the fact I've always felt different and had a very hard time connecting with people and years of sexual abuse from a father figure. From it also came a shit ton of drug abuse, self harm, self hatred, dissociation, flashbacks.... the list of trauma and what the effects are now that I have to deal with sometimes feel endless to me and I keep discovering new shit all the time which keeps adding to this list.....
But there is this one story that just keeps repeating itself in my life.... and even tho I'm not sure when it truly happened the first time I think it must have been around the age of 9 when I had my first attempt. Something happens and I just lose control over myself and any touch with reality which always ends in me attempting to kms. Some of those attempts have been rly stupid and out of pure desperation to end all this shit going on inside of my head. During childhood and my early teenage years these moments happened through relatively small things since I was always on the edge and already suicidal for years without any perspective in life.... just depressed and every second of the day rdy to end it.... but at some point my dissociation reached a lvl that made everything a lot worse. I always dissociated to a certain degree b4 already.... I didn't remember the years of abuse from my parents and not even the years of sexual abuse.... I blamed it all on one moment and my brain decided that everything else was too much.... so better have one moment to blame all my problems on than having to deal with all of them.... This didn't work too well tho.... since childhood I have flashbacks where I remember the shit that has been done to me but the second the flashbacks end I go back to my usual dissociation and masking mode and forget about the traumatic shit of the past.... it's rly weird how the human brain is trying to suppress those kind of memories but actually it can't....
So the story that keeps repeating itself comes from my dissociation, which leads into masking and me playing a role for others while I keep losing myself even more even though I don't know myself in the first place.
It always starts with me believing to have a reason to keep living and being kinda obsessed with it. This can be a job like when I was a soldier or making something become reality that I think would be the right thing like making music and shit. While I have a reason to live I'm highly functional. I'm still depressed a lot of times and my first thought in the morning being "Why are you still alive, just kill yourself" is also there since childhood but it doesn't matter.... I'm still functioning on a lvl that is kinda insane.... I just keep pushing myself, I talk to people if I have to without a problem, I push myself over my previous limits,.... I just function in the way that is needed.... and I don't just function for a day or 2..... I keep lying to myself for years at a time and keep this mask up for the entire time.... I lie to myself so much I start to believe the lie.... I start to believe, this is the reason I live.... Usually this lasts between 1 and 2 years and for the entire time I believe my own lie of having a reason to live....
But there will always come this moment where I can't keep the mask up anymore, where the past is catching up, where the flashbacks are coming back and where I have to do drugs.... and with the drugs I start spiraling. The drug itself doesn't even matter.... Where I live alcohol is the easiest to get and I'm a heavy drinker since I'm 16, but I also do weed, mdma at raves for multiple days in a row, speed, coke, heroin, benzos,.... it just doesn't matter which drug I do at some point. All that matters is me having a substance to give me an escape so I can keep functioning.... and at the beginning it does help to keep me going but usually not for long. With me not being able to just suppress my trauma with drugs anymore the self harm starts again.... this is also smth I do since childhood and today together with drugs it's the most unhealthy but honestly best working way to deal with extreme situations. So while I get high/drunk and cut myself all day I get some kind of relief and I still keep functioning and don't realise how bad shit is getting. The cutting and doing drugs usually keeps going for a couple of months while I still go to work, while I still believe the lie of having a reason to live.
And then there will be the point of me finally breaking.... the point of realising that wasn't even me.... During these moments which sometimes lasted for more than 2 years I didn't even realise what was going on, how I kept doing all this, how I abused drugs all the time, how I kept cutting more and more and deeper and deeper.... During those times I'm not in control.... I don't have any touch with reality.... These parts of my life feel like a movie to me that I only saw but never had control over.... and they only end after I've made another attempt.... By now I've had so many attempts with od's, trying to gas myself, hanging, running in front of a car,.... it's fucking stupid I'm still alive.... but I guess I'm just too stupid or not determined enough.... or whatever.... I don't know why I'm still here.... but I am.... When I look back on those chapters of my life they always feel surreal, they feel like it wasn't even me doing all this and then I have to deal with the shit I did.... Some of you have been here in chat while I shared my crazy thoughts.... even b4 I injected the H in my arterie.... sry for the shit I put some of you through.... Once again I went crazy and lost any touch with reality.... I'm sry....
Now I'm 25 years old.... still alive.... homeless.... addicted (but no longer using for the past 4 weeks except of 1 fall back).... I'm just a mess that tries to figure out the reason why I'm still alive.... I have my entire life in a 25kg backpack that I carry all day.... sometimes I hop freight trains.... sometimes I walk hundreds of kms.... sometimes I work in construction or at farms.... I'm trying to live again like I did for 2 years b4 I came back to my home country trying to create a "normal" life with an apartment and shit.... I'm not meant for this kind of life so I'll go back to the hobo lifestyle since living like this was the only time I ever felt at peace for some brief moments. I keep doing crazy shit like freight hopping, subway surfing, going out and spray and just everything that is adrenaline related hoping it will kill me one day b4 I have to try myself again and honestly, knowing that my existence will end one day no matter what I do is the thing that gives me the most comfort in life....
So after the last time I've lost control again, after I survived an H od I finally saw the pattern that kept repeating itself.... I finally understood that I never had a reason to live for myself but only told myself a lie for so long to live for others that I started to believe it.... and now my homeless 25 year old ass has 2 things to work with.
1) I'm broken and with all the shit that happened it's ok to be broken. Which means I can finally stop running from myself and my past.
2) The only thing I know is I don't know anything.
Thanks for reading and I'm not sure I truly expressed myself but I've never been good at explaining the shit going on inside of my head outside of poems.... so yeah, I wish u all the best no matter what will come....
So because of trauma that went on for a very long time and a pretty shitty upbringing I'm struggling with a lot of shit. Parts of those traumas are years of physical and mental abuse by my parents, the deployments of my dad, the fact I've always felt different and had a very hard time connecting with people and years of sexual abuse from a father figure. From it also came a shit ton of drug abuse, self harm, self hatred, dissociation, flashbacks.... the list of trauma and what the effects are now that I have to deal with sometimes feel endless to me and I keep discovering new shit all the time which keeps adding to this list.....
But there is this one story that just keeps repeating itself in my life.... and even tho I'm not sure when it truly happened the first time I think it must have been around the age of 9 when I had my first attempt. Something happens and I just lose control over myself and any touch with reality which always ends in me attempting to kms. Some of those attempts have been rly stupid and out of pure desperation to end all this shit going on inside of my head. During childhood and my early teenage years these moments happened through relatively small things since I was always on the edge and already suicidal for years without any perspective in life.... just depressed and every second of the day rdy to end it.... but at some point my dissociation reached a lvl that made everything a lot worse. I always dissociated to a certain degree b4 already.... I didn't remember the years of abuse from my parents and not even the years of sexual abuse.... I blamed it all on one moment and my brain decided that everything else was too much.... so better have one moment to blame all my problems on than having to deal with all of them.... This didn't work too well tho.... since childhood I have flashbacks where I remember the shit that has been done to me but the second the flashbacks end I go back to my usual dissociation and masking mode and forget about the traumatic shit of the past.... it's rly weird how the human brain is trying to suppress those kind of memories but actually it can't....
So the story that keeps repeating itself comes from my dissociation, which leads into masking and me playing a role for others while I keep losing myself even more even though I don't know myself in the first place.
It always starts with me believing to have a reason to keep living and being kinda obsessed with it. This can be a job like when I was a soldier or making something become reality that I think would be the right thing like making music and shit. While I have a reason to live I'm highly functional. I'm still depressed a lot of times and my first thought in the morning being "Why are you still alive, just kill yourself" is also there since childhood but it doesn't matter.... I'm still functioning on a lvl that is kinda insane.... I just keep pushing myself, I talk to people if I have to without a problem, I push myself over my previous limits,.... I just function in the way that is needed.... and I don't just function for a day or 2..... I keep lying to myself for years at a time and keep this mask up for the entire time.... I lie to myself so much I start to believe the lie.... I start to believe, this is the reason I live.... Usually this lasts between 1 and 2 years and for the entire time I believe my own lie of having a reason to live....
But there will always come this moment where I can't keep the mask up anymore, where the past is catching up, where the flashbacks are coming back and where I have to do drugs.... and with the drugs I start spiraling. The drug itself doesn't even matter.... Where I live alcohol is the easiest to get and I'm a heavy drinker since I'm 16, but I also do weed, mdma at raves for multiple days in a row, speed, coke, heroin, benzos,.... it just doesn't matter which drug I do at some point. All that matters is me having a substance to give me an escape so I can keep functioning.... and at the beginning it does help to keep me going but usually not for long. With me not being able to just suppress my trauma with drugs anymore the self harm starts again.... this is also smth I do since childhood and today together with drugs it's the most unhealthy but honestly best working way to deal with extreme situations. So while I get high/drunk and cut myself all day I get some kind of relief and I still keep functioning and don't realise how bad shit is getting. The cutting and doing drugs usually keeps going for a couple of months while I still go to work, while I still believe the lie of having a reason to live.
And then there will be the point of me finally breaking.... the point of realising that wasn't even me.... During these moments which sometimes lasted for more than 2 years I didn't even realise what was going on, how I kept doing all this, how I abused drugs all the time, how I kept cutting more and more and deeper and deeper.... During those times I'm not in control.... I don't have any touch with reality.... These parts of my life feel like a movie to me that I only saw but never had control over.... and they only end after I've made another attempt.... By now I've had so many attempts with od's, trying to gas myself, hanging, running in front of a car,.... it's fucking stupid I'm still alive.... but I guess I'm just too stupid or not determined enough.... or whatever.... I don't know why I'm still here.... but I am.... When I look back on those chapters of my life they always feel surreal, they feel like it wasn't even me doing all this and then I have to deal with the shit I did.... Some of you have been here in chat while I shared my crazy thoughts.... even b4 I injected the H in my arterie.... sry for the shit I put some of you through.... Once again I went crazy and lost any touch with reality.... I'm sry....
Now I'm 25 years old.... still alive.... homeless.... addicted (but no longer using for the past 4 weeks except of 1 fall back).... I'm just a mess that tries to figure out the reason why I'm still alive.... I have my entire life in a 25kg backpack that I carry all day.... sometimes I hop freight trains.... sometimes I walk hundreds of kms.... sometimes I work in construction or at farms.... I'm trying to live again like I did for 2 years b4 I came back to my home country trying to create a "normal" life with an apartment and shit.... I'm not meant for this kind of life so I'll go back to the hobo lifestyle since living like this was the only time I ever felt at peace for some brief moments. I keep doing crazy shit like freight hopping, subway surfing, going out and spray and just everything that is adrenaline related hoping it will kill me one day b4 I have to try myself again and honestly, knowing that my existence will end one day no matter what I do is the thing that gives me the most comfort in life....
So after the last time I've lost control again, after I survived an H od I finally saw the pattern that kept repeating itself.... I finally understood that I never had a reason to live for myself but only told myself a lie for so long to live for others that I started to believe it.... and now my homeless 25 year old ass has 2 things to work with.
1) I'm broken and with all the shit that happened it's ok to be broken. Which means I can finally stop running from myself and my past.
2) The only thing I know is I don't know anything.
Thanks for reading and I'm not sure I truly expressed myself but I've never been good at explaining the shit going on inside of my head outside of poems.... so yeah, I wish u all the best no matter what will come....
