Looking for courage to ctb tonight

[Sheeanabrugh]

The pills are in my hand and I keep staring at them trying to end my life. Yet I am hesitating. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't take the sheer agony I'm in in every moment And I'm so tired. It's not worth being alive. And I can't do it. I'm such a fucking coward I can't do it. I know this is what I need. I know I need to do it tonight or I'm just going to wake up in agony tomorrow but I just can't fucking do it. I need the courage. I need somebody to tell me to be strong and that I can do it.

 

[glassbottom]

You are strong. No matter what you end up doing is ok. If it's not tonight, you can do it tomorrow or any time in the future.
Ill be here, though, to root you in no matter what you decide and do, and I hope you find peace.
Do you want to talk about your plan?

 

[Sheeanabrugh]

You are strong. No matter what you end up doing is ok. If it's not tonight, you can do it tomorrow or any time in the future.
Ill be here, though, to root you in no matter what you decide and do, and I hope you find peace.
Do you want to talk about your plan?

32 doses of metoprolol. 15 or so of an opiaten. If that doesn't work, a plastic bag could stop me from breathing manually. It's going to suck. It is 100% going to suck but I am tired of the pain and the suffering. I am 23. I should not be in too much pain to stand Up am tired of it is just want to die

 

[LostLily]

If you hesitate at all there is no shame in not doing it.

 

[glassbottom]

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.

 

[Sheeanabrugh]

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain.

I am in pain and years of doctors visits with no answers as to why. Im so tired. But because I'm not dying I'm not allowed to be tired and just want an end to it all

 

[glassbottom]

That's awful. Life is completely unreasonable sometimes and you deserve better.
And it's also ok to still be scared. I am too.

 

[Sheeanabrugh]

That's awful. Life is completely unreasonable sometimes and you deserve better.
And it's also ok to still be scared. I am too.

I want an end to this. I've had almost every hobby Or interest I've had taken away because I've become too disabled To engage with it. Practically in a fucking wheelchair at this point. Why am I scared? What kind of coward fears their own cure

 

[TheHolySword]

I hope that you find the peace you're looking for, wherever and whatever that may look like

 

[glassbottom]

It is scary. I hope you are able to do what you want. But I also hope you're able to forgive yourself if you're not able to do it right now. It's hard.
How are you doing?

 

[Sheeanabrugh]

It is scary. I hope you are able to do what you want. But I also hope you're able to forgive yourself if you're not able to do it right now. It's hard.
How are you doing?

I'm going to give up here soon. If I can't manage it soon I may have chickened out. Maybe tomorrow..

 

[glassbottom]

I for sure understand.
Don't beat yourself up.
You'll do it when you're ready.
Just know you're not alone.

 

[Sheeanabrugh]

I for sure understand.
Don't beat yourself up.
You'll do it when you're ready.
Just know you're not alone.

I mean I am ready. I know I'm ready. I just can't do it. I'm just scared

 

[glassbottom]

yeah, I know. Sorry if I misspoke. I guess it's just waiting for the survival instinct to take a back seat.

 

[Sheeanabrugh]

yeah, I know. Sorry if I misspoke. I guess it's just waiting for the survival instinct to take a back seat.

I wonder if I could work up to it instead of just going straight for it

 

[glassbottom]

What are you thinking?

 

[Sheeanabrugh]

What are you thinking?

I really don't know. I'm back to square one and I don't know how to accomplish what I'm trying to fo

 

[glassbottom]

Yeah… I hear you.
I have SN on the way and am praying I'll be able to do it.

 

[maniac116]

The pills are in my hand and I keep staring at them trying to end my life. Yet I am hesitating. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't take the sheer agony I'm in in every moment And I'm so tired. It's not worth being alive. And I can't do it. I'm such a fucking coward I can't do it. I know this is what I need. I know I need to do it tonight or I'm just going to wake up in agony tomorrow but I just can't fucking do it. I need the courage. I need somebody to tell me to be strong and that I can do it.

 

[madscotsman]

The pills are in my hand and I keep staring at them trying to end my life. Yet I am hesitating. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't take the sheer agony I'm in in every moment And I'm so tired. It's not worth being alive. And I can't do it. I'm such a fucking coward I can't do it. I know this is what I need. I know I need to do it tonight or I'm just going to wake up in agony tomorrow but I just can't fucking do it. I need the courage. I need somebody to tell me to be strong and that I can do it.

I've been focusing on getting the mindset for it too. I'm realising I can't ignore or suppress my desire to survive, not possible, that only strengthens it. Coming to more of an acceptance I've found to be important for me. Not "I'm OK with dying I want to die" that wasn't me accepting it, that was me justifying it. I've stopped saying things to myself like "I have to" or "fuck this I'm doing it" because that's me trying to 'get in the feel for it. which i can't. I've had to weigh it up logically. It's absolute anguish everyday, yet I keep going, why? Because I'm scared to do it that's why. Plain and simple. Scared of the fear. But then I think what's actually scarier. This, going on, for ever and ever, or a quick fright and good night?

 

[L'absent]

You need to calm down. Being strong doesn't mean committing suicide and you succeed because you act impetuously with instinct. Being strong means calculating every aspect well and acting at the right time. I hope you find the most suitable solution to get out of this horror. A hug.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand feeling so tired of suffering in this existence, I also feel so tired of it all. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[lilah]

The pills are in my hand and I keep staring at them trying to end my life. Yet I am hesitating. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't take the sheer agony I'm in in every moment And I'm so tired. It's not worth being alive. And I can't do it. I'm such a fucking coward I can't do it. I know this is what I need. I know I need to do it tonight or I'm just going to wake up in agony tomorrow but I just can't fucking do it. I need the courage. I need somebody to tell me to be strong and that I can do it.

don't do it if you aren't sure bc your subconscious brain is gonna make sure you fail trust me. and you might end up in a serious situation (you could lose your legs for example, if your method is overdosing on meds).


Human error is a major factor in failed attempts and it happens when the conscious mind is not alert enough to prevent SI from hijacking your plans.

 

[attheend13]

The pills are in my hand and I keep staring at them trying to end my life. Yet I am hesitating. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't take the sheer agony I'm in in every moment And I'm so tired. It's not worth being alive. And I can't do it. I'm such a fucking coward I can't do it. I know this is what I need. I know I need to do it tonight or I'm just going to wake up in agony tomorrow but I just can't fucking do it. I need the courage. I need somebody to tell me to be strong and that I can do it.

Whether you go ahead or not, you're heard ok? It's such small comfort to know but you're not alone in that feeling. It's not courage you need. It takes courage to live. I'm not a hero either. I don't have that kind of strength. But if you have doubts. Wait. Talk about it as much as you can here because it's a permanent choice and it has to be what you truly want. Either way, it's ok.