Long-term suicidal ideation (also, hi)

[Weather]

I've been having a rough time the past few months. I found this site a while ago when things had gotten particularly dark and have been lurking ever since. I suppose I am feeling a little less desperate right now, but I can't say I remember the last time I didn't wake up covered with a blanket of disappointment.

I have had several significant traumas in life, and I have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I'm relatively old now; it has been 20 years since I was hospitalized for being a "threat to myself." I've taken a variety of meds, but none of them helped much and had intolerable side effects. I've seen highly qualified therapists. Yet, I have never really gotten on top of things mentally and lean into suicidal ideation daily. Of course, that's not something you can talk about in normal company, is it? And that silence lets it grow and take root; before you know it, it's blooming again. Nevertheless, I've generally been successful at pruning it back. I think, I hope, I can again. At the same time, I'm very tired and not every untended garden is a disaster.

I feel guilty. I don't have an immediate crisis. My life isn't awful. While the pandemic and the political environment haven't done me any favors, nothing terrible has happened to me. In fact, most people on the outside would think my life was, well, good. My first marriage was horrifying, but that's long past, and my second marriage is long-standing -- most people who know me assume it's my only marriage. My spouse seems to genuinely care about me. I have children. I have friends. I'm highly educated. I am relatively successful in my work.

So what is the missing piece? Objectively, my life is fine. But I feel like garbage every day. Sometimes, I think I want to kill myself for the satisfaction of murdering the person I loathe the most, myself. I have removed all mirrors from our home. I berate myself for being ugly and stupid and worthless. I mess things up all the time. I can take every kind statement made to me and turn it inside out. I hate everything about me: my voice, the way I look, the way I write, my drive, my exhaustion, my anger, my sadness, my distrust, my brain.

I don't know. Why am I making this post? I suppose I'm looking for community where I can talk without feeling the need to hide the core of it all. Perhaps others who think about suicide all the time, yet... Yet.

Perhaps I'm just a self-indulgent piece of shit twat. Who can say? (Answer: Me -- I am a self-indulgent twat.)

 

[MichaelNomad123]

Gday. Welcome. I am new here too as of under a week ago. I think that existence is enough to feel depressed or suicidal. I think a useful exercise for you would be to try to pick apart your life. For me, having a sense of purpose is important. It is my belief that this is universally important to every human. I would ask myself if I feel fulfilled in the job that I am doing and more importantly with how I spend my time. If the answer is "yes but" then the answer is no. If the answer is "no", then this would be a good place to start.

You mention that your first marriage was a disaster. I can relate. Did you ever deal with that properly? Have your feelings of depression and suicide existed long before your first marriage? Either way, it is a good thing to comb over in case there is any underlying issues contributing to your unhappiness.

You mentioned a lot of self-esteem issues. Self-esteem issues are significant. It would be good to identify how those came to be, although I'm sure you already know. It's still a useful exercise to walk yourself through it in your head, or better yet do it in a public forum like here. Post your thoughts, rant, rave, be yourself. There is no judgement here because we are all in the dark too. I can tell you from personal experience that a lot of my self-esteem issues dissipated with a new-found sense of purpose. For me it was art. I have long flirted with artwork, but never committed. Now that I have committed, I feel like my social anxieties about my appearance and otherwise have fizzled to a degree. Mind you, they don't go away. I still do the routines. But they are dulled.

I feel as if qualifications matter little when it comes to therapy. They can come as highly recommended as possible, but ultimately if they can't help you discover the tools to recover, then it becomes redundant, but you know that.

My grandfather once told me a story of his friend that committed suicide in the military. He said that suicide was always a part of him. I've always held that belief. It seems as if once you touch the void, it doesn't come off. It stains. That in itself is a depressing thought of course, but it seems to hold true. I am reminded of it often and it fits in neatly with the notion that "life is suffering", but with that comes strength, if you have the right mindset.

From the little foundation that you have shared, it seems like you have a good base to build on. I'm happy to hear that. A lot of the folks here are not working with much and that's very sad to read about. It could be that you just need to vent your depression in a medium that understands your struggle. This is a good place for that it seems, at least that's what I'm discovering.

 

[goodbyebunny]

You're allowed to feel whatever you feel. Positive and negative. You're welcome here even if you aren't in "crisis".

 

[timf]

Your ideation may seem attractive in view of the low view you have of yourself. The problem is that your low view is not the result of an accurate assessment, but a result of something else that triggers this emotional wave that comes upon you.

In a way, berating yourself can be a type of emotional stimulation that feeds on excessive self-focus. It sort of fills a vacuum that can arise in one's life. One way to start to diminish this is to become active time wise. One can volunteer to help others and this can both decrease the time available to turn to negative thoughts as well as fill the time thinking about others.

If you want to counter some of the reflex negative thoughts that arise, you may wish to consider how far you have already come and take credit for that in you that has already overcome much.