Looking for answers

[Leaving1970]

Yes I know there are forums for parents of children that have committed suicide. I would like to use a different route and ask my questions to those that are considering suicide.

I have one child, my son, who was 20 and committed suicide about 3 months ago. It has left me beyond devastated to the point of considering this myself.

Questions for those here and reading this:

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

Thanks for your insight!

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

>Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

I have no living family, so fuck what others think about me killing myself.

>Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

I'm physically and mentally disabled and am in pain every day, all day. The world itself is a dumpster fire and getting worse with shit like climate change. I want nothing to do with life.

>Does anyone give thought to what is beyond

There is nothing after death, this doesn't affect me.

 

[Namelesa]

>Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

Some people might not leave a note due to feeling like its pointless to make it as they won't ever understand why they did it or that they think it will cause more harm by causing more questions to be asked or cause someone to feel blamed or they just don't want to express it or didn't think about making it entirely.​

>Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

I personally have thought about it but I instead want to cause that damage as I hate them for creating me and trapping me home and so preventing my suicide attempts which leads me to want to punish them with my suicide.​

>In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Suicide is a very taboo topic and often times people don't respond nicely to when someone reveals they are suicidal. they worry they are a burden on others or worry their feelings will be invalidated or ignored or suffer from consequences such as being trapped in a psyche ward which is not helpful to them. So we keep these feelings hidden.
​

>Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

People may decide it better to confide in friends as they may more trust them more or something online so them expressing it there won't effect thier real life encounters. I personally did go to my family first.​

>Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

Probably sounds pathetic but i want to kill myself from my first relationship break up which has lead to everything else in life feeling empty but going into another relationship is difficult for me cus of fear of abandonment and paranoia of doing anything wrong. I also want to die cus i feel a lot of guilt for some past actions. Before these reasons I wanted to die cus of school and gender dysphoria.​

>Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

I have given this thought. I was originally a Catholic but now come to the conclusion that I believe after death is eternal non-existence which comforts me knowing I will be forever safe from any harm eventually when I die.​

 

[moonlightbeach]

hello, i'm so sorry for your loss. you have a great approach to finding answers on this website. i really appreciate that you're just trying to understand and you are very respectful. thank you for your time, if you need any clarification let me know.

i have attempted suicide myself not too long ago.

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

Only 25-30% of suicides are accompanied by a note. i had written a note to explain my struggles to friends and family. i wrote it because i wanted to show people that i was struggling and that they wouldn't worry about it being something bad. i would assume that the person had been struggling for a long time and didn't feel like the note was needed and just wanted to go unbothered. there are a lot of suicide note studies that you would go through but it's hard to give a single reason. sorry he didn't leave a note that's heartbreaking.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

in my case, and 1 other suicide that i had witnessed, people were neglected by their parents, whether it be lack of emotional support, neediness (kid parenting parent) or some kind of childhood trauma. i completely abolished the idea of nuclear family because i only got bad experience out of it. i doubt that's the case for all suicides but a lot of suicidal people have psychiatric conditions.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

many suicides are planned beforehand. there is a very popular idea that the person generally behaves happier once they've decided they want to take their life because they know it's going to end soon. i'm autistic and i was able to hide it for a big part of my life, and i am putting on a mask daily to not get caught with it now. i don't think anyone could really crack it because the expression could be one but the mind be another.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

i only know of groups online. i had told my online friends before. this is a safe harbor to talk about it as well. the main issue with sharing it is that, when someone has decided about it, they rather not get caught. usually if it's said in person it leads to being taken to a mental health specialist and being locked up in an assisted care facility. these wards don't allow you to proceed with the plan but a person doesn't go from suicidal to not suicidal in a couple of months.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

the world is not accomodated for people like me. i'm transgender, autistic with lots of sensory issues that make me have meltdowns almost daily, stuck in a place that does the worst to me. suicide is the answer because there's no cure to autism and my sensory issues and i can't accomodate myself all the time. my attempt failed and i ended up in the hospital, ever since that moment i felt dead and that my soul and body are 2 different things. i still feel like i do not exist. it's hard to want to live in a world like this when you're always confronted by societal standards, that do not apply to you and politics that focus on hating you. i have a very grim outlook on the world in general. it's just tiring to be alive.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

speaking from experience after a failed attempt via train
mentally my life was concluded and the last few seconds of running have felt like eternal tranquility.
there was no pain and i only felt happiness
i imagine that once you are sure you want to ctb then your mind will be prepared for what's next and bid farewell.

ever since my attempt i still haven't been able to feel alive because my belief in death was final. i can only say that i reincarnated as a different person.

 

[darksouls]

Yes I know there are forums for parents of children that have committed suicide. I would like to use a different route and ask my questions to those that are considering suicide.

I have one child, my son, who was 20 and committed suicide about 3 months ago. It has left me beyond devastated to the point of considering this myself.

Questions for those here and reading this:

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

Thanks for your insight!

I am very sorry for the loss of your son

 

[openBottomJeans]

As stated previously by moonlightbeach,
This world was not built for people like me. Maybe for the neurotypical , but for the people that are autistic … it's like trying to walk through a minefield and every 10ft you step on a land mine. There is just no winning.
A lot of the business practices in the world are very predatory, taking advantage of others to give little or no value in return anymore.
I just can't survive in a world like this.

I can't say how your son felt, or what he was diagnosed with.. but I can almost guarantee that wherever he is now, is a much better place than what he left behind.
Maybe in another lifetime the world can be inclusive to all diseases.

Sending you lots of love and healing hugs

 

[FadeToBlack1109]

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I'd be glad to answer your questions and hope you'll find the closure you seek one day. However, I would still like to acknowledge that you are in a very vulnerable position right now and I fear it is a big possibility that some of the answers you'll get here might make things worse for you.

If your time on this forum gets too overwhelming at any point, please (re)consider if this is really worth it. I understand your longing for answers, but I'm not sure it's worth further sacrificing your own mental health for it.

---Why is there almost never a note?

I feel like there's many valid reasons to leave a note and just as many not too. Whether someone leaves a note or not is in no way indicative of their feelings for those left behind. First of all, many suicides occur out of impulse and without any planning. For me personally, I've decided to do leave a note for my parents. But this decision wasn't easy, as leaving a note can also make things worse for them. If I write down all my pain, all my suffering, it will make my passing feel even more tragic and will probably trigger the famous "Why didn't we do anything?" in my parents. Ultimately, there's no way to know for certain why your son didn't leave a note. But please, do not mistake this as a sign he didn't love you!

---Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

Yes. Everyday. And that's exactly why I wouldn't plan on doing it if I saw ANY other way out. Many people on here are not on good terms with their parents, but I'm one of those fortunate enough to see them twice a week and, even after having been kicked out for a years as a teen, had the chance to reconcile. However, I know that I'm also causing them a lot of pain everyday. Me not being able to work in my early 20s due to health reasons, has ruined them financially. And my father is now suffering from severe depression himself, including meds and therapy. I know that I am probably the reason - or at least the catalyst - for this. So, as cliché as this will sound: I'm sure they're better off without me. They'll grieve, yes. A lot. But in time, they'll notice how things will start to get better. They're both approaching 60 now, so they have plenty of time left to live the life I have taken from them.

---How do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

This is again highly subjective. Only the fewest will live a normal day and then just take their own life out of the blue. For most of us, it's a long road of suffering and many, MANY days of "Let's try again!" before we finally make the decision to end it all. And I know that many, if not most suicidal people actually do confide in someone beforehand. 80% of all suicides are announced at some point (at least that's the statistic for my country, I don't know if it's different internationally). For the remaining 20%, maybe they don't want to bother anyone. Especially boys are often told to "Get over it" from a very young age and that "Boys don't cry".

---Is there usually someone or a group that does know?

Hard to say. Again, most people do talk about it at one point or another, but someone else actually knowing their plans for sure is a whole different thing. There is this forum of course, but we're all anonymous here and obviously not everyone comes here before taking their life. So, has your son ever talked about it? Probably. Has anyone actually known about his plans? Most likely not.

---Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life?

Yes. I haven't seen anyone in this forum wanting to die just because it sounds fun. There are reasons and it's rarely just one. And there are very legitimate reasons, too. Even if you're not pro-choice, you'd most likely agree that terminal diseases are such reasons for example. The important thing is: there's no universal threshold of how much pain humans can take, we all differ far too much from one another. I've seen people brush off SA or child abuse like it's nothing, while others end their lives after "just" losing a pet. Everyone has their own limits and mobody, not even a mother, should have any say in how much is too much.

---Does anyone give thought to what is beyond?

Yes. But for me personally, I try to avoid these thoughts as much as possible. There are, however, lots of discussions going on here about the afterlife, heaven, hell, reincarnation or whatever.

___

I hope I could answer your questions in an understandable, but still respectful manner. I hope you'll find some solace in my explanations and I wish you nothing but the best.

Please do not let your son's decision alter your memory of him in any way. Cause I'll tell you a secret: that's exactly my biggest fear. That one day, people will only remember me as some psycho who took his own life. But we shouldn't remember people for how they died; we should remember them for how they lived.

 

[Carrot]

Yes I know there are forums for parents of children that have committed suicide. I would like to use a different route and ask my questions to those that are considering suicide.

I have one child, my son, who was 20 and committed suicide about 3 months ago. It has left me beyond devastated to the point of considering this myself.

Firstly, sorry about your son. I don't have anything to say, I don't know anything about the situation.

I personally enjoy talking with different views and experiences. I think people can learn from each other when they talk in good faith.

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

I don't know how often people leave notes. Or why, why not. The first time I did leave a note. The second time I sent a scheduled email that I canceled after a failed attempt.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

I do think about it, but not existing outweighs the damage that I will cause. I could flip the question and ask parents - did they think about the suffering that they will cause by bringing life into this world?

I'm not blaming parents or people for having kids, go ahead. But I don't blame people who commit suicide either, I understand that people might simply not enjoy living and wish they had a way to leave the world. Availability of assisted suicide would allow them to say goodbye to their families.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Once again my case is different. My parents know, but what are they supposed to do? Lock me up in a mental ward? I'll sit there for some time, then what? My problems won't magically fix themselves after a year in a mental ward. I find it hard to believe that there were no signs, but that surely can happen.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

That seems possible. I had a lot of unfixable issues as a kid, my mom didn't agree with something that was causing my problems. Because of that problem and others I escaped into games, internet addictions. It all snowballs into a lot of issues.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

A lot of reasons that add up. Genetic reasons. Evil goes unpunished or even is rewarded, the world is messed up and people seem to be willingly ignorant. Right now somebody is being raped, killed, in a war zone, meanwhile others are having fun. At some point they might be in such situation with great suffering and notice how nobody really cares. "I can't do anything about it so I just won't think about it" is depressing, meanwhile evil prevails. So much misinformation, lies, hatred. What is going on with this world. Even if I was rich, I would not be happy in this world. Go ahead and read about ongoing wars in the world, and go listen to what both sides of the war have to say about it and you'll realize how stupid this world is. And I know you probably won't, you have other things to worry about and do. But then again, meanwhile evil prevails.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

I do. I made a few posts on this forum about it, probably my most insightful ones.

In short, we don't know what happens after life. Anything can happen, heaven, hell, reincarnation, Valhalla, nothing, something else. We don't know. We also don't know what conditions, rules to follow in order to achieve a certain afterlife outcome. Maybe if you die in a war, you go to Valhalla. Don't assume that if you are "good" during lifetime you are rewarded with eternal happiness after death. Maybe God is evil and this is a test who dies fastest, the sooner you die, the better your afterlife is. Maybe afterlife depends on the age, gender, time when you die, it doesn't always have to be the same for everybody.

There are so many contradicting theories about what might happen afterlife, but no evidence. Why blindly believe in something? I focus on evidence and facts instead of made up theories, that contradict each other, some of which may or may not turn out to be correct.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I can recommend a book, On Suicide by Paul Ámery. For me of all the things I've read about suicide, he is the most able to describe what it's like to decide to do it.

Basically, what makes people commit suicide is the decision that their life is not worth living. Why does that happen? There could be any number of causes. He lists some supposedly "trivial" examples, to show that we really can't know what makes someone feel like their life is worth living or not. Of course there are obvious reasons such as mental and physical illness, debt and so-on. But he empathetically shows the subtlety of our feelings of our own life. And once the feeling has set it in that life is not worth continuing with, once you've opened that door... It can be very hard to close it again.

The point is that everyone has to and can only live their own life. They can take advice, they can talk to others, they can follow norms, but at the end of it all they are alone in their head with the tenor of their life. And if that tenor is terrible, bleak and hopeless, if the supposed rewards of life mean nothing to you and leave you cold, well, then...

I'm very very sorry for your loss. I think 20 is too young to go. To decide that life is not worth living when you have barely tasted it, is really a tragedy. Ámery killed himself in his 60s after having survived the holocaust, the worst mankind has to offer to itself. In his case, I think anyone can grant him the right. For your son, it is harder. You probably feel very angry with him in some place inside you. But really, noone else can feel the pain inside a person. The pain driving someone to suicide (even, maybe especially if, there doesn't seem to be any particular cause for the pain) is immense. It is immense and it feels insurmountable. And if it feels insurmountable, it becomes insurmountable.

It's good you're trying to understand your son. But maybe you will never understand. For some people, life is always preferable to death, they really can't imagine genuinely not wanting to live. And of course, with your own child, you would want them alive at almost any cost.

I am choosing to stay alive, even though I would rather be dead, for my family's sake. But if I did reach a point where I simply couldn't carry on anymore, and decided to end my life, I'd hope they'd realise that it was to end unbearable suffering. I hope they could have some kind of closure knowing that I don't have to suffer anymore.

Even if you can't understand the nature of your son's suffering, it was there. And he is free of it now. Of course, he has also caused suffering in the world through his act. That is where we have to hold our hearts wide wide open, and forgive the one who inevitably hurts others through their acts to escape their own hurt.

 

[eupdplishlp]

notes can often bring feelings of guilt of what we leave behind. not wanting to get words wrong also plays on this.

i did things by the book and followed every guidline so my family gets money. I also think they will pass at some point to and we will reunitrd that is my personal belif tho and their pain isnt forever.

I only confide in someone in real life if I feel there is another option. if theres no other option im already well aware what theyll say and that theyll want to persuade me not too. if i were to go ahead after letting them know and there was nothing they could do I think they'd feel worse and guilt stops me doing that.

science says energy has to go somewhere it cant just disapear thats enough proof for me of an afterlife.

I tried everything else this world had to offer. Inpatient for 4 years all differnt levels of security all differnt medications and therapies but there was no solution to be not having a panick attack everytime I left my house. for me I want to be part of somthing greater than my existance here on earth


im so sorry for your loss. it sounds horrific what you've had to go through. You are a very loving and kind parent to come on here in answers for your son. I wish mine also did they same

 

[Leaving1970]

Thank you everyone so far for all the replies - Greatly appreciated!

 

[alwaysalone]

Yes I know there are forums for parents of children that have committed suicide. I would like to use a different route and ask my questions to those that are considering suicide.

I have one child, my son, who was 20 and committed suicide about 3 months ago. It has left me beyond devastated to the point of considering this myself.

Questions for those here and reading this:

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

Many don't know what to say honestly. Should the truth be told or lies?

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

Most are aware however when you get to the point that you feel like you have no hope and they're better off without you it doesn't bother you.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Compartmentalize

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

Probably

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

Sometimes illness, trauma, feeling like a failure, lonliness etc..

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

some do some people here have faith i think a lot of people wonder. Sone are scared of the unknown.

Thanks for your insight!

You're welcome. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you're in. I hope you give yourself and your son the grace you both deserve.

 

[Leaving1970]

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I'd be glad to answer your questions and hope you'll find the closure you seek one day. However, I would still like to acknowledge that you are in a very vulnerable position right now and I fear it is a big possibility that some of the answers you'll get here might make things worse for you.

If your time on this forum gets too overwhelming at any point, please (re)consider if this is really worth it. I understand your longing for answers, but I'm not sure it's worth further sacrificing your own mental health for it.

---Why is there almost never a note?

I feel like there's many valid reasons to leave a note and just as many not too. Whether someone leaves a note or not is in no way indicative of their feelings for those left behind. First of all, many suicides occur out of impulse and without any planning. For me personally, I've decided to do leave a note for my parents. But this decision wasn't easy, as leaving a note can also make things worse for them. If I write down all my pain, all my suffering, it will make my passing feel even more tragic and will probably trigger the famous "Why didn't we do anything?" in my parents. Ultimately, there's no way to know for certain why your son didn't leave a note. But please, do not mistake this as a sign he didn't love you!

---Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

Yes. Everyday. And that's exactly why I wouldn't plan on doing it if I saw ANY other way out. Many people on here are not on good terms with their parents, but I'm one of those fortunate enough to see them twice a week and, even after having been kicked out for a years as a teen, had the chance to reconcile. However, I know that I'm also causing them a lot of pain everyday. Me not being able to work in my early 20s due to health reasons, has ruined them financially. And my father is now suffering from severe depression himself, including meds and therapy. I know that I am probably the reason - or at least the catalyst - for this. So, as cliché as this will sound: I'm sure they're better off without me. They'll grieve, yes. A lot. But in time, they'll notice how things will start to get better. They're both approaching 60 now, so they have plenty of time left to live the life I have taken from them.

---How do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

This is again highly subjective. Only the fewest will live a normal day and then just take their own life out of the blue. For most of us, it's a long road of suffering and many, MANY days of "Let's try again!" before we finally make the decision to end it all. And I know that many, if not most suicidal people actually do confide in someone beforehand. 80% of all suicides are announced at some point (at least that's the statistic for my country, I don't know if it's different internationally). For the remaining 20%, maybe they don't want to bother anyone. Especially boys are often told to "Get over it" from a very young age and that "Boys don't cry".

---Is there usually someone or a group that does know?

Hard to say. Again, most people do talk about it at one point or another, but someone else actually knowing their plans for sure is a whole different thing. There is this forum of course, but we're all anonymous here and obviously not everyone comes here before taking their life. So, has your son ever talked about it? Probably. Has anyone actually known about his plans? Most likely not.

---Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life?

Yes. I haven't seen anyone in this forum wanting to die just because it sounds fun. There are reasons and it's rarely just one. And there are very legitimate reasons, too. Even if you're not pro-choice, you'd most likely agree that terminal diseases are such reasons for example. The important thing is: there's no universal threshold of how much pain humans can take, we all differ far too much from one another. I've seen people brush off SA or child abuse like it's nothing, while others end their lives after "just" losing a pet. Everyone has their own limits and mobody, not even a mother, should have any say in how much is too much.

---Does anyone give thought to what is beyond?

Yes. But for me personally, I try to avoid these thoughts as much as possible. There are, however, lots of discussions going on here about the afterlife, heaven, hell, reincarnation or whatever.

___

I hope I could answer your questions in an understandable, but still respectful manner. I hope you'll find some solace in my explanations and I wish you nothing but the best.

Please do not let your son's decision alter your memory of him in any way. Cause I'll tell you a secret: that's exactly my biggest fear. That one day, people will only remember me as some psycho who took his own life. But we shouldn't remember people for how they died; we should remember them for how they lived.

Thank you for the insight and sharing

 

[hippiedeath]

I don't even know if I could write a suicide note that wouldn't just pour vinegar in a wound. I feel I'm unable to do anything nice. Better to just go and let the healing happen.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

For context, I've had ideation since I was 10. I'm 45 now. These are my own perspectives:

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

I'm not sure on the statistics about leaving notes. I think lots of people do leave them. However, some I suppose feel as if they would never be able to adequately articulate what they are going through. Some may feel tempted to lay blame but feel it would be kinder not to.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

Absolutely. That's why I'm still stuck here. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. My Mum died when I was 3. I'd actually love to be able to ask them whether they really thought through bringing me here. I can't see how they properly considered all the likely possibilities and thought I'd be ok.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Because it's expected of us. But, I expect a lot of people do confide in one or two friends or, people somewhere like here.

I think it also depends on the person. Someone can be high functioning and still be suicidal. My coping mechanisms happened to be trying to pursue an education in a creative career at your sons age. So, asides from seeming obsessive and socially awkward, I doubt people outside my close friend circle would have twigged.

Also, it can be strategic. We may be set on suicide and we may not want people to try to stop us. So, we may be taking care not to throw up any red flags and appear 'normal'.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

I always told one or two close friends when I either got the sense they felt the same way and, a couple did. Or, I felt they were open minded enough to listen to how I felt without giving me a bunch of panicked platitudes or guilt trips. I didn't tell family because I didn't want to worry them or, make them feel guilty. Seeing as my intention is to wait for my Dad to go first, I hope to carry the secret from him to my own grave.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

My ideation began as a grief response to losing 3 close family members before I was 10. I likely would have recovered though, had it not been for also being bullied by a (suspected) narcissist. That's what pushed me over the edge initially. As I grew older, it was just life itself. The general grind of it all. Trying so hard to get and maintain a creative job. For years, that was at least a good coping mechanism- even if it was continually under threat. Now, even that has lost it's appeal so, I'm effectively working my arse off to support a life I don't want just to spare my Dad the grief of my death.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

Yes. I wish I was a convinced atheist but I'm just not sure. The prospect of there being a God, a hell and even a heaven frighten me. I'm still more concerned about the pain of dying though. That's a more tangible reality. Plus, I figure that God likely already hates me- I hold a lot of hate for them so, I'm probably damned either way! At least suicide will spare me the rest of my life, old age and whatever dreadful illness God has prepared for me. I suppose I'll just have to take the next bit (if there is one) as it comes and argue my case as best I can. Another reason I'm likely to be sent to hell. I feel like I'm likely to let loose and tell God exactly how monstrous I think they are.

Do you have people around to support you? I can't really fully imagine how devastating a suicide must be. I doubt it's much comfort but I think the major thing many members here wrestle with is the devastation it may cause our loved ones. I expect many of us wish we could depart without causing that. I'm so sorry.

 

[kopebaldy]

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

Because there's really nothing to say, I'll probably leave behind some generic good bye and reaffirm that it's nobody's fault but mine.

But a part of me don't want to leave anything at all, I just can't find the motivation to.

I think it's not that whether I "want" or not. I simply doesn't have any good reason to.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

I believe I'll cause more problems to them alive than dead.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Depression is inside, it's easy to mask until it reaches a certain point.

To some people, that certain point is breaking down in front of love ones, to others, it's the noose.

It's a case by case basis.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

In my case, probably not. I'm good at hiding.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

My failure as a person and wasting everything good presented to me.

Anyone with the kind of resources and backing I'm having will go out and achieve great results in life. But I'm me, I'm not normal, I can't be normal, I'm not good enough for life.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

It doesn't matter, even if it does, I can't think that far.

As long as the current suffering stops, it's good enough.

 

[Leaving1970]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

For context, I've had ideation since I was 10. I'm 45 now. These are my own perspectives:

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

I'm not sure on the statistics about leaving notes. I think lots of people do leave them. However, some I suppose feel as if they would never be able to adequately articulate what they are going through. Some may feel tempted to lay blame but feel it would be kinder not to.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

Absolutely. That's why I'm still stuck here. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first. My Mum died when I was 3. I'd actually love to be able to ask them whether they really thought through bringing me here. I can't see how they properly considered all the likely possibilities and thought I'd be ok.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Because it's expected of us. But, I expect a lot of people do confide in one or two friends or, people somewhere like here.

I think it also depends on the person. Someone can be high functioning and still be suicidal. My coping mechanisms happened to be trying to pursue an education in a creative career at your sons age. So, asides from seeming obsessive and socially awkward, I doubt people outside my close friend circle would have twigged.

Also, it can be strategic. We may be set on suicide and we may not want people to try to stop us. So, we may be taking care not to throw up any red flags and appear 'normal'.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

I always told one or two close friends when I either got the sense they felt the same way and, a couple did. Or, I felt they were open minded enough to listen to how I felt without giving me a bunch of panicked platitudes or guilt trips. I didn't tell family because I didn't want to worry them or, make them feel guilty. Seeing as my intention is to wait for my Dad to go first, I hope to carry the secret from him to my own grave.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

My ideation began as a grief response to losing 3 close family members before I was 10. I likely would have recovered though, had it not been for also being bullied by a (suspected) narcissist. That's what pushed me over the edge initially. As I grew older, it was just life itself. The general grind of it all. Trying so hard to get and maintain a creative job. For years, that was at least a good coping mechanism- even if it was continually under threat. Now, even that has lost it's appeal so, I'm effectively working my arse off to support a life I don't want just to spare my Dad the grief of my death.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

Yes. I wish I was a convinced atheist but I'm just not sure. The prospect of there being a God, a hell and even a heaven frighten me. I'm still more concerned about the pain of dying though. That's a more tangible reality. Plus, I figure that God likely already hates me- I hold a lot of hate for them so, I'm probably damned either way! At least suicide will spare me the rest of my life, old age and whatever dreadful illness God has prepared for me. I suppose I'll just have to take the next bit (if there is one) as it comes and argue my case as best I can. Another reason I'm likely to be sent to hell. I feel like I'm likely to let loose and tell God exactly how monstrous I think they are.

Do you have people around to support you? I can't really fully imagine how devastating a suicide must be. I doubt it's much comfort but I think the major thing many members here wrestle with is the devastation it may cause our loved ones. I expect many of us wish we could depart without causing that. I'm so sorry.

Thanks for all the answers. I guess one of the many things that torments and haunts me is the not knowing why. We had what I thought was a close relationship. We did everything together from scuba diving to play monopoly. Yet I didn't know him well enough to see what was going on is very painful. I sit and think were did this suicide idea first make its appearance, as you said it was 10 years old. I look back through his early years from say 0-10 and there just isn't anything I can point to, no traumatic deaths or anything I can see. But again, clearly I was wrong. I tried so hard to expose him to all kinds of activities and ideas for life and jobs and yet in the end nothing mattered.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thanks for all the answers. I guess one of the many things that torments and haunts me is the not knowing why. We had what I thought was a close relationship. We did everything together from scuba diving to play monopoly. Yet I didn't know him well enough to see what was going on is very painful. I sit and think were did this suicide idea first make its appearance, as you said it was 10 years old. I look back through his early years from say 0-10 and there just isn't anything I can point to, no traumatic deaths or anything I can see. But again, clearly I was wrong. I tried so hard to expose him to all kinds of activities and ideas for life and jobs and yet in the end nothing mattered.

I'm so sorry. It does sound like you did all you could to help him. Did he seem depressed? I think sometimes we don't tell our closest loved ones because we are trying to protect them. It can sometimes feel as if there's nothing they can do so, we may not want to worry them.

Did he have close friends? Have you reached out to them? It could be painful although, I wonder if it would help with some amount of closure.

 

[zardoz]

Yes I know there are forums for parents of children that have committed suicide. I would like to use a different route and ask my questions to those that are considering suicide.

I have one child, my son, who was 20 and committed suicide about 3 months ago. It has left me beyond devastated to the point of considering this myself.

Firstly, I am truly saddened by and sorry for your loss.

I will try and answer your questions. I can only speak for myself, I'm just one person, everyone is different and will have their own experiences, reasons, and decisions etc.

Questions for those here and reading this:

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

I cannot speculate on your case, it would not be right.
But for me, there is no-one I would want to say anything to. The only people that I would normally be expected to leave a note for I dislike very much indeed. The unknown element is a deliberate part of what is left behind in my case, finally being free on my terms if you like.
To speculate in the general case, I think this is such a tricky task to get right it can get side-lined against the bigger picture, and then becomes too much to undertake once the line has been crossed to end ones life, and so has to be left undone. Maybe some people can't simply face doing it. Or they think it is not good enough, like an author discarding draughts of their work. Perhaps they would dearly love to but find it impossible to put it all into words to their closest loved ones. Many people report agonising over their notes for a long time, unable to get it right, then maybe give up as it has become too much of an obstacle and an extra burden.
Many people report being rejected or not taken seriously when they open up to people IRL about their suicidal intentions, so maybe feel that the people that will be left behind had their chance to help and be part of the experience but were not that bothered or interested. Maybe they want to give what they perceive as this tortuous world one last punch.
It seems these do not apply in your case. I am certainly not suggesting any of this does, I'm just generalising.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

In my case, when I tried to be open about my intentions they simply responded "Oh well, there have already been suicides on all sides of the family", as if it's perfectly normal and so crack on with it if you want to. I have informed them of my situation and intentions, there will be no surprises. (I am not young anymore and already into the last third of my natural life expectancy anyway).

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

I would think that the vast majority of people who end their lives have almost zero "normal" days for a very long time preceding them taking their lives. What the outside world may see is a completely different topic, perhaps there should be more focus on the awareness of those people instead. Many people report trying to open up to those closest to them only to be misunderstood or rejected, so they may keep it to themselves thereafter. Making the decision to end ones life can be extremely liberating and cathartic, it was for me. People may experience a newfound calm and happiness once this line has been crossed. I think this is quite common. Again, I do not suggest any of this applies in your case.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

I suppose this is case by case. In mine, I've told quite a lot of people IRL including all immediate family etc. of my intentions. No-one seems that bothered. We're not especially close.
You can see for yourself the amount of activity sites like this attract. The "real" world simply doesn't see things the same way.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

Yes. There is a huge body of personal stories and information on this site if you want to find out more. I haven't shared my personal reasons on here yet.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

That is something we all have to rationalise. My 2 cents; we are all going to die. It's no big deal, really. Some people commit horrific acts during their lifetime, whereas I think I am a relatively decent person overall.
Just because some other groups/authorities (like the church) say it's not allowed doesn't bother me. I'm not religious. It's my life, and I didn't ask for it. Personally I don't believe there is a heaven-like afterlife.

Thanks for your insight!

Once again I am truly sorry for your loss.